Frustrated and feeling sorry for myself
I know I have posted bits and pieces of this before, but I am SOOOO frustrated. After 40 years without a horse, I purchased (stupidly, I know) a 2 year old filly. She has been a dream – never put a foot wrong and is gentle and willing. I had had a horribly stressful last few years – taking care of a mentally ill and abusive mother full time, losing our house and all of our assets through no fault of our own, my husband having a severe heart attack and major brain damage, moving cross country and going back to work at a stressful job when I was at retirement age. I NEEDED her, and I think she just about saved my life. I spent many years doing volunteer work at hospitals, and now she is my ‘therapy horse”.
One month after I purchased her, I was diagnosed with CIDP (sort of like multiple sclerosis). I couldn’t walk, had trouble swallowing and breathing. I drove my Doctors crazy – I told them I didn’t CARE if I could walk, just get me back on my horse! After a lot of treatment, I was able to walk and RIDE. GREAT!!!! Then, little things started causing trouble. I was tired all of the time, and very weak. I finally purchased a beautiful Wade saddle and LOVED it – I have never felt as secure and comfortable in any saddle, but I had trouble lifting it.
Then another bad spell around Halloween. I spent several months mostly in bed while my beautiful baby just sat in the pasture. I was informed by my doctors that this is my new ‘normal”. My balance is ok but my feet go the wrong direction a lot and I walk like I’m drunk. I have NO strength in my hands. The days I manage to go to the stable my hands don’t have the strength to push down on the curry comb or brush to groom her. Forget about cleaning her feet or her stall. My husband and my daughter have been taking care of her. I can’t saddle her on my own as I can’t begin to lift the saddle and my daughter can’t lift it because of a bad shoulder. My husband hates lifting it and keeps telling me I should get a lighter one, but I fell SO secure in it. I have an English saddle, as I used to ride and train jumpers, but I don’t feel as secure in it with my issues. I had tried numerous other western saddles before I bought this one, and this is the only one that fit both of us. Hopefully I can rig up a pulley to put it on her. I know she’d be fine with it, but to tell the truth, I don’t even know if that will work with my hands and I would still have to drag it out of the tack room.
Even leading her is difficult. Thank goodness she’s an angel, because I lean on her when I walk to keep my balance, and if I fall she just stands there. I HATE being dependant on anyone to do these things, but I just can’t.
I want to trail ride on my daughter’s property but my husband doesn’t want me going out alone, and there is no other horse he can ride. I feel safe with Nibbles and my Doberman with me, but he is probably right. I could NEVER get back on if I fell. I don’t want to sell her, but I’m finding I am spending most of the time just watching her until I’m forced to leave and go back to bed. I haven’t ridden her since October, although part of that has been because of the weather. My husband and daughter will ride her, but I just feel like crying. I WANT HER TO BE MY HORSE AND I WANT TO RIDE!!!
I'm not looking for answers, really, because I don't think there are any. I just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening.