It just keeps getting better *VENT**LONG*
Honestly, right now I just want to run around screaming and cursing anything alive and anything not alive so I think it's safe to say I am not in a good mood right now... Not that that's any different from normal lately.
Around 11 weeks ago I fell over. Just simply fell over backwards and landed on one arm while trying to protect my previously dislocated left shoulder blade. I had no feeling in my right thumb/hand/wrist all the way to my elbow for a day, and when I got the feeling back it was really sore, so of course, I went and got it checked. They didn't xray, they just told me that I had likely damaged some tendons on my arm and that it would self-resolve in the next few weeks. I accepted that and went about daily life, with some pain. The pain I could handle, because I am in pain 24/7 anyway thanks to scoliosis and uneven/oddly sized pelvis so this was just another leaf in my booklet, so to speak.
A few weeks later, it wasn't getting any better, and I am training to be a vet nurse, so I need the use of both arms... I'm also right-handed, and I can't write due to the inability to use my thumb and wrist*brilliant*. I went to my own hospital and they sent me for x-rays, which come back clear, but they had a query about the scaphoid bone, so they put me in plaster while waiting for a radiologists report.
A week later the report was back, no breaks, possible tendon/ligament/muscle damage, so I was then put on ACC and sent off for physiotherapy. I had that 2x weekly with no effect apart from making my bank account shrivel and gasp. I went back to my own personal doctor and he referred me to a pain specialist.
The pain specialist sent me for an MRI, which was about the most painful thing I have had done in a hospital, due to being strapped to a table for almost 2 hours completely immobile, my back and shoulder hated me for that one and I was almost crying in pain by the time they finished the scan... and I don't cry from pain very often.
I failed two practical exams in this time due to not being able to hold things correctly, and also failed several written papers due to needing a reader writer, and my anxiety getting the better of me when needing to tell the reader writer what I wanted written down. I gave up on reader writers and suffered through the pain of writing, where I still failed exams due to having to stop writing from the pain and non-cooperation of my thumb while holding a pen. Eventually I just gave up and just kind of went "ohwell... Ffff this, I'm done."
School holidays time... YAY, think I would catch a break right? Not so much, I got violently ill on the last day of term and didn't get to hand in two assignments, it has now been a week and 4 days since I first got sick, and I'm only just coming right now. I've had blood tests and doctors appointments, and now my doctor is on holiday so I have to wait for my results until next week, the first week of term 3. I'm knackered, physically and mentally, I don't want to go back to course anymore, even though I loved what I was doing, I've just had enough.
Today, I had another appointment with the pain specialist, as it turns out, I will be needing surgery on my hand due to one of the ligaments attached to my thumb having been torn and detached from my thumb. Well that's just great *cue the violent cursing and breaking of household items*, so now I'm waiting for an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon to discuss the procedure that will take place, and everything else that goes with surgery.
I'm so sick of this, not only is my physical health crap, but my mental health is going downhill fast with no way of stopping. I have had depression and anxiety in the past, and I know **** well that my depression is back worse than it's ever been, it has been for months but up until recently I've been able to hide it from people, now I get the questions "are you ok?" "what's wrong?" "I think you should go home." from my tutors, my doctors, the pain specialist, and friends. The only people that haven't seen it, or are turning a blind eye, is my family, who I live with.
I'm so sick of having to put on a happy face because I hate the questions that people ask and the things that they say, because usually I can hold it together until I'm asked a question, but apparently, my exterior has been cracking lately and I'm not holding it together as well as I thought.
I can't even ride because I can't hold a set of reins, or do up a girth. Now that really gets to me, because that's the only thing that was keeping my depression at bay, and now that's been taken away from me. This always happens. Maybe I should just sell the horses and forget I ever had them, they deserve better anyway.
And I have to wait another week to see my doctor because he's on holiday, so my blood test results and everything will have to wait, I was really hoping I would get an appointment for tomorrow because I'm really not coping in any aspect of the word.
I'm tired, physically and mentally. I'm sick of constantly fighting one battle after another, or several battles all at once. Constantly. But I feel like an idiot because I know there are people worse off than me and here's me sitting here complaining.
Cookies to anybody who read that, I know it's extremely long and it's not exactly the happiest of posts I've ever written.
R.I.P ~ Bubbles - 25yo tb mare - 13.04.2011 ~ 8:30am ~ passed away naturally and peacefully in my arms