Drum, I don't have a lot of time to respond. I am at work, but I do understand where you're coming from. I am your age and in a lot of ways we are the same! I do give BIG HUGS and more HUGS. I know it can be so tough, and I at times let it eat me up too. I know you're strong and you can pull through this! Have you ever thought of checking out local barns or rescues in the area? Maybe you can see / ride the horses and get a dose to help you! It will not be the same as your horses, nothing can really ever compare in my opinion but it might make you feel better! Just that horsey smell, being around them and getting back in the saddle and taking your mind off everything else. YOU come first, so do what makes you feel better and what you feel is right. I think horses are your next best medicine besides your actual medicine. (: I wish I had time to write more, but feel free to message me anytime!
**Sorry didn't see someone else suggest the horse therapy, again very busy here at work but reallllyy wanted to respond. But I really do think that would help. I also know you're taking a TON of medicine right now, I know how that goes too! I would give time for the new medicine to work and if you feel it's too much or not working just talk to your doctor and see what options you have. (: