The rough stuff.
 
 

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The rough stuff.

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    05-14-2012, 12:15 PM
  #1
Yearling
The rough stuff.

In every bodys lives there are ups and downs. Some people have big ups and little downs, and some people have big downs and little ups. Some people handle this rollercoaster better than others, but some people don't handle it at all. Every body, up or down, sometimes has the need to express themselves and not be judged. To enlighten others and not feel outcasted. To share, and listen and feel connected for their own health. I want this thread to be a chance for those who are knocked down, who just need an ear, who just want to share, to do so. And a chance to support and be connected to others who will understand. Tell your story, tell your troubles. Give us your rough stuff, get it off your chest.
Here's my story.
I suffer from severe depression, anxiety, and self harm. The first two cause the third which I have only recently begun to share. Self harm is a disease akin to an addiction or impulsion. Basically, when my anxiety or depression get to overwhelming, (such as in an arguement or during an especially low period) I cut myself in order to release some of the mental tension and be capable of handling my emotions. It first started after I was accused of lying about being raped when I was 15. I told my brother and my friend, and they laughed. I couldn't tell my parents, (you'll understand in a moment) and informing a teacher or my trainer at the time would have meant dealing with my parents knowing. This time period was also the begining of my battle with depression.
My mother is as motherly as a cannibalistic rat. She understands that its her responsibility to provide food, shelter, schooling and clothing to all her children. She doesn't understand that we also need her to be honest, open, accepting, affectionate, a leader, a role model and a friend. She loves us, I'm sure. But she's manipulative, controlling, two faced and self centered. When I was 14, my step dad acquired a truck that I spent four years rebuilding. It was my birthday present three years in a row. Six months after I got it running, it disappeared. When I asked, I was told it was sold because it was an eyesore (it had a black unpainted hood from a previous accident.) I never saw a penny, but a week later my sister had a perfectly running off the lot vw. I'm not a jealous person, but I am so envious to my sister for how much my mother loves her and has in common with her. I would have accepted losing four years of work so my sister could drive if I had been asked, or even treated the same. But twice a month my mother and my sister had days out. They'd say "we're going to ge our nails done." If I asked to come, the response was "I only made two appointments. I didn't think you'd want to come. Maybe next time" but there was never next time, she never even asked. I just wanted to spend time with her. That stopped when I was sixteen. My brother, the golden child, had just started football. I love my brother. He's a quiet 15 year old now, extremely smart and always the one with the reasonable explanation to everything. But she pushes him so hard to be perfect, and he just wants to please. Anyway, I had just started bigger shows, my horse and I were winning money and I was doing everything without my mother. Only, I was still fixing my truck. I'd ask her to take me to the barn, and she'd scream that she didn't have time and I ask to much of her, then she'd take a two hour bath to relax. After about a month of fighting with her for barn time, I stopped asking. I didn't want to be a "demanding, disrespectful, selfish *****" like she said I was. But she got mad that I stopped trying to go to the barn, even though she was paying for it. So she sold my pony without telling me, and said it was what was best for the family.
She was mean, and cruel with her words. She says things that just rip your heart out and make you feel (-) that big. You did what she asked simply for the fact that not doing so hurt. I ran away at seventeen. I couldn't deal with always being the bad guy, the one in the wrong, the one that got my butt beat for trying. I disappeared and she had cops EVERYWHERE. I was her babysitter, (she has five kids total) her maid, her punching bag, how could I be gone? I showed myself after a week, but moved in with my bf at the time. I miscarried his kid, he beat me, raped me, locked me in our room for days (she got mad about me missing school during these times) and generally destroyed me. One night, I threw my keys at him and broke his front teeth in and left. I rented my friends houseboat, and all was well for a while. Until my mother wanted me to move home to help her with her other kids. I gave it a chance. Didn't work. I left again after a huge fight where she threw me down the hall by my hair, and my sister drug me outside by my leg over a pair of misplaced flip flops. (I'll mention here that I'm also only 4-11 and 87 lbs, to my mothers 5-6 and 150 and my sisters 5-4 and 175) later that night I got a voicemail. It was my 8 year old brother, the one I'm closest to. He was crying hysterically. She had convinced him I didn't love him. That I was never coming home to see him. He was crying for me and telling me he loves me and goodbye. To this day, including right now I cry for how much pain he was in when she did that. It breaks my heart to not be able to see him smile, to hold him, to play with him. I miss my baby brother so much its like knives in my chest. For the next little while my life was a haze. I did drugs, lived wherever with whoever until darren. I'll be forever greatful even if he'll never speak to me again. He got me off the hard stuff, got my step dad and I talking again, and even convinced him to let me work at his shop in the office. Its an autoshop, but I did well, Until my mom hacked my facebook and told my dad she'd pull her shares of his company if he didn't fire me. She didn't like who I was talking to online, so I wasn't allowed to work for him. Darren, seeing me spiral downward again, took our vacation savings and took me horse shopping. I will forever be greatfull to him for realizing even when I couldn't that my heart has always been on a horses back. Without annie, there would be no big painted shoulder to cry on. No hooves with wings to outrun my fears. No nuzzles and nickers to calm my tears. She's my big mute sister and I love her. I don't know where I'd be without my horse. But my issues were to much for Darrem. Having some anxiety problems of his own, it was difficult for him to be supportive and strong enough for us to cope. I was 20, with no job, living with a man a wasn't in love with and I was stuck. This is when alex came back. I've loved him since day one, when I was thirteen watching him ride a bike down the street. I wsnt allowed to see him though, so I would sneak out at night to be with him. I got beat for it, but he's always been worth it. He was in and out of my life for years, until he moved back to broward, and went on a man hunt for me. He found my number online, and called me. I met up with him, we talked for hours, spilled all our feelings for eachother, and came to the conclusion that we'd never be apart again. We made love in the same spot he first kissed me when we were 14, under the most beautiful florida night sky. But love didn't fix my scarred and fractured life. In a last ditch attempt to have my mother in my life, I told her everything. She said she had no idea. About the rape, the abuse, the cutting. She blamed a chemical imbalance in my brain for how I was feeling. She swore to help me get help, which right now is mostly financially needed. I take care of a pair of ninety year olds in exchange for mine and alexs rent, and he works for our income. She told me she'd pay for a rehab facility to help my cutting and depression. That I'd have counseling and meds for my anxiety. I was astounded. Until I had a problem finding a female doctor with self harm experience. She threw a fit when I called her to talk about doctors, wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise, said I was being ungreatful and selfish. Said she had thought about giving up her vacation to help me get the medical attention I needed, but now she wasn't going to help me with anything. Even though I had known she probably wouldn't come through, it devastated me. All I had wanted was for her to understand how hurt and twisted I am and why. I just want her to listen, and maybe apologize for the role she's played in breaking me. She only proved that I can't trust her. Alex and I sat down, and looked at my life, and decided that for the time being, she doesn't need to be part of it. The pain and anxiety of dealing with her is only detrimental to my recovery. So, after seven years of being lost in the dark, two suicide attempts and countless tears, I'm on my way to feeling normal again. I've leased out my horse to pay for therapy, alex is my daily dose of strength and hope, and every minute I don't spend in the dark places of my mind is a victory. I'm out to overcome my problems, and come out on top.

Please, I want to hear your stories. Give me your triumphs, your loses, your victories and your fears. Let it out, because keeping it in doesn't help, and there are those out there who understand.
(And I hope this thread doesn't get thrown out, lol)
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    05-14-2012, 12:24 PM
  #2
Showing
I'm glad you've moved past all of that and are working on rebuilding your inner self. And I'm glad you have Annie.

I was raped too when I was very young.. and I still to this day have not told my parents as it is someone in the family. It was really pull a number on you and cause you to feel all sorts of yucky and that, plus being beaten (I know about that too) will push you over the edge. For me, I am still dealing with severe trust issues and self confidence/esteem due to my dark past. My horse, Sky, has helped me also. He continually inspires me to be better and he's always there for me during hard times.

I hope in time that you find a way to stop cutting and find those little slivers of happiness and hold onto them.

Big hugs :)
     
    05-15-2012, 12:32 AM
  #3
Started
I agree with Sky youve moved on and made things better :) I don't wanna say to much but im not to great either. Trouble with cops, really serious depression, PTSD, panic attacks, loosing family, stuff with friends. Stupid medical problems and ohh so much more. I get by it all, I put most of it away in my mind. My step mom was crazy, figuratively and literally, she was scary, yelled alot and yeah she would get POed quite easily and for 13 years mad my life hell in so many ways, she's outta my life now. And word to all, don't let things go so far they push you off the edge or you break, its happened to me and others im sure and its bad, you don't need that in your life.
     

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