I really like that you're updating. Please do! I read this thread everyday to see.
How are you today? (timezones get me mixed up. I'm ahead of you right?)
I wanted to add that, as you know many of us have been through something horrific and don't get the support we need, let alone deserve. It was only when I started working as a nurse (training still) how I truly began able to forgive myself for my DAILY FAILURES when I was at my lowest. I worked on a maternity ward and SO many mothers, raging with hormones, would be utterly crippled with the struggle of breastfeeding. It seemed stupid to me, an outsider, that they would get so upset. It's NOT A BIG DEAL. It really isn't. Sometimes their body just isn't up to the task and we have so many ways to get around it. But noooooooooooooo. It was the end of the world.
Then I realised every single day that I failed to complete the most minor of tasks, like getting out of bed, I'd also feel just as helpless and it would feel like the end of the world and the word "end" just stuck in my head. You know what I mean. The battle to complete ANY task was just too much and finally I treated myself like a patient. I took a deep breath and said "you know what? It's OK that I failed X today. There is always tomorrow." I started feeling happier that at least when I wake up next time I had another chance. And rambo99 you have many chances ahead of you. Take as many attempts as you need. I don't have kids but I have too many animals - during my darkest times I remember crawling on the floor and pouring water into their bowls, struggling to find the energy to syringe feed a special reptile or clip a birds beak. I don't know how I did it. Rambo99 you are still looking after your kids. You are still THERE. It is MORE than enough for them - believe me. Be proud that you have energy and support enough to ensure your kids are looked after. It is a lot more consideration than some ever receive. It is enough. It is ok. You can stay in bed and take 5 hours to get up. It's OK. As long as you are trying - even if it's just trying in your mind it is enough for that day. Just keep trying but don't beat yourself up if you fail the "doing" part. But reading your more recent posts you've been doing way way way more than the bare minimum so huge huge props to you. You should celebrate your courage!
My uncle, who I mentioned before, was on strong medication for a long time to suppress the voices in his head following years of hard heroin abuse. He too, wondered it life was worth living in the fog. In fact, he would be so emotionally suppressed that he would drool and forget to use to loo. It bothered him so much that his intimate life was suffering for it as well. He didn't feel like a proper person, much less a man. It is a serious balancing act, anti-depressants. It also takes months to see if there are any results or side effects. If you can set yourself one goal it is to take them at the same time every day - THIS IS VERY VERY IMPORTANT.
It often feels like under the fog there is a monster. But under it, there is also hope. You might feel like maybe you're better off without the anti-depressants and it's claustrophobic ways. If you really see no improvement I would really, REALLY push to get a second opinion Rambo. Hopefully a lowered dosage will help. Just enough, not too much.
I want to say look on the bright side, be happy. But that's cliche. Just get through the day - there's going to be another! <3