Depression and feeling worthless. :( - Page 7 - The Horse Forum
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post #61 of 122 Old 02-26-2018, 09:10 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Mulefeather View Post
@rambo99 , At this point it's been several weeks - you shouldn't still be having the initial issues and should be feeling some relief. Usually most anti-depressant pills have kind of a euphoria period at the beginning which slowly edges down. I think the medication you are on may not be right for you if it's causing this much disruption to your life.

Remember that it's not supposed to drug you into a stupor, it's supposed to help you live a more normal life. The fact that your children notice that you are not yourself is most telling to me.

Can you call on a friend, family member, or understanding person in your life who can be an advocate for you if you need it? It might help to have them help you record what you are experiencing on a daily basis, even if they just text you and say "How are you feeling?". You might also consider copy/pasting your comments here (along with dates) to a Word document that you can take with you to your doctor.

Hang in there. I've been down this road several times, it can be bumpy but it's worth it in the end.
Yes I could copy paste this to show to doctor my post not entire thread. I do have a freind who checks in every day. She told me same thing shouldn't still be in the foggy minded lightheadedness and very tired state.

Day to day task are difficult my kids see the struggles I'm having. They've been really good to help with all that needs done. Husband been doing cooking dinner 2 oldest kids help clean up load dishwasher. And put stuff away.

My youngest begs me every morning to take her to catch school bus. So I drag my tired self out of bed get dressed and take her to bus. She hugs me and tells me momma your the best mom ever.

Got plenty of support, just hard getting myself out of this dark hole I'm in. I push myself to do stuff don't always succee,d some days only manage to get animals fed.

Did do some horse back riding with kids. Then we brushed manes tails...and cut bridle paths. Cleaned out run in shed put more shavings in it. Its starting to get wet with the snow melt.

South side of main barn has water coming in. Puddles on mats kids took shovel and scooped water up...into a muck bucket. They hauled out two muck buckets of water.

Hubby went and bought them their favorite ice cream. We had ice cream and brownies after dinner tonight. That was their treat for being so helpful.

Meant to update over weekend but totally forgot. Thank you everyone, I truly appreciate the kind words and encouragement.
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post #62 of 122 Old 02-26-2018, 10:35 PM
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So happy you got to spend some time with your family and horses! BTW, your mention of brownies and ice cream has got me drooling

Hold on to what makes you happy! If it tries to buck you off, just hold on even tighter!
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post #63 of 122 Old 02-26-2018, 11:24 PM
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Long time lurker here, I just started my journal today actually. Your's is the first thread that I've come across that I feel I had to comment on, in 3 years of lurking.

Firstly, I am so so sorry for your loss. No words that anyone says can take the pain of losing them away, and so many people get very awkward around or because of death. Everyone handles death in a different way. I cannot fix it, but I can sympathize, and am truly sorry.

I do understand about your depression and your feeling suicidal. I myself am diagnosed with bipolar, severe social anxiety, and a condition called chronic suicidal ideation. I have very big ups. I have even worse downs. My brain tells me I should die, every single day, whether it's a good day or bad. So here are some thoughts I have, maybe a slightly obscure perspective from most here on things that *I* do, to see daylight tomorrow.

*Cry. Trust me. Everyone says crying doesn't solve anything, but honestly, giving myself the permission to cry has been very freeing. I'm a big girl, and if I am sad, upset, angry etc and I need to cry, I give myself permission to do so. It's OK to feel.

*Vitamins and sunshine. Take B vitamin supplements and get some sunshine. Even if you sit on the porch on a cloudy day, it will help you produce vitamins that do help you feel better.

*Post it notes. My house is covered with these. Every reason I can think of both good and bad for having to be alive for tomorrow. Feed the dog, check the mail, order DVDs, horse kisses, eating cake, yelling at rude bratty kids, ANYTHING it takes to jog your brain to wanting to live just 1 more day.

*Adult coloring books. Get some markers, sit at a table and color. Every single time I've been in inpatient treatment, this is the only activity they allow patients. It's mindless, but it's focused. Stay in the lines, choose the color, choose the pictures, and just go. Even outside of treatment centers, I keep my box of color books, gel pens, markers, color pencils. Turn on some music, and instantly feel better. (Maybe kids had a good thing going all along?)

There are other things that I do, but most important things have been said. Find some form of support and some way to keep going, but do not push yourself. *Things take time.*

On a side note, if you might be bipolar instead of just depressed, depression meds will just make your condition worse. . . Things I found out the hard way. I wish you all the very best.

finding happy
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post #64 of 122 Old 03-02-2018, 08:04 PM Thread Starter
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Doctors appointment one Wednesday didn't go well. Doctor wasn't willing to let me change meds. So I quit takings the meds. Can't live in a fog being extremely tired and the light handedness.

Been off meds now 2 days less tired lightheadedness is gone as is the foggy minded part. Not doing great but getting through one day at a time.

Therapist isn't happy with my quitting the meds. I have kids and husband who need me. Even showing doctor what I had posted here...didn't matter.

I'm struggling more now off meds.So not sure quitting them was a good choice. No not bipolar. Was fine before I went through finding both parents dead, mom was first my dad was several months later.

Have done some riding with the kids. 2 of the younger kids have been sick with the flu.

Thought I should update this since it's been 4 days.
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post #65 of 122 Old 03-02-2018, 08:41 PM
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I will not advise you on quitting antidepressants against medical advice.
However, I will tell you that it is a very bad idea to quit antidepressants cold turkey. Even if you decide the side effects are too bad and you want to quit, your brain chemicals can get very messed up if you quit cold turkey. The best way to stop an antidepressant is to gradually decrease the dose over a couple of weeks.

Most of the drugs increase brain chemicals like seratonin, dopamine and norepinephrine. The physical effects on your brain from taking away these chemicals suddenly can cause you to go into more severe depression or become suicidal. It can also induce panic attacks. This is far worse than feeling a bit foggy for a few more days while discontinuing the meds more slowly. I'd suggest if you must go off the meds, that you take a lesser dose and taper off over a few days. Even if you've been off the meds for a couple of days you are still at risk to feel the effects of discontinuing the meds suddenly.
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post #66 of 122 Old 03-02-2018, 09:19 PM
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Uh... trainee nurse here. Please PLEASE do not quit your meds cold turkey. If you absolutely HAVE to you need to reduce the dose slowly over many weeks, NOT slap your system in the face with a pork chop! Also you have the RIGHT to quit your medication under the guidance of your doctor. He can only advise you not to but is professionally compelled to assist and make the process as easy for you. If you HAVE to quit. Do it with his guidance. Please. Often when patients go cold turkey like you it really messes with your system and can have some drastic, life altering effects. You know what I mean. That isn't YOU, rambo99 that is your SICKNESS and imbalances. And it wont be forever, I promise. There will come a time when you are ready but maybe that isn't yet. That is perfectly OK.

It is very common that you feel strong enough on the meds to quit them as you can forget what the "real" pain is like underneath the fog. I fully sympathise. I really do understand I've been there - I witnessed the horrible deaths of two loved one's in person and held them in my arms. You know this. I am on anti-anxiety, having therapy and on a hormone pill. We all go through the same motions same crap everyday. Together.

PLEASE RETURN TO TAKING YOUR NORMAL DOSE and seek the guidance of your doctor if you are absolutely set on quitting. However, I urge you to get assistance and TRAVEL HOURS if you HAVE to, to get a second opinon. Rambo99 you deserve whatever it takes to get a second opinion. Whatever the cost or time you need it ASAP as you are clearly backed into a corner. There is hope but only if you seek a fresh pair of eyes attached to a different brain.

Well done for getting out but be careful, please. I have seen the side effects FIRST HAND and rarely is the victim aware of the needless suffering that they endure. xx
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post #67 of 122 Old 03-02-2018, 09:54 PM Thread Starter
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I quit med because doctor just wouldn't budge on lowering dose.Or help with getting off meds. Was pretty much told I need to be on them. I feel ok so far but I stopped meds yesterday, so not quite 2 days. Doctor gave a new prescription for 3 more refills. I didn't get it filled. I told doctor I would quit taking meds, he advised not to. Was told pretty much what was said here.

I can start taking meds again..but really like not being tired foggy minded and lightheadedness. yes I can get another opinion there are 3 other doctors so I could choose one and get appointment.

Suicidal thoughts are a little more there then when on meds. Not horrible but it's there.I feel in control of my emotions though. I know not smart to cold turkey it but I was tired of being tired.
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post #68 of 122 Old 03-02-2018, 10:06 PM
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The only issue is the cold turkey, when it hits you, makes you not you. So there is a risk that if it does, and I hope it doesn't, happen you'll lose some of your faculties in the ensuing chaos. I'm pretty bummed that your doctor held fast on that but sometimes they are so set on protecting their own asses they forget about the right to choose the less advised path if we, the patient, decide to. I'm glad you can see another doctor. I do not blame you for being fed up of the sedated, detached state you lived. It protects you from everything, including happiness and alertness. Please seek help and if at anytime there is a blip or something triggers you at most get immediate help from a loved one and at the very least you know you can reach out here. x
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post #69 of 122 Old 03-02-2018, 10:34 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Kalraii View Post
The only issue is the cold turkey, when it hits you, makes you not you. So there is a risk that if it does, and I hope it doesn't, happen you'll lose some of your faculties in the ensuing chaos.
Now that's scary to think I could have that happen.. think I'll go back on meds. Guess living in a fog being tiered and lightheaded, is better then losing it mentally. I've got my kids don't want them, to witness mom going off the deep end.

Yes living in a fog sucks & I hate it. Going to take my meds now. Thanks for talking sense into me, yeah I feel in control now. I suppose it could change.
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post #70 of 122 Old 03-02-2018, 11:17 PM
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Definitely - It can be scary. I think you're right in that there needs to be adjustments - there is absolutely no reason you need to stick to this single option, it's not true, especially if you're "with it" enough to be unhappy and detached. A balance can be found but it is a lengthy, time consuming process. Proceed with caution and do not take any single professional at face value. Shop around and see what can be done. And for the record you ARE in control right now, clearly, so there's that :)
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