Long time lurker here, I just started my journal today actually. Your's is the first thread that I've come across that I feel I had to comment on, in 3 years of lurking.
Firstly, I am so so sorry for your loss. No words that anyone says can take the pain of losing them away, and so many people get very awkward around or because of death. Everyone handles death in a different way. I cannot fix it, but I can sympathize, and am truly sorry.
I do understand about your depression and your feeling suicidal. I myself am diagnosed with bipolar, severe social anxiety, and a condition called chronic suicidal ideation. I have very big ups. I have even worse downs. My brain tells me I should die, every single day, whether it's a good day or bad. So here are some thoughts I have, maybe a slightly obscure perspective from most here on things that *I* do, to see daylight tomorrow.
*Cry. Trust me. Everyone says crying doesn't solve anything, but honestly, giving myself the permission to cry has been very freeing. I'm a big girl, and if I am sad, upset, angry etc and I need to cry, I give myself permission to do so. It's OK to feel.
*Vitamins and sunshine. Take B vitamin supplements and get some sunshine. Even if you sit on the porch on a cloudy day, it will help you produce vitamins that do help you feel better.
*Post it notes. My house is covered with these. Every reason I can think of both good and bad for having to be alive for tomorrow. Feed the dog, check the mail, order DVDs, horse kisses, eating cake, yelling at rude bratty kids, ANYTHING it takes to jog your brain to wanting to live just 1 more day.
*Adult coloring books. Get some markers, sit at a table and color. Every single time I've been in inpatient treatment, this is the only activity they allow patients. It's mindless, but it's focused. Stay in the lines, choose the color, choose the pictures, and just go. Even outside of treatment centers, I keep my box of color books, gel pens, markers, color pencils. Turn on some music, and instantly feel better. (Maybe kids had a good thing going all along?)
There are other things that I do, but most important things have been said. Find some form of support and some way to keep going, but do not push yourself. *Things take time.*
On a side note, if you might be bipolar instead of just depressed, depression meds will just make your condition worse. . . Things I found out the hard way. I wish you all the very best.