A rant!! A big one... beware.... - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 29 Old 03-10-2020, 07:54 PM Thread Starter
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A rant!! A big one... beware....

I'm gonna write this and then probably delete it. But here goes:

My beloved cousin is holding a huge family party for her father, my beloved uncle, who will be 95!!! So amazing and so fantastic that he is still here among us, still vibrant and funny and intelligent. All the cousins and remaining relatives are invited: including an uncle who is also a molester.

There are four major families: Family A: 3 boys, 1 girl - no one molested. Family B: - 2 boys, 1 girl - no one molested. Family C: 2 boys one girl - no one molested. Family D: 4 girls - all molested.

Now by molested, I do not mean raped. I mean hands on and in places that uninvited hands should never go, and massive, massive betrayal of trust.

My older sister was an adult when he got her: she was a guest in his home and she punched him, then gathered her belongings and left.

He got me as a young teen in the ocean off of Cape Cod. I did not fare so well, but instead assumed that I had to be mistaken, that such an upstanding man of God would not, could not, do such a thing.

But he did.

But he couldn't have.

But he did.

If you see a pig fly, you feel it and smell it and touch it but you know that in no known universe do pigs fly, there is only one explanation.

I decided that I was crazy. And not just crazy, but dangerously and perversely crazy, and the things I said to myself about myself were criminally cruel.

I made myself a black cape and wore it around for the next five years, even though we lived in California and it got really hot. I never went anywhere without it.

I refused to wear a bathing suit EVER again or go swimming, and I stuck to that until I got married at 46. And why did I get married at 46? Because I refused to date. I knew wasn't worthy and far, far too dangerous. I felt that it was my duty to protect men from my noxious and perverted self. I stopped speaking to people and skipped school at every opportunity. If I ever felt even a tiny bit attracted to a guy, I would turn away and sharply berate myself, reminding myself that was tainted and unworthy and that if I didn't want to destroy that person I had better stay away.

After my sister’s revelation and I realized that the perversion was the uncle’s, not mine (I was probably 31 at this point) I decided that I had better start dating or wind up old and alone. So at 33, I found a guy that I could not possibly hurt, a guy with a shriveled heart who was incapable of falling in love. All I wanted to do was lose my virginity and kind of break that barrier, and he was reputed to be experienced. Unfortunately, it backfired, he did “fall in love” with me and I was stuck. He had no friends. He had no family. Nobody liked him. He was mean but oh so needy, and leaving felt like kicking a stray dog to the curb. 13 years later I finally managed it.

Needless to say I have no children, even though I always yearned for them. I took care of my nieces and nephews instead.

My Mom, little sister and baby sister spent three months living with this family when we moved East from California. My little sister was the pretty one, and built... well, she was built. When she got to their home she weighed about 120. Three months later she weighed 78 pounds and was in Hershey Medical with anorexia. She doesn't remember anything, but I can not believe that was a coincidence.

My baby sister. Fourteen years younger than I am, and the light of my life and delight of my heart. This uncle got her when she was 15. At the end of a family visit, he stole up into her bedroom, grabbed her and groped her. I found her about 15 minutes after uncle left, shaking and sobbing in a closet, which is where she hid after she crawled out from under the bed where she initially went to escape.

Now the lid flew off the can, and suddenly I realized that pigs do in fact, fly. I told baby sister we had to tell, and with an arm around her shoulder and over her sobbing protestations, I guided her into my folks room and told them what happened.

Fortunately, my mother believed her, uncle was summoned back along with all of the aunts and uncles who would attend, and there was a massive and frankly futile family meeting with a counselor present. But this sister took it heard. Very hard. She says she has forgiven but cannot forget….

Well, I haven’t forgiven, not even close. For someone to get forgiveness, they first have to acknowledge a wrong, make an earnest attempt not to recommit the transgression, and to ask for forgiveness and understanding. Hasn’t happened yet!

Apparently, all the other aunts and uncles knew about this uncle’s proclivity, this little foible of his. They were able to protect their daughters. Nobody told the family with FOUR daughters that they should be careful. In fact, they were mad at my folks for calling my uncle back and "ruining his summer vacation". They said that if we persisted in persecuting this uncle, we would be “out of the family”.

And they were right. Because at every subsequent family gathering, funeral, wedding, picnic, uncle has been present. And I get it, I do. He is a sibling, his parents only boy, a Deacon of the church and a paragon of virtue. His daughter, another cousin, was my best friend for years, until she moved away.

So anyway, we have this 95th birthday celebration coming up: coming up on my birthday as it happens, April 18th. All my cousins will be there with their spouses and their children, and in some cases, their grandchildren. Loved ones that I haven’t seen in decades, and I am not going. I could handle it by simply avoiding this man, but my baby sister cannot. She just can’t, and nothing makes it better, and I don’t blame her. Why should she be forced to fraternize with her molester or even be in the same space with him?

Beloved cousin, daughter of the equally beloved 95 year old celebrant, cannot understand why forgiveness comes so hard to us. She said her father has forgiven this uncle, his brother-in-law, so why can’t we?

What? Her father has forgiven his brother-in-law for molesting someone else’s daughters? What has he got to forgive? Embarrassment? Inconvenience?

Anyway, I’m not going to this function with my extended family. Again. I really, really want to. I would give almost anything to see my cousins again, but I would also rather eat nails coated with broken glass than further betray my sister.

She would say, “Go, go” but in her heart, I know it would really hurt her.
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post #2 of 29 Old 03-10-2020, 08:15 PM
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Sorry this monster so affected you ladies and damaged the family

I would not go either.

I understand family pressure and am proud of you for sticking with your sister.

No way would I go and grant the beast the privilege of my presence.

I fail to understand why the molester is still part of the family.
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post #3 of 29 Old 03-10-2020, 08:16 PM
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I am so sorry to see such a post. It is really hard when there is no consequence for the guilty party. Sadly it happens more frequently than people realize.

I would say call this uncle who is so special and wish him the happiest of birthdays, send a card with a letter or a present of something he would enjoy, spend that time that you can how you can, without the masses.

Reach out to the cousins you are closest to and test the waters. See if they know about this uncle. It could be they are not aware. It may be you can open other avenues for spending time with them as well. In person or virtual.

Be your sister's support. May I ask if she is in therapy to help her work through this?

Some horse people change their horse, they change their tack and discipline, they change their instructor; they never change themselves.
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post #4 of 29 Old 03-10-2020, 08:16 PM
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I'm so sorry...

You've bared a horrible burden you have carried for to long.
Is your sister coming to be with you?
You should visit and support each other and seek help, counseling as this is eating you both up.
You have not moved past...you can't and I understand that too.
You've never forgiven, your right...
And neither of you will ever forget.
To move forth though, you need to forgive yourself not him...you for you did nothing wrong but be a child who was wronged by a sick man.
Somehow you do need to learn to forgive you, for your sister to forgive herself...not the attacker!

The saddest part of this is this family gathering shall resemble happy & carefree in celebration...
It is a sham since two important pieces of it will not attend.
I hope that those innocent young lives that do attend are chaperoned, protected and never left alone for a second with this human being still on the loose...those innocent lives may also become scarred forever by the celebration.
Maybe that warning needs whispered in some ears...a warning of what may be from the beloved and what he truly is...a monster to innocence.

Sorry, I do really offer hugs of support but have "0" tolerance for smut like him, "family" or not regardless of age.
Forgive you for being innocent and losing that innocence...the first step in learning to love yourself again.
At one time in other nations, a person like him was dealt with in pretty unkind ways, but they worked and saved other innocents from harm...learned about that years ago in college classes of cultural differences.


The worst day is instantly better when shared with my horse.....
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post #5 of 29 Old 03-10-2020, 08:37 PM
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I know all about molesters, first hand. In my case, it was my step-father. And he wasn't mean. No, he told me how 'special' I was . . . . until I become a co-conspiritor in his secret visits. This is very hard to reconcile, since it's not this thing that is obviously against your will. No slapping or scratching to make it clear cut who is the attacker and who the victim.
But, I never thought I was crazy, either.

I am not going to go into details, but suffice it say that I would not want for anything in the world to be in the same room with him again. I once confronted him as a young adult of about 25. I told him I forgave him, thinking it would make me feel better. You can't manufacture forgiveness, and he didn't apologize, so I left it there. I am sure he is now dead and gone. Poor soul.
I have a family, a husband and children, and no one whose forgiveness I hunger for.
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post #6 of 29 Old 03-10-2020, 09:41 PM
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I'm so, so sorry.
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post #7 of 29 Old 03-10-2020, 10:45 PM
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I'm so very sorry. And, I'm with you 100%, I would stick by my little sis and we would not go. We might go after Uncle Pervie left, but we would not go while he was there. I would visit with those I cared a hoot about and the rest could as Flo from Mel's Diner said, "Kiss my grits.".

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post #8 of 29 Old 03-11-2020, 12:23 AM
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I feel for you so much and I agree with your resolve in staying by your lil sis. It is amazing how weak people are as a collective. Out of sight out of mind. Preserve appearances at all costs. Better me than you. Gotta keep the peace. Ugh.

Oh I can forgive. But you bet I'd also be doing everything to erase him and any that knew and were too cowardly to make him answer when it mattered most. The second-hand people that were too young to understand and/or are only aware of a vague, unconfirmed rumour? Those that prefer the proud excitement of an upcoming birthday of an elder than the possibly reality that they are in fact celebrating a paedophiles life? I'd expect them to reach out of course. To check on family. See if you are ok and make a decision for themselves even if only to understand your stance. If they don't reach out. When they don't reach out. Understand that they are weak. And know that you are not. It is a huge sacrifice of course but you and your sister aren't alone. There is a whole family of us out in the world that have been abused and alienated by our families or left by choice. I can forgive them. Because they are weak. It is like looking upon on a fly with no wings. They can't help being useless. Gone is any expectation and with it the chance of disappointment. They wont be the first second third or last person I'd go to for support much less their praise. Remember you miss who you thought they are.. who they project themselves to be. On the surface they are lovely, fun, people I'm sure but you and your sister have been cut deep. You need more than just some plaster.

Isn't it amazing though? How its actually HARD for people to do the RIGHT thing? Peer pressure is so strong. The bystander effect... too real. I'm resolved to not be a bystander to the best of my ability and even then it's not always good enough for my liking. The courage I can only imagine it took you and your sister to not fold is hugely admirable. You're doing the right thing and it has not gone unnoticed because you made this post and I love that there are so many compassionate people on here from all over the world. This is heart breaking. And the happiness that comes with knowing you're doing the right thing doesn't necessary outweigh the crushing sadness of this upcoming event. It is just my personal opinion that in your shoes I would create an event for those you deem worthy of your time and a second chance. Uncle excluded. His name a bannable offence in your presence. You aren't asking them to choose you/your sis over him. Remember, when it matters most, they are gonna be useless. But that's not reason to not enjoy their company and have a surface-level type relationship. You can't ask more or be disappointed because they've made it obvious they aint got any meat underneath and you guys got none to spare them. I don't even call it forgiveness. I call it acceptance.

It was the only way I could move forward at least. Moving forward is important. I wish you a future happy birthday! If you end up with a cake pls do share ;)
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post #9 of 29 Old 03-11-2020, 02:21 AM
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I am so sorry this ever happened to you and your sisters. It breaks my heart that you blamed yourself for so long and the affect it had on your life. On one hand I want to say you all should go and not let him win but on the other hand I get you not wanting to be anywhere near the sleazebag, I don't think I'd want to be either.

R.I.P. JC 5/19/85 - 12/9/14. You made my life better.
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post #10 of 29 Old 03-11-2020, 05:18 AM
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I feel your pain.

I to am the result of abuse. Not the same as yours, mine was just systematic cruelty, malice and bullying by an older sibling, ignored by parents as normal sibling relations. Mine never ended and the last interaction that I had with that older brother was five years ago when he screamed obscenities in my face while screaming that he wished he could kill me. I know it is not the same thing but to be hated so much, verbally abused and threatened with physical harm by someone for so long takes it's toll. I can forgive him, he has more issues than Readers Digest and his many years of drug abuse are certainly a factor.

I have to be honest it is the betrayal of the rest of my family that has really made me severe ties. I tried to get along for years but I finally realized that I had to value myself and realize my own self worth. I do not have to put myself in harms way just to keep someone else's vision of a 'perfect family' alive. Sometimes you just have to make the decision that is right for you. When you do realize your self worth, then you can put your own personal well being above others expectations of you. You need to be kind to yourself and if being in the same local as this man makes you sick to your stomach, creates huge amounts of fear and distress then being around him is not being kind to yourself and you should not have to do so in order to satisfy some fantastical ideal of how a family "should"look.

I now have a perfect family. I have a husband who worships the ground I walk on and treats me with more kindness, compassion and respect than I probably deserve some days. I have a beautiful daughter who has never known a day of abuse in her life, she is the kindest and most considerate young woman you could ever hope to meet and I am so proud of her. I spend limited time with some of my relatives, but never attend anything that my brother will be present at and it is not out of the petty spite my family members accuse me of harboring - I now have too much self respect to allow myself to be treated so disrespectfully by anyone. We are all allowed to set boundaries, do not let anyone make you feel guilty for doing so.

If you truly wish to spend time with your other relatives, do so under conditions of your choosing. It is tough because sometimes we lie to ourselves about what we want from the people who have hurt us, we say we require nothing from them, yet time and time again we come away from them feeling angry and unvindicated. It is a hard lesson to learn that people who claim to care for you prefer a status quo that requires them to do nothing than to have to do something that makes them uncomfortable - BUT that is all right. You have to learn to be all right with that because the only other option is to remain angry and bitter and dis-empowered by others apathy. You have your own strength and the best way to utilize that strength is to have no expectations of others, only faith in your own strength and wisdom.

It's late here and I am tired waffling so my apologies. I just want you to know that you have been heard and loving thoughts are heading your way.

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.D Adams

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