Relationship advice on Horse Forum!?
Small background info, been with my partner 5 1/2 years, engaged for 1 year. I am 25, he is 33.
With our approaching wedding, I am starting to seriously think about my fiance and my relationship. He is, for the most part, a wonderful, kind, caring man. He helped me through my toughest time and helped me cope with PTSD and depression.
However, there are a few problems that I am finding harder and harder to deal with. For one, when he is frustrated with something, he will snap at me if I say something to him, or go to hug/kiss. "What do you want!" or, "Bad timing!" being some examples. He gets unnecessarily aggro at things. Another thing which is happening more and more often, is that if we are trying to talk through a difficult situation or problem, and I don't understand, instead of trying to explain his thoughts a different way, he decides that I'm "just not listening". He used to be very good at changing his words to help me understand, but he just...doesn't anymore. Also, despite him knowing everything about my troubled childhood and the behaviour I developed thus, he still continues to do things he knows triggers me; e.g. slamming his hands on the table and standing up abruptly, raising his voice and taking on an angry demeanour. I understand people get angry, but to me, anger always lead to me getting hit, so I find it threatening, and when I am triggered I basically curl up into the fetal position on the bed and wait for the abuse to come. He has NEVER hit me, or even come close to hitting me, but is it too much to ask that when he is angry, he just leaves the room til he calms down rather than reacting a way he knows will upset me?
I love him very much but I do not believe in "love conquers all" and I don't want to end up divorcing him over issues that I could have fixed or avoided before we get married. I also don't want to go into marriage thinking we will overcome these things when we can't/won't. Not to mention, because of my childhood, I want to raise my own future children with the kind of father that doesn't get aggressive. I want them to be raised with an experience that cements "violence is not the answer". I want to be married for the rest of my life, and I want to be happy in that marriage.
On top of all that, I have zero sex drive and he still somehow believes that means I don't find him attractive, despite my reassurances and even my doctor saying, 'sadly that's just how she is'.
I don't know who to talk to and I can't afford to see a relationship therapist.
There is also another man I am in love with, and I am polyamorous, and firmly believe you can love many people sexually, emotionally, etc. so it doesn't bother me that I have found love with another as well. My partner knows and supports me and my relationship with this man. My issue with this second person is that we have only admitted love for each other for about a month, and he seems as perfect as my fiance was when we first got together. I know nobody is perfect, but having a loving, caring, listener who can discuss difficult topics without getting upset or aggro is making it harder to see what is best for myself. I've spent my life making other people happy and I just want to do whats best for myself for a change. I need unbiased opinions on my honest admission.
Fiance knowingly triggers my PTSD and although he is otherwise perfect I feel like I can't get over this trait.
Eventual breeder of fine horses
Last edited by Mythilus; 01-01-2019 at 08:54 AM.