Relationship advice on Horse Forum!? - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 72 Old 01-01-2019, 08:48 AM Thread Starter
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Relationship advice on Horse Forum!?

Small background info, been with my partner 5 1/2 years, engaged for 1 year. I am 25, he is 33.


With our approaching wedding, I am starting to seriously think about my fiance and my relationship. He is, for the most part, a wonderful, kind, caring man. He helped me through my toughest time and helped me cope with PTSD and depression.
However, there are a few problems that I am finding harder and harder to deal with. For one, when he is frustrated with something, he will snap at me if I say something to him, or go to hug/kiss. "What do you want!" or, "Bad timing!" being some examples. He gets unnecessarily aggro at things. Another thing which is happening more and more often, is that if we are trying to talk through a difficult situation or problem, and I don't understand, instead of trying to explain his thoughts a different way, he decides that I'm "just not listening". He used to be very good at changing his words to help me understand, but he just...doesn't anymore. Also, despite him knowing everything about my troubled childhood and the behaviour I developed thus, he still continues to do things he knows triggers me; e.g. slamming his hands on the table and standing up abruptly, raising his voice and taking on an angry demeanour. I understand people get angry, but to me, anger always lead to me getting hit, so I find it threatening, and when I am triggered I basically curl up into the fetal position on the bed and wait for the abuse to come. He has NEVER hit me, or even come close to hitting me, but is it too much to ask that when he is angry, he just leaves the room til he calms down rather than reacting a way he knows will upset me?
I love him very much but I do not believe in "love conquers all" and I don't want to end up divorcing him over issues that I could have fixed or avoided before we get married. I also don't want to go into marriage thinking we will overcome these things when we can't/won't. Not to mention, because of my childhood, I want to raise my own future children with the kind of father that doesn't get aggressive. I want them to be raised with an experience that cements "violence is not the answer". I want to be married for the rest of my life, and I want to be happy in that marriage.
On top of all that, I have zero sex drive and he still somehow believes that means I don't find him attractive, despite my reassurances and even my doctor saying, 'sadly that's just how she is'.
I don't know who to talk to and I can't afford to see a relationship therapist.


There is also another man I am in love with, and I am polyamorous, and firmly believe you can love many people sexually, emotionally, etc. so it doesn't bother me that I have found love with another as well. My partner knows and supports me and my relationship with this man. My issue with this second person is that we have only admitted love for each other for about a month, and he seems as perfect as my fiance was when we first got together. I know nobody is perfect, but having a loving, caring, listener who can discuss difficult topics without getting upset or aggro is making it harder to see what is best for myself. I've spent my life making other people happy and I just want to do whats best for myself for a change. I need unbiased opinions on my honest admission.


TL;DR


Fiance knowingly triggers my PTSD and although he is otherwise perfect I feel like I can't get over this trait.

Eventual breeder of fine horses

Last edited by Mythilus; 01-01-2019 at 08:54 AM.
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post #2 of 72 Old 01-01-2019, 09:51 AM
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Alright, keep in mind that I say this easily because there are no emotional attachments but "RUN". This man may be triggering your PTSD but to tell you the truth, I don't have PTSD and I would be hauling butt as fast as I can. "What do you want?" Or "Bad timing" are not really nice things to say and is constructed in an attempt to make his feelings your fault. Something like "Babe, I'm not really into it right now" is a lot gentler and the blame is placed on where it belongs, his feelings and not on you.

Secondly, Standing up and over me in an aggressive manner would be having me getting up and walking away for good and is only the start. He's controlling himself right now but doesn't mean he always will.

The red flags are waving in your face, look at them for what they are.

Have you considered that he might not be as on board with consensual and responsible non-monogamy as you originally thought? Maybe he is acting out from that or maybe not. Either way, there is better ways to handle it than getting abusive. That is still him no matter what the circumstances are.

Maybe you aren't really the one for him and he can't say so and gets resentful instead. Still not a reason to be abusive though.
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post #3 of 72 Old 01-01-2019, 10:16 AM
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Let him go. IMHO the snapping is because deep down he is not ok with someone else. You say lately this has happened. Give good odds it's when the someone else came to the forefront.

It's only going to get worse. Let him find someone else who he is enough for would be in everyone's best interest.
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post #4 of 72 Old 01-01-2019, 10:28 AM
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Your not ready for a commitment of marriage if you are still seeking out others to "love". You need to break it off with your fiancÚ until you are ready to commit to only one person for the rest of your life.
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post #5 of 72 Old 01-01-2019, 10:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ksbowman View Post
Your not ready for a commitment of marriage if you are still seeking out others to "love". You need to break it off with your fiancÚ until you are ready to commit to only one person for the rest of your life.
Now that isn't fair I don't think, considering she said she does not have a single-love view of things. There isn't anything wrong with that as long as all parties are fine with it.

But OP I agree with the others. If he's acting aggressively, especially if it's been becoming more prominent and especially when he knows it upsets you, I'd be leaving too. A friend of mine is in a similar relationship and I hate seeing what it does to her, but she won't give it up. Please don't let yourself live on edge because you never know what he might do or how he might react to something.

He's never hit you, but if he's yelling and slamming things around, that is still emotional abuse to at least some degree.
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post #6 of 72 Old 01-01-2019, 10:56 AM
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He has the view most men do. The fiancÚ does not like being cucked. Most men don't and would have been gone .
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post #7 of 72 Old 01-01-2019, 11:22 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlindHorseEnthusiast4582 View Post
Now that isn't fair I don't think, considering she said she does not have a single-love view of things. There isn't anything wrong with that as long as all parties are fine with it.

But OP I agree with the others. If he's acting aggressively, especially if it's been becoming more prominent and especially when he knows it upsets you, I'd be leaving too. A friend of mine is in a similar relationship and I hate seeing what it does to her, but she won't give it up. Please don't let yourself live on edge because you never know what he might do or how he might react to something.

He's never hit you, but if he's yelling and slamming things around, that is still emotional abuse to at least some degree.
If sh doesn't have a single -love view of things then she should not be married. This is why so many marriages anymore are temporary instead of being a commitment for life as the vows say. I've been married for 49 years and when we took our vows it was to exclude all others, if you can't do that then just don't get married.
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post #8 of 72 Old 01-01-2019, 11:31 AM
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Agree to disagree, with so many factors to be considered in individual relationships. Some have no problem with an open marriage. If I came across as condescending or hostile, that was not my goal, simply a difference of opinion.
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Don't judge someone's horse or skill because they don't compete or work with a trainer.

Sometimes they're the most in tune with each other.
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post #9 of 72 Old 01-01-2019, 12:31 PM
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Having walked away from one (3 days before the wedding) and divorced two... it's waaay better to bite the bullet now than have to deal with the suck of a bad marriage and a divorce later.

Use it to start an adventure.

You are young and will bounce back quickly.
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Last edited by lsdrider; 01-01-2019 at 12:43 PM.
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post #10 of 72 Old 01-01-2019, 01:31 PM
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I know quite a few open marriages and one or two that actually work but it takes a very different mindset than most of us were raised with. I'm all for 'To each his own' but a lot of people act like they are ok with open relationships when deep down they really are not.

There will be only one of you for all time. Fearlessly be yourself.
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