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post #11 of 71 Old 01-01-2019, 12:47 PM
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I agree with @LoriF , run don't walk away. I have seen too many of my friends relationships start this way and before it was over it ended up turning physical. No matter how long the relationship is pre-marriage those type of men seem to be able to hold it together until they get the ring on your finger and then they no longer try to control their need to lash out.
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post #12 of 71 Old 01-01-2019, 01:31 PM
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If you are in a relationship that is deteriorating and bordering becoming abusive....why?
Why would you stay and allow such treatment from someone who "loves" you?
I don't understand it...

I also don't understand "open" relationships regarding being married, taking vows and then literally saying it is OK to go out, break those vows and yes, fool around with others...
Consent given or not...

I would ask...
If this was the other way would you really be OK that your spouse or fiance is not finding you enough for them but is out finding pleasure and support, physical and emotional, in the arms of another....

To each their own...
What floats your boat would sink my ship and ruin me.

To me...
It is cheating on my partner.
It is adultery and against my upbringing and vows taken with my spouse in front of God in a church with our families present.
I'm old-fashioned, admit that one 100%...
To me, being faithful to one partner is love and stability...lived every day.
If you can't or won't do that then don't be in a committed relationship.
Even my nieces and nephews when read this to them looked at me like I was nuts...
They did not see respect from you and in turn no trust given back = bad news and get out till you both get your priorities in order.

I'm married 38 years this year....
My spouse has never threatened me with words, tone or superiority in body language...
In a relationship such as yours...I would return the ring, cancel the wedding date and break off all commitment.
Emotional abuse is a just as damaging as physical. Scars and marks are hidden from view but they do exist and cause damage.
You though too need some counseling imo cause you don't stay in a abusive relationship as this where you are terrified of abuse...that is unhealthy and just plain speaks of sickness needing attention, professional intervention and attention to heal and fix.

This isn't a dig at you or your lifestyle choices...
It is a honest set of comments that end with I don't think most of us here can truly understand a "open" relationship as you describe and not having issues.
Many of us also see huge red flags and warning signs of impending real abuse when when you/your fiance should be on the best of behavior BEFORE you say "I do" you feel threatened and vulnerable in the presence of your future spouse....something is seriously wrong in your relationship.
To me, your future life partner should be your champion, your rock and support to turn to in time of trouble, heartache, joy and just everything...
What you describe makes me want to run away ...not run to..

The worst day is instantly better when shared with my horse.....

Last edited by horselovinguy; 01-01-2019 at 01:42 PM. Reason: typos...
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post #13 of 71 Old 01-01-2019, 01:44 PM
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He may be becoming violent because he is expected to commit to you, and you are finding love elsewhere. That would be a deal breaker to me. But in your defense, so would the screaming and such.

This is not going to work. Give back the ring. Run from both men. Figure out your own life. Then think about relationships.

I would be willing to wager that if you get married now, you will regret it. I think that you know it in your heart, or you would have not asked about it.

I believe that you can love more than one individual. Your parents. Your kids. Your husband. But marriage is a special and exclusive relationship.

Sure, Dolly Parton's husband put up with it, but she is rich.

Carpe Diem!
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post #14 of 71 Old 01-01-2019, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by ksbowman View Post
If sh doesn't have a single -love view of things then she should not be married. This is why so many marriages anymore are temporary instead of being a commitment for life as the vows say. I've been married for 49 years and when we took our vows it was to exclude all others, if you can't do that then just don't get married.
Just because this is your(& many peoples) view of marriage doesn't mean it is or should be everyone's. It is fine to have those particular morals but not to dictate them to everyone imo.

At any rate op, going off your story, agree with others that whatever the 'trigger' your fiance is being abusive. Do not discount it just because it's not physical.

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post #15 of 71 Old 01-01-2019, 02:56 PM
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an 'open' marriage might work if all sides are equally happy and balanced. But, if the woman is going to another man to escape the first man, this is an unbalanced situation and will topple all.

Your fiance may be overly aggressive in his demeanor, but in his defense, he has a future, too. He is not just 'scenery' to YOUR future. He must be very frustrated with you and your loving someone else, but then saying you have zero libido.

Each of you has your own future, and it sounds like neither one of you is making the other's future look brighter.
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post #16 of 71 Old 01-01-2019, 03:12 PM
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even I'm straightforward monogamous myself, I personally think that there are people who view this thing other way. Nothing wrong it in IMHO, if you are yourself fine and "balanced" with that thing.

At this point, I'd absolutely not to get married with that man. I think that maybe the most logical thing would be to run away, but however, I wonder if there are something wrong with your man, which he then "unloads" by being disrespectful toward you? If so, he needs help + new coping strategies as well and the thing could work out if he received help for his own situation first. But this means that he truly has to want that help himself and it's never OK to pour your own problems to someone else's neck, especially if she carries wounds like you've from your own childhood.

However, continuing with a partner like him would mean taking a risk. There are people with psychopathic and narcissistic or plainly just less admirable traits out there and the risk of getting into their 'games' after they have received "help" is, still, there. Never been there myself but what I've learnt from others and as a part of my studies (I'm a bachelor of social services), people like start slowly; at first they treat you like a queen, then small things sneak in, such as a little dig here and there, then maybe more serious name calling or other mental abuse, then they perhaps start to throw things or show other physically aggressive symptoms, perhaps isolating from your friends and family and finally they'll hit you. OP, I absolutely don't mean that your fiance is like this, maybe it's something smaller bothering him (and it'd be worked out for example with the said professional help given to him & accepted by him) but I'd stay alerted and check these things once a while if you feel that there is something 'wrong' with him. Especially if I had a background like you have, I'd surround myself with 'safe' people.

As others said, maybe the polyamory thing bothers him, perhaps it's something else. I think that openly polyamorous people or monogamous people who are ready to accept that their partner is polyamorous are probably still a minority (but they do exist!), and you need a person like this so you can have a balanced relationship if you polyamory is your way to go. Some monogamous people can perhaps accept it after processing the thing first theirselves or in couple counselling but some will never do and it's something that we just have to accept.

You are from US, right? As coming from Finland, I don't know how things work over there but if there is even a small change to get any free/low-cost therapy or any kind of counselling, I'd try it. My childhood wasn't very easy either, and my therapist has helped me enormously. Depending a little on your therapy/counselling/help, you can perhaps also talk about issues like your life plans (like fiances and weddings and your worries related to them) with your therapist/counselor and will get some 'mirror' and fresh point of views for your situation from him or her.

Summarum summarum: I know that this man is important to you, you have common past and he has helped you a lot, but I don't think that marriage is the right & wise movement for you to choose at this point. As I described above, maybe the breakup or at least putting everything 'on hold' would be the best choice until you can figure yourself and the situation out or at least calm this all down a little. I also promise that there are men who treat you well and respect you out there, since I'm married to one of them. Plus, I'd say - even to the most balanced/problem-free people/couple - if you hesitate getting married to the point in which you end up to ask yourself the question "do I?", the time, situation or something isn't right for the marriage just now and if I was there, I wouldn't get married at that point.

And the last words - good luck and Happy New Year! I hope that this year will be a good one for you .
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Last edited by TaMMa89; 01-01-2019 at 03:22 PM.
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post #17 of 71 Old 01-01-2019, 03:16 PM
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Originally Posted by loosie View Post
Just because this is your(& many peoples) view of marriage doesn't mean it is or should be everyone's. It is fine to have those particular morals but not to dictate them to everyone imo.

At any rate op, going off your story, agree with others that whatever the 'trigger' your fiance is being abusive. Do not discount it just because it's not physical.
Exactly this. I am pretty much a monogamous relationship type person. But, I do believe that people should live there lives in a way that will create their happiness. No one is responsible for you happiness except for yourself. Never in my lifetime will I let another human being dictate what my happiness should look like.

OP, I don't know you or your fiance from Adam but if a friend were coming to me with this problem, I would tell her that she probably should not marry this man right now if ever.

He says that he supports your ideas around relationships but I'm not too convinced that he really does. Guys, especially younger men, at first thought of a non monogamous relationship would be all for it because they are thinking about what they can do with it. A lot of times it doesn't hit them until later that you meant you too and meant it. Maybe he thought by proposing and marrying you would put a halt to the open relationship stuff.
I used to exclusively date a guy that I caught twice cheating. After the second time I told him that if he wanted to see other people to just let me know instead of sneaking around. He then said to me "But then you will probably start seeing someone else too" I found that amusing and then walked away from it.

You say that you have 0 sex drive yet you became involved with another person over the last month. You tell him that it's you and not him and that you find him attractive but he can't help thinking that your sex drive is just fine with another person whether it be real or imagined. And, I kind of don't blame him. I think that I would feel hurt too. None of this is a good excuse to show aggression towards you regardless.

I just think that right now there is a lot of incompatibility going on and would put a major hold on the marriage vows.

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post #18 of 71 Old 01-01-2019, 03:38 PM
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I think you need to talk to a therapist. A good one. You should talk to the therapist alone at first, and decide whether couples therapy might be good for you both. This is an unhealthy relationship.
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post #19 of 71 Old 01-01-2019, 03:44 PM
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I agree with others. This relationship is probably destined to fail for several reasons.

People do not change easily, and are rarely changed at the behest of others. The unfortunate truth is that we are generally our worst selves around those who love us the most. His anger and frustration will probably stay the same or worsen over time.

It is not fair to expect others to bear the burden of past traumas and mental health issues. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself and manage your symptoms. One of the most important coping skills to learn and use for mental health is establishing healthy boundaries with others and communicating needs and expectations in an adult manner. If others are not able to meet your needs and respect your boundaries, you need to determine whether it is healthy for either of you to continue to be together. Self care sometimes dictates walking away from unhealthy relationships instead of trying to force someone to accept your issues and walk on eggshells to avoid your triggers. Neither person in the scenario are bad or evil, but someone with childhood trauma is probably not compatible with a person who expresses their anger with a loud voice or gestures.

Open relationships are most likely destined to fail, as others before me have stated.

Do not get married. Heed the red flags in this relationship and walk away. When you stay in a bad relationdhip, it prevents both of you from moving on and finding the right relationship.

If you can't put up with it before marriage, don't get married. It won't magically change.
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post #20 of 71 Old 01-01-2019, 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Acadianartist View Post
I think you need to talk to a therapist. A good one. You should talk to the therapist alone at first, and decide whether couples therapy might be good for you both. This is an unhealthy relationship.

Even I already commented that thread... That's actually very good reply & a piece of advice and hits the nail to the head. If you just can, maybe help coming from a professional who gets to know your situation would be the best choice.

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