Relationship advice on Horse Forum!? - Page 3 - The Horse Forum
 390Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
post #21 of 69 Old 01-01-2019, 04:16 PM
Foal
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Desert side of Pacific Northwest
Posts: 193
• Horses: 0
Many excellent pieces of advice here; most of which I agree with and hear saying, please, please, don't ever marry a man that you are having so many concerns about, especially if you feel as if in love with another. For his sake as well as yours.



Those of us much older know that generally things only get harder once married and that is when the real commitment and dedication to making a relationship work set in; as well as the real rewards of being in a successful partnership if you choose well and both intend to be your best. Find a community health service (usually low cost) with a therapist who will really listen to you as you work out what you want in life and how to be in a relationship with someone who can help make that happen.


If I can help one young woman not make mistakes that so many of us have made before, decided can take time to post as we head into a new year. Have confidence in yourself, as from the sounds of it, you are getting beyond the abuse you suffered and you know what is right. All the best in 2019 and we hope we hear better news from you in the future!


(On another note, just noticed a cute little tiny black bug running around on my screen; definitely "under" the glass. Am afraid that means something has infected HorseForum, will go look on another post and see if anyone is telling us what to do when that happens. Pretty worrisome, hope it doesn't mean I'll have to leave HF.....)
loosie and SueC like this.
LlamaPacker is offline  
post #22 of 69 Old 01-01-2019, 04:36 PM
Super Moderator
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 9,263
• Horses: 0
Quote:
Originally Posted by LlamaPacker View Post
(On another note, just noticed a cute little tiny black bug running around on my screen; definitely "under" the glass. Am afraid that means something has infected HorseForum, will go look on another post and see if anyone is telling us what to do when that happens. Pretty worrisome, hope it doesn't mean I'll have to leave HF.....)

No fears....
No infection here....


It is TaMMa89 "pet" to see how many pay attention to details...
Many of us have swatted our screens in the past only to realize later it is "a pet" ...

The worst day is instantly better when shared with my horse.....
horselovinguy is offline  
post #23 of 69 Old 01-01-2019, 04:41 PM
Green Broke
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North Atlanta metro
Posts: 4,351
• Horses: 0
Ok I'm definitely looking from the other side of the fence but here is what I see.

This guy is being made out to be some sort of abuser. And If I missed something in the original post, correct me. But I didn't see where he had a side piece. Or that the OP met him in some sort of open relationship setting.

So he thinks he is getting married. Meanwhile OP has been searching this whole time and found someone a month ago that she is in love with.

She is having her cake and eating it to and he is just serving. And he yells? I am the easiest going person in the world and I would yell to. Maybe not the best reaction admittedly. He should have said oh heyal naw and left.

OP definitely should not marry him. He has done nothing as far as I can tell to deserve this. OP should definitely see a professional. Another poster was right. Somebody else should not be paying for her issues.

That's part of the deal. While I am sorry for whatever happened to her, it's time for acceptance. What happened happened. What you are left with you are left with. Deal with it the best you can. But calling someone a abuser for having a reaction from you running around isn't it.

i understand this won't be popular.
aubie is offline  
post #24 of 69 Old 01-01-2019, 04:53 PM
Started
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,267
• Horses: 1
Quote:
Originally Posted by horselovinguy View Post
No fears....
No infection here....


It is TaMMa89 "pet" to see how many pay attention to details...
Many of us have swatted our screens in the past only to realize later it is "a pet" ...
Ah, I like that lol Never noticed before.
SueC likes this.

Don't judge someone's horse or skill because they don't compete or work with a trainer.

Sometimes they're the most in tune with each other.
BlindHorseEnthusiast4582 is offline  
post #25 of 69 Old 01-01-2019, 05:06 PM Thread Starter
Weanling
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 386
• Horses: 2
Long post ahead, you have been warned...


First of all, thank you for all the responses. I have friends and family to talk to but I feel they are all biased to some extent, so I really needed some fresh views. I have a few questions from people to address.


Horselovinguy says:
If you are in a relationship that is deteriorating and bordering becoming abusive....why?
Because, (and I know this is the lamest of excuses) I love him. I was friends with him when his first marriage broke down and saw how that affected him; I don't wish to put anyone through that kind of pain.
Why would you stay and allow such treatment from someone who "loves" you?
I....I don't know.
If this was the other way would you really be OK that your spouse or fiance is not finding you enough for them but is out finding pleasure and support, physical and emotional, in the arms of another....
No. I wouldn't. And that was heckin' hard to admit.


TaMMa89 says:

I wonder if there are something wrong with your man, which he then "unloads" by being disrespectful toward you? If so, he needs help + new coping strategies as well and the thing could work out if he received help for his own situation first.
This actually brings up something I left out in the original post - he doesn't want to help himself. He was seeing a therapist for a while but stopped due to costs. He is full-time employed so he is not eligible for reduced cost, despite the fact we live paycheck to paycheck. But the important part is that he makes excuses as to why he won't help himself.



Aubie says:
This guy is being made out to be some sort of abuser. And If I missed something in the original post, correct me. But I didn't see where he had a side piece. Or that the OP met him in some sort of open relationship setting.
This is my bad for leaving out an important detail. When we got together, we agreed to be polyamorous. We agreed monogamy wasn't for us. He has had a few side ladies over the years that didn't stick around for various reasons.




I guess, to finish up this post, I am scared that leaving is the right thing to do. I am scared of the hurt it will cause and the loss of the benefits of our relationship (I lost my job so he is supporting me financially). When we talked last night, I went from "I want OUT of this", to "Aww I love him, I do wanna get married" and now I've woken up this morning, I truly do not know if I want to.
loosie, boots and SueC like this.

Eventual breeder of fine horses
Mythilus is offline  
post #26 of 69 Old 01-01-2019, 05:18 PM
Started
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,267
• Horses: 1
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mythilus View Post
When we talked last night, I went from "I want OUT of this", to "Aww I love him, I do wanna get married" and now I've woken up this morning, I truly do not know if I want to.
This right here, to me, is the key that would tell me you do need to leave. At least, if everything else is as you've said it is.

The friend I mentioned is this way with her fiancÚ. He'll make her feel awful about herself, intentionally drag out her suffering for no decent reason, then come in and apologize, and she goes right back to him every time. Whatever your flaws, this man is behaving in a way that he knows upsets you and you said he has no desire of helping himself be better. Being angry and hurting you, then apologizing and convincing you things can be better, only to make no effort for them to be and repeat is a cycle of emotional abuse, as I see it. Nothing about what you describe is healthy in my eyes.

As with everyone else, you have to take what I say and see how it might and might not apply to your situation in the details we do no know, but from what you have said, this is my take. I wish you the best of luck.
loosie, JCnGrace and SueC like this.

Don't judge someone's horse or skill because they don't compete or work with a trainer.

Sometimes they're the most in tune with each other.
BlindHorseEnthusiast4582 is offline  
post #27 of 69 Old 01-01-2019, 05:38 PM
Super Moderator
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 19,462
• Horses: 0
Sounds like you know what you need to do OP, just afraid - understandably. As for the financial side, be it due to a boss or a relationship, every woman should have a... pluck off fund so we don't have to feel stuck in a situation. Won't help you now but do yourself a favor for the future!
Celeste, JCnGrace, SueC and 2 others like this.

Some info I've found helpful; [COLOR=Lime][B]www.horseforum.com/horse-health/hoof-lameness-info-horse-owners-89836/
For taking critique pics; [COLOR=Lime][B]https://www.horseforum.com/members/41...res-128437.jpg
loosie is offline  
post #28 of 69 Old 01-01-2019, 05:46 PM
Green Broke
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North Atlanta metro
Posts: 4,351
• Horses: 0
"This is my bad for leaving out an important detail. When we got together, we agreed to be polyamorous. We agreed monogamy wasn't for us. He has had a few side ladies over the years that didn't stick around for various reasons."

Now that casts a whole different light. He knew what the rules were and decided to play. Now it sounds like he doesn't like it when it's your turn. It doesn't sound like he is up for this kinda deal after all. Either way it's time to part ways. Sorry if I sound so blunt.

While I certainly believe you are entitled to the lifestyle you want. Its a road that has some built in pitfalls.
COWCHICK77, Celeste, boots and 2 others like this.
aubie is offline  
post #29 of 69 Old 01-01-2019, 06:22 PM
Showing
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Cariboo, British Columbia
Posts: 13,406
• Horses: 3
You are engaged? Keep in mind what is happening now is the best as it gets. The engagement is the fantasy period, then things get real. If you don't like what's happening now, hang on for worse.

I am not here to promote anythingNo, that's not true, I am here to promote everything equestrian and everyone enjoying horses!
waresbear is offline  
post #30 of 69 Old 01-01-2019, 06:51 PM
Trained
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,463
• Horses: 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by waresbear View Post
You are engaged? Keep in mind what is happening now is the best as it gets. The engagement is the fantasy period, then things get real. If you don't like what's happening now, hang on for worse.
THIS. It will be a lot worse when you are married. Especially given that you already know he won't go for therapy, which would have been your only chance to salvage something out of this relationship.

If you're not ready to leave him, fine. But don't get married just yet. There are too many question marks. And go to therapy for yourself, to make sure you are solid enough to make good decisions.
AnitaAnne, Celeste, boots and 2 others like this.
Acadianartist is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the The Horse Forum forums, you must first register.

Already have a Horse Forum account?
Members are allowed only one account per person at the Horse Forum, so if you've made an account here in the past you'll need to continue using that account. Please do not create a new account or you may lose access to the Horse Forum. If you need help recovering your existing account, please Contact Us. We'll be glad to help!

New to the Horse Forum?
Please choose a username you will be satisfied with using for the duration of your membership at the Horse Forum. We do not change members' usernames upon request because that would make it difficult for everyone to keep track of who is who on the forum. For that reason, please do not incorporate your horse's name into your username so that you are not stuck with a username related to a horse you may no longer have some day, or use any other username you may no longer identify with or care for in the future.



User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Old Thread Warning
This thread is more than 90 days old. When a thread is this old, it is often better to start a new thread rather than post to it. However, If you feel you have something of value to add to this particular thread, you can do so by checking the box below before submitting your post.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Is there an app for this forum? or a forum app that this forum may be on? CandyCowgirl Horse Forum Support Help Desk 4 03-09-2012 07:27 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome