Venting - I'm pretty crushed right now - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 16 Old 04-30-2020, 09:03 PM Thread Starter
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Venting - I'm pretty crushed right now

I really need to vent tonight. Needing a hug pretty terribly.

2 months ago my boyfriend and I moved to his mom's farm.

We lived here a couple years ago for a while, but his mom started to resent us for not doing enough around the house. Which I fully admit, we really didn't. So because we were miserable living with her, we moved out to a small basement suite in the city. It was cramped and the landlord sucked and we were..well, miserable there too.
We lived there for about a year and as that went on, my depression worsened and I needed to get back out to the farm where I could have animals and fresh air again. So we asked his mom and she had been wanting us back, too. So we did.

Like I said it's been 2 months. Things were going wonderfully. I bought a horse, I have chickens and I was getting up at 7 instead of noon or later. It felt amazing. And then I twisted my knee, and I can't walk on it, and I can't do my chores like I was. I've been going out to help but it's not enough and my boyfriend's mom has grown to resent the both of us. She claims we do nothing. That there's stuff lying around. That I should be out there anyways feeding the animals which I understand, honestly I do but I literally can't walk. I can't get to the bathroom without a huge struggle and no one feels worse about it than I do. I've been trying to help out with chores as much as I can but I know I'm making my knee worse by doing it.

I want to mention that she has not spoken to us for almost 2 weeks now and FINALLY I brought it up because she sure as hell wasn't. And that's when she exploded on us and told us why she's angry. If she had just brought it up when it first started upsetting her it wouldn't have been a problem. We could have talked about it and figured things out. But now she hates us and told me that we're more than welcome to move back out. And that broke my heart.

I feel like my relationship is going to fall apart and everything else. I mean, I have to sell all my animals so that we can move out. I have to find a place that we can afford even though neither of us have jobs due to covid.

I don't really know why I'm posting this on here but I just needed to vent about this so badly.
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post #2 of 16 Old 04-30-2020, 09:14 PM
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Once everyone has had a chance to cool off, could you have a conversation with all of you to discuss expectations and where you can all improve?

Are there chores that you CAN realistically be doing with your twisted knee? Inside chores like cleaning and cooking and laundry and that sort of stuff?

Where is your boyfriend in all this? Presumably he has not twisted his knee. Can he not take over the animals' care and any of the heavier lifting?

You admitted that you guys didn't pull your weight last time. Are you now? Is he now? If his mother is being overly resentful based on the current situation, remember that you guys dropped the ball badly last time, so she's understandably carrying resentment forward from that -- whether it's right or wrong in the current situation.

Cool off and see if you can have a conversation where you all realistically lay out expectations, responsibilities, and realities. It sounds like you're already envisioning a worst case scenario, so what is there to lose by trying?
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post #3 of 16 Old 04-30-2020, 09:15 PM
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I'm really sorry to hear that. Does she understand that you are physically unable to keep up with her expectations? Have you discussed with her creating a temporary compromise of you doing indoor/less strenuous chores while your boyfriend or other person does outdoor/more strenuous chores, just until you start healing?
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post #4 of 16 Old 04-30-2020, 09:47 PM
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I'm going to be super blunt, please forgive. This relationship has no future. none. if your boyfriend cannot speak up for you to his own mother, this will never change. you will always be angry and disappointed by him.


take this opportunity to leave him and his mother. the price you pay now will be MUCH cheaper than what you will pay 5, 10, 15 years from now.


really.
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post #5 of 16 Old 04-30-2020, 09:55 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SteadyOn View Post
Once everyone has had a chance to cool off, could you have a conversation with all of you to discuss expectations and where you can all improve?

Are there chores that you CAN realistically be doing with your twisted knee? Inside chores like cleaning and cooking and laundry and that sort of stuff?

Where is your boyfriend in all this? Presumably he has not twisted his knee. Can he not take over the animals' care and any of the heavier lifting?

You admitted that you guys didn't pull your weight last time. Are you now? Is he now? If his mother is being overly resentful based on the current situation, remember that you guys dropped the ball badly last time, so she's understandably carrying resentment forward from that -- whether it's right or wrong in the current situation.

Cool off and see if you can have a conversation where you all realistically lay out expectations, responsibilities, and realities. It sounds like you're already envisioning a worst case scenario, so what is there to lose by trying?

I'd like to try to have another conversation if possible, but this first one I tried very hard to bring it up gently. I'd been doing the dishes and trying to clean up when I can. I clean the eggs that are brought in as well as other chores, when I can. My boyfriend admittedly doesn't do a lot. He plans to do a lot, gets distracted and has a very "I don't feel like it anymore so I just won't" attitude. But he still does things when they need to be done. He feeds the animals when his mom is at work and can't, but I'm getting the idea that she thinks he should be doing it all the time.

As for pulling our weight, before I hurt my knee we absolutely were. I was outside working most of the day and I was up all night helping with lambs being born. When the knee got hurt, I had to stop doing that. But I've only stopped the things that hurt too much to do. It hurts to stand but I get a chair for things like dishes and cleaning out the fridge. I didn't just completely give up, y'know? And that's what she thinks. I've tried to look at it through her eyes but it just doesn't make sense to me. She has this idea in her head that we're doing absolutely nothing, and refuses to see that we're trying.

(Sorry for so much text and sorry if it's a little bit all over the place. Thank you for the reply)
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post #6 of 16 Old 04-30-2020, 09:57 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Aprilswissmiss View Post
I'm really sorry to hear that. Does she understand that you are physically unable to keep up with her expectations? Have you discussed with her creating a temporary compromise of you doing indoor/less strenuous chores while your boyfriend or other person does outdoor/more strenuous chores, just until you start healing?
I've tried to talk to her and she just goes ahead and agrees until she gets angry about it, proceeds to let it fester for a week or two and then explodes because we didn't do what she wanted even though she didn't say anything about it until it was too late.

My horse stepped on her foot and I think that was what started all of this. She got hurt and was limping but she still went outside. She compares her injury to mine. Hers is bruising, mine needs surgery. But that doesn't matter to her. But All I can do is keep trying to make things better.
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post #7 of 16 Old 04-30-2020, 09:59 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by tinyliny View Post
I'm going to be super blunt, please forgive. This relationship has no future. none. if your boyfriend cannot speak up for you to his own mother, this will never change. you will always be angry and disappointed by him.

take this opportunity to leave him and his mother. the price you pay now will be MUCH cheaper than what you will pay 5, 10, 15 years from now.

really.
He does actually speak up for me. He did tonight, that's for sure.
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post #8 of 16 Old 04-30-2020, 10:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tinyliny View Post
I'm going to be super blunt, please forgive. This relationship has no future. none. if your boyfriend cannot speak up for you to his own mother, this will never change. you will always be angry and disappointed by him.


take this opportunity to leave him and his mother. the price you pay now will be MUCH cheaper than what you will pay 5, 10, 15 years from now.


really.
I don't necessarily disagree with you about the relationship part - but I will say, there is a balance of pros and cons with everything. Sometimes the pros just slightly outweigh the cons, even if the cons are huge, just because you have to take what you can get at certain points in life.

OP, I also live with my boyfriend and his family. I will say that the overall family relationship/dynamic sounds a lot more positive than your unfortunate circumstances. However, it's not my favorite living situation, living with six other people, four of which are 20/21 year olds (boyfriend is one of triplets, plus one slightly older brother) that love to get into yelling matches over stupid things at all hours of every day. Then his parents get upset with introverted me because I don't spend enough daily "quality family time" with them, since I'm almost always out of the house for work/school/stable (in my opinion, very justified and productive reasons for not spending every single day with them, and I also do it to avoid the yelling matches). But it saves me from spending over a thousand on rent each month, which I can put directly into saving for vet school instead, so it's a downside I take in stride for the positive.
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post #9 of 16 Old 04-30-2020, 10:07 PM
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Originally Posted by SomeBunny View Post
I've tried to talk to her and she just goes ahead and agrees until she gets angry about it, proceeds to let it fester for a week or two and then explodes because we didn't do what she wanted even though she didn't say anything about it until it was too late.

My horse stepped on her foot and I think that was what started all of this. She got hurt and was limping but she still went outside. She compares her injury to mine. Hers is bruising, mine needs surgery. But that doesn't matter to her. But All I can do is keep trying to make things better.
Maybe you can address this before she has the opportunity to let it fester. Every day, at least once, just drop by and ask "Hey, is there anything I could help with?" and if she asks for something you're physically incapable of doing, just say "Well, I don't think I can because of my injury, is there anything else I can help with like x y or z?" Daily communication can make a huge difference in people's perspectives of you, both professionally and personally.
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post #10 of 16 Old 05-01-2020, 03:40 AM
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So, basically, she is now working for three people. I would be angry as well. This really isnít on your mother in-law. It is firmly in your lazy boyfriends corner. And yours.

Look at it from her perspective. He is a lazy person and he brought another person who brought her animals as well so she now needs to scramble after two people and their animals. Your boyfriend doesnít need to stand up for you because she has every right to be angry. He should have taken over ALL of your chores without being told to. As people say in relationship forums - you donít have a mother in law problem, you have a boyfriend problem - and it is a very serious one. Do you want to live with an unreliable and lazy person for the rest of your life? What about having children with this man? How do you think that will turn out?

I understand that you are in a very difficult position at the moment. You have to think of steps to get out. Your animals need to be sold. You have to get your boyfriend to do his chores so that his mother doesnít throw you out. Do you have family that would take you in while you recover your mobility? Think very long and hard about this moment in life, how you got yourself in to it and what you need to do to get your life in order. The decisions you make now could affect you for the rest of your life.

Also, you are not blameless in this. You bought animals even though your life is not even close to being ordered and financially stable. How were you going to provide for your animals if your mother in law threw you out? What exactly was your plan? Did you have a plan and if not, why not?

Iím sorry, I understand that you are young and people make mistakes - but you need to hear these things and learn from your mistakes otherwise your life will be fraught with self-made catastrophic events all the time. Because this is a self-made situation. You chose a lazy and unreliable boyfriend. You chose to live in precarious housing. You bought animals you had no business buying. You chose to put a band aid on you mental health instead of tackling it the right way (with medical intervention, not an untenable living situation - with animals on top).

I am sorry if I hurt you while you are down but the only way forward is to get your act together. Otherwise you will be a victim of circumstances and other people for the rest of your life. And ultimately, you are the only one who can fix your life. I truly wish you all the best.
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