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Would you ever date someone...

2K views 20 replies 16 participants last post by  Remali 
#1 ·
...you're don't find physically attractive?

I'm friends with a guy who I absolutely adore. He's got all the traits anybody would want in a boyfriend and is a genuinely kind and thoughtful friend too. I know he has liked me since we first met and asked me to date him then, but I refused and we have stayed good friends. Some days I wonder if I'm not making the right choice?

He's perfect, but I have zero physical attraction towards him. I'm not proud at all of being so shallow, and would never myself want to be turned down simply on my appearance, but you can't force your brain to find someone desirable or not. Or can you? Does that come after a while or will it never happen if it's not there in the beginning? In 10 or 15 years we're not going to look the same anyways and looks aren't going to count for anything. My ex boyfriend was a guy I found really good looking but was boring and had no brains in his head. So I know your looks mean nothing and I've always been the first person to say it, but when it comes to actually being with someone that doesn't fire up that spark in you...would you?
 
#2 ·
General thoughts and some from a male perspective that may help. No particular order with some admitted generalities and assumptions that may not apply directly to you.

I don't know where to start. I know the female posters as usual will come with great responses.

He knows. He knows he is not attractive. He knows that is the reason yall are not dating. This isn't the first time it's happened to him. When dealing with his feelings keep this in mind.

Your problem is not unique or uncommon. Happens all the time unfortunately.

Usually what happens is the girl comes back to him in the 10-15 years after she has had failed marriage, relationships, and or kids with hot guys and she wants good guy now.

I may be going against the grain here. While I believe in relationships honesty is important 99 percent of the time, this is the 1 percent. Don't let him know this is the reason. If you have in the past then just stay friends and move on.
 
#3 ·
I have a different perspective on dating than most of the folks I know or have known. You're just DATING, not getting married. Date him, have a great time, let him know from the jump that you are dating as friends and not looking to hook up WITH ANYONE. Just go enjoy yourselves doing whatever you enjoy doing. If it's meant to be, it will happen over time. Being good friends is the best foundation for any further relationships. I would also let him know, that as we're friends, I would not be exclusive to him only (unless you want to be). If he's good with all that, go have fun and don't sweat the forever stuff, it's way too soon for that.
 
#4 ·
First of all, in my opinion, friendship is one of the most important things in a relationship. I can truly say my husband is my best friend. In fact, we were friends first. We went to high school together and after high school we should meet up at the local hang out (in our county it was taco bell). And we'd go to the same parties and always find each other and hang out.

Our relationship just kind of happened. One day we just weren't friends anymore, we were so much more.

And over the years he has gone from ok looking, to cute, to good looking, to just down right sexy. So you are right, in 10 years your guy won't look the same. And if you fall in love, then he will get better and better looking.

As for should you date? I don't know, it's scary. But maybe you spend more time together and do things that couples would do and see where it go's. Don't rush it, don't force it... just see if it happens.
 
#5 ·
Having just went through this;

I met a fella four years ago, became best friends with him for three years and realized he was everything I would ever want in a man. He hunted, fished, drug my sorry **** around when I was intoxicated; he didn't like horses but would still watch me ride because it made me happy. We'd go camping and go on cross country drives. He wasn't pushy or trying to get in my personal space all the time. He would plow the snow out of my family's driveway for free, help my father cut wood. Amazing guy.

We started going on dates, and I realized that he fell in love with me. He was shelling out ridiculous amounts of cash on extravagant dates trying to take it further, even when I wanted a simple get together. I had zero physical attraction toward him and it broke my heart that he tried so hard. It got to the point where I had to completely cut him off because I felt so bad. He was spending all his time and money on something that wouldn't go anywhere, and ignoring me when I told him we were just friends. I broke his heart that day, but it was better than using him.

Even now, my mother still talks about him and how I made a huge mistake, but when I explained to her that I didn't want to take advantage of him, or suck him dry, that I had to cut ties because of that, she understood. I miss him. I do, but I could not develop a physical attraction to him no matter how hard I tried, and that's half the relationship.
 
#6 ·
Thanks everyone for your opinions.

I've never told him this was the reason I didn't want to date (nor ever would) and truly at the time, it wasn't the main reason. I had other things going on and wasn't ready.

I have thought about just trying and seeing where it goes, but I know that if I don't end up developing feelings for him it would end up like you said, Whattatroublemaker. I can tell you he is the type of person that would devote his entire heart and soul to a relationship. Not only that, but I would be his first girlfriend so that adds a whole extra layer. I broke the heart of someone I cared very much about in the past and I never ever want to do that to a person again. For me to gamble with his feelings would be completely unfair and cruel.

I've been stalling our friendship because I know how it works - you start getting closer as friends and then one person develops feelings the other doesn't share. I don't want to lead him on at all when I know he already likes me. But, like I said before, he seems perfect and I wish there was a way to try...without destroying the other person emotionally if things don't work out.
 
#10 ·
Many years ago, when I was in my teens, I and the girl who worked with me would date many different boys. We were in a tourist area and finding new friends was very easy. She kept notes of points earned them having a car was top marks!

One day Jane, who had had the day off, said she had been talking to two foreign guys and had arranged to meet them that evening. She was gushing over the one she had chosen. When I asked what mine was like she was very non comimital so I knew he was nothing much. Well that nothing much turned out to be a cross between Herman Munster and a skeleton walking. Not really true, he made Herman Munster look like Brad Pitt!

As we always stuck together on these dates I went along. This lad, all 6'6" of him was a great character. He had a wicked sense of humour and despite his looks we really hit it off. We went out with them several times always hurting from laughing so much. When they were moving on, having every intention of travelling through as much of Europe as they could, we said we would keep in touch. Back then that meant letter writing and I honestly thought I would never hear from him again but I got regular post cards from various cities all across Europe.

I really liked the guy and learned that he was terminally ill and he returned home to Holland weeks before he finally passed. He wrote me a letter saying how much he appreciated the way I had not taken his poor appearance and accepted him for the person he was. He was only 23 when he died, way to young, but I was always glad that despite me having no physical attraction to him, a few kisses died no harm.

Looks are a minor part of a relationship, friendship is way more important.
 
#11 ·
looks ARE a minor part of a relationship, however, if you cannot feel any sort of sexual attraction to your partner, it probably cannot work in the long run, even if you have every respect for their personality. that's what makes a friendship different from dating; sex and / or the potential for it and all that comes with it, like families, etc.

you can have a relationship that is a partnership, without EVER having sex. but, if it's part of your human needs, then you cannot discout it .

I agree with @aubie, don't need to hurt the fellow's feelings with honesty. there will, however, come a time where you should make it utterly clear you have no intention of being other than a friend, so that HE has the freedom to look elsewhere.
 
#12 ·
I agree with having to be attracted to someone but just because you are not attracted doesn't mean that someone is not attractive.

My oldest niece was friends with her now boyfriend for quite a while and they have been together now for quite a few years. He has his flaws but they are very minor. All in all, he's a great guy and treats her like a queen. Honestly, I would have never thought he would have been the one she would fall in love with but they mesh together perfectly. She is tall, beautiful, kind of exotic looking, kind, sharing, flits around the world like a butterfly and needs her space sometimes. He is kind of short, a little pudgy, has this crazy hair, has beautiful kind eyes, is very grounded, and needs his space sometimes.

I would remain friends with this guy, maybe one day you will feel for this guy the same as he feels for you or maybe not. Either way, you have a great friend.
 
#14 ·
I find that physical attraction has the ability to grow with love.
My ex boyfriend is not an attractive man. I knew that before we got together. But as my feelings grew so did my attraction and I remember eventually thinking he was even sexy.
Now like a year later I look at pictures of him and once again I no longer find him attractive. Funny how that works lol
 
#15 ·
My husband gets hotter and hotter everyday... Even though his belly is growing and his hair is graying and today he's sporting a black eye because my kid hit him with a baseball! (teehee)... He's still super cute.
 
#16 ·
I'm a man but nope. That's what friends are for. They can be the nicest most awesome person in the world, that doesn't mean dating them is a good idea without physical attraction. It's not being "shallow", it's just being realistic and knowing what the point of a relationship is. If you're asexual it's another story, then I imagine there's no need for physical attraction.
 
#17 ·
You're not being shallow. If you're not attracted to someone, it's not the end of the world or your 'fault'. You can't force attraction.
That's awesome he seems like a great guy, but staying friends is probably best. If things happen, they happen, but either way let him know you're not looking for anything. :) Anything can happen.

If I'm personally not attracted to someone, I won't force myself to be. Either I am or I'm not.
I've gone on dates with guys I wasn't that attracted to, and they actually turned out to be jerks just like the 'hotter' guys I've dated. It really depends.
 
#18 ·
According to Micky Gilley...well, the girls all get prettier at closing time....


One...two...one, two, three, go...

Don't the girls all get prettier at closing time
Don't they all begin to look like movie stars
Don't the girls all get prettier at closing time
When the change starts takin' place
It puts a glow on every face
Of the fallen angels of the backstreet bars

If I could rate 'em on a scale from one to ten
I'm lookin' for a nine, but eight could work right in
A few more drinks and I might slip to five or even four
But when tomorrow mornin' comes
And I wake up with a number one
I swear I'll never do it anymore

Don't the girls all get prettier at closing time
Don't they all begin to look like movie stars
Don't the girls all get prettier at closing time
When the change starts takin' place
It puts a glow on every face
Of the fallen angels of the backstreet bars

Hey, hey, hey...

I don't mean to criticize the girls at all
'Cause I know Robert Redford even overhauled
But we all picture in our minds a girl that looks just right, ha ha ha ha...
Now ain't it funny, ain't it strange
The way a man's opinions change
When he starts to face that mornin' light

Don't the girls all get prettier at closing time
Don't they all begin to look like movie stars
Don't the girls all get prettier at closing time
When the change starts takin' place
It puts a glow on every face
Of the fallen angels of the backstreet bars, oh...

The fallen angels of those backstreet bars
 
#19 ·
I will say that this is not shallow, as it appears on the surface. That sounds like insanity and flying in the face of “conventional” wisdom, but hear me out.

Appearances do matter, and if you are just not attracted to someone, you can’t force yourself to be attracted to them. Attraction also goes hand-in-hand with another important aspect of relationships: physical intimacy. If you do not feel like this is a person you want to be intimate with, or could be happily intimate with, even after knowing them and being near them and all of their wonderful traits, then don’t get into a relationship with them. Sometimes getting to know somebody better means that attraction grows stronger when you enjoy being with them. Sometimes, it doesn’t.

@aubie, I know where you are coming from, but that logic treads dangerously close to “Nice Guy™” territory. It also makes assumptions that attractive men are all jerks, whereas men who are not conventionally attractive are nicer mates. Nothing could be further from the truth – I have been in nerdy social circles almost my entire adult life, and I can tell you that a less-attractive man can be just as bad (if not sometimes worse) than a conventionally attractive man. For many, it’s not a physical attraction issue, but a mental one – I have seen a lot of bad attitudes, entitlement issues, and boundary weirdness from my own adventures in dating.

I’ve also seen less-attractive men who never had issues dating because they are fun to be around, treat others well, and don’t hesitate to ask a woman out if they would like to get to know her better. They don’t sneak, they don’t feel entitled to a woman’s attention just because they were nice (uh, that’s what you’re SUPPOSED to do), and they don’t treat women like a vending machine that you deposit Niceness Points into to get physical intimacy.

For the OP, date someone who you are both attracted to and whose company and mind you enjoy. Don’t be tempted to force it and make yourself miserable by being with someone you don’t want to touch or be touched by just because you get along.
 
#20 ·
Firstly, I think it's important to remember that it's never ok to dictate what defines a relationship (platonic or romantic) for someone else. Just because it's not the way you (generic you) conduct your own life doesn't mean it aligns with how someone else functions.
Just something to keep in mind.

For myself?
I would not date someone I'm not attracted to.
But, again, I'm not sure that's something we can define for you. You have decide what's most important moving forward.
 
#21 ·
It's a tough situation to be in, been there myself once, he was the sweetest man, we had so much fun hanging out together, but I was not attracted to him "that way", we remained friends, continued to go biking and hiking, and he eventually met the real woman of his dreams, and I am so happy for him.

Oh gunslinger... so funny! I loved Micky Gilley!
 
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