2018 Horse Talk for Mature People over 40 - Page 38 - The Horse Forum
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post #371 of 2376 Old 06-17-2018, 10:11 PM
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 7,067
• Horses: 3
Originally Posted by SwissMiss View Post
Will multiple short posts work?

You know, we need to get to 1000 pages again asap ;)

I'll help. ;) Here's a re-post you might find interesting, on riding Trotter breeds, from this place:

Why I Gotta Trot

I'm just going back to the topic of encouraging hindquarter engagement in young riding horses, doing a bit of thought-sharing. I'd previously said that all the harness-started Standardbred and /or Trotter breed horses (or crosses of these) I've personally ridden have never been lacking in that department. If they don't engage their hindquarters, they can't do what they do in harness. And that I've often thought that it's an advantage for them to have had so much athletic work before ever being asked to carry anything on their backs. They're already strong, fit and know how to move, before being asked to bear weight.

You've all seen this photo of the French mare:

Her hindquarters here are already starting to drop, and her hind leg is starting to swing very wide, and the tail going up like a flag, and she's not even trotting properly yet - but she's totally planning to, and soon! I have very few riding photos from my childhood; it never really occurred to my parents to take photographs of what I was doing. They did have several cameras, and had lots and lots of photos of what they were doing (there are literally hundreds of my father jogging or fast-working horses around a track, or racing with them), so most of the photos of horses and me from childhood were taken by third parties (in this case actually my brother, who had a camera and liked to tinker), or the occasional one under duress from them if I made a big song and dance about it.

So I don't have a photo of doing a flying trot on that mare, but have found some photos of a French trotter with similar action to hers to give you guys an idea:

I am totally not a fan of the fixed headcheck in harness racing horses; French Trotter Ourasi here is wearing one and unfortunately this means he has a very restricted head carriage, like that particular dressage horse @bsms posted on his thread earlier; obviously restricted in different ways, but both very restricted. If you must use a headcheck in harness racing, the running headcheck is much safer (imagine falling with your head tied up like that, and I've seen race falls many times - the horses can't balance themselves to help break their falls when the head is tied rigidly, by the back of the bridle and frequently via a really narrow additional overcheck bit, to the top of the driving saddle). With a running headcheck, the reins themselves go through rings to raise the rein angle upwards; sort of like a running martingale but with opposite action.

It's a great photo of the flying-trotting action though, with the enormous reach of the hind leg stepping far under the horse, and the amazing engagement of shoulders and hindquarters - these horses are truly 4WD racers. It's a really really stable trot to ride, like floating along on a turbo-charged cloud.

Same horse in the paddock:

With his trainer:

And on his 31st birthday:

When you ride that trot mounted, at top speed it looks like this:

Well, when race jockeys do this; obviously I ride in a different position, and with that kind of trot on that mare I was posting it and leaning slightly forward. The above photo is of Standardbreds in a mounted trotting race; they have a slightly different action. The old-fashioned French Trotter, like Dame du Buisson was (the breed has been much diluted by loads of Standardbred blood in the past three decades, which I think is a shame, because the real French Trotter was such a distinctive horse) - the action at the flying trot involved really dropping the hindquarters, flying the tail high, going very base-wide at the rear. Great fun to ride, and addictive. You ride with other breeds and the others start to gallop, and your horse just goes whooosh and trots with huge, effortless ground-eating strides. And of course they can canter and gallop, and do advanced dressage like @Fimargue 's example, and they are great jumpers, and smart, and adventurous, and sure-footed, and about as unflappable as a horse can get.

Here's Albatross, grandfather of both Sunsmart and Julian:

This is a pacer line Standardbred, so he's not trotting in this photo - although many good pacers are also good trotters. Julian is a natural pacer (i.e. it was in his natural repertoire in the paddock from the time he was little - and he's not related to Dame du Buisson) - but he's also a fabulous trotter. Here's Julian pacing when he was training on track:

Dame du Buisson was a real pure-trotter breed horse, and Sunsmart inherited this trait and much to my father's frustration, would never learn to pace. But what a trotter! At a time when there were no trotting gait harness races in Western Australia. Sunsmart carries himself more like Albatross though, he doesn't drop his rear end down like his great-grandmother (although his mother did). And even in his first year of saddle re-education, which is a completely different sort of frame, he was always so, so comfortable to ride when trotting; it's like sliding along frictionless on glass.

He flies his tail just like his great-grandmother did, if you compare it to the first photo - even though his tailset is a little lower.

Like every off-track harness horse, he had to get used to the idea that his head would no longer be forced upwards when he was running, and his head carriage was coming along nicely considering he still had much of his initially upside-down neck (post-racing) here. He's leaning very very softly on the bit here (harness horses seek contact with the reins), and he's lip-flapping with his bottom lip, which he always does when he's relaxed or up to something or wants more carrots. It makes hilarious sounds when he does it in extremis - flub, flub, flub, flub, flub! I'm letting him find his own balance, and keeping contact really really light.

You can kind of see his neck here, taken on the same day:

His neck development 9 years later is really interesting:

I think it's been really informative for my own horsey education to re-educate a horse that came from a completely different discipline. I also really love riding engaged, forward horses.

SueC is time travelling.
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post #372 of 2376 Old 06-18-2018, 10:41 AM
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 756
• Horses: 2
@phantomhorse13 Glad to see you're getting some riding time in even though your guys are down. Is George feeling better?

Home from one VERY HOT ride! It was the farthest Minnesota ride from us, 3 hours and 40 minutes in good traffic but on Friday afternoon having to drive through Minneapolis it was more like 5 hours. We drove through several storms on the way out and had a ton of trouble finding a gas station we could fit into to fill up. Halfway there I realized I hadn't eaten any lunch so thankfully we found a Taco Bell we could pull the big rig into. We have such a problem at gas stations since we have a gas 3/4 ton truck and the only pumps that are set up for big rigs are diesel. I wish they would put one gas pump over by the diesels.... Anyway, we left the house at noon and by the time we got to camp it was 6:15. This was our first Saturday ride so I was worried about getting set up and vetting in with getting there so late but my friend had arrived earlier and said the vets weren't even coming until 6:00. We had been warned the rangers at this park were some of the strictest and luckily I was able to get a campsite last minute. My friend Emily and I have shared sites at every ride so far since she camps in a tent and has a 2 horse straight load we fit both of us in pretty well but I was told this park doesn't allow sharing. Thankfully I was able to find a spot right down from her. This park has a huge horse campground with over 45 sites. Unfortunately neither of us were able to get one of the 20 electric sites but we did bring along DH's early birthday present generator which was VERY handy. Our trailer doesn't have A/C unfortunately but is wired for it and after this weekend we are buying a unit. We pulled into our site at 6:20, unloaded the horses, set up their hay, and I went to register us while DH put the dogs out on their tie out. I got our vet sheets and we were told we had to vet in by 7:00 if we wanted to vet in that night so we grabbed our horses and ran over. My friend was worried because her Tennessee walker got a body score of 4 but after we vetted in and Stitch also got a 4 we realized it was probably just the vets there.... We went to ride meeting (and got thoroughly confused!) and were told about the 18 mile first loop and the 7 water crossings before heading back to our camp site to make some dinner. It was too hot to start a camp fire so we grilled hot dogs on Emily's little grill. Our good friend from WI was at the site next to us so she came over and hung out before we went to bed. Our trailer was SOOOO warm. DH went to go sleep outside in the grass because he couldn't cool down. Of course Molly and Lucy had to snuggle with me and they woke me up several times because they were panting like crazy because they had gotten too warm but they refused to leave the bed.

They had both the LD and the 50 Endurance starting at 7:00 am on Saturday. I got up around 5:15 and started running around like crazy trying to get everything ready. I was finally able to pull DH out of bed at 6:15 (he's not a morning person) to help me tack up and fill saddle packs. We still didn't manage to leave camp until 7:07 to get on the trail. We headed out through the woods, thankfully 95% of the ride was through woods so it was slightly cooler than out in the sun. It was incredibly humid, at every water crossing there was fog over the water from the humidity, even until afternoon. The second water crossing was in very fast moving water but thankfully Stitch had no problem hopping in. Chico and Major (Emily's horse) had a little more trouble but happily followed Stitch. We thought we were the last people out but a girl wanting to do a slow 50 caught up with us right before the historic town portion of the ride where you ride down the street of the old town the park is named after. We rode with her for awhile until we realized how much she was walking and started to worry about our time. We headed out the out and back by ourselves again but we had lost a bit of time from riding with her. The only downside to the whole ride being through thick woods was that there was not a lot of grass for the horses to take bites of so anytime there was grass we had to stop and let them eat a little. DH realized his shoe was untied so when we found a big opening he hopped off to fix it. While we were there a group of kids who were camping nearby saw the horses and ran over to talk to us. They were telling us all about how they had never seen horses in real life before when I noticed Chico was walking off up the hill. Stitch and I ran after him and I was thankfully able to grab his reins and get him back to DH. We reached the password at the end of the out and back (thankfully some riders that had passed us told us that was the turn around spot even though it wasn't marked as such) and turned back. We got back to camp fairly uneventfully and pulsed down quickly. I had forgotten to attach my sponge to my saddle so I kept filling up a water bottle at the water crossings and dumping it on Stitch's neck. I was worried about her handling the heat since she's so stocky but she seemed to be doing great despite being covered in sweat. Our 50 minute hold went very quickly since we had to do our vet check at the end (MN usually does entry CRI vet checks but they decided to switch it up for this ride). Stitch vetted in with all A's and the vets told us she looked better than all of the Arab's out!!! Chico also vetted out well and we hopped back on and searched for Emily. We saw her go into the vetting but she wasn't there and she wasn't at her trailer. We knew we only had 1 hour and 30 minutes to do the last loop so we had to get on her way and hoped she had already gone out and we would catch her. Chico (who had been leading the whole ride) was slowing down and was confused that we had to go back out since he had only done 1 loop intro/novice rides so far. Stitch wasn't thrilled about leading since she had resigned herself to following all day (she likes leading but has to start out in the lead) so we took turns leading to try to encourage the other horse on. We got through the fast water crossing and over a bridge with a little fight (thankfully Chico was less worried about it and led the way). We got to the 2 mile marker with 30 minutes before we had to be pulsed down and started to worry. We thought we were really close to camp when some 50 milers on their 3rd loop passed us and told us we still had several miles to go. Luckily we realized they were on a different path then us and we were much closer. A large group of 6 or 7 juniors and their mentor caught up with us on the last half mile so Stitch and Chico had incentive to follow them. We got into camp at 12:51 and started dumping buckets of water on the horses. Chico pulsed down to 12 (or 48) right away but Stitch was stuck at 17 because she was stomping at flies and calling to everyone in camp. The pulse taker stood with us and helped me get her head down and we got down to 15 (or 60) at 12:55!!!! They both passed the final vet check with flying colors and Emily came up and told us she had pulled Major at the vet in because he had huge swollen girth galls. We got Chico and Stitch back to our trailer and eating, Emily gave us cold drinks and helped us get our stuff back to the trailer. Some lunch and a cold shower later we finally started feeling better. Stitch and Chico seemed pretty unfazed and happily munched their grain. We went to potluck and learned that there were 20 people who started the LD and 12 finished (7 lameness pulls and Emily's rider option for Major's girth galls) and I was the last person who finished on time and I was 9th meaning 3 of the 12 finishers didn't complete due to overtime. 9 started the 50 and I believe 5 completed and the last 3 pulsed down with one minute to spare while the volunteers poured ice on their horses. I was soooooooo proud of Stitch and Chico for finishing such a hard ride! We had a nice bonfire with a few of our friends (all Green Beans like us) and went to bed happy.

Sunday we packed up and headed home. Stitch and Chico ran out into the pasture and rolled immediately then set off chasing their buddies. I got some laundry done, we went to DH's parents to pick up the dogs and got to eat their leftover fajitas they made for Father's Day Dinner and got to see 2 of his sisters and our nephew for a little while.

Now for the pictures thanks to our amazing ride photographer Bob Zimmerman who does this for free (his wife rides LD's on her Paso Fino).
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post #373 of 2376 Old 06-18-2018, 03:25 PM
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: NE Pa
Posts: 6,473
• Horses: 6
@LlamaPacker : I think you will be just fine on HF not being anonymous. I have actually had the pleasure of meeting several HFers irl and so far not a one has been dangerous - though some do accuse me of carrying the very-contagious distance bug, which I am thrilled to see I am spreading!

@SueC : I have never ridden a French Trotter, but I have ridden racing Standies and it is unreal!

@QueenofFrance08 : you are very brave to eat at a Toxic Hell on the way to a distance ride!! I am glad your generator helped you out and I bet you can't wait for the AC unit. good that you had so many water crossings to help keep everyone cool. interesting that your hold vetting was at the end - that would make time management very confusing I would think. what did you think of it being that way versus in the start of the hold? congrats on being top 10 and turtle!! fantastic pics.

Sunday, I got some weeding done and then DH and I hid inside and worked on the laundry room. The weather went from lovely to summer in Texas, with real feels in the triple digits. The flowers seem to be loving it though!

I have ditch lilies blooming:

The lump is also out of control - I keep telling Keith the fertilizer he gave me must be radioactive. The hostas are flowering and the fancy lilies (I think they are Asiatic @tinyliny ) and the tiger lilies are getting close. [Excuse my redneck watering system.. silly but functional!]

And I think these are sunflowers?! This is where I put the seeds, but I realized I have no idea what the leaf/plant portion of a sunflower looks like.

Today the real feel was in the triple digits by 9 am. I got the lawn mowed and have been hiding in the house ever since.
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There is no joy equal to that found on the back of a horse.
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post #374 of 2376 Old 06-18-2018, 03:42 PM
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 756
• Horses: 2
@phantomhorse13 Apparently all of the Midwest does vetting when you're heading out except for us in MN so people get really upset when they come here. Personally, I HATE IT! I'm always running behind and having to get my horse tacked up half an hour in and over to the vetting area 10 minutes before the end of our hold time and then have to wait in line was a pain. I much prefer getting it all done when we come in from our loop and having the rest of the time to relax. Plus (not that I've needed it yet but I know the day will come) with a vet check at the end if something shows up that might have been worked out during your hold you don't have the time to do that. My friend's horse was in Scoot Boots and the vet pulled her for being off on the front and when she got back to her campsite she pulled the boots off and there was a giant rock in one and as soon as she took it out her mare was fine. I hope they don't start switching more rides over to this.
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post #375 of 2376 Old 06-18-2018, 03:45 PM
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: NE Pa
Posts: 6,473
• Horses: 6
@QueenofFrance08 : all of the things you mention were exactly my thoughts on having the vetting at the end versus the beginning. So you check in at the in timer, then go pulse, then stand around trying to guess how long you need to wait in line to vet?! that would make relaxing and/or getting out on trail on time almost impossible.. how long is your hold normally?
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post #376 of 2376 Old 06-18-2018, 04:28 PM
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 756
• Horses: 2
@phantomhorse13 Yeah we came in, dumped ice water on the horses, pulsed in and had to get a vet to check their gums and backs (but not write anything on our cards except pulse down time) then we got back to our trailer and grabbed new water bottles and went to the bathroom and had to tack back up for the full vet check (which is also weird because usually we do vet checks without tack). Our holds for LD's are usually 50 minutes. I think the 50's had 2 50 minute holds and 1 40 minute hold.

I'm getting dangerously close to starting a Journal on here.... Also I just offered to take over the blog post/book of faces post/AERC magazine article writing for the Green Beans because the director of Green Beans wants to step down. What have I done!
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post #377 of 2376 Old 06-18-2018, 05:04 PM
Green Broke
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,593
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My DH cracks me up. I sold my shoulder relief cinch and DH kindly agreed to drop it off at UPS for me. When a coworker asked him what was in the package, he replied: "A miracle! Horse stuff that got sold and actually goes AWAY!!!!"
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post #378 of 2376 Old 06-19-2018, 07:50 PM
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: KS
Posts: 436
• Horses: 0
Originally Posted by SueC View Post
@newtrailriders , do you mean quoting others? Use the quote button at the bottom of a post to reply and if you want to break up the quote, insert the appropriate HTML, i.e. [QUOTE ] to start and [/QUOTE ] to finish, but without the space before the final bracket that I had to put in so it wouldn't execute the command!

Videos, use the URL, say from YouTube, but delete the "s" out of "https" if it's there so that it embeds properly.

Photos, use image insert button from the menu in the reply box and pop the URL of the online photo into it. Or use photosharing code, given to you by Flickr etc. Or upload directly, but I've never done that, so go to the help menu for that, or get someone who does this to show you.

I hope I've not completely misunderstood your query!

By the way, you had me in such stitches the other day about ashes and fingers and all the rest of it. Loved that post, such good reading. That humour is exactly the way our minds work in this house too; do you think we're related somewhere?
@SueC I meant the @SueC thing LOL. Yes - we must be related if we both find such morbid things funny!
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post #379 of 2376 Old 06-19-2018, 08:09 PM
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 7,067
• Horses: 3
Originally Posted by newtrailriders View Post
@SueC I meant the @SueC thing LOL.
Oopsie! Sorry, completely missed that idea!

Yes - we must be related if we both find such morbid things funny!
Mock the devil!

Brett and I both love Hamlet. And since HF seems to be eating photographs at present and has made a mincemeat of my last photo post, what else can I do but quote Hamlet? This part is hilarious, and brim-full of exactly this kind of humour!

  • Act V - Scene I

    [Elsinore. A churchyard.]
    Enter two Clowns.
    FIRST CLOWN: Is she to be buried in Christian burial that wilfully
    seeks her own salvation?
    SECOND CLOWN: I tell thee she is; therefore make her grave
    straight. The crowner hath sat on her, and finds it Christian
    FIRST CLOWN: How can that be, unless she drown'd herself in
    her own defence?
    SECOND CLOWN: Why, 'tis found so.
    FIRST CLOWN: It must be se offendendo; it cannot be else. For
    here lies the point: if I drown myself wittingly, it argues an(10)
    act; and an act hath three branches: it is to act, to do, and to
    perform; argal, she drown'd herself wittingly.
    SECOND CLOWN: Nay, but hear you, goodman delver—
    FIRST CLOWN: Give me leave. Here lies the water—good. Here
    stands the man—good. If the man go to this water and(15)
    drown himself, it is, will he, nill he, he goes. Mark you that.
    But if the water come to him and drown him, he drowns not
    himself. Argal, he that is not guilty of his own death shortens
    not his own life.
    SECOND CLOWN: But is this law?(20)
    FIRST CLOWN: Ay, marry, is't; crowner's quest law.
    SECOND CLOWN: Will you ha' the truth on't? If this had not been
    a gentlewoman, she should have been buried out o' Christian
    FIRST CLOWN: Why, there thou say'st! And the more pity that(25)
    great folk should have countenance in this world to drown
    or hang themselves more than their even Christian. Come,
    my spade! There is no ancient gentlemen but gardeners,
    ditchers, and grave-makers. They hold up Adam's
    SECOND CLOWN: Was he a gentleman?
    FIRST CLOWN: A was the first that ever bore arms.
    SECOND CLOWN: Why, he had none.
    FIRST CLOWN: What, art a heathen? How dost thou under-
    stand the Scripture? The Scripture says Adam digged.(35)
    Could he dig without arms? I'll put another question to
    thee. If thou answerest me not to the purpose, confess thy-
    SECOND CLOWN: Go to!
    FIRST CLOWN: What is he that builds stronger than either the(40)
    mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter?
    SECOND CLOWN: The gallows-maker; for that frame outlives a
    thousand tenants.
    FIRST CLOWN: I like thy wit well, in good faith. The gallows
    does well. But how does it well? It does well to those that(45)
    do ill. Now, thou dost ill to say the gallows is built stronger
    than the church. Argal, the gallows may do well to thee.
    To't again, come!
    SECOND CLOWN: Who builds stronger than a mason, a ship-
    wright, or a carpenter?(50)
    FIRST CLOWN: Ay, tell me that, and unyoke.
    SECOND CLOWN: Marry, now I can tell!
    FIRST CLOWN: To't.
    SECOND CLOWN: Mass, I cannot tell.
    FIRST CLOWN: Cudgel thy brains no more about it, for your(55)
    dull *** will not mend his pace with beating; and when you
    are asked this question next, say 'A grave-maker.' The
    houses that he makes last till doomsday. Go, get thee in
    Yaughan; fetch me a stoup of liquor.
    [Exit Second Clown. First Clown digs and sings.]
    In youth when I did love, did love,(60)
    Methought it was very sweet;
    To contract—O—the time for—a—my behove,
    O, methought there—a—was nothing—a meet.
    Enter Hamlet and Horatio.

    HAMLET: Has this fellow no feeling of his business, that he sings
    at grave-making?(65)
    HORATIO: Custom hath made it in him a property of easiness.
    HAMLET: 'tis e'en so. The hand of little employment hath the
    daintier sense.
    FIRST CLOWN: [Sings.]
    But age with his stealing steps(70)
    Hath clawed me in his clutch,
    And hath shipped me intil the land,
    As if I had never been such.
    [Throws up a skull.]
    HAMLET: That skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once.
    How the knave jowls it to the ground, as if 'were Cain's(75)
    jawbone, that did the first murder! This might be the pate of a
    politician, which this *** now o'erreaches; one that would
    circumvent God, might it not?
    HORATIO: It might, my lord.
    HAMLET: Or of a courtier, which could say 'Good morrow, sweet(80)
    How dost thou, sweet lord?' This might be my Lord Such-a-
    one, that praised my Lord Such-a-one's horse when he meant
    to beg it, might it not?
    HORATIO: Ay, my lord.(85)
    HAMLET: Why, e'en so! and now my Lady Worm's, chapless,
    and knock'd about the mazard with a sexton's spade. Here's
    fine revolution, and we had the trick to see't. Did these bones
    cost no more the breeding, but to play at loggets with 'em?
    Mine ache to think on't.(90)
    FIRST CLOWN: [Sings.]
    A pickaxe and a spade, a spade,
    For and a shrouding sheet;
    O, a Pit of clay for to be made
    For such a guest is meet.(95)
    [Throws up another skull.]
    HAMLET: There's another. Why may not that be the skull of a
    lawyer? Where be his quiddities now, his quillets, his
    cases, his tenures, and his tricks? Why does he suffer this
    rude knave now to knock him about the sconce with a dirty
    shovel, and will not tell him of his action of battery?(100)
    Hum! This fellow might be in's time a great buyer of land,
    with his statutes, his recognizances, his fines, his double
    vouchers, his recoveries. Is this the fine of his fines,
    and the recovery of his recoveries, to have his fine pate full
    of fine dirt? Will his vouchers vouch him no more of his(105)
    purchases, and double ones too, than the length and
    breadth of a pair of indentures? The very conveyances
    of his lands will scarcely lie in this box; and must the inheritor
    himself have no more, ha?
    HORATIO: Not a jot more, my lord.(110)
    HAMLET: Is not parchment made of sheepskins?
    HORATIO: Ay, my lord, And of calveskins too.
    HAMLET: They are sheep and calves which seek out assurance
    in that. I will speak to this fellow. Whose grave's this, sir-
    FIRST CLOWN: Mine, sir.
    O, a pit of clay for to be made
    For such a guest is meet.
    HAMLET: I think it be thine indeed, for thou liest in't.
    FIRST CLOWN: You lie out on't, sir, and therefore 'tis not(120)
    yours. For my part, I do not lie in't, yet it is mine.
    HAMLET: Thou dost lie in't, to be in't and say it' 'tis thine. 'tis
    for the dead, not for the quick; therefore thou liest.

    FIRST CLOWN: 'tis a quick lie, sir; 'twill away again from me to
    HAMLET: What man dost thou dig it for?
    FIRST CLOWN: For no man, sir.
    HAMLET: What woman then?
    FIRST CLOWN: For none, neither.
    HAMLET: Who is to be buried in't?(130)
    FIRST CLOWN: One that was a woman, sir; but, rest her soul,
    she's dead.
    HAMLET: How absolute the knave is! We must speak by the
    card, or equivocation will undo us. By the Lord,
    Horatio, this three years I have taken note of it, the age is(135)
    grown so picked that the toe of the peasant comes so near
    the heel of the courtier he galls his kibe. How long hast
    thou been a grave-maker?
    FIRST CLOWN: Of all the days i' the year, I came to't that day
    that our last king Hamlet overcame Fortinbras.(140)
    HAMLET: How long is that since?
    FIRST CLOWN: Cannot you tell that? Every fool can tell that. It
    was the very day that young Hamlet was born—he that is
    mad, and sent into England.
    HAMLET: Ay, marry, why was he sent into England?(145)
    FIRST CLOWN: Why, because he was mad. A shall recover his wits
    there; or, if a do not, 'tis no great matter there.
    HAMLET: Why?
    FIRST CLOWN: 'Twill not he seen in him there. There the men are
    as mad as he.(150)
    HAMLET: How came he mad?
    FIRST CLOWN: Very strangely, they say.
    HAMLET: How 'strangely'?
    FIRST CLOWN: Faith, e'en with losing his wits.
    HAMLET: Upon what ground?(155)
    FIRST CLOWN: Why, here in Denmark. I have been sexton here,
    man and boy, thirty years.
    HAMLET: How long will a man lie i' the earth ere he rot?
    FIRST CLOWN: I' faith, if he be not rotten before he die—as we
    have many pocky corses nowadays that will scarce hold the(160)
    laying in—he will last you some eight year or nine year. A
    tanner will last you nine year.
    HAMLET: Why he more than another?
    FIRST CLOWN: Why, sir, his hide is so tanned with his trade that
    a will keep out water a great while; and your water is a sore(165)
    decayer of your *****son dead body. Here's a skull, now.
    This skull hath lain in the earth three and twenty years.
    HAMLET: Whose was it?
    FIRST CLOWN: A *****son, mad fellow's it was. Whose do you
    think it was?(170)
    HAMLET: Nay, I know not.
    FIRST CLOWN: A pestilence on him for a mad rogue! A poured
    a flagon of Rhenish on my head once. This same skull, sir,
    was Yorick's skull, the King's jester.
    HAMLET: This?(175)
    FIRST CLOWN: E'en that.
    HAMLET: [Takes the skull.]
    Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him,
    Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He
    hath borne me on his back a thousand times. And now how
    abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here(180)
    hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft.
    Where be your gibes now? your gambols? your songs?
    your flashes of merriment, that were wont to set the table
    on a roar? Not one now to mock your own grinning? Quite
    chop-fallen? Now get you to my lady's chamber, and tell(185)
    her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must
    come. Make her laugh at that. Prithee, Horatio, tell me one
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post #380 of 2376 Old 06-19-2018, 08:13 PM
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Australia
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HORATIO: What's that, my lord?
HAMLET: Dost thou think Alexander looked o' this fashion i'(190)
the earth?
HORATIO: E'en so.
HAMLET: And smelt so? Pah!
HORATIO: E'en so, my lord.
HAMLET: To what base uses we may return, Horatio! Why may(195)
not imagination trace the noble dust of Alexander till he
find it stopping a bung-hole?
HORATIO: 'Twere to consider too curiously, to consider so.
HAMLET: No, faith, not a jot; but to follow him thither with
modesty enough, and likelihood to lead it; as thus:(200)
Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander returneth
into dust; the dust is earth; of earth we make loam;
and why of that loam, whereto he was converted, might
they not stop a beer barrel?
Imperious Caesar, dead and turn'd to clay,(205)
Might stop a hole to keep the wind away.
O, that that earth, which kept the world in awe
Should patch a wall to expel the winter's flaw!
But soft! but soft awhile! Here comes the King,
The Queen, the courtiers.(210)
[Enter Priests, in procession, corpes of Ophelia, Laertes and Mourners following King, Queen, and Attendants.]
Who is this they follow?
And with such maimed rites? This doth betoken
The corse they follow did with desperate hand
Fordo it own life. 'Twas of some estate.
Couch we awhile, and mark.(215)
LAERTES: What ceremony else?
HAMLET: That is Laertes, a very noble youth. Mark.
LAERTES: What ceremony else?
PRIEST: Her obsequies have been as far enlarged
As we have warranty. Her death was doubtful;(220)
And, but that great command o'ersways the order,
She should in ground unsanctified have lodged
Till the last trumpet. For charitable prayers,
Shards, flints, and pebbles should be thrown on her.
Yet here she is allow'd her virgin crants,(225)
Her maiden strewments and the bringing home
Of bell and burial.
LAERTES: Must there no more be done?
PRIEST: No more be done.
We should profane the service of the dead(230)
To sing a requiem and such rest to her
As to peace-parted souls.
LAERTES: Lay her i' the earth;
And from her fair and unpolluted flesh
May violets spring! I tell thee, churlish priest,(235)
A ministering angel shall my sister be
When thou liest howling.
HAMLET: What, the fair Ophelia?
QUEEN: Sweets to the sweet! Farewell.
I hoped thou shouldst have been my Hamlet's wife;(240)
I thought thy bride-bed to have deck'd, sweet maid,
And not have strew'd thy grave.
LAERTES: O, treble woe
Fall ten times treble on that cursed head
Whose wicked deed thy most ingenious sense(245)
Deprived thee of! Hold off the earth awhile,
Till I have caught her once more in mine arms.
[Leaps in the grave.]
Now pile your dust upon the quick and dead
Till of this flat a mountain you have made
To o'ertop old Pelion or the skyish head(250)
Of blue Olympus.
HAMLET: What is he whose grief
Bears such an emphasis, whose phrase of sorrow
Conjures the wandering stars and makes them stand
Like wonder-wounded hearers? This is I,(255)
Hamlet the Dane.
[Leaps in after Laertes.]

LAERTES: The devil take thy soul!
HAMLET: Thou pray'st not well.
I prithee, take thy fingers from my throat;
For, though I am not splenitive and rash,(260)
Yet have I in me something dangerous,
Which let thy wisdom fear. Hold off thy hand!
KING: Pluck them asunder.
QUEEN: Hamlet, Hamlet!
ALL: Gentlemen!(265)
HORATIO: Good my lord, be quiet.
HAMLET: Why, I will fight with him upon this theme
Until my eyelids will no longer wag.
QUEEN: O my son, what theme?
HAMLET: I loved Ophelia. Forty thousand brothers(270)
Could not, with all their quantity of love,
Make up my sum. What wilt thou do for her?
KING: O, he is mad, Laertes.
QUEEN: For love of God, forbear him!
HAMLET: 'Swounds, show me what thou'lt do.(275)
Woo't weep, woo't fight, woo't fast, woo't tear thyself?
Woo't drink up eisel, eat a crocodile?
I'll do't. Dost thou come here to whine,
To outface me with leaping in her grave?
Be buried quick with her, and so will I.(280)
And, if thou prate of mountains, let them throw
Millions of acres on us, till our ground,
Singeing his pate against the burning zone,
Make Ossa like a wart! Nay, an thou'lt mouth,
I'll rant as well as thou.(285)
QUEEN: This is mere madness;
And thus awhile the fit will work on him.
Anon, as patient as the female dove
When that her golden couplets are disclosed,
His silence will sit drooping.(290)
HAMLET: Hear you, sir!
What is the reason that you use me thus?
I loved you ever. But it is no matter.
Let Hercules himself do what he may,
The cat will mew, and dog will have his day.(295)
KING: I pray thee, good Horatio, wait upon him.
[Exit Horatio.]
Strengthen your patience in our last night's speech.
We'll put the matter to the present push.—
Good Gertrude, set some watch over your son.
This grave shall have a living monument.(300)
An hour of quiet shortly shall we see;
Till then, in patience our proceeding be.

A really funny "translation" into Modern English alongside original text here:

No Fear Shakespeare: Hamlet: Act 5, Scene 1, Page 8

Or, in summary:

There, now we'll have our 1000 pages again soon!

And did you notice, Shakespeare got censored here!
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