Battling the Hard-handed Rider - Page 2 - The Horse Forum
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post #11 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 12:19 AM
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Chula Vista, CA
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Sky, that is an excellent idea about grabbing mane! I am going to try that when I get scared about something on the trail and not get in the horse's mouth....well, unless I'm riding Belle that has a roached
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post #12 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 12:31 AM
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Vancouver, BC
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I'm an angry person and I get really worked up. My temper is really bad, some days I would just love to beat the crap out of something.

However, horses are NOT my normal day to day thing. I don't bring anything to the barn with me. I don't care if I suck, I am not going to stress about it. Horses ARE my relaxation. You really need to be in the moment, and stop yourself. Your problems is not your horses problem. You need to stop, take a breath, and push it back down.

Once you're away from the horse, deal with your problems. That type of anger needs to be dealt with.
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post #13 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 08:22 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
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Originally Posted by PaintedFury View Post
This tells me that you need help with something other than your riding skills. You need to seek professional help for your anger issues, it is not normal to be angry all of the time and at everybody. I hope you get the help that you need, and it is totally possible that you will find someone, maybe not even a professional, to talk to about your anger. If I may be so bold as to ask, why are you so angry? If you do not want to respond to this on this thread, you can PM me or totally ignore the question. Whether you answer me, or simply answer the question to yourself, it needs to be brought to light so you can learn to manage/control it. When you lose your temper, you lose everything; not just your temper, especially where horses are concerned.

As for your question as to how to stop your hard hands, quit doing it. I know that sounds simple, but the right answer usually is. As for expecting a perfect ride, show season is over, don't plan your rides just enjoy them. As far as I plan a ride is planning on going to the barn and riding. There is no forethought to it. I just plan to ride. If I work on barrels great, if I just plod down a trail great. And just so you know perfection is an illusion, there is no such thing, accept it. Enjoy your horses, especially since they seem to be your one thing that you aren't angry at, all of the time.

Good luck, I hope you find some peace. God bless you.

I'm mad because my parents make it seem like I do everything wrong. It seems like my mom has only been talking to me lately if she is complaining. Why is your room so dirty? Why didn't you take care of your laundry yet? Why do you have a box of cheezits in your room? It's never, how was your day? My stepdad labels me as the terrible stepdaughter. He regularly threatens to kick me out of the house because I am so bad, even though I'm home every single night doing my homework, eating dinner with them, etc. I can never live up to his expectations. My dad constantly rags on me about my grades, even though I am still managing a good GPA. If I don't have a 4.0, he acts like I won't make it into college or have a fulfulling life. I am struggling in school and trying to learn what I don't get. I am trying so hard, but it seems like I'm just continuing to sink. Just yesterday I was taking a test that I didn't understand, and I was so mad. So mad I didn't understand anything. I scribbled some answers down, hurried to the bathroom and just sat there, wiping my eyes, thinking of how the heck I will explain the bad grade to my parents. I'm angry that my mom, that out of the 8 billion people in the world has a medical illness where she has to get her head cut open in 3 weeks. I'm mad at the doctor for saying "we are aiming to have you 83% normal afterwards. Seriously? 83%? Show me the math. I'm mad at my stepdad for being, basically verbally abusive towards my mom. I'm mad at the people who continuosly bully me in school.

Maybe all I want is a break from people constantly ragging on me. A break from all of the bad luck, all of the negativity. I know people have it worse off than me. I realize that. But I just want 5 minutes where I don't have to deal with everything.

It may be hard to believe, but usually I am the calmest person. I'm not someone that throws my anger out at people, usually I just keep it inside until I have a chance to lay in my bed and just let it out. I used to sit next to a creek for hours and just watch the water, and wait for one of the muskrats to swim by. I used to love art and just sit and doodle. But now I'm a stressed out, angry person. And I'm angry about that too.

Sorry that I just a major case of word diarrhea. I was half venting.

I am going to change. I'm promising myself that. As soon as I get home today, I'm going to finish chores up and ride. Just ride around the field, maybe down the road and enjoy myself. That's my goal. My farrier once told my that running helped her with her anger through a divorce. When she felt like getting in her car and driving to kill her husband, she would just run instead. I'm going to try that too.
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post #14 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 09:23 AM
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: North Dakota
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It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now.

How about meeting with your school counselor? Even just having someone in person to vent to can take a load off your shoulders. That's what the school counselors are there for.

∞*˚ Βгįťţαňγ ˚*∞
It is not enough to know how to ride; one must know how to fall.
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post #15 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 09:32 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
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Originally Posted by boots View Post
I've made heavy-handed riders ride with fishing line for reins. A friend attached wire to short pieces of leather for reins for a couple kids he let come stay on the ranch who would jerk on a horse.

The theory, of course, is if it's uncomfortable for the rider they'll stop. It's worked for some.

The other option is to address the underlying issue. That would be the best thing for your whole life.

I used to be an angry person. I can hardly believe it now.
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I might have to try that. Sounds like I good idea
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post #16 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 09:38 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by beau159 View Post
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now.

How about meeting with your school counselor? Even just having someone in person to vent to can take a load off your shoulders. That's what the school counselors are there for.
I honestly wouldn't say anything to the counselors here. We have 2 and they are made for only discussing class changes or plans for next year.. I don't know if we ever had an actual "go to talk to" counselor. If I brought up half of how I felt, they would call my parents, and I don't really want my parents involved anymore than they already are. I've told my mom that it feels like whenever she talks to me, its only to tell me what I'm doing wrong, and she just rolls her eyes and says whatever. I would actually like to go to a psychologist, but they are so dang expensive.
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post #17 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 10:32 AM
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UP of Michigan
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I don't have much advise other than to find what makes you happy, and do it everyday. You really do need time to get away from it all, to clear your mind of all that bothers you and think of nothing that troubles you.

Maybe try and make time with your horse your happy time. If you are too stressed to ride, don't ride. Maybe put a halter on and take a walk with your horse. Or give him a super in depth grooming. Repetitive motion, like that of a brush or curry comb, can actually be quite relaxing.

Because I don't have a horse (just taking lessons), my personal happy place is with my goats. If I am stressed out, I go spend time with them. I forget everything when I am with them. Usually we go on a walk, I can just open the gate and walk on the trail, and they'll follow me. So we walk, I snuggle and pet on them, it is my happy place. I ignore my cell phone.

When you are incredibly angry and stressed, don't do anything that requires a ton of thought and concentration. That can amplify it. I love your suggestion of just taking a ride. Don't have any goals other than to relax with your horse and let that tension go. It won't help improve things with your family, but it may help you feel less angry when you are with them.

Being able to vent is important. If you don't have anyone you can vent to in real life, venting here is probably the next best thing. Try not to bottle it up, it makes it worst. I used to be an angry, stressed out teen (I had alopecia (hair loss) and was bullied relentlessly because of it), and I had nobody to vent to. High school was literally years of torture and torment. The only place I could escape it was the library, and I'd spend my lunches there. The kind old librarian would protect me basically, and I had a quiet place to read and be at peace in a safe place. Eventually I became a library aide and spent most of my time in there, as I could do classwork as I worked as an aide. If you have a safe place at your school where your bullies can't torment you, try and use it as much as possible.
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post #18 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 10:55 AM
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How old are you?

I will be honest, and say I did that same. I had a very tough time between 13-17 and thought the world was against me. Looking back on it, I wish I could give my younger self a good wallop across the face.

I had a school master who was very hard in the mouth, older boy.. but he would soften as we worked. But he was a lazy ***, and I will never forget getting so frustrated, that without warning I spurred and whipped him. And he threw me in the sand. HARD. Was a wake up call. Whenever I felt myself getting frustrated, I got off and cooled down before continuing.

One of two options.

Ride a horse that will headbutt you when you haul it in the face. I expect you will get out of the habit quickly.

Ride without gloves, and with thinner reins. YOU need to feel. This was a brilliant suggestion!

The other option, which worked for me, was to take evening primrose and star flower oil supplements. Hormones race as a teenager, and some cope better than others.. I didn't. But a few weeks after this, I found myself in a MUCH better place.

You need an outlet, other than riding, to let that frustration go.

You also need to be realistic. Jumping last month and going well does not equal a lengthly time later being able to repeat it.

Be realistic in your aims for riding.
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post #19 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 10:55 AM
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Location: Michigan
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Girl! You need to get away from all that negativity, even if it is just hopping on your horse for a do nothing but plod around ride. I have been where you are and have dealt with a lot of the same things. Horses have always been my safe place and when I was younger (not a lot but still in high school) I would sometimes take out my anger when I got in the saddle because that was the only time it felt safe to show my emotions.

Once I realized this I backed off of riding for a little bit (like a week or two) and gathered my thoughts and came up with a plan of action to help de-stress myself. I started to journal, which got my feelings out on paper even if it was just angrily scribbling on the page before any words flowed from the pen. I also started just hopping on my horse bareback and doing silly things instead of riding super seriously. I still competed, but I made time where neither of us were working super hard but could just goof off and cuddle. I started to take a lot of what my parents had to say with a grain of salt, because at the time they were going through a nasty divorce and everything that came from their mouths was negative. Eventually things settled down and I was able to really start talking to my mom again. I still struggle with school a little bit... I am a senior in college and I will readily admit that I am not sure how to study! But it is just finding the time to do what works best for you when it comes to school and just accepting that as long as you try your best, and you know you gave it everything you got, then there is no shame in a less than perfect grade. Learn from your mistakes, and if you are really struggling talk to your teacher or the really smart person in your class for help! And bullies suck, but just know that they really and honestly are jealous of you and the only way that they can feel better about themselves is to try and bring you down. As hard as it is and as much as words really do hurt, ignore them. Find a safe place, cry into your horse's mane, journal, draw something ridiculous!

Just find some peace, and if you need someone to talk to please feel free to PM me :)

The only view I want to see is the landscape between my horse's ears <3
Take a Chance- AAQH Gelding, silly boy, love of my life
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post #20 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 10:58 AM
Green Broke
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Alberta, Canada
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first, I want to say that what you are doing to your horse is totally, absolutely and completely inappropriate.

When something bad happens in a persons life that they don't like(critical parents, abuse, frustration, etc) they always have two choices. 1) learn from it, realize you hate what happened to you and never do it to anyone/thing else, or 2) repeat the bad thing you didn't like(example, not applicable to you: an abused boy growing up to abuse his own kids). In your case, you feel your parents are overly negative and critical of you, while not seeing the positives, or commending your efforts.

Is this starting to sound familiar? You are expecting perfection from your horse, not seeing the good effort he is giving you, focusing on the negatives and constantly punishing. You are very effectively doing the thing you are so angry with your parents for, to your horse.

your horse should be your friend, outlet and escape during tough times. You are turning him into your victim, a place to mistreat something the way you feel you are being mistreated.

That you realize you have a problem is commendable. When you start getting angry, get off your horse, go cool down and do some stretches and breathing exercises. Make a determined effort to find the positive, and focus on that. Recognize where your anger is coming from, and banish it from the barn. It might be worth, if possible, writing a letter to your parents when you are calm, explaining why you are so frustrated.
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