Battling the Hard-handed Rider - Page 3 - The Horse Forum
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post #21 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 11:08 AM
Green Broke
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: NW Oregon
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Kylie...Priests are free.
I'm not Catholic but if I were at the end of my tether and didn't know what else to do, I would not be opposed to stopping by the church to ask for help. It may be possible they could direct you to a youth program that could help.
It sounds like you have a stressful situation at home. Keep one other thing in mind...with your mom's condition, your parents are stressed also.
And when you are with your horse and it's not going well just stop everything, breath, force yourself to relax and start over when you have control of yourself. I know you know that your horse is picking up on your tension.
Good luck to you.

If you ever find yourself in a fair fight, it's because your tactics suck. ~ Marine 1SGT J. Reifinger
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post #22 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 11:29 AM
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From your first post I read that the problem isn't with your hands but with your lack of patience and temper
I've told you this before - stop putting so much pressure on yourself - and on your horse. We all have bad days - no point worrying over it and making things worse by over reacting
Setting yourself goals is good but they need to be realistic if you're going to be fair to this young horse
Take a step back and learn to enjoy her so she can learn to trust you and enjoy being ridden
Your horses should be an escape from the pains and stresses of other things in your life - so try to leave them behind when you are with them and you'll feel so much better for it

Last edited by jaydee; 10-30-2013 at 11:32 AM.
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post #23 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 01:26 PM
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I also think you need to find an outlet for all the negative energy. Some people run or work out, some people read, some need to go have a long bubble bath and a drink, you have to find your outlet. For me, I have *just* discovered hot yoga, and now after a crappy day all I can think about is getting my butt to hot yoga and there's something about laying there sweating my butt off and breathing, I can let everything go and it just centers me. And I never in a million years thought I'd like it, I'd always claimed that yoga was "not my thing." And then I tried it, haha.

Life is full of crap, if you can find a non destructive way to deal with that now, you will be WAY ahead of the game. If you don't find some way to release all this negative energy, it's going to continue to build up and overflow into other parts of your life (horse, etc). It DOES get better though, I promise, high school seems to be particularly brutal for many.

Hang in there though! We're all rooting for you!

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post #24 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 01:29 PM
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Do me a favor, start two journals.

In the first one, everyday list 5 things that you are pleased or happy with. It can be something as simple as your horse greeted you at the barn or you made a better grade on an assignment than you thought you would. Even if it's something that doesn't really mean anything to anyone else, only to you. You're looking for perfection and getting upset when you don't get it. There is no such thing as perfect where life is concerned. You have to start looking for things to be happy about. It is easy to be angry at the world, trust me I know. It is hard to be happy especially if you have been angry for very long at all. But you have to start somewhere. And finding things that made you happy during your day is a good start.

In the second one, vent when you need to vent. It doesn't have to make sense, just get your feelings out. Better out than in. You don't ever have to go back and read it unless you just want to.

Over time and with effort you will change how you view your world, and learn to calm yourself when you start to feel angry. In the mean time, when you start to get frustrated with your horse, immediately get off and don't get back on until you have calmed yourself. Even if it takes walking away from her for a few minutes, make sure that she is in a safe situation and leave her. Return to her once you have regained composure. You can do this, trust me.
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post #25 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 02:03 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DuffyDuck View Post
How old are you?

I will be honest, and say I did that same. I had a very tough time between 13-17 and thought the world was against me. Looking back on it, I wish I could give my younger self a good wallop across the face.

I had a school master who was very hard in the mouth, older boy.. but he would soften as we worked. But he was a lazy ***, and I will never forget getting so frustrated, that without warning I spurred and whipped him. And he threw me in the sand. HARD. Was a wake up call. Whenever I felt myself getting frustrated, I got off and cooled down before continuing.

One of two options.

Ride a horse that will headbutt you when you haul it in the face. I expect you will get out of the habit quickly.

Ride without gloves, and with thinner reins. YOU need to feel. This was a brilliant suggestion!

The other option, which worked for me, was to take evening primrose and star flower oil supplements. Hormones race as a teenager, and some cope better than others.. I didn't. But a few weeks after this, I found myself in a MUCH better place.

You need an outlet, other than riding, to let that frustration go.

You also need to be realistic. Jumping last month and going well does not equal a lengthly time later being able to repeat it.

Be realistic in your aims for riding.

I'm 16, and I would say this has been going on since I was 12 maybe? Just a guess. I wish my horse wasn't such a saint. I deserve to be dumped off, multiple times. I already don't wear gloves and have newer reins so they already blister my hands.

I just came up with a new idea that I read about before. The forum I got it off of said to hold the reins with the pointer finger and thumb since you can't really get rough like that.
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post #26 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 02:10 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aerie View Post
Girl! You need to get away from all that negativity, even if it is just hopping on your horse for a do nothing but plod around ride. I have been where you are and have dealt with a lot of the same things. Horses have always been my safe place and when I was younger (not a lot but still in high school) I would sometimes take out my anger when I got in the saddle because that was the only time it felt safe to show my emotions.

Once I realized this I backed off of riding for a little bit (like a week or two) and gathered my thoughts and came up with a plan of action to help de-stress myself. I started to journal, which got my feelings out on paper even if it was just angrily scribbling on the page before any words flowed from the pen. I also started just hopping on my horse bareback and doing silly things instead of riding super seriously. I still competed, but I made time where neither of us were working super hard but could just goof off and cuddle. I started to take a lot of what my parents had to say with a grain of salt, because at the time they were going through a nasty divorce and everything that came from their mouths was negative. Eventually things settled down and I was able to really start talking to my mom again. I still struggle with school a little bit... I am a senior in college and I will readily admit that I am not sure how to study! But it is just finding the time to do what works best for you when it comes to school and just accepting that as long as you try your best, and you know you gave it everything you got, then there is no shame in a less than perfect grade. Learn from your mistakes, and if you are really struggling talk to your teacher or the really smart person in your class for help! And bullies suck, but just know that they really and honestly are jealous of you and the only way that they can feel better about themselves is to try and bring you down. As hard as it is and as much as words really do hurt, ignore them. Find a safe place, cry into your horse's mane, journal, draw something ridiculous!

Just find some peace, and if you need someone to talk to please feel free to PM me :)

I'm going to start riding again, I used to work on a fictional story that had parts of my life in it, and it helped a lot. Writing always helps me.

I actually don't compete that much anymore since I thought that contributed to a lot of my hard handedness. Winning used to be my main concern, and once I cut that out, everything was fine. I competed in September and I did it for pure fun and I had a great time. I've decided just to just work on simple things for now on. Nothing that will stress me out.

I actually don't know how to study either, so I struggle a lot because of that. I'm working on talking to the smart people, I just lack social skills..bad.

At least I only deal with the bullies 1 hour a day. It could be a whole lot worse
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post #27 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 02:12 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueSpark View Post
first, I want to say that what you are doing to your horse is totally, absolutely and completely inappropriate.

When something bad happens in a persons life that they don't like(critical parents, abuse, frustration, etc) they always have two choices. 1) learn from it, realize you hate what happened to you and never do it to anyone/thing else, or 2) repeat the bad thing you didn't like(example, not applicable to you: an abused boy growing up to abuse his own kids). In your case, you feel your parents are overly negative and critical of you, while not seeing the positives, or commending your efforts.

Is this starting to sound familiar? You are expecting perfection from your horse, not seeing the good effort he is giving you, focusing on the negatives and constantly punishing. You are very effectively doing the thing you are so angry with your parents for, to your horse.

your horse should be your friend, outlet and escape during tough times. You are turning him into your victim, a place to mistreat something the way you feel you are being mistreated.

That you realize you have a problem is commendable. When you start getting angry, get off your horse, go cool down and do some stretches and breathing exercises. Make a determined effort to find the positive, and focus on that. Recognize where your anger is coming from, and banish it from the barn. It might be worth, if possible, writing a letter to your parents when you are calm, explaining why you are so frustrated.

All of this is extremely helpful. I would make my response broader, but my eyes are already watering and I don't feel like crying during school-I will expand my response more later.

This response, was really eye opening
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post #28 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 02:13 PM
Green Broke
 
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Quote:
hold the reins with the pointer finger and thumb since you can't really get rough like that.
just replace them with some heavy fishing wire, very thin cord or even binder twine. you'll learn not to quickly. but the heavy hands are not the problem. your unrealistic expectations and anger problems are. Deal with those and the heavy hands problem will disappear. Don't deal with them and you will find other ways to punish your horse.

Being a teenager sucks. I can sympathize.
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post #29 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 03:47 PM
Green Broke
 
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While you may have a crappy life, or think you do? That is not your horse's fault. And abusing him because you are in a bad mood is abuse. Nothing more.

Doesn't bode well for any future children or pets you might have either, or anyone that is dependent on your mood.

You don't need a horse if this is how you are going to treat him.

There are therapists out there, counselors, or ministers. Go find one.

And if it bothers you being nagged about things? Then DO THEM. If your room is a mess clean it up. If you are being asked to do something? DO IT. The fact that all of the adults in your life, by your telling, are all on you at the same time says that this is something you are causing more than them just waking up and deciding to gripe at you.

And I think it is telling that you are not so mad that you are punching a concrete wall in your "anger" which tells me you don't want to hurt yourself, but you darn sure don't mind hurting an innocent creature that you are ripping in the mouth.

Shame on you.

You need to grow up, ask for help and quit abusing your horse.
You need some help I think.
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Last edited by TaMMa89; 11-01-2013 at 08:31 AM.
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post #30 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 04:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Palomine View Post
While you may have a crappy life, or think you do? That is not your horse's fault. And abusing him because you are in a bad mood is abuse. Nothing more.

Doesn't bode well for any future children or pets you might have either, or anyone that is dependent on your mood.

You don't need a horse if this is how you are going to treat him.

There are therapists out there, counselors, or ministers. Go find one.

And if it bothers you being nagged about things? Then DO THEM. If your room is a mess clean it up. If you are being asked to do something? DO IT. The fact that all of the adults in your life, by your telling, are all on you at the same time says that this is something you are causing more than them just waking up and deciding to gripe at you.

And I think it is telling that you are not so mad that you are punching a concrete wall in your "anger" which tells me you don't want to hurt yourself, but you darn sure don't mind hurting an innocent creature that you are ripping in the mouth.

Shame on you.

You need to grow up, ask for help and quit abusing your horse.
You need some help I think.
Saucer of milk?
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Last edited by TaMMa89; 11-01-2013 at 08:31 AM.
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