I'm mad because my parents make it seem like I do everything wrong. It seems like my mom has only been talking to me lately if she is complaining. Why is your room so dirty? Why didn't you take care of your laundry yet? Why do you have a box of cheezits in your room? It's never, how was your day? My stepdad labels me as the terrible stepdaughter. He regularly threatens to kick me out of the house because I am so bad, even though I'm home every single night doing my homework, eating dinner with them, etc. I can never live up to his expectations. My dad constantly rags on me about my grades, even though I am still managing a good GPA. If I don't have a 4.0, he acts like I won't make it into college or have a fulfulling life. I am struggling in school and trying to learn what I don't get. I am trying so hard, but it seems like I'm just continuing to sink. Just yesterday I was taking a test that I didn't understand, and I was so mad. So mad I didn't understand anything. I scribbled some answers down, hurried to the bathroom and just sat there, wiping my eyes, thinking of how the heck I will explain the bad grade to my parents. I'm angry that my mom, that out of the 8 billion people in the world has a medical illness where she has to get her head cut open in 3 weeks. I'm mad at the doctor for saying "we are aiming to have you 83% normal afterwards. Seriously? 83%? Show me the math. I'm mad at my stepdad for being, basically verbally abusive towards my mom. I'm mad at the people who continuosly bully me in school.
Maybe all I want is a break from people constantly ragging on me. A break from all of the bad luck, all of the negativity. I know people have it worse off than me. I realize that. But I just want 5 minutes where I don't have to deal with everything.
It may be hard to believe, but usually I am the calmest person. I'm not someone that throws my anger out at people, usually I just keep it inside until I have a chance to lay in my bed and just let it out. I used to sit next to a creek for hours and just watch the water, and wait for one of the muskrats to swim by. I used to love art and just sit and doodle. But now I'm a stressed out, angry person. And I'm angry about that too.
Sorry that I just a major case of word diarrhea. I was half venting.
I am going to change. I'm promising myself that. As soon as I get home today, I'm going to finish chores up and ride. Just ride around the field, maybe down the road and enjoy myself. That's my goal. My farrier once told my that running helped her with her anger through a divorce. When she felt like getting in her car and driving to kill her husband, she would just run instead. I'm going to try that too.
You poor girl! I remember what being sixteen like and it was awful. I remember feeling that the world and my place in it was so messed up that it would never be okay. That I was being attacked from all sides and backed into a corner and didn't know the way out. Most people have a pretty rough time when they're a teenager. Things change, I know it feels like it never will, and I'm not going to say that you grow up and everything is good and perfect and you never feel this way again because that's a lie, but things do change. They do get "better" or at least you get better at dealing with them.
I know it sounds strange but all these things bothering you, the only power they have over you is what you give them. Their words are just words no different to the ones you read in books or hear on TV - the power they have over you is what you give them and at a certain point you have to step back and say no, you won't let their words control you. Realise that whatever anybody says isn't just their reaction to you and your behaviour - but also everything else that is going on in their lives. Parents get scared, angry, insecure and just because they're parents doesn't mean they deal with it any better than you do. Just like you transfer frustrations to your horse your parents, teachers, friends - whatever - transfer it to you. You can't go through like taking on board everything everyone says, thinks or feels about you.
When I was in school, things got bad at home, at school, with friends and when I wasn't much old than you I dropped out, sold my horse and left home because I felt that as a failure I could never stay there - I thought things were as bad as they could get. I got a job and took care of myself even though I wasn't much more than a kid. And you know what? It wasn't the end of the world. Everything worked out in the end, I went to university, graduated, bought horses, traveled some of the world.
You'll never be able to control what others do, you can only control your actions, your thoughts, your feelings. You can control how you respond to things, and it's completely your choice. You can choose to study or not, you can choose to take on board everything your parents say or you can filter it. Whatever you do, right or wrong, it's your choice.
Sometimes the best thing to do is look at what people want, like your parents. They want good grades, they want chores. Well write down what you need to do (just for yourself). Do them before they complain, get into a routine that is your routine - what works for you. Sit in your room and study when you can, you don't have to have confrontation as part of your life. When they complain, yell or nag just let them, be silent, listen to what they say then let it go. Acknowledge what they say and move on, they can't argue with someone who won't argue.
And if you need someone to ask about your day, someone to talk to you, you can always come on here. Others have said you can PM them anytime - and same with me, you can PM me (or us) anytime and we'll ask how your day was
With the horse, you're right with a lot of stuff, go back to fun, easy riding, let go of his mouth and just try and stay present and not get angry.