Battling the Hard-handed Rider - Page 4 - The Horse Forum
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post #31 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 04:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Palomine View Post
While you may have a crappy life, or think you do? That is not your horse's fault. And abusing him because you are in a bad mood is abuse. Nothing more.

Doesn't bode well for any future children or pets you might have either, or anyone that is dependent on your mood.

You don't need a horse if this is how you are going to treat him.

There are therapists out there, counselors, or ministers. Go find one.

And if it bothers you being nagged about things? Then DO THEM. If your room is a mess clean it up. If you are being asked to do something? DO IT. The fact that all of the adults in your life, by your telling, are all on you at the same time says that this is something you are causing more than them just waking up and deciding to gripe at you.

And I think it is telling that you are not so mad that you are punching a concrete wall in your "anger" which tells me you don't want to hurt yourself, but you darn sure don't mind hurting an innocent creature that you are ripping in the mouth.

Shame on you.

You need to grow up, ask for help and quit abusing your horse.

You need some help I think.
This is a little harsh. OP, you have received some wonderful advice already. Feel free to PM me or any of the others who have already offered to be a listening ear. Let your horse time be comfort time even if that is just sitting in the stall reading a book or listening to music with your buddy. Decompress and if you think it would help, maybe talk with your school counselor. They are there for a reason and can be a wonderful lifeline if you open up the line of communication. I had a time in middle school when a kid started picking on me and honestly just talking to the counselor helped, she ended the problem immediately and honestly, until I left that school she was a friend that I knew I could go to for anything.

I remember high school and college, and honestly am glad I am done with all that drama, but if you need a listening ear shoot me a PM. You can and will get through this!
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Last edited by TaMMa89; 11-01-2013 at 08:32 AM.
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post #32 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 04:18 PM
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Palomine, were you ever a teenager? Or maybe those years were filled with rainbows and roses for you? I hated being a teenager, it sucked in so many ways. The OP is not reacting to things in her environment very well, and obviously is realizing this, as she posted asking for help.
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post #33 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 04:30 PM
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It is a good thing that you self-identified this problem, and that you want to fix it.

That's really the only good thing I can say, I'm sorry. You need to get your anger under control, and until then I think it may be a good idea to not ride. If you do ride, I suggest that you be super duper amazingly aware and the instant you feel that you're starting to get angry, GET OFF. Cool him out by walking him out on foot, and put him away.

Ripping a horse's face off because he isn't being perfect is NOT OKAY. EVER.

Imagine you're in a country where you don't speak the language, and you've learned everything you know from people communicating by vague signals. If you get it wrong, you get beaten. How would that affect your work ethic? What would you do? How would you respond?

If you feel you cannot control your anger, DO NOT RIDE. Period. At all. Not even with a halter. Groom your horse, then put him away.

We all have frustrating rides, that's part of our sport. The thing is, you have to realize exactly what our sport involves. We all have moments we aren't proud of - but those moments should be very few and extremely far apart.

If you cannot stop yourself from acting out on your horse, perhaps it's time to take a break until you find some coping skills.
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post #34 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 05:07 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: New South Wales, Australia
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KylieHuitema View Post
I'm mad because my parents make it seem like I do everything wrong. It seems like my mom has only been talking to me lately if she is complaining. Why is your room so dirty? Why didn't you take care of your laundry yet? Why do you have a box of cheezits in your room? It's never, how was your day? My stepdad labels me as the terrible stepdaughter. He regularly threatens to kick me out of the house because I am so bad, even though I'm home every single night doing my homework, eating dinner with them, etc. I can never live up to his expectations. My dad constantly rags on me about my grades, even though I am still managing a good GPA. If I don't have a 4.0, he acts like I won't make it into college or have a fulfulling life. I am struggling in school and trying to learn what I don't get. I am trying so hard, but it seems like I'm just continuing to sink. Just yesterday I was taking a test that I didn't understand, and I was so mad. So mad I didn't understand anything. I scribbled some answers down, hurried to the bathroom and just sat there, wiping my eyes, thinking of how the heck I will explain the bad grade to my parents. I'm angry that my mom, that out of the 8 billion people in the world has a medical illness where she has to get her head cut open in 3 weeks. I'm mad at the doctor for saying "we are aiming to have you 83% normal afterwards. Seriously? 83%? Show me the math. I'm mad at my stepdad for being, basically verbally abusive towards my mom. I'm mad at the people who continuosly bully me in school.

Maybe all I want is a break from people constantly ragging on me. A break from all of the bad luck, all of the negativity. I know people have it worse off than me. I realize that. But I just want 5 minutes where I don't have to deal with everything.

It may be hard to believe, but usually I am the calmest person. I'm not someone that throws my anger out at people, usually I just keep it inside until I have a chance to lay in my bed and just let it out. I used to sit next to a creek for hours and just watch the water, and wait for one of the muskrats to swim by. I used to love art and just sit and doodle. But now I'm a stressed out, angry person. And I'm angry about that too.

Sorry that I just a major case of word diarrhea. I was half venting.


I am going to change. I'm promising myself that. As soon as I get home today, I'm going to finish chores up and ride. Just ride around the field, maybe down the road and enjoy myself. That's my goal. My farrier once told my that running helped her with her anger through a divorce. When she felt like getting in her car and driving to kill her husband, she would just run instead. I'm going to try that too.
You poor girl! I remember what being sixteen like and it was awful. I remember feeling that the world and my place in it was so messed up that it would never be okay. That I was being attacked from all sides and backed into a corner and didn't know the way out. Most people have a pretty rough time when they're a teenager. Things change, I know it feels like it never will, and I'm not going to say that you grow up and everything is good and perfect and you never feel this way again because that's a lie, but things do change. They do get "better" or at least you get better at dealing with them.

I know it sounds strange but all these things bothering you, the only power they have over you is what you give them. Their words are just words no different to the ones you read in books or hear on TV - the power they have over you is what you give them and at a certain point you have to step back and say no, you won't let their words control you. Realise that whatever anybody says isn't just their reaction to you and your behaviour - but also everything else that is going on in their lives. Parents get scared, angry, insecure and just because they're parents doesn't mean they deal with it any better than you do. Just like you transfer frustrations to your horse your parents, teachers, friends - whatever - transfer it to you. You can't go through like taking on board everything everyone says, thinks or feels about you.

When I was in school, things got bad at home, at school, with friends and when I wasn't much old than you I dropped out, sold my horse and left home because I felt that as a failure I could never stay there - I thought things were as bad as they could get. I got a job and took care of myself even though I wasn't much more than a kid. And you know what? It wasn't the end of the world. Everything worked out in the end, I went to university, graduated, bought horses, traveled some of the world.

You'll never be able to control what others do, you can only control your actions, your thoughts, your feelings. You can control how you respond to things, and it's completely your choice. You can choose to study or not, you can choose to take on board everything your parents say or you can filter it. Whatever you do, right or wrong, it's your choice.

Sometimes the best thing to do is look at what people want, like your parents. They want good grades, they want chores. Well write down what you need to do (just for yourself). Do them before they complain, get into a routine that is your routine - what works for you. Sit in your room and study when you can, you don't have to have confrontation as part of your life. When they complain, yell or nag just let them, be silent, listen to what they say then let it go. Acknowledge what they say and move on, they can't argue with someone who won't argue.

And if you need someone to ask about your day, someone to talk to you, you can always come on here. Others have said you can PM them anytime - and same with me, you can PM me (or us) anytime and we'll ask how your day was

With the horse, you're right with a lot of stuff, go back to fun, easy riding, let go of his mouth and just try and stay present and not get angry.
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Last edited by Saskia; 10-30-2013 at 05:10 PM.
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post #35 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 05:41 PM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,180
• Horses: 4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Palomine View Post
While you may have a crappy life, or think you do? That is not your horse's fault. And abusing him because you are in a bad mood is abuse. Nothing more.

Doesn't bode well for any future children or pets you might have either, or anyone that is dependent on your mood.

You don't need a horse if this is how you are going to treat him.

There are therapists out there, counselors, or ministers. Go find one.

And if it bothers you being nagged about things? Then DO THEM. If your room is a mess clean it up. If you are being asked to do something? DO IT. The fact that all of the adults in your life, by your telling, are all on you at the same time says that this is something you are causing more than them just waking up and deciding to gripe at you.

And I think it is telling that you are not so mad that you are punching a concrete wall in your "anger" which tells me you don't want to hurt yourself, but you darn sure don't mind hurting an innocent creature that you are ripping in the mouth.

Shame on you.

You need to grow up, ask for help and quit abusing your horse.
You need some help I think.

Don't you dare tell me what is and isn't wrong with me. I came here SEEKING HELP clearly.

And not punching a concrete wall? I was kicking the fence yesterday and punching it. DO NOT tell me what I did or didn't do.

I DO do what I am told. The minute after my mom left my room, I picked it up slightly, and the next day I cleaned everything and vacuumed.

People like you are the reason I get so freaking frustrated with life. I was looking forward to getting back on here and telling of my progress with my horse today as I had an amazing ride, but you down right ruined it. So SHAME ON YOU.

Last edited by TaMMa89; 11-01-2013 at 08:56 AM.
KylieHuitema is offline  
post #36 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 05:45 PM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,180
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustDressageIt View Post
It is a good thing that you self-identified this problem, and that you want to fix it.

That's really the only good thing I can say, I'm sorry. You need to get your anger under control, and until then I think it may be a good idea to not ride. If you do ride, I suggest that you be super duper amazingly aware and the instant you feel that you're starting to get angry, GET OFF. Cool him out by walking him out on foot, and put him away.

Ripping a horse's face off because he isn't being perfect is NOT OKAY. EVER.

Imagine you're in a country where you don't speak the language, and you've learned everything you know from people communicating by vague signals. If you get it wrong, you get beaten. How would that affect your work ethic? What would you do? How would you respond?

If you feel you cannot control your anger, DO NOT RIDE. Period. At all. Not even with a halter. Groom your horse, then put him away.

We all have frustrating rides, that's part of our sport. The thing is, you have to realize exactly what our sport involves. We all have moments we aren't proud of - but those moments should be very few and extremely far apart.

If you cannot stop yourself from acting out on your horse, perhaps it's time to take a break until you find some coping skills.

I'm really working on it now. I am so mad at myself. Just telling everyone on here and letting all of my anger out helped so much. I rode him today bareback and with a neck rope, and it was the best ride I've had in a while. I actually had fun. I wish I could go back in time and kick myself for what I've been doing. I always look down upon others that do it, but when I do it myself, it was okay, when it's not.
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post #37 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 05:49 PM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,180
• Horses: 4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Saskia View Post
You poor girl! I remember what being sixteen like and it was awful. I remember feeling that the world and my place in it was so messed up that it would never be okay. That I was being attacked from all sides and backed into a corner and didn't know the way out. Most people have a pretty rough time when they're a teenager. Things change, I know it feels like it never will, and I'm not going to say that you grow up and everything is good and perfect and you never feel this way again because that's a lie, but things do change. They do get "better" or at least you get better at dealing with them.

I know it sounds strange but all these things bothering you, the only power they have over you is what you give them. Their words are just words no different to the ones you read in books or hear on TV - the power they have over you is what you give them and at a certain point you have to step back and say no, you won't let their words control you. Realise that whatever anybody says isn't just their reaction to you and your behaviour - but also everything else that is going on in their lives. Parents get scared, angry, insecure and just because they're parents doesn't mean they deal with it any better than you do. Just like you transfer frustrations to your horse your parents, teachers, friends - whatever - transfer it to you. You can't go through like taking on board everything everyone says, thinks or feels about you.

When I was in school, things got bad at home, at school, with friends and when I wasn't much old than you I dropped out, sold my horse and left home because I felt that as a failure I could never stay there - I thought things were as bad as they could get. I got a job and took care of myself even though I wasn't much more than a kid. And you know what? It wasn't the end of the world. Everything worked out in the end, I went to university, graduated, bought horses, traveled some of the world.

You'll never be able to control what others do, you can only control your actions, your thoughts, your feelings. You can control how you respond to things, and it's completely your choice. You can choose to study or not, you can choose to take on board everything your parents say or you can filter it. Whatever you do, right or wrong, it's your choice.

Sometimes the best thing to do is look at what people want, like your parents. They want good grades, they want chores. Well write down what you need to do (just for yourself). Do them before they complain, get into a routine that is your routine - what works for you. Sit in your room and study when you can, you don't have to have confrontation as part of your life. When they complain, yell or nag just let them, be silent, listen to what they say then let it go. Acknowledge what they say and move on, they can't argue with someone who won't argue.

And if you need someone to ask about your day, someone to talk to you, you can always come on here. Others have said you can PM them anytime - and same with me, you can PM me (or us) anytime and we'll ask how your day was

With the horse, you're right with a lot of stuff, go back to fun, easy riding, let go of his mouth and just try and stay present and not get angry.
Thank you for this amazing response, it is really helping. I'm trying to deal with everything, I really am. I let go of what the bullies said and everything. Even one that came up to me last week and basically made a discrete joke about my past, well the next day I acted friendly to him. Killing it with kindness. I feel so much better today. Sure I got a less than perfect grade on a test today, but there will always be another test. There will always be another day to improve upon. I'm just taking it one step at a time now
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post #38 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 05:50 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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You need help. Plain and simple. Look for teen support groups in your area. Check into anger management classes. A lot of schools offer them.

As for the riding. You need to be taken back to basics. By basics I mean back on the lunge line and your reins taken away and forced to do transitions with your seat only. You have no reins to hold onto and your hands are completely removed as an aid. I make my students stick their arms out to the side and do transitions using only their seat. It works wonders.
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post #39 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 05:54 PM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
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I would like to thank everyone for all of their support and advice. It's all really helping and today I ended up working 2 of my horses. One was stupid and decided to be dumb lunging, and ended up breaking a gate open and running back to the barn. I ran after him, grabbed him and headed to my neighbors round pen and made him work. By the end of it, I was tired and calmed down.

Afterwards I got on my boy, just with a neckrope and nothing else. I just walked, trotted, stopped and backed. It was so fun, and that's what all of my riding should be about. It was a blast for me.

I actually stumbled upon a blog today called badeventer.blogspot and looked at some of her pictures where her horse was at full stupid mode, and she still had a smile on her face. I want to be like that, and I used to be. That's what I want to work towards. Smiling and having a good time no matter what. I even looked back at some of my old pictures where my horse is going over a jump and I'm smiling; and those were the times where he would be galloping out of control. I'm really really trying to get where I used to be, and then work from there.
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post #40 of 65 Old 10-30-2013, 05:55 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Missouri
Posts: 17,077
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KylieHuitema View Post
I'm mad because my parents make it seem like I do everything wrong. It seems like my mom has only been talking to me lately if she is complaining. Why is your room so dirty? Why didn't you take care of your laundry yet? Why do you have a box of cheezits in your room? It's never, how was your day? My stepdad labels me as the terrible stepdaughter. He regularly threatens to kick me out of the house because I am so bad, even though I'm home every single night doing my homework, eating dinner with them, etc. I can never live up to his expectations. My dad constantly rags on me about my grades, even though I am still managing a good GPA. If I don't have a 4.0, he acts like I won't make it into college or have a fulfulling life. I am struggling in school and trying to learn what I don't get. I am trying so hard, but it seems like I'm just continuing to sink. Just yesterday I was taking a test that I didn't understand, and I was so mad. So mad I didn't understand anything. I scribbled some answers down, hurried to the bathroom and just sat there, wiping my eyes, thinking of how the heck I will explain the bad grade to my parents. I'm angry that my mom, that out of the 8 billion people in the world has a medical illness where she has to get her head cut open in 3 weeks. I'm mad at the doctor for saying "we are aiming to have you 83% normal afterwards. Seriously? 83%? Show me the math. I'm mad at my stepdad for being, basically verbally abusive towards my mom. I'm mad at the people who continuosly bully me in school.

Maybe all I want is a break from people constantly ragging on me. A break from all of the bad luck, all of the negativity. I know people have it worse off than me. I realize that. But I just want 5 minutes where I don't have to deal with everything.

It may be hard to believe, but usually I am the calmest person. I'm not someone that throws my anger out at people, usually I just keep it inside until I have a chance to lay in my bed and just let it out. I used to sit next to a creek for hours and just watch the water, and wait for one of the muskrats to swim by. I used to love art and just sit and doodle. But now I'm a stressed out, angry person. And I'm angry about that too.

Sorry that I just a major case of word diarrhea. I was half venting.


I am going to change. I'm promising myself that. As soon as I get home today, I'm going to finish chores up and ride. Just ride around the field, maybe down the road and enjoy myself. That's my goal. My farrier once told my that running helped her with her anger through a divorce. When she felt like getting in her car and driving to kill her husband, she would just run instead. I'm going to try that too.
Well I know exactly how you feel, and I had exactly the same reaction when I felt that way. I used to be an *** to this Haflinger I rode because she would just get under my skin and I was way stressed out and took it out on her. It was wrong, and now I couldn't dream of doing that to a horse. I was immature and completely abusive.

However, the way I changed was I saw she was only trying to do her best. I wasn't clear to her. I started to be more easy going on myself, didn't let what my parents said or did get to me. Once I started to be easier on myself and my parents... I became easier on my horse.

Ask yourself what you gain by lashing out. If you are going to lash out, help put away hay bales or scrub water buckets. Do something productive. Then treat riding as a gentle break from life.
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