Here is among my last updates.
Tonight I came home as quick as possible to get time to ride my boy. It's been pouring rain but it didn't stop me. He got saddled and bridled and I got on. Before I even got to the arena, I was chilled to the bone. Oh well. I got to warm him up, walk and stop and trot and stop, just transitions. Our arena was extremely mucky, oh well. I had a free jump line set up for a different horse, so I decided to just try going over it once. I felt him raise up and lock onto it, but he kept a solid, calm trot. He jumped, and I gave him the biggest crest release to date. He jumped the next, and we stopped. He got loved on, I was so happy. I asked for his bad lead cantering, and he picked it right up. He is always really rushy while cantering, and he was tonight, but I just shifted my weight back, telling him easy. He slowed way down, and even it was just for a half circle, we stopped and I was extremely happy. We began walking back to the barn and I did walk to stop transitions just by my seat. I'm extremely happy with the ride we had.
And I did thinking afterwards. I usually live by forgive and forget. Thing is, I can forgive myself but I will never be able to forget. I'm learning from these past mistakes. My old riding buddy used to stop me, mid abuse and talk me down and help me and my horse improve from where we were. That was 3 years ago. Just a few months ago she came back from a trainer's barn and told me a story of the trainer and her making a horse's mouth bleed, and said that "she had it coming". That could be me in a few months if I don't put a stop to this. I don't want to be known as the person on the circuit that abuses their horse. That's just not me.
I came here seeking advice, and that's what I'm getting. Some of it is not what I want to hear, but a lot of it is. I appreciate everyone that is trying to help. I'm sorry for some of the hostility I have bestowed upon some of you, I know you were in the best interest of my horse, as I am too. I know this is not a mental health forum, but I'm trying to seek help, heal and move on. I can't even begin to explain how stressful it is going through everyday wondering what the next day will hold for me, if I will get the same call I did a year ago, saying my mom was in the hospital. I know none of this will make up for my actions, or excuse them, but I am truly trying. I've never been so set on changing, mostly because I have support behind me.
I might as well wrap up with 5 good things of the day:
1. I made the robotics team for school.
2. I fit into a group of people for one of the first times this year in school.
3. I had a great ride on my horse today.
4. The weather was my favorite, rain.
5. I realized my stepdad does care, even if he is a butt most of the time.
1 bad thing:
I didn't realize the changes I could make in my life so easily until now. I listened to a guy talk about how robotics helped him open up to people and realize the world isn't as bad as it seems. I feel like I finally have a group of people around me that are willing to listen and help. I feel like it's going to get better here on out, as long as I keep trying, and I'm going to.
Thank you all.