A bundle of emotions
I'm beyond nervous for the first show of the season (May, for us). I know Rainy will be fine as far as getting there and standing around in a new environment- she's calm as anything at shows. But she's had such an aditude lately that I'm worried she'll be flipping out there. And under saddle she's been a cow and doesn't listen, doesn't respond, rushes off no matter how much lunging we did beforehand to burn off some of her energy. She always finds more. She isn't setting her head like she used to, and everytime we ride it feels like we're slipping down a steep slope. I really want to show this year, but at the same time, I feel like we need so much work. And whenever I talk to my instructor/coach about it, she sort of brushes it off, like I'm being irrational or like I don't understand what I'm talking about. I know I need to grow a backbone and just tell her I need help, but it's difficult for my ego to do. I hate admitting I can't do something, especially when it comes to my horse, but I feel like we won't be ready for shows if I don't. I have lessons Monday, and I'm planning on talking to her then, but I don't know what else I can do. Quite frankly, though I haven't taken a bad fall, Rainy's not bucking or rearing, my confidence with her is shot to pieces. I feel like I can't claim to be a good rider when I barely feel in control when working with her. I need help. I would love to send her to a trainer, or even just have private lessons, like everyone else who boards at Xanadu, but my family and I can't pay for that. We just don't have the money right now. And it kills me to not be able to deal with my horse like I should, and makes me feel like I shouldn't have her, because I'm not a good enough rider to help her. I just don't know what to do anymore.
And no, this isn't me trying to fish for compliments. I truly feel right now that I'm not a good enough rider for Rainy.