"Grass is greener" syndrome and finding "the one" - Page 3 - The Horse Forum
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post #21 of 34 Old 04-14-2013, 07:36 PM
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: South East Texas
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I'm going a little bit away from what everyone else is saying, so ignore me if you want ;)

I think that the biggest problem for most people is that they expect the bond to be the same, no matter what horse it is. After feeling that first significant bond with a horse in the past, or even one that you're working with now, your mind immediately goes 'oh wait, it doesn't feel like this when I'm working with ____ but it did/does with _____. _____ and I must not be bonding!'

In reality though, we have to realize something. We can not expect the bond to be the same between different horses! As an avid equestian, I'm sure that you've noticed that no horse has the same personality. Some of them thrive on human contact, some don't. Some love to work for you, some don't. Some of them are curious, others don't really care unless they are in danger. That is what makes horse ownership so amazing. Part of owning the horse is discovering it's personality. I venture to think that their bond with us must be different as well, depending on their personality, your personality, and how they 'mesh' together.

For example. I have a miniature horse mare named Sour. Sour has an EXTREMELY alpha-mare personality, and she is the opposite of touchy-feely. There is no end to mare glare faces if I try to brush her or love on her for too long, and she has no interest in just hanging out with me. That used to make me think that she hated me, and that we would never form a bond because she just plain didn't like me. This seemed to be confirmed by her agressiveness towards everyone. After years of battling her with personality and clashing with her though, I realized that all she wanted was a job. After I gave her one (driving), her personality did a complete 180, within just a few weeks! She still hates being 'loved on' and doesn't particularly enjoy company if we're doing nothing, but she and I have a working bond, and it is perfect for us. We 'bond' by learning new things together, and she loves it. She went from impossible to catch to being the first in line to be caught. It was insane. She is a VERY intelligent animal and wants to use her brain. But if I don't give her a goal or a job, and I am not 100% clear about the fact that I am in charge, she'll spend all day challenging me for my position and being a complete witch.

Opposite of that is the foster filly I'm working with. Long story short, I pretty much saved her life and she sees me as her 'protector.' She's still a baby, so there is no room for a working relationship like the one I have with Sour, so I figured I wouldn't bond with her. Wrong. Instead of a working bond, we have a 'provider' bond. Kenzie is a bit of an airhead at times and she's quite spooky, but she recognizes me as her supplier and as the person that can make things better. It is not in any way the same to me, and it took me a little while to realize what it was, but its there.

I didn't say any of that to guilt you about the idea of selling Ronan, so don't take it that way. I just think that it is good to just make sure that you aren't overlooking an already existant bond, maybe because you are comparing it to the one you had with the stallion.

After thinking about that, if you are still not happy, thats ok. Sell him if you feel like its the best idea, and perhaps look for a horse that can give you the same bond that the stallion did. Just realize that you might never find it, and its a risk you would have to take, because bonds take time. You might loose what you DO have with Ronan and never find 'that' horse that can give you the bond type that you want. Opposite of that though, maybe there is the perfect horse for you, waiting for you to find it. Its just one of lifes gambles, and you have to decide whether you want to play or not!

Everyone in your life is meant to
be in your journey, but not all of
them are meant to stay till the end.
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post #22 of 34 Old 04-14-2013, 07:42 PM
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
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Another thought, geldings see to have a different personality from mares and stallions, to me geldings are often your friend, a mare or a stallion often have an edge that makes them different.

Love my Arab mares, they have a spark
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“Never attribute to malice that which can be attributed to stupidity”
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post #23 of 34 Old 04-14-2013, 08:59 PM
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I like what Endiku said about different types of bonds. When I first got Misty I desperately wanted what you, OP, described with Duke. I also wanted to be able to love on her and snuggle with her etc.

I thought we would NEVER click and it took me a while to eventually realise that I was the reason we weren't clicking. I was wanting her to be something else. Once I realised she was not interested in cuddles then it sort of changed the way I was thinking. Just because she hated being tickled and petted, didn't mean she didn't like being with me.

Just because she wasn't the sort of horse I had in mind, the sort of horses I'd ridden before, didn't mean she wasn't awesome in her own way.

It took us a long time to be able to "get" each other and after that it was awesome, we finally clicked!

Obviously that's a slightly different situation to yours OP but the point is, maybe you just need a little more time with your horse to fully understand each other.

If you're not passionate about jumping and you don't want to do it, then maybe you need to sell him to someone who will do what he enjoys to make him happy. You don't want to be doing what you DON'T like.

But if it is only a matter of "getting to know each other" a bit better then perhaps you need to give it a little longer. Misty and I took a couple of years to finally click, but now, 9 years on and my heart is shattered that she passed away in November. I regret every little moment that wasn't spent with her.

I hope I'm making sense and not just rambling!
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Satin Reign aka "Misty"... my life, my love, my everything.
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post #24 of 34 Old 04-14-2013, 09:11 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
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Haha so much to catch up on!! Thank you all for your time in replying. I will have a full keyboard soon and be able to reply in length...

Erm I just want to clear the air of one thing... I'm a hunter/jumper, focusing on jumpers. My goal with Ro at the moment is the 1.10m jumpers, for now. I just believe in dressage as a basis for training hence the username. Sorry!!! I hope that helps!
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post #25 of 34 Old 04-14-2013, 09:21 PM
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Did someone say cookies????

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post #26 of 34 Old 04-14-2013, 09:43 PM
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I have ridden quite a few horses over the years that I have been riding, some I loved, some I hated and some we just ok. There were a few horses that I got a special feeling while riding, I wouldn't call it a bond though. I feel it was more that their learning style really clicked with my teaching style. Everybody moves differently in the saddle, does the same thing in just a slightly different way and teaches slightly differently. I believe that 'click' or 'bond' or whatever you want to call it comes when you start riding a horse that responds to your unique teaching style.
Of all the horses I have trained, I have always accomplished what I have set out to do (be it alone or enlisting the help of someone more knowledgeable than me) some horses took longer, some picked things up much quicker than I ever planned and some I really had to change my ways of thinking.
When you meet a horse that responds well to the way you train (what it sounds like you had with your trainer's horse) it is an amazing feeling! On certain days I would trade all 3 of the horses I own right now to find one that I clicked with like that. But for me the challenge come from learning how to create that click by finding new ways to train and interact with the horse.
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post #27 of 34 Old 04-15-2013, 08:59 AM
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
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His personality doesn't fit you. I get bored with "yes ma'am" horses as well. I need a horse who thinks for themselves and we have to strike an agreement for anything to happen. You're just ready to move on.
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post #28 of 34 Old 04-16-2013, 12:25 AM Thread Starter
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Thank you very much, again, to everyone that replied. I truly thank you for your time and words. I was messaging a few people back and forth and found that I ran out of words to say yesterday - it's not that I didn't want to reply, it's that I didn't feel I had a reply of any quality left in me.
I'm very very confused over everything. You all have posted such helpful information, and I thank you guys so much.
Part of me says "what the hell are you thinking? Ronan is safe, sound, sane, honest, etc... why would you give that up?!" The other part of me is saying "life is too short to spend on a horse that you don't LOVE riding."
Ronan is an easy ride in the sense that you can ride him on the buckle at any gait, point him at any fence and he'll go. He's safe. He's sane. But he's also a TON of horse to hold together and connect back to front, and it seems to be a constant battle for me to create that "spark" as well as keep it contained. He gives just as much as I ask, but doesn't have that "uumph" to say "OH! Yes! Lightness! Self carriage! Gotcha!" So he can be a frustrating ride for me because I am frustrated at other things as well.

Anyways - that's a LOT of word vomit, my apologies. Thank you all for replying, you've all given me a lot to think about and consider.
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post #29 of 34 Old 04-16-2013, 12:28 AM
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Missouri
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Just make sure you ask yourself how you would feel if you parted with him. Is this just a phase of a sticky time with a horse that maybe isn't trying as fiercely as you'd like.. or is this a time to find another horse.

"Strength is the ability to use a muscle without tension"
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post #30 of 34 Old 04-16-2013, 12:48 AM
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Wisconsin
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I am a total believer in a horse and rider bond. I bond with my horse and the old saying 'Sometimes the horse picks the rider"., is true.
I think that you just are missing Duke.
If you feel that you aren't bonding try the Monty Roberts Join Up. It works.

Even Jesus Loves horses, He is coming back on one.
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