Help me convince my BF - Page 2 - The Horse Forum
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post #11 of 56 Old 10-10-2013, 04:30 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by DancingArabian View Post
First, while knowing a horse's history might help, it will not guarantee that you will not get thrown or fall. The history only covers the past. The present could have something that causes you to hit the ground.

Second, its concerning that your boyfriend thinks he can allow or disallow you things and that you're okay with it. This is how many abusers start - by limiting your enjoyment of life. He could be totally coming from a good place given your medical issues but it's something that is a red flag.
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I know that history isnt everything, but it is allot safer than getting on a horse with an questionable past and accidentally setting them off because u didn't know they were sensitive about some action that you did
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post #12 of 56 Old 10-10-2013, 04:42 PM
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He "Won't *allow* you?" Excuse me? That is not okay. One person in a relationship doesn't ALLOW the other person to do things. You discuss it, the pros and cons, and you come to a mutual decision. I mean, if he was severely allergic to animals I could maybe see it. But as long as it's still your own money, you're not sharing funds yet, and you can do the work yourself go for it.

Once you start sharing funds and have mutual expenses, then it's something you will have to talk about - since that money will go for both of your bills, food, rent, etc. But if it's YOUR money and YOU can afford it and want it, then DO IT.

I'm an animal lover. I can't NOT have animals. I plan to live on a farm. This is a huge part of my future, and if my SO wasn't okay with that honestly it might be a dealbreaker for me. Luckily, he's all for it, but we talk over our major purchases, the future, etc and plan it all out. If this is important to you DON'T let him take that away. Ask him WHY he is so against it. He's got to have reasons for it, and "I don't like animals" isn't good enough. Figure out why, and then figure out rebuttals and reasons to try to open his eyes.

ETA: I agree with the 'be careful' bit. I know you've heard it and probably don't agree but THIS is how abuse starts. Control. First you can't do this, then that, then go out, and then he wants your email password, etc. Just please be careful.
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Last edited by Shoebox; 10-10-2013 at 04:47 PM.
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post #13 of 56 Old 10-10-2013, 04:44 PM
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If you were my daughter I would do my best to convince you to run not walk away from this controlling jerk. As others have stated abusers often start this way.
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post #14 of 56 Old 10-10-2013, 04:52 PM Thread Starter
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Guys he isn't saying I cant have a horse, he is just saying I cant buy one, So i could rescue one, be given one, find one wandering wild in a field and catch it...

he is big on rescue and i get that, but for my first horse that isn't the path i want to take just because of how many uncertainties and problems you can have with a horse whose history you might not fully know and whose problems may not be known

We're working on it, and im slowly plugging away at his no animal purchases mindset but i was hoping for a way to make it faster, just now actually i was able to make a comment about buying a horse in the future and he didn't feel the need to squawk at the buying part. so i may be wearing him down faster than i thought i was.

he is a stubborn momma's boy who is use to having his way. I've put a lot of effort into helping him realize how the real world works and getting him to move out of mommas house no matter how upset she got. we're making progress slowly but surely. I promise you he isn't abusive and is actually the sweetest guy i ever met, he is just a big stubborn mommas boy who needs some tweaking in how he sees things which takes time, but he is learning

and we will always have separate finances according to him because he watching joint accounts and such destroy his parents relationship so he doesn't want to go down that path, don't ask me how we are going to split things, cause I'm not really sure how that will work yet, someone will most likely end up having to pay rent, but as i have found with him, and oddly enough stubborn horses a little steady persistence and redirection get through to him eventually

Last edited by Winterose; 10-10-2013 at 04:55 PM.
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post #15 of 56 Old 10-10-2013, 05:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Winterose View Post

My boyfriend ... is 100% against purchasing animals at all, and says im not allowed to.

is there anything you guys can think of ........
Yes, find a new boyfriend. God help the man that tells me "I'm not ALLOWED" to do anything. Just ask my hubby of 23 years.
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post #16 of 56 Old 10-10-2013, 05:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Winterose View Post
Guys he isn't saying I cant have a horse, he is just saying I cant buy one, So i could rescue one, be given one, find one wandering wild in a field and catch it...

he is big on rescue and i get that, but for my first horse that isn't the path i want to take just because of how many uncertainties and problems you can have with a horse whose history you might not fully know and whose problems may not be known

We're working on it, and im slowly plugging away at his no animal purchases mindset but i was hoping for a way to make it faster, just now actually i was able to make a comment about buying a horse in the future and he didn't feel the need to squawk at the buying part. so i may be wearing him down faster than i thought i was.

he is a stubborn momma's boy who is use to having his way. I've put a lot of effort into helping him realize how the real world works and getting him to move out of mommas house no matter how upset she got. we're making progress slowly but surely. I promise you he isn't abusive and is actually the sweetest guy i ever met, he is just a big stubborn mommas boy who needs some tweaking in how he sees things which takes time, but he is learning

and we will always have separate finances according to him because he watching joint accounts and such destroy his parents relationship so he doesn't want to go down that path, don't ask me how we are going to split things, cause I'm not really sure how that will work yet, someone will most likely end up having to pay rent, but as i have found with him, and oddly enough stubborn horses a little steady persistence and redirection get through to him eventually
This changes the game a little bit. I was under the impression that he was refusing to let you have animals, period, no matter what. Still, it's a bit strange to be 100% against buying a horse, especially given your reasoning.

Have you thought about rescuing a foal? They turn up every so often at auctions or rescues, a mare with her foal. You could rescue the foal and send it for training - if it's gotten so young there's not been enough time for it to develop crazy habits. Otherwise, I do think you should look for a solid, well broke horse to buy. I think the only thing you can do is keep explaining your reasoning - it's for your safety at this point. Explain the ticks, habits, traumas that auction horses can have, and you just can't predict them - and for you that just isn't safe. And good luck, I hope you make some progress!
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post #17 of 56 Old 10-10-2013, 05:13 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Shoebox View Post
This changes the game a little bit. I was under the impression that he was refusing to let you have animals, period, no matter what. Still, it's a bit strange to be 100% against buying a horse, especially given your reasoning.

Have you thought about rescuing a foal? They turn up every so often at auctions or rescues, a mare with her foal. You could rescue the foal and send it for training - if it's gotten so young there's not been enough time for it to develop crazy habits. Otherwise, I do think you should look for a solid, well broke horse to buy. I think the only thing you can do is keep explaining your reasoning - it's for your safety at this point. Explain the ticks, habits, traumas that auction horses can have, and you just can't predict them - and for you that just isn't safe. And good luck, I hope you make some progress!
I have, and i will keep an eye out when I do go t get my horse, i would just worry cause im a larger rider, 5 foot 11 and 230lbs so i would need to make sure that the foal would grow large enough for me to ride. and I am not sure if it is just around here but allot of the rescues with foals will not let them go before they are trained in the discipline you want, meaning i would adopt the foal and then have to wait a long time before i could get my horse and what if i had my own trainer who i wanted to use... doesn't make sense to me but as i get closer to getting my own horse i will be expanding out and maybe farther out rescues work a little differently
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post #18 of 56 Old 10-10-2013, 05:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Winterose View Post
Guys he isn't saying I cant have a horse, he is just saying I cant buy one, So i could rescue one, be given one, find one wandering wild in a field and catch it...

he is big on rescue and i get that, but for my first horse that isn't the path i want to take just because of how many uncertainties and problems you can have with a horse whose history you might not fully know and whose problems may not be known

We're working on it, and im slowly plugging away at his no animal purchases mindset but i was hoping for a way to make it faster, just now actually i was able to make a comment about buying a horse in the future and he didn't feel the need to squawk at the buying part. so i may be wearing him down faster than i thought i was.

he is a stubborn momma's boy who is use to having his way. I've put a lot of effort into helping him realize how the real world works and getting him to move out of mommas house no matter how upset she got. we're making progress slowly but surely. I promise you he isn't abusive and is actually the sweetest guy i ever met, he is just a big stubborn mommas boy who needs some tweaking in how he sees things which takes time, but he is learning

and we will always have separate finances according to him because he watching joint accounts and such destroy his parents relationship so he doesn't want to go down that path, don't ask me how we are going to split things, cause I'm not really sure how that will work yet, someone will most likely end up having to pay rent, but as i have found with him, and oddly enough stubborn horses a little steady persistence and redirection get through to him eventually
I don't care WHY he says you can't buy a horse, he's saying you can't.........something. That is just totally unacceptable. He may say, "I prefer we rescue the animal." or "We may not have a purchase in the budget for a while.". But to tell you you MAY not do anything is not in any man's purview. This is not Victorian or Edwardian England. When a man says, "You can't" or 'You may not", he's not giving you room to have an opinion and he is belittling your right to think for yourself. NOT allowed in my life, period. Marriage, and relationships as a whole, are a series of negotiations and concessions, but never a series of demands or edicts. A healthy relationship can't survive in those conditions. So, the horse is actually the least part of the problem.

I get that some people are totally into rescue, some folks are totally into vegetarianism. I'm not into either and I would not accept someone telling me I was no longer allowed to buy meat at the grocery store....if you want to put the problem another way. It's all about forcing your beliefs on someone else.

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post #19 of 56 Old 10-10-2013, 05:58 PM
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Ok, I'm not going to tell you to get a different boyfriend or that his a jerk or that you should just ignore him, etc...... That's not how to have a good relationship. I'm sure if he was looking to spend a lot of money on a Rolls you'd be saying that a Chevy will work just as well . That's how people who have relationships work, but I'm not going to get into all that. I've dumped two wives, kept the children, the house (and the money ) because they thought they could just do what they wanted and ignore what was in the best interest of the family and relationship.
Besides what everyone else seems to have overlooked is that you've gone over this together. You dictated your terms (you're going to adopt pretty much every animal that's available and doesn't have a home ) and taking into account the demands you've made he's dictated his terms (ok, but you can't buy one). Seems you've reasoned things out. If you don't like his terms then you might want change your terms .

Remember, you set your terms and if you're going to be together then it's not unreasonable for him to set his.

As for your boyfriend's demands. There are a few things to consider.
1. Males in general tend to be logical (life is not a Disney movie). You've dictated your terms..."you're going to adopt pretty much every animal that's available and doesn't have a home". That's going to run into money. As I tell people who ask me what a fair price is for a horse....."$20,000, because it's not what you pay for the horse it's what you pay after you get it so if you can afford to dump $20,000 on the horse you can usually afford to keep it". To a man the logical thing is if you're going to get all these rescues anyway and we're going to be shelling out to keep all these animals then "buying" one is crazy.
2. If you don't want to have a guy who's going to potential disagree with you at times or give you counter terms based on the conditions you set then you need to forget being in a serious long term relationship with a man or find one that is (let's say this nicely) hen pecked and will let you do whatever you want and not have (or at least not express) a difference of opinion.

Be VERY glad you weren't dictating your terms to a guy like me . I'd tell you ok, fine, but you better have enough money to cover the cost and you may as well name any pigs: ham, bacon or pork chop; any goats: tagine; any sheep: curry; any chicken that doesn't lay eggs: cog au vin (my favorite chicken dish) and other menu items for whatever we adopt. If I was going to have to deal with the feed, crap, fencing, housing, maintaining in general (not to mention vet bills) then I'd be expecting a nice return at meal time for my investment .

All things consider.....under the terms he's been given I'm not sure I'd want to change your boyfriends mind .
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They're always going to be bigger and stronger so you better always be smarter. (One of my grandfather's many pearls of wisdom)
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post #20 of 56 Old 10-10-2013, 06:07 PM
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I think that your boyfriend is your business. I would not want a relationship in which one party dictated things to another, its an equal partnership and we should discuss things. I am also single so that makes the whole equal partnership thing easier.

I think you have to consider his point of view. If you have a medical condition and are wanting a safe horse I don't know that a young horse to send to training is the right idea. You want an older, steady eddy who has been there and done that, the kind of horse you could find from a rescue. Lets face it even a young trained horse can seriously injure those in the best of health.

I think you have to discuss with your boyfriend the pros and cons of adoption. You have to encourage him to be open to the idea of you buying a healthy, experienced horse who is going to provide you with a safe riding experience. Young and calm does not mean you are not going to end up on your head and not all rescue horses have dark damaged pasts. There are a number of lovely, older horses that have ended up at rescue due to owners passing away, financial troubles or riders out aging the horse. I think its better to set your heart on the right horse for you than to limit your search to just horses for sale or only rescues.
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