How can I tell the lady at the barn I don't want to hear her stories? - Page 4 - The Horse Forum
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post #31 of 38 Old 12-01-2010, 09:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Citrus View Post
Does anyone have an idea on how to politely let her know I just want to work with my horse? I don't want to be mean nor do I not want to ever talk to her.

I think you did not pay attention to the grammar in that sentence.... it is a double negative, but broken down, carry the "I don't" to the subject of the second part of the sentence to make "I don't not want to ever talk to her...." cancel the negatives and it says "I do want to...." sorry for the confusion.

The rest of your post sounded less than pleasant. I am a nice person who does anything possible not to hurt peoples feelings, but I also need my time. I would expect that if someone wanted me the same space from me, they would tell me nicely, out of common courtesy.
My point is be honest with her. I am 54 years old and have never been one to beat around the bush. Some people appreciate honesty others don't. What is wrong with telling her that while you appreciate the fact that she wants to be chatty, you are there to spend time with your horse.

Why do you have to make excuses? Turn on a ipod or pretend to get a phone call? If you are worried about it being mean, I don't know if there is any way you can tell her without offending her or making her feel like you don't care for her. I would be honest and at least have that going for me.
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post #32 of 38 Old 12-01-2010, 10:43 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by WickedNag View Post
My point is be honest with her. I am 54 years old and have never been one to beat around the bush. Some people appreciate honesty others don't. What is wrong with telling her that while you appreciate the fact that she wants to be chatty, you are there to spend time with your horse.

Why do you have to make excuses? Turn on a ipod or pretend to get a phone call? If you are worried about it being mean, I don't know if there is any way you can tell her without offending her or making her feel like you don't care for her. I would be honest and at least have that going for me.
I don't know where I made excuses, so would you mind showing me what you interpreted as an excuse? I intend to be honest, but at the same time, I want to be kind. I know that I cannot control how she reacts, which is all the more reason I want to be as gentle as possible.

"Equine-facilitated therapy employs a form of biofeedback for practicing self-awareness, emotional management, and relationship skills that human role-playing exercises and discussion groups cannot begin to access." Linda Kohanov (The Tao of Equus)
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post #33 of 38 Old 12-01-2010, 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Citrus View Post
I don't know where I made excuses, so would you mind showing me what you interpreted as an excuse? I intend to be honest, but at the same time, I want to be kind. I know that I cannot control how she reacts, which is all the more reason I want to be as gentle as possible.
I didn't say you made excuses, they were suggested. Ie using an ipod or pretending the phone was ringing. I simply stated not to use excuses but be honest. Just simply tell her.. excuse me but this is my time with my horse. When I am done if I have time to visit I will come find you and we can chat.
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post #34 of 38 Old 12-01-2010, 10:50 AM Thread Starter
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Tact means being discriminating about what we say. It means that before we speak we consider the effect on other people and we choose our words wisely and well.


Tact is what allows us to honor both honesty and compassion in difficult conversations. It lets us speak truth in ways that other people are able to hear without becoming too threatened or hurt. To be tactful means choosing our timing as well as our words. Tact requires that we put ourselves in another person’s place and think about their circumstances and feelings.Tact Quotes | Wisdom Commons

I think there is a big difference between being abrasively honest and tactfully honest.... and I most often find that people who give themselvs permission to say exactly what they think at all times, are brutal and aggressive. When someone says to me "I am honest and some people don't like that", I doubt that. Everyone wants and desires honesty, but they may not like how little thought was put into how the honesty was presented. You could say "I don't like you hair- it looks awful." or your could say "Your hairstyle is not my favorite, I like it better the other way". Clearly both convey the same point, but one is gentle.....

Wickednag, I think you and I have differing opinions on this, so lets just agree to disagree :)

"Equine-facilitated therapy employs a form of biofeedback for practicing self-awareness, emotional management, and relationship skills that human role-playing exercises and discussion groups cannot begin to access." Linda Kohanov (The Tao of Equus)
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post #35 of 38 Old 12-01-2010, 11:06 AM
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Wickednag, I think you and I have differing opinions on this, so lets just agree to disagree :)
And I think this is reading wrong. I am telling you to be honest. I didn't intend that you be brutally honest but tackfully honest :) I think you can do that and I think it is better than the suggestions of pretending the phone is ringing :)
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post #36 of 38 Old 12-01-2010, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Citrus View Post
My intention is not to be mean, but I do need to set a boundary with her so my entire time with my own horse is not taken up with her right next to me telling me about her horse.... I appreciate that she wants to share, but I am not there for her.... I am there for me and my horse :)
Say exactly that. "I'd love to chat but I get so little time with my horse. It's my time to unwind and destress".

Years ago I had a boarder bite my head off. She'd had a bad day and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I completely understand. Since that time I tell new boarders - you are here to see your horse - not me. I am happy to chat but I will not monopolize your time. It's also a hint that sometimes I just want to ride my horse . . .

I've learned to keep going about my business when the chatty gals are at the barn. Some follow me around while I am doing chores. But I keep moving!
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post #37 of 38 Old 12-01-2010, 11:31 AM
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AAAARGH I can't STAND those types And they are everywhere - at the water cooler at work, at the family reunion, at friends weddings, standing in line at the DPS, sitting in your Economics class.... the list goes on.

They are the people who completely lack the ability to read other peoples reactions to them i.e. They can talk incessantly without ever realizing that their audience is not only NOT a captive audience, the audience is actually under considerable duress being forced to listen to their inane babble.

I actually have a theory: Such people are so used to others trying to avoid them, ending conversations abruptly, walking away mid sentence and acting bored whilst listening that these people actually no longer recognize the signs to STOP PURSUING THE CONVERSATION!!!

My approach (no one has to agree with me here) is actually to be dismissive almost to the point of being rude to really get the point across as being subtle is clearly not the answer. It is a trade off for me: What is worse? Having to suffer through a conversation I don't have time for or having someone who has no real impact on my life thinking I am a bit of a rude b*itch?

I am more than comfortable being thought of as a rude b*tch by people who don't matter to me than I am pretending to be interested in something I really don't care about.

I also hate small talk

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post #38 of 38 Old 12-01-2010, 02:27 PM
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Haha I can give some insight from the other side of the tracks. I am one who is over talkative when nervous, when excited, when something new or different happens, or when I meet new people (basically all the time lol). Sometimes I need the "I really have a time limit, but I will talk to you later" to snap me out of my being nervous or whatever, and give breathe and relax, so next time I see them, I can make sure to ask THEM what is going on ect, and listen to them talk. As long as you don't shut her down completely, but just kindly explain that you just want to spend some time with your horse, or whatever, I think that she will be fine. If she's just trying to fit in, in a few weeks, she'll calm down a bit, and/or run out of stories, and you can start actually sitting and talking with her or whatever without being stuck there until she's quiet. I personally would much rather hear a "I've got a time limit, or just want to spend some time with my horse, I'll catch you later", then an obvious show of putting in earphones, or answering a phone that didn't ring. As long as you follow through occasionally, and go up to her when you have time, and ask her to tell you the story, or ask her whats going on, I think that would be a better approach.
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