I thank everyone for their well wishes and thoughts. I really do appreciate it particularly because I'm aware it all comes off as whining. At least to me it sure does.
I'll just respond to all the people who think there is something I haven't tried: probably not.
Yes, I've had a full blood work-up, way beyond the regular blood panel, special lab work, everything. Sleep disorder? No, did the sleep test. Will acupuncture, graduated exercise, meditation, naturopathic medicine, homeopathy, special diets, vitamins, chemicals, herbs, toxin cleansing, positive thinking, or invoking native deities with chanting and smoke have any effect at all? No.
I've been so far outside the box I could see the earth rise from behind the moon. Nothing works.
I am not depressed (angry and despairing, yes, but those are quite different), so antidepressants don't help. I do not have low thyroid, and as far as Lyme goes, I do have Lyme antibodies, it was undiagnosed and untreated, it was probably the precipitating factor, but at this point, probably fifteen years later, it is apparently not treatable. In any case, I do not tolerate a lot of medications including many antibiotics (one doctor tried a course of whatever they treat Lyme with, I gave up after one dose). They make me really sick. They didn't before, now they do.
In fact, one of the accompanying symptoms is that I have become generally sensitive to, I kid you not, everything. I was always a kind of sensitive person but now, loud music, a busy store, a grain of sand in my sock, biting down on a piece of gristle, a stranger standing too close to me, the smell of gasoline, being too hot or too cold, you name it, and I feel like I am going to scream or jump out of my skin. I know this is too much information. And I know it's irritating to everyone else, like I'm this precious flower too delicate for this world. I hate being a precious flower.
, yes that is one of the really difficult parts, the way no one seems to get it. My family of origin, for example, refuses to even remember it after more than a decade ("what, tired again? How come you're so tired?"), some of them insinuating I am just pretending to be tired to get out of family obligations (why 3000 miles is just about the right distance from them). The only friends who sympathize are those with chronic medical problems of their own. The healthy simply do not recognize it. I fully admit being tired sure sounds a lame excuse for not showing up, joining in or signing up. I cannot guarantee I will be well enough to do anything at all, so I can't make plans or commit to anything. I can't volunteer to help, I can't say gosh, thanks for inviting me I'd love to. I have had to bail so many times and I hate, I cannot say how much I hate, letting people down or breaking a promise.
Really though, if trailering my horse was as simple as throwing my tack into my truck, loading up, sailing down the road, and unloading at my destination with my calm horse, my life with horses would no doubt be different. Of course, to me, planning is stressful, driving is stressful, going to a new destination is stressful, driving even an empty trailer is stressful, so adding a jumpy horse who bangs around destroying things inside my trailer and unloads soaking wet, is just the weight on top of all the other weights that topples the whole edifice to the ground.
What helps is acceptance. Continually reminding myself that what others find challenging I often find impossible, and what they find pleasantly stimulating I find overwhelming, and what they find normal I find challenging, and that is not going to be altered by wanting it to not be true. It is only dispiriting to want things I can't have, to keep trying and failing. Not good at failure. Instead, guiding myself only by what I can do, not what others can, nor what I used to be able to do, nor what I so wish I could it seems my wishes must make it so. My wishes will not cure me.
What else helps: eating well, getting enough sleep, are foundational to any hope of functionality. Never doing two things without a rest in between them. Planning for a day of doing virtually nothing after what normal people call a normal day. Taking time for beauty -- watching the fireflies, the clouds, the birds at the feeder. Avoiding stress as much as it is possible to do. Not attempting what is too hard. When I am forced to abandon projects in the middle and let them die, it just breaks my spirit. Accepting that everything I do goes slowly, that I can get a moderate amount done if I do a little bit at a time. When I get to ride my horse it always makes me happy. Even with all the &*#@ deerflies right now. Still makes me happy.