Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: New South Wales, Australia
I think I have gained about 15kgs since I stopped riding, which is heaps. I feel horrible about myself everyday, but I am doing better.
I had a horse kind of for a bit since I gave it up. But it was the wrong horse for me, an unhandled/practically untouched 3ish year old. I had hardly any facilities, money or time. It was my only hobby and I wanted to have fun, which that horse was not. It also turned out to have a long term injury, a fact the PO had hidden from me, which, until I found out, made all my training not work ie. lunging, saddling, even picking up feet. It was so frustrating, and I felt horrible later on, but I just kept trying and it kept not working. My fault for not getting a vet check etc. So that kind of burnt me. I gave the horse away to someone who had the time and money to rehabilitate it and train it. I didn't like working with that horse, as she was difficult, somewhat unkind and there were heaps of underlying problems, she wasn't vicious but when I pushed her to do things (round yard) she got kicky (would try and back into me) and that made me nervous. I'm fine with horses generally, and I deal well with horses that need training, or general misbehaviour, but horses that can be almost dangerous make me really uncomfortable. I'm experienced with young horses, but don't have others to help me or facilities to rely on, which I find can be invaluable.
I'm afraid that if I get another horse I won't like it either. I love riding them, and seeing them, and being with them. More importantly its the bond that I feel with the animal. I've ridden many horses belonging to others, and its not the same as owning your own. Knowing you are responsible for them, and trusting them not to hurt you, even though they could. Being aware of another, fully, trying to see what they see, hear what they hear, so you can discover how they will respond. I ride horses now sometimes, but I want my own to learn about.
I just don't want to get my own, and then find out that I don't want it. Or something. If that makes sense. That my life doesn't work with it, even though I don't have a life right now. Things weren't great with my last one, and I don't feel good about it. If I get a horse again I know i'll fork out some more cash and get one I like, and that suits me. Maybe a 5 or 6 year old who is regularly handled and has a couple of years under its belt. Even if its just in stockwork. Training doesn't bother me, but I want to have fun.
I'm sick of not being anywhere, and not really having or wanting anything. I'm sick of not having goals and dreams. Horses make me have goals and dreams (however far fetched - Badminton here I come!), but I'm afraid if I find horses don't work I'll have nothing. But I can't understand how they couldn't work, because they make me happy.