Imaginary Day From Hell - Any Horse Event - Page 5 - The Horse Forum
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post #41 of 50 Old 02-21-2019, 08:00 PM
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They make a camping gadget for women as well. I imagine it is fairly effective--you can pee standing up. The trouble comes because you cannot set it down without it tipping. So, after you've used it, what do you do with it? I gave it to Good Will.

This was not a ride from hell. It was pretty funny, and I laughed at the time, which infuriated my husband. We were riding those gorgeous trails next to my friend's farm in Virginia. I just loved going there. My husband carved our initials on a tree in our secret picnic spot, and after our son was born, we put his initials on that heart as well.

But, the very first time I brought my husband to those impressive trails, we had a bit of a problem. It was April in Northern Virginia, and the temperature was around 50 degrees F, 10 C, lovely weather for riding. Whenever I would trailer to these trails, they would be changed, particularly the way to get to them from my friend's farm.

So, this time, the way I had been going was closed off because a new house was being built there. We tried several of the old ways, but they were all impassible. I knew the general direction we needed to go to get to the spectacular trails, but we were surely having a hard time getting through. I knew if we crossed a certain creek and went up a very steep hill, the trail would be on the other side, so we headed into the creek. The bottom of that creek was quite rocky. My good Shadow crossed over the rocks and started up the hill. My future husband followed on my other good trail steady mare. But my husband's mare set her foot on a rock under the water that teetered and fell, and my good steady mare fell into the water, soaking my husband. It was such a funny slow sinking fall, with mare and man's faces utter surprise that I burst out laughing. My husband was not amused. He was soaked and it was not warm. I was fully ready to go back to the trailers and give up the ride, but he insisted on riding out 2 more hours, soaking wet. The lovely trail, was indeed, on the other side of the hill, spectacular as ever. I don't think he had all that much fun.
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post #42 of 50 Old 02-22-2019, 12:42 PM
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LOL when I had Leroy, he was a hardheaded, straight line thinker. He was a HORRIBLE trail horse. Lazy, prone to dragging his feet, and if a cow trail went under a red cedar, a honey locust or a bois d'arc tree, and if he could walk under said tree to stay on the trail or hug the trail around said tree, he would. Nevermind the hooman on his back. Pfft. Whatever human.

He would. not. let me steer him AROUND anything. Nope. He would brace against the bit, and the muscles in his neck would swell... and we were by. god. going. his. way. and we were by. god. staying. on THIS trail, no matter what. He was an equine bulldozer. He was even yellow.

He was exhausting to ride because it was a constant fight with him. He would fight his rider (me) SO HARD he would either plow headlong, at speed, into a tree trunk, or stumble and fall down, or THROW himself down, because he was fighting me so hard to do it his way.

So, at the time, I thought he was a better option that Trigger. Trigger was still in his scary bolting stage. We hauled Leroy, the kids and their horses, and Gina, my husband's mare, out to an 800 acre lease where a friend had let my husband run a handful of cow-calf pairs. One pair had gone missing. This was mid-December. We made a day of it, riding the lease and looking for these two cows (Never found them). We even packed saddle bags with sandwiches, drinks, snacks.

LEROY knew exactly where the trailer was parked, no matter where we were on that property. No matter how thick the brush and briers, he fought me to go back to the trailer all. day. long. He ran me under bois d'arc trees, through cedar trees, almost into a locust tree - Those thorns, which are also toxic, looked a foot long when I realized where he was taking me and the fight was on).

On the way out and actually back to the trailer, we got lost in the brush and some scrub oaks. Lots of fallen limbs hidden under a thick carpet of oak leaves. He starts fighting me to go along a cow trail, which would have taken me through a face full of oaks and cedars, I told him no. We started to struggle, he was throwing his head around so hard and paying so little attention where he put his feet, that he stepped on a small log and it rolled out from under his hoof.

He was mid-head toss... which threw him off balance and thus began the long, slow fall.

Hubs said big yellow Leroy looked like Bambi on Ice. All legs and struggling to stay on his feet. I lost my seat, got pitched forward, and all I could think about was this big moron was going to crash down on me and if I didn't get my right foot out of the stirrup, he was going to take me down with him and crush me 30 miles from town in a place with no cell signal to call for help.

I was dangling from his neck, shaking my right foot... and finally got loose, fell off him on the left, and he fell completely on his face into a tree on the right side.

Husband said that was the slowest, ugliest 'fall' he's ever seen anyone take. LOL

That same trip, Nope, Oops' momma, got stupid at a very narrow opening in the fence between two pastures. To the right was a steel T post and the fence, there's a 3ft wide opening for cows, then to the left was a big red oak. Nope began fighting daughter to go to the right of the T-post, but that's where there was a decrepit old barbed wire fence. Daughter and Nope fight it out, somehow her pants leg gets over the top of the T post, Nope pops up on the front end, comes down, T Post nearly goes into Daughter's leg. She comes off the horse on the other side of the fence. To add insult to injury, Nope had the temerity to look ashamed of herself and apologized by nuzzling daughter until she could 'walk it off'.

Meanwhile, Son and Supes got lost in the brush. WAYYYYY OUT AHEAD, HERE comes son on Supes, at an Old West Cowboy lope, coming out of the winter sunset, headed our way. Son's face is scratched on both sides from nose to ears, blood dripping - but he was grinning hard.

Oh, and at one point we had stopped at a pond to let them all rest and get a drink - daugher got off Nope, led her up to the water's edge, took one too many steps forward, sunk in sticky clay mud UP TO HER KNEE, her boot filled with cold water, and when she pulled her leg back, the boot sucked off her leg and disappeared in the mud. I held Gina and Nope, Daughter was useless, sitting on the pond dam, laughing so hard her face was hurting, her sock and jeans soaked.... she's trying to wring out her sock and just dying laughing. Hubs had to dig the boot out of the mud, nearly got stuck himself, nearly fell in headfirst, realized her spur had it jammed up in the mud. Took about 10 minutes to dig it out, then they had to find solid footing, and wash it out.

THAT was a trip from Hell. But we still all laugh about it. Pic below is from shortly before the mud sticking incident. I was the one taking the picture. Son is on Supes, Gina, and Hubs are in the middle, Daughter and Nope (Who was about to go pee and is parked out a little) are on the left.
Attached Images
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"We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that death will tremble to take us."

Last edited by AtokaGhosthorse; 02-22-2019 at 12:52 PM.
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post #43 of 50 Old 05-12-2019, 06:46 PM Thread Starter
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This thread went to sleep

...but we need more stories, people - imaginary stories from hell, or otherwise...

Brownie points for hair-raising, laughter-inducing imaginary stories!
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post #44 of 50 Old 05-12-2019, 06:50 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by knightrider View Post
They make a camping gadget for women as well. I imagine it is fairly effective--you can pee standing up. The trouble comes because you cannot set it down without it tipping. So, after you've used it, what do you do with it? I gave it to Good Will.
Just on that note, the Australian bush toilet is two sturdy sticks. One to lean on, and one to keep the dogs away.
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post #45 of 50 Old 05-12-2019, 10:03 PM
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The Preakness race is coming up, so I will tell about The Parade from Hell.

My medieval club was invited to ride in the Preakness parade. How thrilling! I imagined the parade would be full of lovely prancing thoroughbreds. There wasn't a single one.

We showed up in our medieval armor, with lances, swords, maces, and shields. Baltimore's inner city is made up of skyscrapers and narrow one-way streets. All my previous big city parades were in Washington DC where the streets are wide and no buildings taller than 6 stories are allowed.

The streets in Baltimore were packed with people 6 deep, and they spilled out into the road where we were riding. The people were reaching out and grabbing our reins and touching our horses. Then we discovered that a vendor had walked through the crowd selling huge inflated crayons. The children ran at our horses banging them with these huge crayons. The noise echoed from the skyscrapers, creating unbelievable uproar. We couldn't even talk to one another for the noise.

At last the horrible parade ended. But the police had forced us to park our horse trailers at the beginning of the parade route (we always try to park at the end of a parade). As soon as the parade ended, they opened up the streets to traffic. There was no way we could ride our horses through those busy narrow streets back to the trailers.

So one person was designated to hold 2 or 3 horses while others walked back to the trailers. I volunteered to hold horses since the idea of driving my big rig through those narrow congested streets appalled me.

I had 3 horses amidst a huge crowd of pedestrians, who thought nothing of coming up to the horses and patting them. Suddenly, shots rang out and the entire marching band of Gonzaga High School, dressed in purple and white tunics and shako hats, came screaming at me and my 3 horses. Someone had been murdered a block away from us. The high school students went swarming past me. It took a long long LOOOONG time for the trailer drivers to make their way 3 miles back to the trailers and even longer for them to drive through the congested streets back to where we were holding the horses. And you should have seen us loading the horses on that busy one-way street. There is no amount of money that would entice me to ride in the Preakness parade again.
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post #46 of 50 Old 05-12-2019, 10:27 PM
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I have a bit of a show story, and it's real - just a little bit of misery, little bit of humor.

Last year I was part of my university's English equestrian team (a lot of showing, very little riding, very little horse time - wouldn't recommend). All shows were mandatory, and often half way across the state. Imagine waking up at 3 am in January in Pennsylvania (not as bad as my home state Maine - I'll give it that), putting your base show clothes on, then putting on five hundred layers on top of that just to stay half way warm. Walk to the parking lot on the other side of campus at 4 am, stand there in the freezing cold and wait for the bus for 20 or so minutes, and arrive to the show at 7 am. Welcome to every Saturday morning of my freshman year.

This one morning was particularly nasty. Typical morning routine - got up early, jumped on the bus, yada yada. Then we get there, and well, fantastic, looks like the show ground is only using their outdoor arena today. No chairs or benches or bleachers or anything, so we sat our butts down - at 7 am, in the single digit (F) cold - on the frozen ground. The sun wasn't even up yet. The hosting team was getting all their horses ready, so our whole team has nothing to do but sit on the frozen ground and wait. They were about to get the horses out - but wait, the outdoor arena ground was frozen solid. Fantastic. Show postponed.

So: more sitting and waiting on the frozen ground. 9 am rolls around, hasn't started. 10, hasn't started. 11, hasn't started. Finally they call it quits since the temperature isn't rising above 20 F yet, and decide to move the show into their indoor (why didn't we start there??). Everyone gets up and walks their frozen limbs to the other end of the grounds. Well, that's all fun and games until we realize their indoor is completely open on both ends with no heat retention whatsoever. So it's actually colder than it is outside, because this isn't in the sun and the wind is ripping right through here. Alrighty. Plant our butts down on the cold frozen ground inside and the show starts.

My turn comes around, and this is the point where I need to strip off all my exterior layers in place of just breeches, a white show shirt, and an English riding jacket. It seems so dreadfully hot to ride in in the summer, but in the winter, it offers just about zero cold protection. I get on my randomly assigned horse and my legs are so cold I've lost all feeling in them all the way up to my thighs. Great! Not like I need my legs to ride anyway, right? Me, being small, gets put on a flighty little pony. That's fine, I'm alright on flighty little ponies, it's what I've been riding my whole life. Goes fine actually, I win the class with my icicle legs.

Now the ground in the outdoor is thawing, so the show gets moved back to the outdoor for the jumping half of the day. I wasn't jumping that day, and I was glad! You know why? Because all of the host's horses were reining horses. None of them had even seen a jump before, let alone actually jumped one. I'm not exaggerating when I say they were literally reining horses with English tack thrown on them. All of them refused jumps, couldn't keep up a fast enough canter... and none of them could jump for the life of them. I still laugh thinking about it! Attached is an actual picture from that day. Enjoy the jumping hover reiner!
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post #47 of 50 Old 05-12-2019, 10:50 PM Thread Starter
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@Aprilswissmiss !

I once did a term at a school in a very cold part of Victoria, where the principal was some sort of OCD/sociopath combo. Weekly school assemblies were held in the school gym, which has a sprung wooden floor, completely uninsulated or heated of course. And because the principal was determined that the floor would get no scratches or marks on it, everyone - every student, every staff member - had to take off their shoes at the threshold of the assembly hall, and put them in a big pile: 700 students, 70-odd staff. Then we had to pad in in socked or stockinged feet, on an ice-cold floor. The students were made to sit on the icy ground and the staff on plastic chairs, and then we all had to listen to the principal droning for an hour (he liked the sound of his own voice) while progressively turning into icicles.

Three cheers for a human being who cared more about preserving a pristine floor than the health and comfort of nearly 800 people for whom he had chief duty of care!

I tried to keep my feet off the icy ground, but couldn't sustain it for more than a few minutes. So, after a couple of assemblies like that, I decided I really didn't want to contract a UTI and bought a foot pillow to take into assemblies. This earnt me a chatting to at the principal's office (as a staff member!) for being a bad example to others. ...together with finding used jam jars on my science laboratory tray instead of the tempered Durex laboratory beakers required for safe chemistry experiments involving Bunsen burners and glass (and 12yo students) and not being able to get the proper items or an acknowledgement of how dangerous that substitution was (exploding untempered glass and kids - wonderful!), and a few other incidents like this, I handed in my notice and headed to sunny Sydney as the next leg of getting to know Australia, where I worked in a really lovely school instead, and these incidents raised much laughter and incredulity at staff lunch hours!

Crazy people exist everywhere. There's good crazy, and bad crazy...

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post #48 of 50 Old 05-12-2019, 11:05 PM
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And because the principal was determined that the floor would get no scratches or marks on it, everyone - every student, every staff member - had to take off their shoes at the threshold of the assembly hall, and put them in a big pile: 700 students, 70-odd staff.
Now I'm just wondering how you ever found your shoes in a pile of almost 1600 others!
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post #49 of 50 Old 05-12-2019, 11:10 PM Thread Starter
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Yeah, that was fun. Every form class had a separate pile, and then spent half the recess following the assembly just trying to find their shoes in 30 identical-looking pairs of school shoes (uniform requirement at that school extended to black unisex school shoes, all identical looking). The staff member's shoes who took the form class in were the sort of visual marker for which class' shoe pile this was, so you always had to make sure sufficient students had made it to the correct pile before you could walk away... Insane, no? And the principal couldn't see it.

College equestrian team sounds so regal, @Aprilswissmiss ... and then you tell us how it really is... Are you sure a certain principal from Victoria wasn't organising that show?

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post #50 of 50 Old 05-12-2019, 11:26 PM
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Yeah, that was fun. Every form class had a separate pile, and then spent half the recess following the assembly just trying to find their shoes in 30 identical-looking pairs of school shoes (uniform requirement at that school extended to black unisex school shoes, all identical looking). The staff member's shoes who took the form class in were the sort of visual marker for which class' shoe pile this was, so you always had to make sure sufficient students had made it to the correct pile before you could walk away... Insane, no? And the principal couldn't see it.

College equestrian team sounds so regal, @Aprilswissmiss ... and then you tell us how it really is... Are you sure a certain principal from Victoria wasn't organising that show?
Oh my gosh, I was thinking about how hard it would be to find your pair in a variety of shoes, let alone identical shoes! At that point you might as well grab the first pair you see that's the same size!

Perhaps! He must have been the first to think it would be a great idea to run all of the college horse shows in the middle of winter in the first place! College equestrian team was an interesting time, at all the lessons they always put little me on the biggest warmblood or draft cross they could find, and put all the six foot tall people on ponies. Something about "being prepared for anything at the shows"

I found a couple more jumping reiner pictures from that show!
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