"I ended up slapping him and kicking until he miraculously figured out what I wanted and started doing it. After he went around the arena, sticking to the fence each way, I got off and called it a day. But just because it ended up working this time, doesn't mean I want to guide him until he gets what I'm asking by slapping him. So, how do I stay calm and think logically WITHOUT giving up and letting him win!?"
"I did end on a good note. But instead of stopping what I was trying to get him to do, I pushed till he stopped being lazy and listened. Right after he did what I wanted, we stopped. I always end on a good note."
None of us were there, and none of us have spent years riding around you and your horse. Internet advice is thus always a bit questionable.
With my horses, what you described wouldn't qualify as ending on a good note. I've never tried anything like that with Cowboy, but both Trooper and Mia would be an emotional wreck afterward. That doesn't mean YOUR horse was, but my 2 main horses would be! Give Mia 24 hours to replay that ride in her mind, and she'd be darn near unrideable the next day. She is entirely capable of getting so nervous that she can break into a heavy sweat just standing in a corral.
If you don't want to get mad at horses, I suggest stop thinking of it with a 'dominate/subordinate', 'I win or lose' mindset. That can be hard. Once in a while, Mia will have a day of "You're not the boss of me!", and those rides are never fun.
You wrote of bonding. I tend to poo-poo bonding, and say we don't ride the bond...but in a way we do. The vast majority of my experience is with Arabians, but the Quarter Horses I've ridden also seem to respond to respect and genuine concern. There is a balance to be found, and I don't always find it: The horse needs to obey, but they obey better if respected, but they won't respect someone who is weak, so...where is the line? And if I'm not certain where it is with Mia, after 4+ years of riding her, then I sure can't tell you where it is with your horse.
But I do find that if I go out with a fixed agenda, and plan on dominating the horse, that I often get frustrated, angry, and lose all understanding of the horse. When I think in terms of winning over the horse, I drop out sensitivity to the horse's training and understanding.
I keep a leather rein tied to my saddle so I can give Mia a swat on the butt. If I used it regularly, she'd be unrideable. In my limited experience, if I resort to it more than once in a ride, something is wrong. And the rides where I need it at all come about 4-5 times/year, not regularly.
If you want to control your emotions, don't think of it as "I must win". Think of it as "I must train", and allow that in training, you may discover your horse hasn't gone as far as you thought he had
. That takes some of the personal feeling out, and lets you think about it rationally instead of emotionally.