Mother just passed and lady really pushing for her horse - Page 3 - The Horse Forum
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post #21 of 28 Old 07-11-2014, 05:05 PM
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I'd tell this lady in no uncertain terms something along the lines of, this horse meant so much to my mom, almost as if she were another child. I'd laugh a little bit and say I thought at times that I had a equus sister! And since that is the case, this horse is FAMILY!!! So, we're not adopting her out, or leasing her at this time. She's going to be trained to use as a <insert sport here> and that's really the end of that. It would be nice, if the <> was not dressage, IMHO. If the lady is the blowhard that you say she is, she might come back with something snappy and rude and at that time, you simply look her in the eye and don't respond.

Well, this is what I'd do anyway. Unless she's a thief or a sociopath, your horse is likely to be okay. I don't think it's a good idea to get anyone else to take a special interest in your horses unless you do intend to let others ride them. It is your choice, you can let her ride and train her, or not.

I'm so sorry this BS happened about your moms horse. I'd be devastated all over again.
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post #22 of 28 Old 07-11-2014, 06:55 PM
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If I wanted to drop a quarter of a million dollars on a super awesome, top ranked, impeccably trained champion and toss him out in the field to eat grass and never be ridden or worked again, it would probably blow peoples' minds. He's so awesome. Why let him go to waste? Why? Because he would be mine and what I say would be how it would be. Would it be a waste of his talent and potential? Possibly. But why would anyone else's opinion matter. They didn't spend a quarter of a million imaginary dollars on him. If they had, they would have a say in what he does.

People always want to be the ones to tell you what you need to be doing. Boy howdy could they help you get to where they think you should go. I think people should mind their own and quit worrying so much about what other people are doing or not doing.
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post #23 of 28 Old 07-11-2014, 07:35 PM
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I too am sorry for your loss.

However, I imagine this woman's opinion of the situation is a little different. People don't do things for free, by continuing the care she gives your filly you are likely giving her the impression that in the future you may be leasing or selling the filly to her. By being "polite" to encourage this woman to keep caring for your horse, you've likely set up some expectations which may not exactly be unfounded. In the past when I have worked with or cared for horses that were not my own for extended periods of time it has resulted in me purchasing or leasing the horse. It's acted as a sort of trial period between the owners and I.

I would be honest, I would thank her for her care but clearly state that your filly is not for sale or lease, and will not be in the foreseeable future. You will likely lose that extra care, but then you should be clear of this woman, and, at least from her perspective, you won't be leading her on anymore. If she doesn't respect this, then you'll have to be more blunt with her.
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post #24 of 28 Old 07-12-2014, 02:23 PM
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First, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the shock and pain you're going though, and having your horsey haven becoming a place of stress can't be helping at all.

Secondly, while it didn't involve the death of a loved one, I once had a very similar problem a another border. I've had my gelding Avishay since he was 4 months old, and he's a "lifer" for me; I raised him, started him, and have done all his training. A few years ago, I boarded him for a few months at a large equestrian center to hold a stall for a friend while she was waiting for a horse that she was importing.

Down the barn isle, there was a woman who had a Hafflinger and a palomino quarter pony. I don't think I ever saw her ride but once, and it was, in a word, terrifying. Her horses regularly took her dirt skiiing, or simply broke away from her and ran loose around the barn. She was also convinced that her Haffie was palomino (genetically, that's impossible), and that my sorrel draft cross was ALSO a palomino. She became OBSESSED with owning my horse. I had other boarders telling me she would go in his stall with him when I wasn't there, and she even admitted to messing with him when I confronted her. She told me, to my face, that I was a "bad rider" who "made him unhappy" because I made him "work too hard" (aka I ride, lunge, handwalk, etc every day), and that he deserved to be with her.

At first I wrote off all of her early, seemingly harmless behavior as her just being a crazy woman. I know that you can't fix crazy, and I wasn't going to start stuff (I bear the double-edged sword of being a high-profile person in the local equestrian community because of my job). But when talking trash about me to other borders and slipping my horse a few carrots turned into going into his stall, bad-mouthing me openly, and stealing my stuff, I had more than one confrontation with her inside of about three days. Telling her to knock it off politely didn't work, and when I got more direct, she lost her mind and showed up at my normal barn time the next night with a briefcase full of cash (she was very wealthy) told me I could have $25,000 for my horse if I sold him to her right then and there. I had to tell her "No, you can't have him. He's not for sale" at least ten times. It ended with her screaming at me in the barn isle, and the words, "Someday, you'll be sorry. Someday, he'll be old and you won't be able to ride him anymore, and I'll be DEAD!"

I packed up my stuff, stayed at the barn until they locked the gates for the night, and was back with my trailer hitched when the opened the gates the next morning. I never saw her again, but I DID learn this:

The point of my story is this: It's easy to write off obsessive or pushy behavior, and say, "she's just a nut". I think it's easy to convince ourselves that another person is "harmless" or that we can handle things as they come up. But I've made the mistake of tolerating things I shouldn't have more than once, and ended up in sticky situations. I've learned that best intentions can go awry, and that it's always better to err on the side of caution. Do I think Crazy Palomino Lady would have hurt my horse? Probably not, because she wanted him so badly. But do I think she may have hurt me in some way after my rejection? Maybe, but unlikely. Do I think she may have hurt herself to gain sympathy? Possibly. But why stick around and find out? In my case, the barn had over 300 horses, a dozen trainers, and multiple owners and office staff. Going to someone with a complaint would have been next to useless. You seem to have some decent barn ownership and your barn seems small enough to make it so that something could happen if you made a complaint. I think that doing so would be in you and your horse's best interest. Alternatively, if you don't feel up to confronting her yourself, maybe you could ask your boyfriend to go with you and either back you up, or speak on your behalf (while you're present, so it doesn't look like he's acting without your support). But ultimately I think that as hard as it may be, finding a new barn may be the best, safest, and least stressful thing you could do right now.

My sincere best wishes to you!
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post #25 of 28 Old 07-12-2014, 04:24 PM
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Sorry about this with your mother.

As to horse? Tell her to leave your horse alone.

Her "talking through scary situations" tells me all I need to know about her. She will make this filly a nervous wreck by doing this.

Tell her to leave you alone and to stay the heck away from your filly. Period.
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post #26 of 28 Old 07-12-2014, 08:06 PM
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I am also very sorry for your loss and sit with everyone regarding telling the woman to "MYOB" and stay away from your filly.

A Good Horseman Doesn't Have To Tell Anyone; The Horse Already Knows.

I CAN'T ride 'em n slide 'em. I HAVE to lead 'em n feed 'em Thnx cowchick77.
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post #27 of 28 Old 07-13-2014, 07:30 AM
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Yep. That.^^
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post #28 of 28 Old 07-14-2014, 01:46 PM
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Just read this. UGH! TurkishVan, I hope you have been able to resolve the problem.

Even though your mother was polite and encouraged this woman to play with the filly a little, this woman has gone WAY too far imo. It disturbs me that she is so insensitive to the fact that you are *grieving* right now and continues to try and pressure you into letting her have the filly.

It doesn't matter what she says about her "superb riding skills" or "bond" with the horse. If your mother loved that filly and you are planning to hold onto her, then it's time to confront this lady, especially the next time she makes a comment to you. I would tell her that you will not sell the filly, that you do not want her to mess with the horse anymore PERIOD,and that you will ask others around the barn to be on the look out to make sure that she stays away (and I would talk to others about being watchful if possible). And, if you want to go there, I would mention the fact that you are grieving and she has not been tactful in regards to that at all.

Anyway I hope it has already been resolved or is resolved quickly. This kind of thing makes me blow smoke out of my ears!
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