Rant and maybe looking for advice? - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 21 Old 10-19-2019, 12:43 AM Thread Starter
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Rant and maybe looking for advice?

I'm c/ping this from else where but basically atm im leasing a mare called emma.

I wish I had a horse I clicked with, I love Emma with my heart but it seems one sided, everyoneís horses seem to click well, why canít I have that? I tell my friends I can jump and canter when I can hardly do it bc Iíve never progressed in the 5 years Iíve had her. I had the opportunity to try new horses, maybe the one I click with but no, I let it slip away.

I lose motivation every time I ride and feel like I need more lessons but honestly I donít wanna be embarrassing myself, especially when I say I lease a horse but then seem like an idiot.

I wish I could of had a horse i clicked with, a soul mare but no.

Itís nothing against Emma, she just doesnít seem interested or even like me. She hardly listens and is usually too interested in grass and will only trot or canter if it suits her, which isn't often, no matter how much i try.`

I had the opportunity to see a horse that i seemed to click with through the screen but I missed the opportunity.

Last edited by loosie; 10-19-2019 at 01:14 AM.
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post #2 of 21 Old 10-19-2019, 01:13 AM
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Listen, people will tell you that they had an instant love for their heart horse through the screen, or they were in love the second they heard about them. When my trainer texted me saying, "You're going to be on the new guy today. He's in the stud stall, and is missing an eye." How enthused do you think I felt? Take a gander. But now, I'm in love with him. You've heard the details and the sob stories of these before.

Well, can you jump and canter? I mean, if there's one thing younger equestrians are known for, it's their horrible self-esteem. Start recording yourself working with Emma. Point out what you're doing wrong, and see if you can better it.

And don't feel embarrassed about taking lessons. That's what lessons are there for. To boost confidence. To better your riding. Do. Not. Feel. Embarrassed. It's okay, I promise.

Remember, she's a mare. When you sit on your heart horse for the first time, you'll know. Remember, mares are mares. I can't really talk on your horse problems, I apologize. I'm not too experienced, so the most I can talk about are lessons. Good luck! Don't quit! You'll make it through eventually.

Stay Calm - Ride a Friesian!
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post #3 of 21 Old 10-19-2019, 01:31 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by A-Rider-Called-Carvide View Post
Listen, people will tell you that they had an instant love for their heart horse through the screen, or they were in love the second they heard about them. When my trainer texted me saying, "You're going to be on the new guy today. He's in the stud stall, and is missing an eye." How enthused do you think I felt? Take a gander. But now, I'm in love with him. You've heard the details and the sob stories of these before.

Well, can you jump and canter? I mean, if there's one thing younger equestrians are known for, it's their horrible self-esteem. Start recording yourself working with Emma. Point out what you're doing wrong, and see if you can better it.

And don't feel embarrassed about taking lessons. That's what lessons are there for. To boost confidence. To better your riding. Do. Not. Feel. Embarrassed. It's okay, I promise.

Remember, she's a mare. When you sit on your heart horse for the first time, you'll know. Remember, mares are mares. I can't really talk on your horse problems, I apologize. I'm not too experienced, so the most I can talk about are lessons. Good luck! Don't quit! You'll make it through eventually.
Thank you, I've had her for about 5 years, and only really getting 'into' riding now, (I was horse crazy and rode her once a month, now i ride her at least once a week, whenever possible :) ) Today was a fusterating ride, she was spooking due to wind and simply refused to go near her favourite corner (she always wanted to go near it, today she wanted nothing to do with it haha!)
I've been seeing so much of my friends success its sorta like, what?! I'm starting at an actual barn next year so I'm hoping that'll go well.
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post #4 of 21 Old 10-19-2019, 01:33 AM
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I agree, it takes time to get to know a horse. I am trying to think if any of my horses were love at first sight. Well, maybe I loved their looks, but it definitely wasn't an instant connection from the first ride. I always feel like it takes about a year to get to know a horse.

BUT, it's also definitely possible just not to "click" with a horse. I had a horse I raised from a foal. I loved him like my own child. Went to trainers, sent him for training, got help from some very patient friends. Finally, after about 8 years I decided that we just were not a good match. He wasn't a bad horse by any means, but I just didn't have the confidence to ride him. I wanted a horse I could relax and have fun on, and for whatever reason, I just couldn't get confident on him. I re-homed him with a neighbor who loves him, rides him all the time, and isn't scared when he spooks or acts up. It was the next best thing to owning him myself. Better actually, because I could relax and actually enjoy riding again on a different horse.

If you actually don't care for this horse, there's not shame in that. It might be time for a switch.

On a side note, I'm not sure why mares get such a bad wrap. I was a gelding-girl for many years and ended up with a couple of Fox Trotter mares because gaited horses are usually pretty expensive around here and I could afford them and you know what? I'm not so sure I don't like mares even better than geldings! The two mares I have owned have been so loving and sweet and I really can't say I mind their mare-tendencies at all. They only show that side when riding with other horses and I often ride alone. Maybe I have just been lucky.......but I love mares!

There's a lot of stupid out there!
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post #5 of 21 Old 10-19-2019, 02:02 AM
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Maybe sounds harsh(re-reading, it does a bit but im only meaning it as realism...) but here's my take...

As for your talking about 'clicking' with her(& how can you possibly 'click' with through a screen??), that sounds like those unrealistic people who will only settle for the fabled 'perfect man'. When ime you MAKE any relationship worth having & have to work on it to keep it good. 'Mr Right' or that 'Heart horse' only fall into people's laps(& want to stay there) without effort in fairy tales.

As for your 'one sided relationship' with your horse, if until recently you only saw her once a month(& you rode her and...?), no surprise she didn't become attached to you. Even if once a week, is riding all you do, or do you spend more time each week doing nice stuff with her but only ride once? Essentially, what's in it for her? Do you make it enjoyable & rewarding for her to be with you or is it mostly about her having to do stuff you want to, that's not fun for her or adequately rewarded? Whether or not you find your 'heart horse' you will still need to make an effort for the relationship not to be one sided, or they will still stop... hearting you.

As for not progressing, no surprise if you don't take lessons & know you need to, and esp that you have only ridden her monthly until recently. You will 'take out' only as much as you put in.

I sincerely think you should forget about 'clicking' & instead focus on what you can do to improve what you've got.

Some info I've found helpful; [COLOR=Lime][B]www.horseforum.com/horse-health/hoof-lameness-info-horse-owners-89836/
For taking critique pics; [COLOR=Lime][B]https://www.horseforum.com/members/41...res-128437.jpg
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post #6 of 21 Old 10-19-2019, 02:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trailhorserider View Post
He wasn't a bad horse by any means, but I just didn't have the confidence to ride him. I wanted a horse I could relax and have fun
Yep, there are absolutely horse human pairs that don't 'click' because of skill level or personality or some such.

I ended up with a brumby gelding last year that a client gave to me because she knew I'd give him a good home. He was a 'difficult' horse & she just couldn't get on with him, had spent a small fortune on getting professional help & was still losing confidence. I knew that he was a timid thing, didn't float, didn't tie, spooked at his own shadow... even one of the (many) pro trainers she'd sent him to had told me he was very nervous & reactive, wouldn't ever be good for my kids.

He was quite nervous & aloof when he first arrived, is still aloof with most people. My now 16yo was nervous when they started riding him, what with all the warnings we were given, but they put in lots of time & effort to prove they're worthy of listening to & can be trusted to look out for him.

Well I've hardly got a look in on him since we have had him, my kids can do anything with him & he is largely unflappable. While he doesn't mind me, he is just as happy if I don't go near him, feels a little 'shut down' when I do stuff with him or ride him. But I really haven't spent much time or effort with him. Whereas he dotes on Darcy & whenever they're outside will leave the herd & follow like a shadow! But Darcy put a lot of effort into making him think of them like that - it was by no means automatic.

Quote:
On a side note, I'm not sure why mares get such a bad wrap.
Yeah me too. I've owned & also trained & cared for many mares over the decades. One I owned was really touchy about the flanks & crabby at certain times & vet reckoned she had ovarian cysts or such. She was fine most of the time tho. Aside from that, perhaps mares might have a little more... spark than many geldings but overall, can't see a difference really.

Some info I've found helpful; [COLOR=Lime][B]www.horseforum.com/horse-health/hoof-lameness-info-horse-owners-89836/
For taking critique pics; [COLOR=Lime][B]https://www.horseforum.com/members/41...res-128437.jpg
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post #7 of 21 Old 10-19-2019, 08:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by staarie View Post
I'm c/ping this from else where but basically atm im leasing a mare called emma.

I wish I had a horse I clicked with, I love Emma with my heart but it seems one sided, everyoneís horses seem to click well, why canít I have that? I tell my friends I can jump and canter when I can hardly do it bc Iíve never progressed in the 5 years Iíve had her. I had the opportunity to try new horses, maybe the one I click with but no, I let it slip away.

I lose motivation every time I ride and feel like I need more lessons but honestly I donít wanna be embarrassing myself, especially when I say I lease a horse but then seem like an idiot.

I wish I could of had a horse i clicked with, a soul mare but no.

Itís nothing against Emma, she just doesnít seem interested or even like me. She hardly listens and is usually too interested in grass and will only trot or canter if it suits her, which isn't often, no matter how much i try.`

I had the opportunity to see a horse that i seemed to click with through the screen but I missed the opportunity.

Hey, don't feel ashamed... ;) I have the same thing. I like my horse at the riding school, but he is not mine and I only ride him and try to groom him when allowed/time for it between riding... He doesn't like me all the time: bites my foot when I am on him, tries to nip me when I am grooming (I just put my elbow up so he pokes himself, lol.) But that's all okay. He doesn't have to like me, we will get to know eachother in time and on his terms. If it will not click it won't and that's it. In the process I will make sure he doesn't think nipping me or running over me will be tolerated. Also he will have to learn to do what I ask for and everytime he does I reward him. That's all you can do I guess? ;) I have owned animals since I was a kid and have had a tremendous connection with some of them and a bad one with other ones... Animals have their characters too. ;)

The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding go out and meet it. (-Thucydides)
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post #8 of 21 Old 10-19-2019, 08:50 AM
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One of my best down and dirty trail horses that saved my husband's bacon TWICE, is the oneriest most non-friendly horse ever to grace my barn.

The old rascal has been with me 23 of his 25 onery years. One reason I decided to hang onto him, early on, was because of people who think a horse must immediately "click or bond" with them. He would have been sent down the road and ruined more than once.

I had to stop riding years ago but three years ago, when I was 69, I got on this onery horse bareback -- he hadn't been ridden in six years - that's six YEARS.

No round penning, no sweating him down, and no trainer because I do my own training. I just blew in his onery nose and whispered "you owe me a nice ride".

I climbed up on the fender of the race car trailer, where he was quiet waiting, and ungracefully slid on.

On my cue, he walked off like we had never missed a beat in all those years. There's video of that in case my old self ever forgets the real story.

He isn't my only horse in my life. I still have the horse in my avatar and I have laid five other solid horses to rest in my lifetime. All with different thought processes.

While I don't like the use of the word, I can say I "clicked" with all of their personalities, some sooner than others.

Meaning, give up the "we don't click" idea.

1) the more you focus on that, the less you get back from the horse. Mom used to call that "a watch pot never boils".

2). That Emma horse you just can't seem to click with is probably the horse that will save your bacon some day------

A Good Horseman Doesn't Have To Tell Anyone; The Horse Already Knows.

I CAN'T ride 'em n slide 'em. I HAVE to lead 'em n feed 'em Thnx cowchick77.

Last edited by walkinthewalk; 10-19-2019 at 08:59 AM.
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post #9 of 21 Old 10-19-2019, 09:18 AM
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I don't buy this whole "clicking" with a horse thing. Some horses are very outgoing, some are more reserved, some downright terrified. Some are extroverts, some are introverts. Just like people. I think it takes time, and that you have to put in a lot of effort with certain horses. Have you tried doing things with her other than riding? Like clicker training or ground work? My mare isn't easy to connect with when I'm riding her, but on the ground, she's become the sweetest, puppy-like horse I ever met. When I got her, they told me she was aloof, didn't like people, and would never greet me at the gate. They were completely wrong about her, but never took the time to really get to know her on her terms. It took a while, but once I understood her better and could speak her "language" (ie, using my body in ways that weren't threatening, and that respected her personal space until she invited me in), everything changed. She's still not great under saddle, but on the ground, she's a sweetheart.

I think you have to put in the work if you want to connect with any horse. My appy is the opposite of my mare - easy-going, loves everyone, has no sense of a personal bubble. He's a lot of fun, but he's also a bit ditzy and has a short attention span. I have to work with him in small spurts, and make sure he gets rewarded frequently. They're all different. I don't think you can tell that you "click" with a horse within a few minutes. It takes years.
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post #10 of 21 Old 10-19-2019, 11:18 AM
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Stop focusing so hard on how you and her don't get along. It becomes self fulfilling prophecy very quickly.

Mares take WORK. They aren't happy to just follow orders, you have to earn it. You have to be worthy. Are you firm, but tactful and kind? Are you a sympathetic rider, with your hands and heels? Do you spend time with her out of the saddle, or are you a "tack up and go" rider?

A majority of geldings will tolerate being ordered around. A majority of geldings will tolerate noisy hands or nagging heels. A majority of geldings will not mind if you want to just get on and go, and not spend time chilling on the ground.
A mare will not.

But when you get that trust and respect, if you can maintain it, a mare will turn herself inside out for you. If she's being difficult, 9 times out of 10 it's because she finds your leadership lacking, not because of some lack of "click". How do I know this? Because I clicked with my current mare instantly. I fell so in love with her from photos that I took the trailer with me when I went to meet her. But it still took two years to start to understand how she thinks (and 3 and a half for her to reach heart horse status), and she's still a tricky, quirky creature. She's still fussy with gear, she still won't tolerate uncoordinated riding (and I can be a hot mess sometimes), she still demands to have some time spent with her out of the saddle.

And that's with the instant click.

So stop stressing so much about it. I know it's easier said than done. But the only way to build a good relationship with a mare is to be the person she wants.
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