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What am I doing wrong?/dealing with death

1K views 5 replies 5 participants last post by  DustySox 
#1 ·
Hi.
I'm not sure if this is in the right category or not, but I just need to write out everything i'm thinking or i'll explode. So I apologize in advance if this turns out to be a rant.

To start off with, I have loved horses ever since I was born, and have always been determined to own one. I have great parents, but they aren't animal people, and told me If I was to do this, I needed to fund it on my own. I also learned as much as I could through 4-H going to national horse knowledge competitions and such. So by the time I was 11, I had saved enough money to buy my first horse (Sox) and to fix up our land to be able to keep him. Since then I've also bought all my own fencing, trailer, vehicle ect. (I'm 19 now)

Sox is an amazing horse, but a few years ago he was diagnosed with lymes, and since he is older, has bad arthritis. Since I could no longer show him due to his lameness, I decided to look for a new horse. (I still have him though)

I finally found one, (Dusty) and had him for a year and a half before he had a tragic case of colic that could not be cured and had to be put down. I've always felt so guilty, because This happened in the middle of the night, and I couldn't get ahold of any vets until he had been suffering for over 5 hours, and I wasn't strong enough to shoot him. :sad:

Anyways after many tears and vet bills later I was finally ready to look for another. While I was saving my money back up, I rode a friend's horse, who had to be put down a few months later. I wasn't able to show for the next year and a half due to not having a rideable horse.

But finally, 6 months ago I found the perfect horse. (Flash) I fell in love with him instantly. He was like this dream horse that I never thought I would be lucky enough to have. And he basically just fell into my lap. I was so excited to finally be able to show again. I spent EVERY day riding him and preparing for this summer. He honestly was all I could think about during the day and I haven't been so happy in a long time. He was so young and athletic and I was so excited for our future together. He was that one horse that I knew I would keep for the next 20 years.

But some things are too good to be true....

On Saturday I went out to see Flash standing with his head lowered in the field. This was unusual for my spunky boy. I ran out to see his gums were blue and he was shaking. I immediately started freaking out and called my vet. When she arrived she took one look at him and shook her head. Now he's gone. And so is our future.

Why does this keep happening to me? Why can't I keep them alive? Is there something i'm doing wrong? From what my vet tells me, twisting the gut is super rare. Then why haven't I experienced any other type of colic and only this?

I'm so scared I'll lose Sox. I check on him like every two hours. I'm seriously considering not owning any more horses after Sox. I guess i'm bad luck. I feel so bad that he's alone now, but I can't afford to keep this cycle up both money wise and mentally... anyways thanks for letting me rant.
 
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#2 ·
You have sure had a rough time owning horses. It is understandable that you have anxiety.

It truly is rare to lose two of three in a short time. It may take... I don't know how long before you don't worry as much.

Sometimes all we can console ourselves with is knowing that we gave the horses (or any animal) a good life while we had them.
 
#3 ·
So sorry about your losses. It's always hard on us when we lose our 4-legged friends and all too often place blame on ourselves. It's actually a step in the grieving process. Take a look at your care taking practices and make sure they don't need some tweaking and then, when you're ready, try again. In deciding if you'll ever be ready again you need to weigh the pleasure they brought you versus the pain when they died and figure out which is greater. I've lost a lot of animals over the years and some lived to ripe old ages and some died way too soon but I wouldn't have missed knowing them for anything.
 
#4 ·
First I am terribly sorry for your loss. You are not unlucky. There is no such thing. In life there are circumstances, coincidence, etc. Sometimes you can effect them, and there are times despite best efforts, you can't. The vet telling you that its a rare thing and not your fault, is something you have to believe. It very well could be that it was something that was going to happen to him at some point regardless. It could also very well be that your love and care gave him more time and happiness than he ever would have had anywhere else.

What you can't do is obsess over Sox. It's not healthy for you and in the long term, him. Ask your vet for guidance on his care. Provide it and let him be a horse. That is all anyone can do. I understand that it's hard. As for when or if you get another horse- yes monetary concerns are real. Right now you are feeling and learning another truth of life. That grief is the price you pay for love. We all know when we get an animal the possibilities and at some point payment will come due. We try not to think about it. Enjoy the horse you have now. I read somewhere that every horse should be loved by a girl at least once in their lives. Yours were and are. Take comfort in that.
 
#5 ·
Sorry to hear of your losses - life sure isn't fair at times.

I can assure you that it isn't just you it happens to - we lost four horses in ten days.

One jump racing, a brood mare was dead in the field having been fine in the morning. A yearling severed his deep flexor tendon and we lost a foal after foaling.

It hits hard.

By the sound of things I would say that Flash had an aneurism, the blue gums and shaking, rather than a twisted gut. It happens.

The old saying 'If you have livestock you have dead stock.' Always rings true
 
#6 ·
Thank you everyone. After giving it some thought, I know you all are right. I never regret any minute of owning flash, and would do it all again in a heartbeat. I can't just give up on this, though at times it seems easier. I just need to remember the good times we had, and try to forget this weekend.

By the sound of things I would say that Flash had an aneurism, the blue gums and shaking, rather than a twisted gut.
I would have loved to get an autopsy, but again, money. Lol. He didn't have any gut sounds, but wasn't rolling or biting at his flanks or anything. He did have stomach contents coming out of his nose though, so I just figured that he was in shock and that's why his gums were blue and why he wasn't rolling in pain. I hope he wasn't poisoned or anything, but there's really nothing growing yet...
 
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