An American thoroughbred in Europe - Page 23 - The Horse Forum
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post #221 of 293 Old 06-01-2019, 09:53 PM
Green Broke
 
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Here is another good song:


I remember blaring this one from my stereo after a few breakups lol.
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post #222 of 293 Old 06-02-2019, 08:05 AM
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I hope this one makes it, @DanteDressageNerd !


SueC is time travelling.
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post #223 of 293 Old 06-04-2019, 02:14 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you Tanja and SueC! I appreciate it SO SO much!! I enjoy the music!

The loneliness phase has hit me and Im feeling less optimistic and hopeful. I'm feeling like wow what do I have for me, just me? And it makes me feel so needy. Adjusting to being single is really hard, Im realizing the extent of how much emotional support I had from the relationship and now am like f!ck when Im needy and need support. I like to think Im independent and strong and can handle things alone. Yet here I am feeling really alone and isolated. I KNOW I have so many supportive, amazing and wonderful people in my life like here on the forum, where I live, at home and truthfully around the world. But at the same time I feel so isolated and maybe it's because Im running out of distractions and having to face the loss of the relationship? And Im blindly steam rolling along saying Im fine when maybe Im not so fine. Maybe I'm sad and Im lonely and feeling like is there anyone else out there for me? I mean who wants a bipolar, autistic mess like me? I need a highly intelligent, innovative type man that Im attracted to, has ambition, is faithful, sticks to their morals and what they stand for, is adventurous and loves to travel and hike and can handle me? But maybe Im meant to end up alone? I mean Im honestly questioning whether there is a man out there that could handle and understand me. Im pretty stable atm but bipolar isnt a light illness and honestly most decent guys cant handle that. That is the reality with an illness like that, it's really hard to find someone who isnt absolutely terrified of the illness or of you and is willing to take a chance on you. And I need to learn how to be comfortable being alone. I enjoy being in a relationship more than being alone to be honest but a relationship for the sake of a relationship isnt at all what I want and dont want to rush into another one. Just finding my groove I guess. And I guess Im just sad? I dont even know what Im feeling atm.

I'm also impulsive and fiery. Im a lot, I can be so calm and tranquil to this fiery, passionate driven wave of assertion and fortitude.

Rode Wonder today, we jumped over 70cm jumps or about 2'3. I havent jumped in ages. Like 10-12yrs ago I used to jump 1.10m or 3'3-3'6 but long ago. I still sort of have a feel for jumping but Im not good at it. The GP jumper wants to jump Wonder, his gf told me he's been talking about riding Wonder again quite a bit he loved him! We did a few flying changes both direction and apparently Wonder now loves to jump. He really seems to like it! And was great to practice his changes, did on straight lines. So he doesnt change like a jumper. But it makes him SUPER DUPER hot. He was like riding a ticking bomb today, breathe wrong and explodes.

The saddle isnt working again, tried using my pad and Wonder REFUSES to bend left. He was SO tense in his neck and body, was a waste of time doing dressage. It was just muscle tension and him bracing against me. I couldnt ride long maybe 25min because I had to make a chiropractic appointment.

I'm still making friends and think we're going to go out again sometime soon. Just gotta keep doing things and occupying myself but it almost serves as distractions from the sadness and loss I guess. Maybe Im not handling things properly. I dont know. Is there a proper way to over come a break up or is it just phases and unexpected sadness then kinda being like woah Im all alone, what now? To Im so happy and here I am so free?

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Last edited by DanteDressageNerd; 06-04-2019 at 02:29 PM.
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post #224 of 293 Old 06-04-2019, 03:37 PM
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I second the nixing of the Icon Flight. I'm STILL trying to fix my position after riding in one for over year. Even a custom rep told me, yep, that's the one that pitches you forward. Made North incredibly back sore. Since I switched to Black Country, he hasn't been sore once.

Great pics of Wonder! Try to remember that the end of this relationship was not a loss, it was a WIN, and there is better out there for you. The loneliness will pass. Just continue to try and get out and do things you enjoy doing with people who are fun to be around.

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."
- Maya Angelou
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post #225 of 293 Old 06-04-2019, 03:56 PM
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I have to second @Tihannah with Black Country - she's the one who mentioned them to me; that's the type of saddle I got for Promise & it is AMAZING. I use a pro-lite tri pad which helps too, because I can shim it up as little or as much as I want. Really great saddles.

Ride more, worry less.
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post #226 of 293 Old 06-05-2019, 12:48 AM
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Here's something else on this illuminating topic...


It's a bit of a barn-dance, but the lyrics and clip are funny!

The Traveling Wilburys did a great version of this - but I can't find it anywhere...

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post #227 of 293 Old 06-05-2019, 02:22 PM Thread Starter
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Tina- I agree!

And you are definitely right. I dont want him back at all but I miss the emotional support and friendship. And feeling like my life was going somewhere. Vs now it's starting over in a new major, my life and eventually a relationship. But I think I'll be single a while. I need to figure out me and maybe someday something will work out or maybe that just isnt meant for me.
___

Allison- Thank you for the suggestion. Prolite is a good product, as is black country. I just dont have the money for it. I need to sell my saddle (trilogy verago) because it just isnt working. It blocks Wonder's back and a competent fitter could make it work but I think I need to buy a treeless saddle. The saddle blocks Wonder's back and what Im asking isnt fair from him when it causes discomfort. He's just not the same horse in the saddle. Id like to try black country but dont think they sell it here.
___

SueC- that song cracks me up! That is absolutely hilarious!
___

Im still figuring things out and I am frustrated and quite angry figuring out myself and my life and where Im going with it? What's the point in this. And truth is Im not happy. And I dont think Im owed happiness or that I need to be happy but accepting Im not happy, Im not fulfilled. Im frustrated and angry.

And also trying to figure out this stupid illness that interferes with so much of my life and it's not even my fault I have it and as much as I try to keep it together and be strong, I dont feel that strong. I hurt. And truthfully I think this new hurt is more depression than anything else. Just depressive thoughts that are impossible to explain. It's an isolating sort of illness and truth is most people dont want to deal with you or it. And there really isnt anything anyone can do. Just have to ride the wave until it's done. And Im ashamed Im not more stable than I am. Im angry that Im not more together and more disciplined and controlled. Im tired of fighting myself all the time and trying to be strong and keep it together and Im just not together.

And the reality of my life is someday if I find someone it's going to be REALLY hard to find what I want that is also good for me. And the reality is with my illness maybe Im better off alone. Maybe relationships arent meant for me, maybe that's why I only form attachments to people that arent good for me. Maybe Im meant to be alone. Im a hard person to understand and I dont really relate in a relationship way to very many people and when I do they've had some deep trauma or problems like I have. I like very intelligent, innovative thinkers and maybe Im just meant to be alone. Maybe what I want will never be healthy and Im better off alone. I know how to be alone when I've been alone. The things I have make it difficult to find someone able to stand the waves and deal with the shifts and it not end up hurting them.

My mom asked me because a close friend of mine lost her horse who was very important in my development as a rider. Mom asked me why these terrible thing happen to good people and I answered I think God is a sadistic [email protected] who enjoys the suffering of lesser beings. Or if Im less bitter and in a more optimistic mood, Id say because to be a good strong person it requires a lot of hardship and trials to grow, overcome and become better. That way when you finally get what you want, you feel like you've earned it and are grateful. The lady who has lost her horse is one of the best people I know and has been through SO SO SO much. Makes me feel like a stupid whiny baby to be upset at all. So many people have it way worse.

This is good


Wonder was okay today but no more using his saddle, it just blocks his back and then Im not fair to him and get frustrated because he cant bend and it's not Wonder's fault he cant bend properly because the saddle is blocking his back. Im just lucky he loves me and forgives me, even when I am unfair and make mistakes.

Short of Wonder and I jumping
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post #228 of 293 Old 06-05-2019, 02:42 PM
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Wonder is looking gorgeous as usual.

Mental health conditions do tend to improve as we get older, and also our management of them. I wouldn't see that as a disqualifier from the possibility of finding a quality relationship. However, it can also be a really great idea to spend some time as a young person on a sort of relationship "retreat" where you're just single and getting to know you. It makes you more independent, and while that makes you more scary to the average man, outlier women aren't going to end up with those sorts of men anyway - compatibility is important.

It's easier for average people to partner because the market caters to them. Sheep with multicoloured fleeces tend to prefer multicoloured-fleece partners, and be happier with them. It's about being understood regardless of how esoteric you can get etc! The person I married was the only truly compatible person I've ever dated. We're mentally on the same level, and that's so much fun - in previous relationships as a younger person, I always felt there was a large part that made me me, that didn't even get seen by the other person. Not anymore. DH & I egg each other on to greater and greater heights.

While you have to keep your eyes open for a nice multicoloured partner, there's also a lot of wisdom in staying laid back about it. The old butterfly analogy:


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post #229 of 293 Old 06-05-2019, 03:20 PM
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The jumping video was sideways on my computer, I had to turn it to see! Anyway, just to let you know that I am thinking of you and hope things calm down for you.
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post #230 of 293 Old 06-07-2019, 12:08 PM Thread Starter
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SueC- Thank you! Wonder would agree. He is really quite an arrogant, conceited horse. It cracks me up, he's very pleased with myself. NO lack of confidence. I remember we had a German shepherd dog try to attack us. A normal horse would turn and run, not Wonder he stood on two legs and came after it with boxing gloves.

you get it! I absolutely agree. When youíre a mult-colored bird with a lot of dimensions and esoteric (great word choice btw, I didnít know that one) itís really hard to find someone who fits you that way. And can find other multi-colored birds where you may sink up but it not be a healthy dynamic. The more unique you are, the harder it is to find a fit. Because the pieces have to line up so perfectly and finding that is so very hard.

I need someone who stays fit and likes adventure to go hiking into Norway and Sweden or the alps. Likes to travel and go places. An emotionally strong and confident man, a strong man. Maybe more practical/pragmatic than me and can keep me engaged and challenge me as on a mental and intellectual level and can understand me emotionally and I relate to as well. Prefer a Scandinavian, they have an ethical and moral code I really admire and I like the culture. But it'll be a while. I think you are right and I just need to be on my own a while and if it happens, it happens and if it doesnt then that's how it is. I truly do not expect it to happen. I hope but I doubt. I figure I'll just leave a door open and if/when it's meant to happen, it will.

I think you and your husband are a lovely fit and it's nice when it's two colorful people who people say well I cant picture either of them with anyone else because you need such an exact fit, you cant just mesh with anyone.
___

whisperbaby- thank you. I hope so too. Im up and down. Thank you for caring and supporting us
___

Just note the saddle pinches him and he was really hard to get his hind legs to connect. Nicolai (GP jumper, ridden his whole life but not a professional) said he's much harder to ride than he expected and so [email protected] strong, so f%cking strong. He's a lot to ride straight and he doesnt just ride in a line, you really have to ride him every moment and really ride and organize his hind legs. He takes full concentration. Nicolai is REALLY good. It's not always pretty but he rides the horse so they respond correctly and this is not an easy horse. Wonder is also hard to keep back which Nicolai was trying to keep him on his stride and not let Wonder make his own. Not always pretty but important part of the training. Im honestly super impressed by his riding and how much Wonder's jumping improved in one session. He did a great job!

I got on him and we jumped the same jumps, it's the first time I've gotten on Wonder after someone else and he not try to run off or lock against the leg because Nicolai did a good job of keeping him with the rider and making sure he respond when the leg is applied. If you dont make Wonder respond, he'll just push into your leg or hand and lock against you. He is so freaking strong and he just wants to take over, which Nicolai felt today and said it's really difficult to keep him with you because he just wants to take over and do his own thing. He's really lovely and fun to ride, he's hard but it is always such a pleasure with him. Nicolai loves him and they're a really good team. Getting on him after Nicolai was good because he didnt let Wonder get away with his usual antics.

I should have asked for video of me jumping Wonder. Im actually not bad at it, my eye for canter the distance is off but I stay in balance and out of the way. I just dont have Nicolai's feel or timing to make Wonder jump better. He is hard to keep centered down a line. I think because the saddle pinches his shoulders. Basically he's a hot, tense, strong horse with previous injuries. I also hate my voice and "my trainer" is the one I had in the US. We still talk.

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Last edited by DanteDressageNerd; 06-07-2019 at 12:23 PM.
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