Dear Horse Forum,
Tobie here. That crazy stalker chick gave me 2 days off. Righttttttt. She was lazy and I got no exercise. All I could do ALL DAY was run around in the pasture! Those dang chickens got LOTS of love though! She stripped both those coops and even took out some dirt! That bucket of dirt smells like sh....umm poop.The chickens think she is whacked, too! It's not just me. I am telling you someone should rescue us all.....
OMG she has a chicken torture device! She used it on them poor chickens, I heard them screaming. She called it a rake, but I know she was killing them with it. She wore this thing on her face that freaked us all out. Hello! How do you breathe if you cover the blow holes? Crazy human why wny why are you sweeping the walls? She calls it winterizing the coops......
I am out of there. I ran like the wind. OMG what is she doing?? I must save the chickens! Look HAY! EWWWWW why does that taste so bad? Fine, fine, FINE! I am leaving it alone.
Can you believe she talks to me like a dog?? She says "Leave it!" and just expects me to drop what I am doing and walk away. Fat chance of that happening.
Oh she brings my favorite girl here! I love Kendall! She sneaks me a cookie, but don't tell the stalker chick. Kendall come here. Kendall walk with me. Kendall is mine! I am keeping Kendall. No, Crazy Stalker she is mine grrrrrrrrrrr. WTH? What do you mean get off her. I am umm hugging her. No! I will not leave her alone, she is MINE!
Fine fine FINE! I will take Kendall back later. This crazy woman claims everything! My food, my pasture, my people, my chickens, even my dogs! WTH?
Food and sleep time again. This us good. I know she is adding poison to my food, She calls it pro bios, but I know she is killing me slowly. Better to die of poison that starvation I guess. Nom nom nom. Later people. Nom nom nom
Ohhh stretching is good
Fooooooodd Yay! Good lord, she is making me waittt againnn. Fine fine FINE! Can I have it now? Finally my beloved food! HOLY Sh..... ummm poop!! A cookie! In my food! For me? Look another one! Yes, cookiesssss, my precious cookiessss. Turn your back, this could get a little freaky... As the stalker chick says, don't judge me. I haven' had cookies in forever.... Ok, so Friday seems like forever. Don't judge me.
Whoa. she is leaving. She is in the truck.... WTH she is leaving me to starve. Must run after her! Ugh fence fence fence. I am the wind and the fence is in my way. Stupid fence. Stupid human can stay gone for all I care.
35435465465464 years later.... Is that a truck I hear? YES! The stalker chick had returned and will feed me! Hey. Hey. HEY. HELLOOOO!!!! Do not ignore me puny woman! I am starving to death! I know you have food in there! I know that bag! NOGahhhhhh!! Don't dump it in the trash can! I can't get to it there! Dogs food? HA! Theirs is in the trash too! Chicken food? Yep in the trash too! OMG Cat food? NAsty. It does belong in the trash! WTH she gave that cat a handful of food and it is NOT feeding time!
The humans all ignore me today. Yes, no work for me! La la la la run run run la la la chase cat, chase neighbor dog. Run fat dog run!!!! HA HA HA I am the wind! The humans are eating something called brunch, for real? Where is mine? Now I must look for trouble......
Paw the fence is a fun game until your foot gets stuck! AND the crazy stalker has a younger male version of herself she calls Son. He is here. In a car! And he is yelling for his Mommy to come. "MOM Tobie has his foot stuck in the fence!!" Crazy Kid didn't even explore the house, he just opens the door and screams. WHOA Son brings Kendall? Who knew? Must get this foot free and see Kendall! Kendall is trying to make me be still! WTH Kendall? I am the wind....with my foot in a fence! Alex, the son, snatches Kendall and various other humans out of my pasture and leaves me alone... for forever. Kendall is telling me to stay calm and comes back in. Must remain calm for Kendall. I like her.
HOLY SH**!! Crazy Stalker can RUN! I wonder if she knows her butt was showing while she was pulling them pants up? Why do I smell soap? And just like that Crazy stalker is calm, but barking orders to Kendall and Alex like a drill sergeant! Get the cutters out of the red tool box, top shelf right side. Back up Kendall and let me see. Move Girl! You two get the f*** out of here. He doesn't know you and you're spooking him. Everyone shut up and MOVE NOW! Alex where are the cutters? I don't see blood so quit freaking out NOW!
MAN she is calm. Maybe there is no reason to freak out.... Yes, rub my nose and cuddle me. Ok, you can look. I think I cut my foot almost off. Must pull it out NOW! What do you mean be still?? The fence is going to eat me. Help me!! Pull pull PULL the foot out. Do not tell me to be still in that voice! Stand? You want me to stand still, NOW? Fine fine FINE! I am standing, and sweating and trembling. I am gonna blow. No? Ok, calm.
Wait, my foot is free? YES! Hold me. Must dance the dance of my people! What you mean let you see it? it's mine, no can do! What!?! How did you get my foot? Must have it back NOW. No? Fine then. Ohh Kendall might taste good. WHOA Alex... I wanted Kendall. Crazy Stalker Chick says I am fine. A scratch. No no NO! Alex and Kendall want to call the vet. On a Sunday... sounds expensive. Yes, call the vet! No? But why? No, I am not bleeding. No I am not limping. No, I couldn't have been tangled but a minute.... Vet needs to come cause Kendall said so. UGH she ain't calling no vet. Back off Alex, Kendall is mine mine MINE! OMG. He is almost like his mother!! Younger and stronger, but he knows. He just knows I want sympathy from Kendall.
No, I am hurt people, don't go!! New people make me nervous and need to back off NOW! What, wait. Holy Sh.... She is gonna make me stand while they LOOK at me. Doesn't she know I am traumatized. She is acting like nothing happened. Fine. I am going to find some of that green grass. Go away. I don't care. Run run run...Grass, how I love you.
LMAO HA HA HA the humans are in trouble! She just read them the riot act about being calm and helping me be calm. It's true though. I freaked out a little because they freaked out. Man she makes everyone tour the tool building. Says we must all know where the first aid kit, cutters, knives and sedation are. HA HA HA! Suck that up Son! You take my Kendall and your MOM , who still has soap on her, yells at you! Oh it is the other guy she is yelling at, not Son... Poor guy, I feel your pain Dude. For realz. Hmmm I think I like that little new girl too. Kendall and Linda, yes I could do with a pair of willing slaves. Umm I mean, yep Stalker Chick could use a little help on occasion. Yeah that's it. HA HA HA she made them ALL look in the door at phone numbers, feeding instructions, 56654546622676698 things before she lets them leave the tool building and my barn.
She tells Kendall that my training starts tomorrow. I hope tomorrow is a long way away. I don't like the sound of training. Ut oh, did I see a bridle? Is that a saddle under there? Training what? NO Kendall! Don't help her make a plan!! NO Kendall, stop taking notes on her phone!! Kendall come here now! I am calling you....WTH Kendall? You're gonna learn some too? Stalker Chick says I am old enough to learn some respect. I should have been taught a long time ago?? Really? Just who does she think she is anyways?? I ain't learning nothing...N O T H I N G I tell ya. I'll show her about respect. Bow down to me, for I am Tobie! I am the wind and wild and free!
Pssssttt what is ground work and why will she build a thing Kendall calls a round pen? HA HA HA to confine me? To train me? Umm hellooo silly people I know how to eat grass and make poop. It's all I need to know.
Didn't I tell you she is a weird one? She is whacked. But I think I like her a little bit. She grooms me every day, gives me good food, keeps everything clean, and says she loves me. Maybe I don't need rescued just yet. We shall see. Don't judge me people. It's a pretty goof life for a horse.
Run run run and be happy. I am.