This is perhaps premature of me, given that there are currently no horses in my life, but I'm working really, really hard on getting back to riding, and I have a lot going on in my head, and it will be helpful for me to write it all down. And I hope, very soon (in a couple of weeks?) to be able to actively discuss the new horse(s) I meet, how lessons are going, etc. I feel motivated. I am actively trying to take care of my body in ways I honestly never have before, because wow, I can't eat that ice cream, it's all well and good for me to accept that I'll have to carry the weight of said ice cream around but it's not fair for me to ask my future lesson horse to carry it, too. I've exercised more in the last week than I have in the last month, because I will be a better rider if I am in shape (and again, my future horse buddy's back will appreciate it) and I have no intention of stopping. Motivation!
And that's such a simple thing, right, feeling motivated? But it's something that I haven't felt for so long that I literally forgot what it felt like. When was the last time I felt genuine motivation for something? It was before May 21st, 2011, I can tell you that much. That's when I had my first major depressive break. My emotions haven't ever been the same since then. (Makes me wonder what other emotions I've forgotten about. What a strange thought.)
I'm not sure if someone who doesn't have depression can really understand what that's like, to go from being normal to being an apathetic mess to slowly trying to crawl your way to normality again. Thinking you're doing fine, and then something happens and you backslide; thinking you're doing fine, and then something happens that makes you feel good and you realize that actually you hadn't been doing fine at all. (Similarly, I know that there are experiences that are normal for other people that I won't ever be able to understand. We try our best, yeah? Let me know if I ever mess up too badly.) I tend to think that everyone has depression, because that's what we humans do, right, we think that our normal is normal for everyone, even if we know it's not. So if you're reading this, and you have depression, hey. fist bump Hang in there, buddy. Just take one step at a time. I'm happy to talk about it, if you want to. And if you're reading this and you don't have depression, then hey, maybe I can explain some things. Or maybe not, but hopefully I'll have horse pics to share soon, and who doesn't love horse pics?
I have much, much more to write, but I have work I need to do right now. Ugh, capitalism, amirite?
And that's such a simple thing, right, feeling motivated? But it's something that I haven't felt for so long that I literally forgot what it felt like. When was the last time I felt genuine motivation for something? It was before May 21st, 2011, I can tell you that much. That's when I had my first major depressive break. My emotions haven't ever been the same since then. (Makes me wonder what other emotions I've forgotten about. What a strange thought.)
I'm not sure if someone who doesn't have depression can really understand what that's like, to go from being normal to being an apathetic mess to slowly trying to crawl your way to normality again. Thinking you're doing fine, and then something happens and you backslide; thinking you're doing fine, and then something happens that makes you feel good and you realize that actually you hadn't been doing fine at all. (Similarly, I know that there are experiences that are normal for other people that I won't ever be able to understand. We try our best, yeah? Let me know if I ever mess up too badly.) I tend to think that everyone has depression, because that's what we humans do, right, we think that our normal is normal for everyone, even if we know it's not. So if you're reading this, and you have depression, hey. fist bump Hang in there, buddy. Just take one step at a time. I'm happy to talk about it, if you want to. And if you're reading this and you don't have depression, then hey, maybe I can explain some things. Or maybe not, but hopefully I'll have horse pics to share soon, and who doesn't love horse pics?
I have much, much more to write, but I have work I need to do right now. Ugh, capitalism, amirite?