Trotters, Arabians, Donkeys and Other People - Page 182 - The Horse Forum
 7078Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
post #1811 of 1868 Old 05-12-2019, 09:33 PM Thread Starter
Trained
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 6,719
• Horses: 3
FOR THOSE WITH DIFFICULT MOTHER'S DAYS

I don't mean to dampen the mood, and I don't need sympathy as I've worked through all this stuff; I'm just posting this for anyone here who's had a difficult time growing up, and wants to talk about it (or at least know that other people out there exist who get it).

This morning, one of my adopted sisters and I were discussing Mother's Day and our mixed feelings about it personally, due to our own mothers. Here's what I wrote for an emotional abuse website a couple of years ago when I was still doing a lot of processing post my complex PTSD diagnosis from growing up in a violent and emotionally unsupportive environment.

When I was a tiny little girl and in kindergarten for the first year, we all did an art project for Mother’s Day. We made paper mache clowns, with big paper tunics for bodies and colourful wool for hair. We painted the faces and tunics, and then our teachers gave us chocolates with which to fill up their tunics. These were taped shut at the bottom and this made a solid base for the clown to stand on. The project took weeks and I was so excited. Such colourful clowns filled with chocolate! I mean, a *clown*! *Chocolate*! And the two put together like that! It seemed like total genius to little me and like the other kids, I couldn’t wait for Mother’s Day to arrive.

I woke up very early in the morning and excitedly carried the clown into my parents’ bedroom. I said to my mother, “Happy Mother’s Day!” And she frowned and, “What is *that*???” I said, “It’s a clown. I made it. It’s full of chocolate!” And she said, “I don’t like it.” I ran out of the room bawling. I heard my father remonstrating with my mother, and my mother saying, “I’m not going to lie!”

That was the first Mother’s Day I remember. And really, nothing ever changed. Handmade projects from school were shrugged off – the workmanship clearly wasn’t of a high enough standard. So after a while I bought things, and got, “You couldn’t even be bothered making something for me!” But that was better than having my work belittled. Nothing I ever bought was ever good enough either. I remember when I was a university student, and living below the poverty line on a government living allowance. I’d spent $2 on a beaten-up scratched old aluminium frypan with a faulty regulator for my own use. I’d noticed my mother’s electric frypan was scratched and worse for wear on a visit home, and spent half a year saving up over $50 to buy her a lovely, state-of-the-art, gleaming new electric frypan for Mother’s Day. She did like to cook, and had no recreational hobbies, so not an easy person to get something for. When I presented her with the electric frypan and a smile, she said, “What’s this? Something for the kitchen? Is that all you think I’m good for? A kitchen slave?”

She was always complaining about having no dishwasher, so when I started my very first paid work after university, I spent my very first fortnightly pay cheque going halves on a super-modern, top-range dishwasher with a sibling. That managed to fall flat as well – she didn’t like the dishwasher. No rational reason she could give. She did use it, but was never happy about it. She didn’t maintain it by cleaning the seals, filters and arms, and so the arms clogged up and the dishwasher started leaking, and she’d complain about what a crappy dishwasher it was at the next opportunity. We’d show her how to clean the seals and clean out the arms etc, and she’d say, “What’s the point of having a dishwasher if you have to do things like that?” After that I stopped giving presents that required saving up and thought, and gave little throwaway trinkets and a card; occasionally Interflora flowers.

Twenty years later, I only sent a card for the first time in my life, and wasn’t around to hear the moaning about what a cheapskate I am and how I don’t honour my own mother after all she did for me. This year, she won’t even get a card; nor will my father. Having been diagnosed with PTSD in my early 40s from multiple childhood trauma – witnessing domestic violence from a very early age, being the target of domestic violence from a very early age, being the family scapegoat, being physically and emotionally abused and emotionally neglected throughout my childhood, never being able to talk about it as a child for fear of repercussions – things began to make sense and I started to see things very differently, to stop participating in their surface show of “happy families”, and to stop making excuses for my parents’ behaviour and putting up with that behaviour.

I went no contact just over a year ago and it was the best decision I ever made with regards to them, and I wish I’d done it much earlier. I don’t visit, I don’t take phone calls, their emails go into the junk bin unread, I ignore and give away their presents after sending them back didn’t work. I don’t owe them any of my time or thoughts; these are so much better used in the consideration of the many other human beings around who benefit from a person’s time and thoughts. No more trying to talk it through, no more listening to excuses or stories of what an awful child I was, no more waiting for an apology, no more arguing about what constitutes appropriate behaviour or loving behaviour, no more services bestowed, no more, full stop.

This is simply about living a positive life and no longer giving any time and effort to things that have no positive value.

All the best to all of you out there who have been there too.


If you relate, you might like this article:

https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.c...n-mothers-day/

...and that website in general. Kudos to Veronica for starting this site, it's an excellent resource.

PS: These days I'm low-contact with my family of origin. I don't respond to any crap on email, and I don't take phone calls. Occasionally short messages are exchanged, mostly about the horses I have adopted. An attempt made to give them another chance a year or so after I wrote the above marooned, as always happened before, and as always will unless people are willing to listen, and to take a good look at themselves.

SueC is time travelling.

Last edited by SueC; 05-12-2019 at 09:40 PM.
SueC is offline  
post #1812 of 1868 Old 05-12-2019, 09:55 PM
Started
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 2,209
• Horses: 0
I “like” it only because you wrote it well and because of your ability to take a step away. I am sorry Mother’s Day is difficult for you. I cannot even imagine reacting to my children’s excitement with that sort of expression. Any show of their love is a huge excitement for me, and I wish that your mother had felt the way about you that I do about my children.

I wish all parents felt a love for their children, and had an ability to express that love.
gottatrot, SueC and knightrider like this.

Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you? - Balaam’s Donkey
Knave is online now  
post #1813 of 1868 Old 05-12-2019, 09:58 PM
Foal
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Southern Nevada
Posts: 178
• Horses: 0
@SueC I'm so sorry! I grew up in a "Yours Mine and Ours" family and your post reminded me to message my sister. Mother's day can be difficult for her.
MissLulu is offline  
post #1814 of 1868 Old 05-12-2019, 10:04 PM Thread Starter
Trained
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 6,719
• Horses: 3
I second that, @Knave . ...clearly, some people's capacity to love is either nonexistent or broken. No wishing changes it, and I'd like people to know that.

Your Mother's Day entry on your journal, though, made my day. Just because sometimes there is no cause for celebration, doesn't mean there aren't lots of mothers worth celebrating too. I love the stories where love is present, and am always so happy for the people in it. Happy Mother's Day, @Knave !
gottatrot, knightrider and Knave like this.

SueC is time travelling.
SueC is offline  
post #1815 of 1868 Old 05-12-2019, 10:08 PM Thread Starter
Trained
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 6,719
• Horses: 3
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissLulu View Post
@SueC I'm so sorry! I grew up in a "Yours Mine and Ours" family and your post reminded me to message my sister. Mother's day can be difficult for her.
Ah, so you'll know all about that then! And I'm sure you've also found, like many people in our position, that friends are your chosen family, and can more than compensate for not having much luck in your family of origin. Best wishes to you, @MissLulu .

SueC is time travelling.
SueC is offline  
post #1816 of 1868 Old 05-13-2019, 05:53 AM
Yearling
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Toledo, Spain
Posts: 1,007
• Horses: 0
I can relate. My mother was Army-raised, and during/after WWII, I know how important her behavior was on Base, as it reflected her father's respectability (especially when he was head officer on their base in Yokohama during reconstruction). So, I fully comprehend that, as she lived in a demanding environment as a child, the environment I was raised in was equally demanding, even though I believe she made a conscious effort to take it down a notch.

So, being aware of this, I have also been trying to take things down a notch in raising my own children. There are times that I actually compare myself to her and think, "Oh, no! Did I just say something my mother would have said?" In fact, to take stress off my kids, I don't even ask them their grades, as I see that they are already demanding with themselves, so I do not want to add to that stress. Instead, they willingly come to me with their grades, looking for approval and advice, which I take to be a good thing.

Having my mother on the other side of the world can be a blessing. However, when I go to the States, I have to live with her for several weeks. Of course, everything must be done on her terms, but her quarrels were never with me and always with my father.

Since my father's death, inevitably, the family dynamic has changed, and last summer I saw her pick fights with my sister, BIL and myself. And, after her sister's recent demise and death from Alzheimer's, I have started to witness other suspicious changes in her demeanor. Perhaps she is started her own decline? So, it is hard for me to now say whether it is her personality, perhaps affected by depression, or her physical state. The one thing I cannot get out of my head was how, this past August and in front of my children, she called me a "blonde bimbo" because I was dressed to go out. All I can remember is the wide-eyed look on my sons' faces. Was she intentially inappropriate, or was her brain chosing inappropriate words for "pretty"? Are her social filters shutting down? Either way, it is something I cannot tolerate in front of my kids this summer.

Gut-spilling done.
gottatrot, egrogan, SueC and 2 others like this.
Spanish Rider is offline  
post #1817 of 1868 Old 05-13-2019, 08:57 AM Thread Starter
Trained
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 6,719
• Horses: 3
, @Spanish Rider , you - a bimbo??? That's extraordinary. Is your mother jealous of your intellect? Or just generally trying to make herself feel better by putting you down? ...loss of faculties with age is one thing, but like alcohol, I sort of think it just brings out what was already under the surface. If people get nasty, then I think it was already in them; they just have a weaker filter for it. So tell me how you really feel, mother!

I don't know why some people think that having children entitles them to treat their children like crap. Because that's what this is.

Big to you. You might like the Invisible Scar website. It took me quite a while as an adult to figure out just how unacceptable my parents' behaviour towards me was - I'd been so conditioned. Of course I could see it if someone else was treated like that by somebody else, but with them and me, it's how it always was, and intellectual understanding of their behaviour being unacceptable was a far easier thing to acquire (had that as a teenager, and left home at 16, with the help of my university) than emotional understanding (that wasn't till my early 40s). Not until the wall came down I'd had to put up as a child just to survive emotionally. Everything is so different since that happened. Have you ever looked up Stockholm syndrome? Yet some people grow up like that...

It's so nice that you were able to make things better for your own family than they had been for you. And it's great that you care. I don't have the answers for all this stuff, but I can tell the difference between someone who cares about others, and someone who really doesn't, no matter how much lip service they pay to the idea.

Another big to you. And I'm looking forward to hearing about your trail riding date!

SueC is time travelling.
SueC is offline  
post #1818 of 1868 Old 05-13-2019, 11:06 AM
Yearling
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Toledo, Spain
Posts: 1,007
• Horses: 0
Please don't get me wrong! My mother is not a bad mother. She has always been supportive of both my sister and myself, and she has spent the last 8 years taking care of my ill father and aunt all alone (I am very far away, and my sister's daughter has cystic fibrosis, which is a disease that requires daily treatments every morning and evening.). So, I believe that that has taken it's toll, both physically and psychologically.

I'd hate to think what my children will say about me in the future!
SueC, knightrider and Knave like this.
Spanish Rider is offline  
post #1819 of 1868 Old 05-13-2019, 11:43 AM
Started
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 2,209
• Horses: 0
Reminded me of you this morning.
SueC and knightrider like this.

Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you? - Balaam’s Donkey
Knave is online now  
post #1820 of 1868 Old 05-13-2019, 02:13 PM Thread Starter
Trained
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 6,719
• Horses: 3
That's a beautiful song, @Knave , thanks for bringing it into my world! A lot of people write about this, don't they? And it's a really common thread that adversity is part of what brings out the best in us - well, for some of us. An alternative response is apparently to make other people suffer once you get the chance - a road taken by bullies, and narcissists, and sociopaths in general. I've never understood that - why someone who has known hurt should want to make others suffer - but crime dramas are full of specimens like that!

I think you and your girls will like this one:

knightrider likes this.

SueC is time travelling.
SueC is offline  
Reply

Tags
donkeys , free-ranging horses , french trotters , life & the universe , riding standardbreds

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the The Horse Forum forums, you must first register.

Already have a Horse Forum account?
Members are allowed only one account per person at the Horse Forum, so if you've made an account here in the past you'll need to continue using that account. Please do not create a new account or you may lose access to the Horse Forum. If you need help recovering your existing account, please Contact Us. We'll be glad to help!

New to the Horse Forum?
Please choose a username you will be satisfied with using for the duration of your membership at the Horse Forum. We do not change members' usernames upon request because that would make it difficult for everyone to keep track of who is who on the forum. For that reason, please do not incorporate your horse's name into your username so that you are not stuck with a username related to a horse you may no longer have some day, or use any other username you may no longer identify with or care for in the future.



User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Looking up arabians and half arabians on data source! Twilight Arabians Horse Breeds 48 11-17-2013 08:21 PM
Arabians & Half-Arabians in Florida? RunRideNDive Horse Breeds 1 10-16-2012 04:48 PM
Come watch the Arabians and Half-Arabians compete at Dressage at Lexington July 13-15 HGEsquire Horse Shows 8 07-06-2012 07:12 PM
Introducing my Herd of Arabians and Half Arabians :) Spirit Thyme Horse Pictures 51 09-25-2010 11:52 PM
People with Arabians: What saddle do you use and like? Wallaby Horse Tack and Equipment 4 05-27-2009 12:05 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome