I'm Angry Today. At my granbaby's dad. - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 62 Old 02-21-2019, 02:45 PM Thread Starter
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I'm Angry Today. At my granbaby's dad.

I'm going to vent a little here, so bear with me.

Daughter is 21, a single mom. Granbaby will be one in 6 days. The Ex was daughters fiance-to-be. He's the one that every single one of our horses hated. He's the one old Superman tried to kill in a round pen, and was so angry with him, he threatened me and two other people for getting in the round pen with him that day.

None of them liked him. He made a hot mess out of Trigger and that's my fault for not seeing him for what he really is: An emotionally unstable young man with a small member and an enormous, ego, with easily wounded pride with hard hands and tendency to be absolutely vicious.

They saw him for what he is, and they were honest about it. They tried to tell me and everyone else about it and I didn't listen.

Okay.

He has very little to do with his own daughter, my granbaby. He reluctantly but voluntarily pays child support. He is a lineman, he's somewhere several hours away, so he's gone most of the time. When he's 'in', he lies and says he isn't here so he won't be expected to keep or visit with his own infant daughter. He'd rather party with his bros. His father isn't a lot better than him, he's also a lineman. He likes to be grandpa when it's convenient and 'cool'. Stepmother has her hands full, she works full time, has a daughter with her current husband/babydaddy's dad, and an autistic son from a former marriage. Babydaddy's real mom lives in Plano in a high end gated community and sees baby as it's convenient and 'cool' for her. Daughter and baby have wisely moved back home with us so we can help with baby. Daughter goes to college and works full time. I have issues with her not wanting to give up the party life as well, but she's finally realizing she needs to grow up. I keep my foot on her neck and refuse to watch grandbaby so she can party. That's a hard no. Raise your kid.

Anyway.

This means my husband and I, the grandparents, and my parents, are the primary care givers.

We have a big family trip to Destin FL planned in May. We're taking grandbaby. Daughter can't go, she can't get off work. My parents are going, my son, and he is taking two friends (all three are 17), and my husband is going.

My parents, the baby, and I are leaving a day early, stopping at the halfway mark in Vicksburg MS, which is a 6 hour drive for us. I've traveled with babies and toddlers before - we took my son and daughter on many many road trips. It requires extra stops, I get it.

This morning daughter had him on facetime, talking to baby. She politely said: Oh yeah, mom and dad, mimi and papa, are going to take her to Florida next month for a few days.

All hell broke loose. He said some things I can't repeat here, not knowing I was sitting on the couch myself, having my coffee. Lots of F words were said, that we effing won't take HIS daughter ANYWHERE without his permission, blahblahblah. My husband was in our room, getting dressed for work and wasn't aware of this.

Ex talked to my daughter like she was an old dog. And she let him. My eyebrows crawled straight up my forehead. I've caught him verbally abusing my daughter before, and he didn't know I was listening then, and that's when they were dating. I called him out for it then. That's the first time I started seeing in him what I believe my horses knew about him already.

The ugly, abusive, belittling, cussing talk went on a little more, I finally uttered: I'll take my granddaughter anywhere I darn well choose. He mouthed off, I got up, felt it was best I walk away and cool off, but the more I thought about it, the more I heard him running his head, the angrier I got. I was shaking so hard my coffee was slopping out of a half-full cup.

I returned to the living room, told daughter to turn the phone around, told her I wanted a word with him, and returned fire in language just as coarse and low-brow as he was using. I made it clear, under no uncertain terms, would he talk to me or about me, my parents, or to my daughter, like that ever again. I also made it clear he hasn't earned the right to call the shots on how we're raising our own grandbaby. He has in no way been a daddy to her. I also told him his only chance in Hell of being allowed back on our property, since my husband banned him months ago, was me. I had hoped he would grow up, get some sense in his head, and would grow a pair, and come talk to us as a man, not mouth off on social media or continue to be so abusive to our daughter via phone. This morning proved I was wrong to hold out hope. I told him if I ever saw him on my place again in the future (As in, if he showed up personally) I would hand out a country butt whipping. And if he presumed to tell my father how HE was in charge and not us, my FATHER would hand out an old man country butt whipping.

This is a very glossed over rendition of what I actually said. What I actually said would shock and mortify the roughest sort of people. And I meant it. I wasn't bluffing. I meant every word of what I said to him. And he knows it. He tried to crawfish, but I blistered him good. I have spent my day in a fog of rage. I'm not a fighter by nature, but when my family, specifically kids or grandkid are threatened or abused, I react badly. That's when I come up swinging.

I've seen the worst side of this guy, and I'm disappointed, I'm angry, and most of all, I will not tolerate someone who has to make someone feel bad just to bolster their own fragile pride and inflated ego. Those are the worst of the worst, and that's the kind of guy that progresses from verbally abusing a woman to hitting her. It also scares me that he'll eventually want to be all up in grandbaby's life, and with that attitude, he'll treat her the same way someday. I will not see the joy in that baby's eyes snuffed out by a weak man who should have been her daddy, not just someone that sired her.

I'm venting here because this is somewhere that no one will be spreading it around town, gossiping about it, or running to him to show him what I've said. I don't air this sort of stuff out on social media, but I had to vent.

I'm going to have to have a Coming to Jesus talk with Daughter too. She talks a good talk, but when it comes time to display that she has a backbone, she won't. She's letting him treat her like this, and as long as she'll allow him to do this, he'll keep on with it and it will escalate. I understand she's still hurt over being left, over seeing him for what he really is, and she's doing her best to keep the peace with him, but enough. She has to grow a spine when it comes to the guys in her life, including the father of her baby, and she has to do it for her daughter's sake - even if she won't do it for herself.

I think I'm done venting. For the moment. I'm still beyond angry though. Smoulder rage, maybe even wrath, are good words for it.

"We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that death will tremble to take us."
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post #2 of 62 Old 02-21-2019, 03:10 PM
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I get that you're upset, and as a mother I would be too, and I also get that you haven't asked for advice, but...

Just to be clear, this guy is paying some kind of child support. You do, legally, have the right to take grandbaby out of the state, whether he agrees or not? Because if that is at all in doubt, he sounds like the kind of person who might try to fight it in court.

ETA: Also I'm sorry he's treating your daughter like this.
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post #3 of 62 Old 02-21-2019, 03:11 PM
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My uncle is exactly like that. Terrible to his wife and kids and everything. I'm sorry.

No matter how much you think you know about horses, there will always be one that'll come along and teach you something new.
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post #4 of 62 Old 02-21-2019, 03:16 PM
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I can completely understand where you are coming from - and although you did not ask for advice I am going to give it. Grandparents have NO RIGHTS at all - and unless there is a custody agreement in place he can (and eventually will) call some of the shots with his child. Regardless of whether or not he chooses to see her or not see her. If I were you I would look into some type of shared guardianship with your grandchild. That way you do have some say in what happens.

I know from my own experience - that this can get ugly and the courts generally side with the parent (no matter how crappy they are)

Take a deep breath
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post #5 of 62 Old 02-21-2019, 03:24 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ACinATX View Post
I get that you're upset, and as a mother I would be too, and I also get that you haven't asked for advice, but...

Just to be clear, this guy is paying some kind of child support. You do, legally, have the right to take grandbaby out of the state, whether he agrees or not? Because if that is at all in doubt, he sounds like the kind of person who might try to fight it in court.

ETA: Also I'm sorry he's treating your daughter like this.

He's paying under the table. There's no court ordered custody and c.s. order in place. Regardless, with the permission of grandbaby's MOTHER, my daughter, we would have the right to do so.


BTW - I work for an attorney. I've done this for 20+ years. Family law/custody was the bread and butter of my last boss (The one chased out of a horse pen while trying to gift said horse with watermelon). With the written permission of the custodial parent (That would be my daughter), I can take my grandbaby anywhere in the US. I can't take her say, to Mexico, I don't think, without both parent's consent (Though I have taken minors out of the country before - we took daughters bff in HS with us to Cozumel one summer... TSA didn't even look at the letter the girl's mom provided, per their own regulations - just her passport)

"We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that death will tremble to take us."
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post #6 of 62 Old 02-21-2019, 03:49 PM
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@AtokaGhosthorse I'm glad you know the in's and out's of the very frustrating family law world, and have people you can tap into for advice.



I hope your daughter finds her backbone and more importantly , her self worth. It's going to be a rough road without either of those assets.


Won't offer advice, just some support. Please vent when ever the need arises. It's hard enough when you personally go through something like this, but to watch your daughter...it just twists you up.


Hang in, you are one strong lady!

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says, "Oh crap, she's up!".
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post #7 of 62 Old 02-21-2019, 04:04 PM Thread Starter
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TY.



Yeah, legally, even if there was a custody order in place, the only way he could stop it, since we'd have the custodial parent (Our daughter)'s permission, would be to file an emergency ex parte order with the Court.


A friend of ours who's the family law judge here says it would be darn near impossible to convince a judge to stop us from taking her on a 5 day vacation, in the continental US, so from a legal stand point, I know what's up. This is all I've done for 20 years, so I know who to tap as you said. The attorney I work for now doesn't do family law (yuck, we all agree, that genre of law practice sucks), but y'know. Yeah. At my last place of work, that's all I did for 12 years, day in, day out.


So.


That leaves me with the thing that really made me angry - the abuse, the need to be a bad***, to try to control my daughter. She better get that backbone sorted - because also being in this line of work - I do DHS adoptions. Can't tell you how many kids get beaten nearly to death by abusive men hooked up with a momma. It's horrifying what they do to someone else's daughters and sons. I don't want my grandchild/ren becoming a statistic.

"We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that death will tremble to take us."
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post #8 of 62 Old 02-21-2019, 04:09 PM
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AtokaGhostHorse, is your daughter afraid of him, and of upsetting him? Or, and I hope this is NOT a possibility, is she hopeful of a possible future with him? Sorry if I'm prying, but it does help with developing a backbone to know which it is.



Just so you know, I grew an iron backbone because I knew I did not want a future with my son's father.

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says, "Oh crap, she's up!".
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post #9 of 62 Old 02-21-2019, 04:27 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Walkamile View Post
AtokaGhostHorse, is your daughter afraid of him, and of upsetting him? Or, and I hope this is NOT a possibility, is she hopeful of a possible future with him? Sorry if I'm prying, but it does help with developing a backbone to know which it is.



Just so you know, I grew an iron backbone because I knew I did not want a future with my son's father.

I don't know. This is weird to me, to my husband. We didn't raise her to be afraid of anyone. I've dealt with an Always Angry Father - I'm so glad my dad grew up himself, but he was never verbally abusive and belittling to us. Just quick to fire with his belt if you disrespected him or broke their rules - and they weren't even strict parents. We just knew to not challenge him. He was the undisputed alpha - but he EARNED it and he balanced it with love and joy. He didn't grind us under.


It made me grow up to be a strong, confident woman. My daughter though? We don't get it.


I think... she has a low self-esteem. She's not... a petite.... young lady. She's nearly 6ft tall, wears a size 11 shoe. She's not well put together in terms of build - she inherited my long legs, but my husband's build - no waist, no butt, no boobs, she's build like a brick wall. She's a big ol' gal.

I don't think she thinks she's pretty enough, sexy enough for a better class of man. Which astounds me. But low self-esteem is where a lot of this comes from in other women (tolerating abuse), so why not her? It's either that, or she's... so hurt? And lonely, she'll put up with it.

I plan to have a sit-down with her. She's dated some really atrocious, low class young men, to our horror, and I think it's because she feels she has no other choice. She needs to respect herself more than that, and be willing to hold out for WOW, not He'll Do.

Let me give you an example of the first time I saw his true colors.

I was in the kitchen, doing dishes and had dinner on. He was in the living room, sitting in Hub's recliner. Daughter was BIG pregnant, sitting on the couch. He was yaking about something, she gave him an absent Uh Huh... sure... and I heard him SNAP his fingers at her, super loud, and say: You better effing be looking at ME when I'm talking to you.

By then, I was looking at him.

Hard looking.

He looked up, saw me, and his face turned bright red.

I said: She may not have been looking at you, but I damn sure am. Don't you ever talk to her like that again.

Apparently, my warning didn't take hold.

I've caught him via facetime barking orders at grandbaby to stop 'whining' when she's getting tired of being held in Daughter's lap for the visit on the phone and wants down to play. My GOD man. She's not even a year old yet.!? and you're talking to your own baby like that?

I just... IDK. I think I understand now why Superman actually tried to kill him, why Sarge hates him, and why Trigger was terrified of him. Gina wouldn't let him touch her, she'd stay just out of reach and act like she was ignoring him. He used to raise hell about Oops and how she was mean and stubborn... I overheard him mouth off once how she needed a bullet in her head.

No, I think she just didn't like him. They knew what this kid was and is, and for all I can usually sniff one out pretty quick, he had me fooled for too long. Now that I see him for what he is, I can't get over how fragile his ego is and how vicious he is when he's challenged or has his pride wounded... but he doesn't have the sand to repeat himself to my husband or any other man 'bigger' than him. He picks his 'victims' carefully, and I think he used to try to subtly bully our horses... and they lashed out at him, each in their own way.

"We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that death will tremble to take us."
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post #10 of 62 Old 02-21-2019, 05:03 PM
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My daughter learned on her own what two of her children's father was like. I tried to tell her but she just wouldn't see it until they finally split and she was on her own with two kids. There was a court order for child support and visitation (thanks to me paying for a lawyer), but he has almost never paid the child support. And it's all of about $200 per month for two kids!! The few times he has paid it - not out of choice - he's then called her and berated her for doing something like getting her hair done. Because apparently his $200 a couple of times per year puts her in a position to lavish herself with goodies...LOL!

Anyway, at first he just didn't see the kids like his visitation said he should, until he got with someone else and was expecting another baby. Then all of a sudden he wanted to be Mr. Dad...on his terms. He'd ask to see the kids when it wasn't his weekend. Or, he'd find out when my daughter had plans with the kids and say it was his weekend he had a right to see them. Silent for months, she'd plan a trip to see us or something, and all of a sudden it was his weekend and he would call the cops if she didn't show up when she was supposed to. And of course only showed up around their birthdays with expensive gifts that were unnecessary.

I told her years ago that he was manipulative and she couldn't see it. After he started only showing up when she had other plans she realized I was right. Now she stands up to him. He only calls the kids on holidays, and blames her for them not caring to talk much to him. She doesn't say bad things about him to the kids, they have seen it on their own too. He lives about 8 hours away and gets mad at her when she won't bring the kids to him when it's his weekend.

I think some people just don't see what jacka$$'s they really are. Maybe they grew up that way, or think it's fun to see how they can get people to do what they want, or they're just plain mean people. I don't know. But most of the time someone in your daughter's - and mine - situation, they have to see it for themselves. They have to be continually inconvenienced or embarrassed by how they're being treated before they stand on their own two feet and say No. Or they have to find someone that does treat them right before they see how they were being treated badly.


Hang in there, hopefully he'll find someone else and move on. It's unfortunate that some kids can't have two loving parents in their lives, but sometimes it's better if one (or both) of the parents aren't involved. The best you can do is make sure your granddaughter is safe and well cared for and sees how loving people treat each other. Your daughter may just have to figure out on her own how to stand up for herself. Because unfortunately grandparents do not have a lot of rights.
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