I'm Angry Today. At my granbaby's dad. - Page 2 - The Horse Forum
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post #11 of 62 Old 02-21-2019, 06:00 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you, @Kriva . I've been sitting here this afternoon, kinda... finally over the rage... but in it's wake is emotional exhaustion. I'm just wrung dry now.

But I could real lively in a hurry if I had to deal with the jackwagon again before the sunsets.

*sigh*

I just... don't get it about her and why she allows him to treat her like this, esp in the presence of their daughter.

My trail riding friend went through an abusive marriage, and finally got enough. We don't discuss what happened to her in detail, I don't pry and she doesn't volunteer. This was during our 'grown apart' stage.

She found her backbone somewhere in all that, and now she's a force to reckon with. I've asked her to talk to my daughter, privately, in the past, if we can ever get her out camping with us. She said it'll have to be handled delicately because for some reason, women like my daughter, like my friend used to be, will run right TO that sort of man if you start harping on them to get away from that type of man. But she's been willing in the past. I know she's still willing. It's just a matter of the opportune moment presenting itself. Hopefully she can get through to my daughter if I can't.


I did notice, when daughter was with him, and before she got pregnant, she was starting to behave like him around the horses - his ignorance and being more of the type to bulldog a horse into submission, rather than take the time to understand them was wearing off on her. I'm glad he's gone and she'll listen to me now. Someone was going to get horribly hurt. I also noticed our dogs didn't like him. He'd order them around, demand they sit and the tone he used wasn't an alpha tone, it was aggressive. I kept thinking he was just young and brash, showing off.


One dog, which we no longer have, Hank, actually got enough of him and lunged for him one night. I wasn't there, Hub's was. Hub's said he couldn't blame the dog on that.


You know it's bad when horses and dogs hate someone.

"We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that death will tremble to take us."
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post #12 of 62 Old 02-21-2019, 06:22 PM
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How frustrating this situation must be for you , Ghost. We love our children, but sometimes they disappoint us. Somehow, she needs some successes that make her feel proud of herself, and we can't manufacture that for them.


My thoughts on this are:


1. Document interactions . . . when he visits, or calls. I might even record the conversations, if he is being verbally abusive. at some time in the future, you may need proof, if your daughter seeks sole custody.


2. As your grandbaby grows, be very careful not to badmouth her father within her hearing. That father is part of HER, so to badmouth him is to critisize her, in a strange way. When my parents divorced, my mother often badmouthed my dad (who was a great guy, just not perfect). This only made me resent my MOM more.
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post #13 of 62 Old 02-21-2019, 06:56 PM
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The one most unsettling thing about this is you daughter allows it. If his verbal abuse turns to physical abuse it can have a bad ending. I know I'm a man telling a woman about what should be allowed probably won't settle well. If your daughter allows it now she may fall into the abused woman syndrome where she gets into a series of relationships being treated the same way in all of them. Please don't let her allow it now and stay away from men with the same personalities in the future. There are too many good men out there to settle for low life's like this, help her stop it NOW!
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post #14 of 62 Old 02-21-2019, 07:46 PM
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Just got back from a class. I think you are correct about low self esteem, and this guy worked it against her. They do that. My ex had convinced me over time that my family tolerated me because of their love for him!!!!


When I left with my infant son, it took me a long time to feel like a person again. The one thing I asked of my family, was that they never say anything negative about my son's father to my son. Basically, if you have nothing good to say, say nothing. So that is what they did.


My son grew up and has a relationship, though difficult, with his father. Many times he came to me and vented about the man. I listened, and would tell him, this is who your father is. He will not change. So, if you want him in your life, you know what the limitations are.


Early in my divorce, my ex would try to speak to me in the same demeaning and debasing way. I told him, calmly and without emotion, that would no longer be tolerated. I would hang up, if on the phone. If in person, I would shut the door on him. I also told him the police were aware of our situation, and one call they would be there pronto. He was more afraid of public exposure then anything.



We actually have a fairly cordial relationship now, it has been almost 40 years since our divorce.



Fortunately my son had a remarkable man come into his life when he was 5. My DH is the man that taught my son how to be a good man, husband and wonderful father, and he will tell you that.


@AtokaGhosthorse if your daughter could get some much needed counseling to help her see that she is a valuable person, it would be so helpful. Of course, that would be her choice. I couldn't afford counseling, but knew I was so badly damaged that until I fixed myself, I would attract that same kind of man. I stayed single for a long time and worked on bettering myself and in the long run healing.

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says, "Oh crap, she's up!".
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post #15 of 62 Old 02-22-2019, 10:45 AM Thread Starter
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I would love her to get some counseling, but I don't think she'll ever do that - she doesn't recognize she has a problem. Until she does, all the asking and begging in the world won't work, and with her, she's so. hard. headed. we'd end up in a knock down drag out. That's happened before when we found out she was hanging out not at a friend's house regularly, but at that friend's MOMMA'S house - the uncle of the friend is a big time meth dealer, a suspected rapist, and generally a horrible person.


She was 18 at the time, and pulled the old I'm 18 I can do whatever I want card on us. Things went violently downhill from there. It was not the finest hour for either us. But the point is, we had to come to fisticuffs for me to get it through her head that yes that guy IS as bad as everyone was telling her, YES he's the biggest dope dealer in the county, YES he has probably drugged and raped women in the past. YES he was likely to force meth on her to get a new customer and rape her too while he was at it.

I don't understand how she can be so hard headed and yet allow this ex to treat her like this.

"We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that death will tremble to take us."

Last edited by AtokaGhosthorse; 02-22-2019 at 10:52 AM.
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post #16 of 62 Old 02-22-2019, 11:24 AM
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I really do think that your daughter is afraid of this man and she might have good cause to be or at least firmly believe that she has good cause to be.
Speaking as someone who, like your daughter, was brought up to be tough, independent, and never afraid to speak my mind and stand up for my rights I think I can maybe understand what could be happening now.
I made the mistake of marrying the wrong person when I was very young. Unlike your grandchild's father, my ex was charming in front of all of my family. Before we married he was loving, romantic and attentive towards me. As soon as we married he was a different person, mentally and physically abusive. I've never figured out why.
I'm sure he would have eventually killed me if I hadn't got the courage to get away.
Our local police were wonderful. I had good friends that supported me all the way but I've never told anyone in my family what he was really like.
As far as they know I left because he had affairs. I don't know why I've never been able to tell them but its probably because deep down I think that they will see my as something less than the strong person I was supposed to be. My parents and grandparents are all dead now but my siblings are still alive and well
It was only when we moved to the US that I felt truly safe.
Oddly enough, the pony I had when we first met hated him. She'd attack him if she got the chance, it was totally out of character for her.

Just winging it is not a plan
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post #17 of 62 Old 02-22-2019, 11:51 AM Thread Starter
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She may be scared of him. IDK. If she is, she's not admitting it, but let's all be honest - how easy is it to admit that you made such a terrible mistake and are scared of someone like him, especially to parents who you think may shame you for making such a poor choice.


*sigh*


I've not had a chance to just sit down and talk mother to daughter with her. She worked late last night, we were all exhausted when she finally got home.


I also know this isn't the first guy that's been abusive with her. SHE DID finally admit another boyfriend, back when she was 17, would hit her and leave her bruised, but he did it in places no one would ever see it - back, ribs, hips, buttocks, upper thighs, that sort of thing. He tried to hit her in the parking lot of the local hangout one night and the son of a local police officer took that guy to task, thrashed him pretty good, and that was the last they all saw of him. He left town, moved away, and last she heard he'd ended up going to prison for beating women.



Again... this just shocks and horrifies me to find out, but I've kept those thoughts as private as I could so she wouldn't think I've judged her.


I found myself in a situation with a boyfriend long ago myself where he was in the early stages of abuse - cutting me off from my friends, demanding to know my every move, getting controlling, smothering me. When I broke up with him, he threatened to kill himself. I gave him the phone number to a suicide hotline. We never spoke again. Years later, I worked with his wife at Wal Mart while daughter was an infant. She would come to work with black eyes, split lips...



Not one word from me - but I knew I'd dodged a horrible bullet. IDK if I've ever told my Daughter about that - he was a lowlife, but actually cute. He lavished me with flowers and adult/mature attention that I had never received. I was 17 and he nearly destroyed my life. I got lucky.


I hope I can get time to just sit and talk to her, and get her to open up to me and hopefully then she'll be receptive to advice and my warnings. Otherwise? I just don't know... and its leaving me exhausted emotionally.



I need horse therapy. *sigh*
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"We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that death will tremble to take us."
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post #18 of 62 Old 02-22-2019, 02:53 PM
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yes . .. horse therapy.
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post #19 of 62 Old 02-25-2019, 05:25 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tinyliny View Post
yes . .. horse therapy.
I got a little over the weekend. We were frazzled and worn out, daughter was gone to Dallas, Grandbaby was staying with her granma in Allen/Plano/McKinney...whatever... we worked on finishing off a rent house we own to get it ready to rent... Texas Granma called daughter, who had tickets for the Turnpike Troubadours Sat. night... told her Grandbaby was upset and crying all night, please come get and get her before noon because she had a hair appointment. Alternatively, could someone drop everything and come get her and meet her in Sherman, TX, an hour away.... but do so RIGHT NOW so she could still burn back to McKinney or whatever and get her hair done.

We refused. Uhm. No. You don't get to volunteer then bail when it's not as fun as you thought it would be. Daughter was in tears, tickets non-refundable, will Mimi or Papa (My nearly 70 year old parents) come get her.

No. Texas Granma needs to get a dose of being a grandma, not a grandma when it's fun and cool and convenient.

In fairness, I think grandbaby is old enough now to realize she doesn't know Texas Grandma, who no matter how nice and how much she tries, is still not Yaya (me) and she's not home. I'd prefer to see more getting together and doing things with her and grandbaby so we're there, and letting grandbaby get comfortable with the other side of her family she rarely sees, but it is what it is. I told daughter to stop this insanity, that baby is old enough now to feel separation anxiety. She feels abandoned.

Back to the drama - solution was: Baby Daddy had to come get her and keep her all weekend. Apparently - he was 'in' and hadn't told anyone. His mother knew, told him to come get baby.

Baby is now back home, back on schedule with everyone she knows.

Still haven't had an opportune moment to sit down and have a grown up, gentle talk with Daughter.
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"We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that death will tremble to take us."
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post #20 of 62 Old 02-25-2019, 06:12 PM
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Emotional abuse is a very difficult thing to recognize from the inside. The narcissists are very convincing. Plus(we see this with horses, too), women think they can “save” them, change them, make them whole again.

I went through this with my DMIL....in her middle 60’s.

I don't break horses, I FIX them!
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