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post #11 of 91 Old 02-11-2019, 10:45 PM
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I have done the married single parent thing and it isn't fun. And 15 is a difficult age. I would allow privileges only when the chores have been done. Pizza party after the game. He is allowed to go to the game (don't want to let the team down and exercise is important) but no pizza party if all the chores that week weren't done. Hanging out with friends. Only if all the chores this week have been done.



Can he do something to earn the jacket? Extra projects around the house (something you would normally do yourself or hire someone), helping out an elderly neighbor or family member.



And you are not being mean. It is important for him to learn to be responsible and do his chores without being asked.
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post #12 of 91 Old 02-11-2019, 10:47 PM
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on my best day I couldn't get my son to gather bagloads of stuff to throw out. He is a hoarder. I have to ride my kids like a jockey to get them to do anything significant. I'm way too lax on them. way.
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post #13 of 91 Old 02-11-2019, 11:02 PM
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Farmpony, Just remember YOU are the parent and he is the child. If you try to be his friend instead of the leader he won't respect you. Sounds like some of that has happened already. You wouldn't allow that in your horse or he wouldn't respect you so why would you expect your son to be any different. My three daughters got jobs as soon as they could because they wanted to be independent. Two before they could drive and we drove them to their part time jobs when they were in school. All three worked when they went to college for extra spending money. We paid most of their college and all their lodging. Now today they are all very successful women and have their own children , who the two grandchildren that are driving have part time jobs. I could not be prouder of my daughters. They always had responsibilities and chores to do around the house too. They are all leaders, the oldest has a six figure job, one right at six figures and the other very close. More than their father ever made. Having a job and responsibilities is the best thing for ALL youngsters. Help him be responsible and a leader. Most importantly he will know the value of a dollar and how to save for things.

Last edited by ksbowman; 02-11-2019 at 11:12 PM.
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post #14 of 91 Old 02-11-2019, 11:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by farmpony84 View Post
So... I went to the booster club meeting and when I got back his room was clean. FOUR trashbags full. Not kitchen bags. Outdoor garbage can bags! The clothes was put up and the bed was made. The floor is still sticky so I told him it's not done until he steam cleans the floor. His bathroom is not done. I fed the pig and the living room is not vacuumed. But I do have about 8 forks, 6 plates, and a bowl that I forgot I had...

So that's a plus right? No jacket though. Finish the room, feed the pig, vacuum, and the bathroom... (It's HIS bathroom).

I do not like being the mean person. I hate it. I really, really hate it.

Husband wants to take stuff away because it's easier. But then he travels a lot so he isn't the one that gets to play single parent. It's hard being a married single parent. I don't know how real single parents do it!

OH... And he's 15
He's 15, can you sit down and actually have an adult conversation with him? He should understand that you provide for him, right? He gets to live in your house for free and you're asking him to do very basic things. But, I remember my mom asking me to do something really easy like empty the dishwasher or vacuum a portion of the house, and I'd get home from school and sit in front of the tv. And then when she brought up that it hadn't been done I'd pout or act like my day at school had been too hard, why should I have to come home and work? Blah. And now I can't remember why I was ever like that, especially because now I deal with messy roommates and I say the same thing to them

Put up a chore board with lots of stuff? He can randomly do stuff without you asking and if there's like, I don't know, 5 things done by the end of the week he can do something he wanted to do. My cousin's family did that for their 3 kids and it worked crazy good. Because kids always want to do the opposite of what you ask and teenagers have this idea that their life is somehow as stressful as the adult that has to provide for them. I don't know. My parents had restrictions. If we slammed our door, the door came off for a week. Like, I imagine they would have done the same thing you did. Chores were a regular thing, not just for when we wanted something. If we wanted something, we'd find out after we asked. And it did have a lot more to do with our conduct towards them, not just chores. They made it known that they weren't a credit card. I think that's good parenting and you shouldn't feel guilty or sad for stepping up and reminding him that he's being taken care of...by you! Honestly, at 15, kids my age had jobs. We made our own money because we wanted to be independent. If he wants to have stuff, he's old enough to make money.

When you look out of your eyes, at nature happening out there, youíre looking at you. Thatís the real you.
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post #15 of 91 Old 02-11-2019, 11:39 PM
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I suspect he's going to have to learn the hard way this time, no jacket for half arse-ry. Yes, I just made that up. How to get him to not be so entitled? Quit figuring out and giving him all his wants before he even knows he wants them. Needs fall into that too, but you can make obtaining needs a little less difficult than obtaining his wants. Give him a list of chores that are HIS and his alone. At first, I would not include anything that needs to rely on him for its very existence (feeding the pig) but cleaning his room & bathroom, helping with the laundry, the rest of the house, grooming horses, cleaning the barn and pastures, washing the cars, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, things like that. It's real simple, if the does the list for the week to your satisfaction, he gets something he needs or wants, if he doesn't, not only do the chores remain his for the next week, but he's grounded to the house for the week too. That goes 1 time, then things start to be taken away, off the team (whatever he's on), cell phone gets put up, t.v. comes out of his room (if he's got one), radio comes out, dvd & cd players or mp3s, books (not school books), magazines, no telephone privileges, no company during the week. Friends can visit on the weekends but only if his chores for the day are finished. It's a lot more work than just giving in, firm, fair & consistent.

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post #16 of 91 Old 02-12-2019, 07:05 AM
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Great! He cleaned his room, that's awesome! I'd say way to go kid! Very proud of you for doing part of what I asked. Here's a coupon for part of the money for the jacket now (figure out what percentage of the chores he did, and write down that percentage of the jacket's worth). I mean, we all need a little incentive sometimes right? This would allow him to see clearly, on a piece of paper, that he is part of the way there! (but also that you're not budging on your other requests)
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post #17 of 91 Old 02-12-2019, 08:47 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MissLulu View Post
Can he do something to earn the jacket? Extra projects around the house (something you would normally do yourself or hire someone), helping out an elderly neighbor or family member.
Extra projects! I just want him to do the regular ones! LOL My parents always have jobs for him and they pay well. They are right next door so that is always an option. He just has to show up and do the work.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tinyliny View Post
on my best day I couldn't get my son to gather bagloads of stuff to throw out. He is a hoarder. I have to ride my kids like a jockey to get them to do anything significant. I'm way too lax on them. way.
Um... It was four bags of TRASH. Soda cans, food wrappers, rotten food, TRASH... FOUR bags of trash!

Quote:
Originally Posted by pennywise View Post
He's 15, can you sit down and actually have an adult conversation with him?

Put up a chore board with lots of stuff?
Adult conversations depend on the day of the week. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I think there is an alien that has body snatched him and it takes over sometimes.

There is actually a list of chores on the fridge that have dollar amounts associated with them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dreamcatcher Arabians View Post
I suspect he's going to have to learn the hard way this time, no jacket for half arse-ry.

no telephone privileges, no company during the week.
Yes... half arse-ry.... "He gonna Learn!"

I have the ability to pause his internet so that may just have to happen. I'm curious if he will clean his bathroom today when he gets home. It's nasty.

"Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I love you
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And love like crazy"
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post #18 of 91 Old 02-12-2019, 08:56 AM
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Remember there are needs and wants. Needs are the things you must have to live a normal life. Wants are all the frills that are not required. Does he already have a descent jacket? I bet he does and he just wants another. If it is only a want he needs to work for that, either at home doing extras or at a paying job. It sounds like to me he has had too many things just handed to him and never been required to do things at home. Remember you are teaching him valuable life lessons both earning things and saving for items. If he doesn't learn these things he will always be wanting to live off Mom, Dad and the system. You still have time, help him by showing how to help himself.
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post #19 of 91 Old 02-12-2019, 09:00 AM
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I am untidy, always was and guess I always will be. When my room was a mess my mother would tell me to clean it. She didn't issue any warnings, she didn't nag, just ask once tell the second time with the warning that if things weren't cleared she would throw it out.

She would too!

Mum was the one who of you upset her would give the silent treatment, she did speak but not hold a conversation. She soon swung you round as it was so frustrating! So don't let you son win this one. Let him earn it, doing his chores should not entitle him to a new jacket, it should be chores plus some.

Something my sister and hubby did when their children wanted something was to tell them if they saved half they would pay the other half. That worked well and taught them the value of saving. All three have good jobs, they all save a certain amount each month and pay their own way.
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post #20 of 91 Old 02-12-2019, 09:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Foxhunter View Post
I am untidy, always was and guess I always will be. When my room was a mess my mother would tell me to clean it. She didn't issue any warnings, she didn't nag, just ask once tell the second time with the warning that if things weren't cleared she would throw it out.

She would too!

Mum was the one who of you upset her would give the silent treatment, she did speak but not hold a conversation. She soon swung you round as it was so frustrating! So don't let you son win this one. Let him earn it, doing his chores should not entitle him to a new jacket, it should be chores plus some.

Something my sister and hubby did when their children wanted something was to tell them if they saved half they would pay the other half. That worked well and taught them the value of saving. All three have good jobs, they all save a certain amount each month and pay their own way.
Foxhunter, this was the policy in our home as well. Once my DH told our son that he had until Friday (this was issued on a Monday) to clean his room and put everything away, or he would find his room outside. Friday came and when DS got off the school bus, there were the entire contents of his room in the yard! Saw a slight smirk on his face like "yup, Dad actually meant it" and then he got busy bringing everything back in and putting it all away. Extreme, yup, but never had to do anything remotely like that again.


Both children had to earn part of what they wished for. They learned early between wants and needs. Needs we as parents provided. Wants, they had to earn part, unless I decided it was a no go to start with.


Parenting is the toughest and most important job on the face of this earth. I do like what someone posted about keeping the emotions on our part out of it. What works for one child, doesn't for the other. Always wished they came with an owners manual/guide when born, but that would be far too easy!


Farmpony, you have done a good job. He is respectful outside of the home. It's normal for them to be a$$e$ in the home, though we have to work with them to change that. I can vaguely remember being that age, not someplace I would to travel back to for sure.


My theory about teenage years is it helps us parents to prepare for their eventual departure to college. By the time comes we are glad to see their

backsides!



Chin up, you will handle this, and in the end wonder how!

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says, "Oh crap, she's up!".
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