Alcoholism is a serious and scary thing and you are brave for seeking help. If you have the will to get better you can, but I understand how hard it is when you are also struggling emotionally and physically.
About 3 years ago I thought I was going to lose my partner. And by lose, I donít mean I thought we were going to split up, I mean I thought I was going to watch him die. There were multiple weekends in hospitals, months where I didnít see him because he was in rehab, evenings spent with his mother cleaning vodka bottles out of his closet. It was ugly, and scary, and sad. But he survived and has improved his life greatly.
In seeking help with the alcoholism he also had to seek help with his anxiety. Addressing the anxiety was a big part of healing. I encourage you to seek help with anything else you might be struggling with in the realm of mental health: anxiety, depression, etc. There may be groups you could attend locally or even online forums like this one where you can vent or talk about things you love. You may already be doing this but I just wanted to include it. I attended AA with my partner for a while as support. Depending on your area this can be a good option. Meeting with other people whoíve had similar experiences can be a good way to build a routine and stay accountable.
For my partner, the only way to really break the cycle was to leave our hometown. We were from an area with a history of poverty and addiction. I had already settled elsewhere so after his health was stable he moved to live with me. We were very fortunate, I know that moving away simply isnít an option for a lot of people.
Anyway, all that was just a really long way of saying that Iím glad youíre seeking help, and that youíre not alone and that there is hope even though things feel bad sometimes. Iím glad youíre on the forum and that you have a place to vent and learn about things you enjoy. If you are wanting to get back into horses, perhaps as you work on health there may be somewhere locally that you could enroll in riding lessons? Or maybe a place where you could get back into ground-work and just being around horses? Every area isnít the same, but I was surprised by the number of opportunities near me when I started looking.
"She could be a witch, and he would never build a pyre upon which to burn her thoughts, desires and dreams."