[TheGoldenFilly]

I am really worried about my relationship with one of my horses...any advice or feedback would be greatly appreciated.
I have two mini geldings, Beamer, 2 y/o, and Calvin, a 9 y/o neglect rescue, at my home barn. (I am 16.) I have have Beamer for a year and a half, and got Calvin when they both moved in to their new barn last summer. The issues I am having are with Beamer. He really picks up on emotions, but unlike Calvin, instead of being sensitive about when you're feeling upset, he starts acting out. This is a huge problem because I have a long history (5 years) of major depression and anxiety. I have been getting treatment for 3 years, but it is still a big problem in my everyday life. Beamer naturally has just about the responsivity & willpower of a little bulldozer...in other words, a lot of the latter, and Not a lot of the prior. (Great combo, no?) So the concern comes in when I am having a not-so-good day, and I take him out to work him. Well, he starts to put up a fight really quickly. The problem is, I can't tell how much of it is a response to my emotional incongruency (how I'm acting all hunky dory, but yet he senses that I'm feeling highly stressed out and upset) and how much I need to correct him for. But even if he is telling me "Whoa--dude...what's going on?" do I still need to correct him for being a Brat with a capital B? I want to know what he is telling me, but on the other hand, he needs to be safe and learn his manners...But I truly think I am going to cause him to go "over the edge" so to speak--he can't continue on so stressed out about me without colicking, or without his EMND getting worse...I am doing all I can on my end to keep my distress level as low as possible, but it just isn't enough. Could he be sensing a relapse coming on? I can't afford one right now...too much is getting put into place...and one more relapse & they're sending me to residential...one more cutting spree and they're taking out my riding lessons at the other barn...And I can't even talk about the last thing...I just don't know what to do...I don't know what's wrong with me...There's obviously something big, and the fact that I know his health is going to decline again soon if I don't get better is just going to make things Worse. Please...if you have any advice, at all...
Thank you very much,
TheGoldenFilly

 

[rocky pony]

The problem is, I can't tell how much of it is a response to my emotional incongruency (how I'm acting all hunky dory, but yet he senses that I'm feeling highly stressed out and upset) and how much I need to correct him for.

This I don't understand. If he's misbehaving, he has no excuse at all for acting that way. He should definitely not get away with it just because he's only doing it because of how you're feeling, if anything I'd say he even moreso needs to be corrected. The last thing you need is to be feeling bad and go out and have him acting up.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your situation and wish you all the best in treatment and all. I'm no professional here and don't know much about your experiences or what you've been through already, but maybe if you've been treated for three years and are still having these problems it's time to try someone/somewhere/something else? It seems a little odd to me that it sounds like you're sort of being threatened (with the taking lessons away, etc) for something that you can't help. But again, all I know of you is one paragraph, so I probably shouldn't butt in :wink:

 

[TheGoldenFilly]

No--thank you, Rocky. I am trying to go see a counselor who works with horses & energy & stuff like that but my mom keeps putting it off...iunno why. I guess I should insist a little more though maybe...Thank you.

 

[thesilverspear]

This sort of off the topic of sorting your mini out, but have you considered looking into equine assisted psychotherapy? I had a job for a wee while working as a horse handler for a psychologist (a horsewoman herself) who used this approach and I really respect what it can do for people. It seemed to help them in ways that traditional psychotherapeutic approaches couldn't. If you Google "equine assisted psychotherapy" you'll be directed to websites and organizations that might help you find a practitioner in your area.

 

[TheGoldenFilly]

Yeah--that's what I meant by the counselor lady, she does EAP stuff. Thank you. ^^

But I think I know what he is trying to tell me--I think Beamer is trying to tell me that I am angry. I have never had any anger issues before--if anything, I had lack-of-anger issues, if that makes any sense; I barely ever get mad at anyone. Well I've been really irritable lately with my family, and when I work with Beamer, MAN does he get my goat! I get SO angry and I know it's not helping the situation. And then yesterday I went to ride a new horse for the first time--well, I'm used to the flighty or really fresh horses, but he was STUBBORN. I swear...he was getting me so mad, and the more I acted calm, but felt internally POed, the more he refused to do anything. On the ground he was really sweet and respectful, though..But on him it was like he wanted me to get mad...just to prove that there is Something in there unresolved that is gnawing me up inside.

...I just don't know what it is... :/

 

[Crimsonhorse01]

It sounds like you are showing weakness so hes making the grab for herd boss. Don't let him act up.