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Discussion Starter #1
This is for the parents on the board.

I need your advice, but before I can ask, I need to give you some background information.

1. My daughter is 17 and doesn't understand the value of things. She's had more cell phones bought for her that's she's lost, broke, or whatever. (I've quit buying them for her) This includes a mp3 player that was like the Ipod Nano that we paid close to $300 for a couple of yrs ago. So she just looked at me and said..well, now you can buy me an Ipod. I refused. Her uncle bought her one for Christmas.

So I give her the ground rules. Absolutely NO taking it to school, otherwise it's mine.

Yesterday I found out she took her Ipod to school. I took it away from her. She didn't fight me or make any arguements about why I shouldn't take it away.

Now..I'm wondering. She's 17. Should I just hand her the Ipod, let her do whatever with it and if she loses it..its just gone? Let her figure this out on her own? I mean she's going to 18 soon. If she doesn't learn now..when is she going to learn?

Or do I stick by my word and keep it?

What would you do?
 

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I am sorry if this comes off as rude, but why are you suddenly caring that she is materialistic with no sense of responsibility now that she is almost 18 instead of working on this when she was younger so it did not happen?

I personally would take the Ipod away for good and that would be the end of it. You had a rule, she broke it. Done.
 

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Unless you are going to follow her around for the next 50 years, I suggest you have a chat and lay things on the line.

Long past time for her to be responsible for her own things.
 

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You lose a lot of ground if you go back on your word. Whether taking it away was the right thing or not, if you change your mind she'll realize that she can walk all over you. Just because she's approaching the age where she's on her own, doesn't mean that you can quit now. Long after she graduates and moves out she'll be relying on you for things and if you don't have some ground rules you'll be her stepping stone and she'll walk all over you.

I teach high school...don't back down, don't stop caring, and remind her that as long as she lives in your house, it's your rules. Once you give it back to her, maybe tell her that if it's lost or stolen, it's her deal now. Whatever you do, don't change your rule now.
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
I am sorry if this comes off as rude, but why are you suddenly caring that she is materialistic with no sense of responsibility now that she is almost 18 instead of working on this when she was younger so it did not happen?

I personally would take the Ipod away for good and that would be the end of it. You had a rule, she broke it. Done.
Long story which is, without being as rude as you, none of your business and something I don't want to air.

Just wanted to know what others would do in this situation.
 

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I think it's important that you maintain credibility. You told her losing it would be the consequence, it's too late to debate whether or not that's the correct consequence.

You told her losing it would be the consequence of her taking it to school, she took it to schoo, she loses it. Don't second guess yourself now, just do it.
 

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I think it's important that you maintain credibility. You told her losing it would be the consequence, it's too late to debate whether or not that's the correct consequence.

You told her losing it would be the consequence of her taking it to school, she took it to schoo, she loses it. Don't second guess yourself now, just do it.
I totally agree!
 

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Long story which is, without being as rude as you, none of your business and something I don't want to air.

Just wanted to know what others would do in this situation.
If it was none of our business, you should of e-mailed a friend instead of posting on a public board.

Sometimes the advice that ticks us off - does so because it hits too close to the truth.

She's nearly 18. Age of voting, age to be drafted to war, age declared an adult. The rest of the world sees her age - not her maturity level.

Tough love mom. You told her what the consequences would be - follow through.
 

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Just wanted to know what others would do in this situation.

I would have a new I-pod to listen to after putting MY music on it.


And I agree with mls's reply . unless there are special circumstances that
would change my perspective of the issue
 

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Many years ago, my mother gave me some very good advice concerning disciplining a child. " Never threaten with a punishment you are not prepared to carry out." My children learned at an early age that what I said would be carried out.

Stick to you guns Mom. To backslide now would teach her that there are no consequences or substance to your rules.
 

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I either valued things, or I didn't get things. What you can do though - is make her pay a fine. Something pretty hefty - $50-80... So she can get her iPod back. It'll make her work for it... if she disobeys again? Another fine. She'll figure out it's hard to get money, and it /might/ teach her a lesson?

I don't have kids, but it's something I'd probably do if I had them.

Most importantly though? You need to call Uncle and everyone else and get them to acknowledge and respect your rules.
 

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Many years ago, my mother gave me some very good advice concerning disciplining a child. " Never threaten with a punishment you are not prepared to carry out." My children learned at an early age that what I said would be carried out.

Stick to you guns Mom. To backslide now would teach her that there are no consequences or substance to your rules.
I'm 100% with Walkamile here.

The lesson you can make for her is learning the value of things. She broke a rule, the Ipod is yours now. She can earn it back - make her work for it. Set a fair "payscale" and set her to chores to earn it, she can "buy back" a second shot for it. Don't make this multiple choice and don't give her other options. Despite her age, she is still a minor and still under your rules right now. Rather than worrying about what will make these last couple months easy, use these last couple months to teach her and prepare her as much as you can. Use the things that matter to her, you can make that work for you. Chances are she wont be out the door the day she turns 18 anyways, so as long as she is still in your household and you are providing for her, she will STILL need to follow your rules - 18 or no. Best of luck to you, and feel free to pm for moral support. :D
 

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Agreed^^^

You are still the mom, she the child, you back down and that balance shifts and you have absolutely no control. Make her butt earn it back. AND call and tell uncle dearest and everyone else that she is not to get any more special presents, she can work for what she wants now that she is old enough.
 

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Very good advice already listed. My daughter will be 19 in July. She had rules with me until she was 14. Then she moved in with her father and then all the rules went to...well, you know where in a handbasket. Well now, she will be leaving for basic training with the Air Force in April. I am so happy to say that once again she will have MANY rules that she WILL have to follow. And guess what...NO CELL PHONES ALLOWED!!! (bhwahahaha) I'm sincerely hoping to once again have a relationship with a respectful daughter by the time she finishes basic and comes home for a couple of weeks before going to her first station.
 

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So I'm not a mom, but I am 20 (a lot closer to your daughter), and I can personally say that I've gone through 3 iPods (one was washed, two were stolen) and another cheapo mp3 player (also stolen). I've had my purse swiped a couple of times (once it came back with everything, once it did not). Sometimes bad things happen.

Having said that, I'm a lot more responsible now for my own things, now that I have a full time job and buy them for myself. I've been working since I was 16, so I'm only slightly more responsible than my 18 year old sister, who started her first job four weeks ago. Its mostly a matter of life experiences and time.

I think you should keep it for awhile, and then give it back to her, and let that be that. If its gone its gone. The problem here is she might learn that while she can't lean on you to fuel her irresponsibility, she can lean on other family members to indulge her.
 

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Take the ipod, use it and enjoy it. Your house, your rules. She doesn't like it, she can move out.

Do not allow her to "earn it back." That's BS. If she wants it back badly enough to earn it, she can earn the money and buy a new one at the store. Being allowed to earn it back for a lesser amount or pay a fine only gives her more chances. That's like all the teachers that give kids three chances before they get kicked off the bus, or a note sent home, or suspended. The kids learn that they do indeed have those THREE chances and use them up!

17? Bah. Make her grow up already. Our 17 year old son owns two road-worthy pickups and an old Impala he is going to restore. He has $10,000 worth of music equipment in his room, an ipod, several hundred dollars worth of movies and books, and an older computer. What did we as parents contribute? The work ethic he learned to earn it all himself except for the computer, which was my old one -- about 6 years old now.

All that said, I would be very careful about the rules I lay down. I would not have told her she couldn't bring it to school. What's it to you if she loses another one? Her problem, not yours. It is far more important to have a daughter that doesn't think she has to sneak around you to do things. She does now and will continue to do so until you allow her to grow and make choices all by herself. Good or bad, she will have to deal with the consequences. Do you want her to feel like she can tell you about her friend that did drugs last week? Or do you want her to go elsewhere when she might be in trouble? Trust her to be able to withstand consequences.

As for the uncle -- well, you can't control everybody out there. I agree, it's waaay easier if the family is all on the same side, but you have to deal with what you've got. If you can talk to him, that'd be a good idea.
 
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