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Firstly, I am so happy to see you are researching a better place to ride and hope you find one that is the perfect fit!

I do think you made the correct decision moving on, as it sounds like this instructor most definitely is not the right fit for you. I don't think her attitude is solely because of you and it sounds like it may just be her personality or she may be dealing with other things in her life and has sadly displaced that irritation on you. Try not to take it too personally and try and keep positive.

As for being scared to talk with her, I do understand the anxiety of the situation, as I have also been there. However, I do think it is important to eventually learn to speak up for yourself, when you are ready. Although, I do hope you will not encounter someone like this again, I have found that horse people are a weird bunch...Many are lovely people, but there is a portion who are not really "people pleasers", and then there is a portion who are truly catty or drama orientated.

I am very shy, very reserved and typically detest confrontation. Dealing with it is not something that came natural to me, but is something I have had to learn, and become more comfortable with over time. Eventually though, I was put in a situation which pretty much forced me to speak up (one of my larger fears at the time). Unlike how I perceived the consequences to be, speaking up has enabled me to gain respect from some people that, frankly, scared the beejesus out of me. You can still remain very kind/fair whilst bringing up issues to someone. Generally, I've found most people take it well when I myself remain calm when discussing issues with them and try to see their perspective, even if it is obvious they are in the wrong. I also try to keep an open mind that I may have miscommunicated, and will apologize if something I did particularly angered them, even if I didn't quite agree with them.... keeps things in better terms. However, if they do get offended, then you can just say "I appreciate the help you have given me this far, but I think we just see things differently". Wish them well and walk away. The few that did not take me speaking up for myself kindly held grudges for a while, but eventually let go of it and treat me just like everyone else they see in passing now.

That being said, I'm not saying you've made the wrong decision of just moving on. Your instructor does sound like she can be confrontational and it is never fun to have to deal with that. However, I do find value in being upfront and honest with people, even if it isn't necessarily on the best of terms.


And for what Qtrbel said, I don't think Qtrbel has meant to offend you by mentioning these things, but rather to open your eyes with a different perspective. It's true that there are similar posts to yours where the general consensus is to tell the OP to move on to a different barn/trainer. That may not always be the best advice, without actually knowing the entire situation. It's true that our advice is going to be biased because we have only heard one side of the story, yours. Not that yours is wrong at all, but just that there may also be things you yourself are not seeing because of your lack of experience. It is also true that moving barns too often can create a bad reputation sometimes, so that is something to be aware of.

But, that still does not change the fact that this barn seems to be making you miserable, which is why I would personally move on to something more suitable. In my experience, I have never regretted leaving a barn when it started to affect my mental health. The only things I have regretted was (1) not leaving soon enough and (2) leaving things unresolved. Both happened to me at the very first barn I was at, which was very drama orientated and a very toxic environment. The longer I stayed there, the more and more it brought the worst out of me. That is why I emphasize to try to communicate when issues arise, and if that doesn't work or if your mental health is suffering, leave!
 

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Discussion Starter #23
Firstly, I am so happy to see you are researching a better place to ride and hope you find one that is the perfect fit!

I do think you made the correct decision moving on, as it sounds like this instructor most definitely is not the right fit for you. I don't think her attitude is solely because of you and it sounds like it may just be her personality or she may be dealing with other things in her life and has sadly displaced that irritation on you. Try not to take it too personally and try and keep positive.

As for being scared to talk with her, I do understand the anxiety of the situation, as I have also been there. However, I do think it is important to eventually learn to speak up for yourself, when you are ready. Although, I do hope you will not encounter someone like this again, I have found that horse people are a weird bunch...Many are lovely people, but there is a portion who are not really "people pleasers", and then there is a portion who are truly catty or drama orientated.

I am very shy, very reserved and typically detest confrontation. Dealing with it is not something that came natural to me, but is something I have had to learn, and become more comfortable with over time. Eventually though, I was put in a situation which pretty much forced me to speak up (one of my larger fears at the time). Unlike how I perceived the consequences to be, speaking up has enabled me to gain respect from some people that, frankly, scared the beejesus out of me. You can still remain very kind/fair whilst bringing up issues to someone. Generally, I've found most people take it well when I myself remain calm when discussing issues with them and try to see their perspective, even if it is obvious they are in the wrong. I also try to keep an open mind that I may have miscommunicated, and will apologize if something I did particularly angered them, even if I didn't quite agree with them.... keeps things in better terms. However, if they do get offended, then you can just say "I appreciate the help you have given me this far, but I think we just see things differently". Wish them well and walk away. The few that did not take me speaking up for myself kindly held grudges for a while, but eventually let go of it and treat me just like everyone else they see in passing now.

That being said, I'm not saying you've made the wrong decision of just moving on. Your instructor does sound like she can be confrontational and it is never fun to have to deal with that. However, I do find value in being upfront and honest with people, even if it isn't necessarily on the best of terms.


And for what Qtrbel said, I don't think Qtrbel has meant to offend you by mentioning these things, but rather to open your eyes with a different perspective. It's true that there are similar posts to yours where the general consensus is to tell the OP to move on to a different barn/trainer. That may not always be the best advice, without actually knowing the entire situation. It's true that our advice is going to be biased because we have only heard one side of the story, yours. Not that yours is wrong at all, but just that there may also be things you yourself are not seeing because of your lack of experience. It is also true that moving barns too often can create a bad reputation sometimes, so that is something to be aware of.

But, that still does not change the fact that this barn seems to be making you miserable, which is why I would personally move on to something more suitable. In my experience, I have never regretted leaving a barn when it started to affect my mental health. The only things I have regretted was (1) not leaving soon enough and (2) leaving things unresolved. Both happened to me at the very first barn I was at, which was very drama orientated and a very toxic environment. The longer I stayed there, the more and more it brought the worst out of me. That is why I emphasize to try to communicate when issues arise, and if that doesn't work or if your mental health is suffering, leave!
Wow, its nice to see people that went thought the same thing as me make it! Now I understand Qtrbel's post better now!
Thanks so much!
 

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Thank you jolly. ThunderingHooves as a minor if you are that miserable it is up to your parents to support you. They should be there watching lessons and being a part of your experience. As adults they would see things from a less biased point of view hopefully though that is not always a guarantee. I have seen equally entitled parents as young riders. Not that that is what you are but this is the internet. We don't know you, your trainer or your situation.

What I am sure of is that nagging a horse with a crop or not using a crop effectively can be just as bad as being harsh enough to injure one with it. Considering your age and experience level I highly doubt that is the case. Of course he reacts - if you used it effectively responded and step two is pushing forward with what you cued him to do. Your instructor I assume has the experience with this horse to direct you in a manner that keeps him moving and sets you up to learn.
 
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