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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I desperately need some time just for me. Day and night. Ever since I was little I've suffered from bouts of self doubt and they just set me in a mind set where everything in life is confusing, stress mounts, and mentally all hell breaks loose. I've been spending every day at the barn with my barn family, all us girls. We pile into cars and go to dinner or carpool to shows and laugh into the night about horsey stories. Most have kids so after lessons are finished and the kids are taken home we go out and have adult time over dinner or help clean up the barn. It helps and they understand for the most part where I'm coming from. However it doesn't seem to be enough.

I've thought and thought about it. It's not entirely him but at the same time he's involved. He's the longest relationship I've been in and visa versa. It scares me. The honeymoon part is definately over and for the past 3 years we've settled in together comfortably. It's just not exciting anymore and my past rough relationships are starting to effect my nerves mentally. There was already one incident that was taken care of. It wasn't cheat, it was just something I had brought up, was agreed on, and then done anyway and that tore me to pieces and brought up memories of a past relationship that had ended because of the same thing. That was the year before last and I left for a day to figure out what I wanted, I decided to stay.

Then last year we almost broke up over stress and a ridiculous misunderstand that going back on both of us laughed over, however when it happened mentally I broke down completely, my mind separately without warning and I was admitted in a mumbling bumbling shivering state to the hospital where they said I just snapped and it was my body's way of basically "rebooting". I was put on a years worth of "happy pills" and weekly therapy to make sure I was rebuilding myself in a positive way and all activities were kept to a minimum. I wasn't a suicide watch but for about 6 months I suffered fainting spells, dropped temperatures, and extreme spacing (not sure the correct term for zoning off). I'm fine now, I just don't want it to happen again. going through my family history all the women in my family suffer from some sort of mental break down whatever it's called, if I can find the term again I'll post it.

Out of 3 years those have been the only two incidences, but given my past with self doubt those incidences have a way of playing on my mind and this time it's pretty bad. I'm stressed on top of it and I just want time for me. No him. All day all night for at least 3 days. Just me the dogs my routine at the barn, my studies and home again.

So after you've read this novel my simple question: How do I ask for my own time.

I know his grandpa isn't doing so great, I found out today he had fallen again and his grandma and relatives are helping out. I was thinking of suggesting he head over there for a few days to help out. The downside to that is I think his grandpas deterioration scares him. He can't stay over with his mom, her new husband has a not so great history she refuses to believe and neither of us are comfortable around him or even talking to him on the phone.

I'm not sure how to put it? "I need my time alone to stop my head from confusing me, go somewhere else for a few days" doesn't sound very friendly.


Now before anything: I do not want to end it, I just need a break to straighten myself out. Every good relationship needs a break, every relationship has it's ups and downs, I get that.
 

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I'm very sorry you're going through a rough patch.

You say you don't want to break up with this man, so obviously you're not married to him. I'm assuming you live with him?

Instead of trying to get rid of him, is it possible for you to go somewhere for 2 to 3 days and just have 'me time'? That way, you can tell him you just need some time alone and he won't feel like you're kicking him out.

I'm not criticizing you, but I do wonder if it's NOT him why are you so stressed out that you want him to go away?
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
First I don't want to get rid of him, I just need the house completely clear of all other distractions and energies to do some serious thinking on where I'm headed. He stands behind me fully and is very supportive I'm just easily distracted when others are around and right now I need to take a few days to think, clear my mind and get some hard studying in for me. I thought of going somewhere but at the moment I can't board the dogs and there isn't a hotel locally that will allow two large male great danes. I asked my parents but they are those people that have a lot of useless expensive stuff and they said, me is fine, the dogs can't because they're bulls in a china shop. So the dogs are a big reason, his work schedule wouldn't let me leave them home because they've be alone in crates for 10 hours a day. We live together, my parents gave us a house on one of their properties about two years ago, half because apartment's won't allow my dogs and half because my parents like having me close by so they can show up whenever instead of calling and driving across town. haha.

What's causing the stress, extreme personal conflictions. I know my family loves me but whenever a family friends kid does something amazing I get it rubbed in my face whether they mean to or not. Also they've been leading me around up and down about my future and my interests, first they're proud, then someone graduates college and "oh did you hear what ..... did!!! We're so proud of him!, it's ok though, you're doing what you love." Just knocks me over and I'm doing my **** hardest to do what I love, I've had jobs I've hated, tried the whole college thing and failed for lack of motivation and now I've found something I enjoy and it's still not good enough it seems.

Lately it seems he and my childhood best friend are the only two fully supporting me on my equine massage studies, I'm currently in certification and although my parents are paying for it, they seem disappointed still that all their friends kids are where they want to be already.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I kind of want the time to really figure out if I can handle a relationship and focus on my future without getting completely thrown off course and distracted. In the past spending time with my significant always threw me off and now that I found what I really want to do I'm hoping my motivation towards getting it done will trump my girly need for snuggling up to him at night. If there is a way for him to move in with his grandma (who's down the street and would love it!) and we could stay together and then I'd have the time to see him on his days off and weekends and the rest of the week study, I dunno. I'm just too easily distracted by other people and I don't want it getting the best of me this time.
 

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Why can't you leave the dogs with him and go to a hotel?
 

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Okay, now I see more of what the issues are.

You're living in a house your parents gave you, but you take everything they're saying to you as a put down. Which means you feel obligated to them, but also feel trapped because you think you're a disappointment to them. I don't know whether they mean things to be put downs or not, because I'm not there and can't hear their tones of voice.

They do sound as if they're trying to push you, but that's the way parents are. My folks were disappointed that I didn't do the 'get married, settle down, and have 5 children' thing, but they got over it. It helps that I have a strong sense of self and never let them overwhelm me with guilt once I was an adult.

I love my folks, but they have no say in what I do with my life. My parents know I'll cut them off without a word if they continually harass me over things we've already discussed. But then, I don't live near them, and they didn't buy my house and property.

If your family is what's causing you stress, you need to find a way to defuse that. No, they're not going to change, so you're the one who is going to have to make some hard decisions.

Whether or not they agree with the path your life has taken, it's your life. You need to stop thinking you should have their approval. You'll never get it. The best you can hope for is acceptance. If that's not good enough then you'll never be happy, and will always be stressed when you have to deal with them.

My family has accepted what they consider to be my 'odd' lifestyle. They don't understand the horse thing, nor why I want to live out in the boondocks, nor why I'm fine and dandy living alone with just my animals. But they accept it. That's all I can ask of them since they're very traditional, family oriented, let's all have a ton of kids, type of people.

You're going to have to accept that they're never going to understand you, and they're going to have to accept that your outlook on life will never be theirs. It's a compromise. Everyone accepts each other. Doesn't mean you understand or even like it, but you accept it.

Stop seeking a blanket approval of your life. Once you've learned to deal with the fact that not everyone is going to approve of you, a lot of your stress will go away.

Also, stop being so dependent on other people! The only person's happiness we're responsible for is our own. Stop sublimating your own desires for those of others. That way only leads to unhappiness.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Why can't you leave the dogs with him and go to a hotel?
his work schedule would be leaving them alone at home for 10 hours during the day and they're still young so I don't trust them out of their crates when they're alone. If I could do that I'd just go to a friends or my parents for a few days.
 

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If I could do that I'd just go to a friends or my parents for a few days.
This line totally confuses me.

I thought the whole point was you needed time with NO distractions. How would you get that at a friends or your parents?
 

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Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
This is the first time I've really felt shot down by them. Just within the past few months, since probably November ish.

I've always lived my life as if you don't like me then oops, not my fault. They've told me time and time again they're proud of me, it's the way they put others achievements towards mine that shoots me down and it's only recently within the past few months. I've been dependent since I was 16 and making my own living since then because of my parents looking over my shoulder, I just didn't want to be in that house anymore. If would be completely different if they worded things different.

For example, a family friend who is like a little brother moved to New York and is in college out there and started a music career. He's played a few venues and has some songs out there, he did a sobe commercial. He's a great kid and I've loved him like a brother since we were little. Here's my moms exact words to me: Did you see the video! That's Brad! isn't that something you wanted to do when you were younger?
Me: yeah but I've always liked the barn better, good for him but it'll be hard. When is he back in town?
Mom: yeah, well you were always more barn oriented. Spring he'll be back.

She's proud of him, we all are, it's the wording. She could have easily left out that I wanted to do that when I was 10 but it's almost like she's trying to compare. But then again that's her and up until recently I've been able to shrug it off. I'm just sick of the way they put things

They love the horse thing, my dad comes out and goes riding and my mom makes her fleece blankets for her and when I told them I found a massage school in the state they took me to dinner, so I'm not seeking approval I'm just sick of being shot down whether they mean to or not. It's mixed messages, they're proud of me but wait they want me to do a Sobe Commercial...what?

Like yours my parents know I'll cut them out and move without blinking if I have to I did it along time ago. The deal with the house is if we can pay for it we can have it and so far so good. I owe them a lot for giving it to us, it was a life saver.

I'm normally not this sensitive either so I don't know why all this is bothering me but I think it's because it took me so long to find where I wanted to go and now that I've found it I'm scared something will end up holding me back or ending it too soon but I honestly don't know what that is. I'm very conflicted. grrrrr:twisted:
 

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Discussion Starter #10 (Edited)
This line totally confuses me.

I thought the whole point was you needed time with NO distractions. How would you get that at a friends or your parents?

well my parents are always out so I'd have the house to myself and they're house is so big my room is at a completely separate end. The one friend that wouldn't be a distraction is my child hood friend and she's in the same boat I am. Study study study. She actually comes over to my house and I have an extra room upstairs she uses (her mom wow...that's all I can say) no respect for school at all, but only with her daughters. And like my parents house, her room is way a way from the rest of the house. So our study schedules have been the same. It's a long shot though, I'd rather the privacy of my old room if I end up there.

my parents and she aren't distractions although ideally I want time alone. He's the distraction because when we're together it's normally getting close to bed time and all I want to do is snuggle and watch a movie when I really should be covering text and reviewing notes.
 

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The only one who will end it is you.

As long as you know what you want to do and continue to do it, nobody can make you change anything.

Sure, they can aggravate the heck out of you, but once you've accepted that they're not going to change, even the aggravation at their manipulation will stop.

If my mother gets on a tangent I tell her, "Mom, we're not going there. If we don't change the subject, I'm going to get off the phone." And then make good on my threat if she doesn't quit.

You can't change other people. How you deal with them is the only thing you can change.
 

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Have you considered the idea of some professional help?

It sounds like you are having more than a things going on and you are needing some help dealing with them. Please find yourself a professional to help you.
 

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Discussion Starter #13 (Edited)
Have you considered the idea of some professional help?

It sounds like you are having more than a things going on and you are needing some help dealing with them. Please find yourself a professional to help you.
Professional as in school counselor to manage time? My program is by private teacher so there isn't a school counselor available and so far she's helped me a lot with my time management. As in mental therapist...been there done that not doing it again and it's not what I need. I've gone down that road.

I know exactly what I need and it's time to study, time to relax, and as soon as I get that everything will be fine. That's how it's worked in the past and that's how I know it will work now. That means, no tv, no phone, no internet. And I can do it and have done it before IF I'm alone. I know exactly what will work and how to make it work. It's getting the space and time for it that seem to be the current problem.

But thanks for suggesting.
 

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Discussion Starter #14 (Edited)
The only one who will end it is you.

As long as you know what you want to do and continue to do it, nobody can make you change anything.

Sure, they can aggravate the heck out of you, but once you've accepted that they're not going to change, even the aggravation at their manipulation will stop.

If my mother gets on a tangent I tell her, "Mom, we're not going there. If we don't change the subject, I'm going to get off the phone." And then make good on my threat if she doesn't quit.

You can't change other people. How you deal with them is the only thing you can change.
I'm just scared that for myself I'm going to some how mess it up and I don't want that to happen. My timeline for my equine certification is 12 months and I know if I put my mind to it I can do it. I used to be a straight A student so I know I can do it. I'm just scared I guess. I'm doing this for me, not for anyone else. This is what makes me happy. I just want to do it right and enjoy it and get it done and that's hard when I'm worried some how I'm going to mess it up. I have to figure out a way to bring my confidence in myself up on this level.

You've helped a lot Speed Racer Thanks!
 

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No, I really meant a therapist to help you with your anxieties.
 

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Discussion Starter #16 (Edited)
No, I really meant a therapist to help you with your anxieties.
Yeah I do, I have, and she's great to talk to but that's it. When I was younger and worried about showing and school tests she was great but she's basically like the people at the barn now or anyone else that will listen, good to talk to and space things out to so I can see the problems individually but that's it. I know she and others aren't supposed to figure it out for me but it's like talking to anyone else. She helped me figure out that step process that has worked.
 

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I'm just scared that for myself I'm going to some how mess it up and I don't want that to happen. My timeline for my equine certification is 12 months and I know if I put my mind to it I can do it. I used to be a straight A student so I know I can do it. I'm just scared I guess. I'm doing this for me, not for anyone else. This is what makes me happy. I just want to do it right and enjoy it and get it done and that's hard when I'm worried some how I'm going to mess it up. I have to figure out a way to bring my confidence in myself up on this level.

You've helped a lot Speed Racer Thanks!

Yes, you can do it. Being scared you're going to mess something up is normal, and we all feel that way from time to time. After all, it's the really important stuff that makes us the most nervous!

As long as it makes you happy and you know this is the right path, keep at it.

Glad you figured out what works and what doesn't, and I'm happy I could help, if even just a little.

I've been around for over half a century. Once you've hit that mark, you know things just from living life. :wink:
 

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Discussion Starter #18
I guess my nerves have just kicked in from starting something new instead of a regular type routine. I'll get used to it. It's a fun path! I spend every Tuesday and every other Thursday at a hunter/jumper and rehabilitation barn about 45 minutes north of me, learning the muscles and massage strokes and bones with my instructor. I get to work with the horses to learn everything and I have a text book and review notes for home study. Then I get to spend those evenings and the other days out with my horse putting sticky notes on her as flash cards and my trainer and the other boarders quiz me to help out. I get to practice on their horses too. I like it, I've only just started but it's a one on one training which is a lot easier than a classroom setting. I know I'm on the right path in what I want to do.
 

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Maybe you could just show your boyfriend this thread.

Or take a year off from the relationship. Are you willing to take the chance of losing him, if you back off on your relationship? If your program is supposed to take a year, then maybe you need to be straight with him about needing the space to do your program.

If he is important enough to keep living with, then enlist his help. You said he is your biggest supporter, so get his support. Let him know you need lots of extra time alone to study. Ask him to help keep you accountable, and limit you to one or two nights a week snuggling watching TV in the evenings.

Try setting up your extra room as a study area, and make it off limits to him. If you're in there you are studying, and you need to be left alone. Maybe schedule weekly dates to stay connected, and so he knows he can count on spending some time with you.

Good luck with whatever you decide.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Maybe you could just show your boyfriend this thread.

Or take a year off from the relationship. Are you willing to take the chance of losing him, if you back off on your relationship? If your program is supposed to take a year, then maybe you need to be straight with him about needing the space to do your program.

If he is important enough to keep living with, then enlist his help. You said he is your biggest supporter, so get his support. Let him know you need lots of extra time alone to study. Ask him to help keep you accountable, and limit you to one or two nights a week snuggling watching TV in the evenings.

Try setting up your extra room as a study area, and make it off limits to him. If you're in there you are studying, and you need to be left alone. Maybe schedule weekly dates to stay connected, and so he knows he can count on spending some time with you.

Good luck with whatever you decide.
That would actually work pretty well! silly me never really though of that. When he comes out to the barn he'll quiz me on my flash cards and if I happen to have my study material out he'll turn off the tv. I know he cares about my passions in life and he wants to help so I'll suggest it to him. Thanx for the idea!! I think I was too caught up in my own ick to figure out a reasonable answer that didn't require one of us leaving for a while. :?
Thank you!
 
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