[WhiskeyGirl]

Ok. I just got my website up and running. Please critique on here
Its for the new thing im starting in the Texas Hill Country. So lol if your from here then awesome! Let me know anything and everything. Maybe i can even do a little something for you!


www.webstarts.com/WhiskeyRiverHomeTraining

 

[iridehorses]

Whisky, first of all I admire anyone who has the gumption to start a business. It takes a lot of courage and patience. I've started several successful ones over the years and I know what it takes.

Please understand that this is meant to be constructive but the website is terrible. The pictures are not in scale and they are not only horribly posed but they don't match the context.

Your credentials, as stated, are that you once fell off your horse so now you want to train others - horses and people. Your grammar and sentence structure looks like it was written by a teenager who didn't pay attention in school.

As for your prices, although they may be reasonable for your area, your claim that you will travel to almost anywhere in TX is highly exaggerated. Texas is a huge state and the word "almost" is too vague.

All that may seem harsh but if you expect to come off as a professional, then you need portray yourself as one. The only way people will know you is through your website.

 

[WSArabians]

^^Agreed.


Plus, if someone said they had a dog that was going to be nipping at my horses's heels when it came feeding time, I'd be libel to shoot it.
Not that it's BAD to have a herding dog, I just would never use on HORSES. Mine just come when I call them. :?

 

[WhiskeyGirl]

O my dog would never get close enough to your horse to nip at her heels, he knows the boundaries, thanks guys! that could really help me! Ill work on it tonight and post when i get it up and running again. Herd was the wrong word lol. but thanks i admire the help.

 

[alexischristina]

From what I've been taught in school, as somebody only a year older than yourself, some of the content makes me cringe. We were always taught to be professional, whether it was in website creation, resume building, cover letters, essays, etc. and your website doesn't exactly come across as 'professional'.

The layout is nice, and major kudos to you for using neutral tones and not going the route of extreme pink (I find that pink is the one colour that kills business), but like stated above, you definitely need to change your pictures AND edit your writing. Some of the grammar problems were very basic, and need to be fixed A.S.A.P!

I just got home from school, so I'm in that zone... I'm sorry if I ramble on, but I'm just trying to be helpful and help you create the best possible business.

Hi! I'm Tori! I am located in the beautiful Hill Country right in the center of Texas.
I am a bit younger at the age of just 15, but I do have tons of experience with both dogs, horses, training, and lessons. I barrel race my current gelding, and I am soon getting an Appaloosa foal to raise and train to do halter and showmanship classes, then to soon break. You can trust me with your animals, I believe in trust of the animal and the animals trust in you. If you you train an animal with fear you have accomplished nothing. I work with on the most natural and humane ways. I have cured head shyness, and biting. Also many horses I have owned have came to me with a fear of people.

First off, the exclamation marks are... unnecessary, all they do is make you sound like what you are, a 15 year old. If people are going to hire anybody 'younger', they're going to go for those who are mature and don't sound like teenagers.
The greeting you used (Hi! I'm Tori!) also sounds a bit elementary, and if I were you I'd go for something more professional, less formal. You're not writing a personal letter, you're introducing yourself to people who are expecting a professional enviroment.
The biggest mistake I saw was when you said "I am a bit younger at the age of just 15" that comment in itself is negative, and shows us that you're 'unsure' of your age. You need to be confident in every possible way, because, essentially you are selling yourself.
Overall, there are a few 'grammar' errors and overall awkward sentence structure, this (below) is what I would've done with yours if I'd editted it.

My name is Tori and I am located in the beautiful Hill Country, right in the center of Texas. I am fifteen years old, but I [do (remove the do)] have tons of experience with [both remove the both OR say 'have tones of experience with both dogs and horses, in both training and lessons'] dogs, horses, training, and lessons. Currently, I am involved in barrel racing, and I am soon getting an Appaloosa foal to raise and train myself. You can trust me with your animals, as I believe it is important to trust in an animal and that the animal trusts in you, and that fear as a training tool accomplishes nothing. I work with [on remove the on] the most natural and humane ways, and have have worked to solve problems including head shyness, biting, and fear of people.

As you can see, there were a lot of things I personally found to be problematic. The words in bold are the words that I modified/editted, and the words in italics with the squares around them are words that did not need to be there.

Dogs also come with anxiety and the fear of people, trust of me has gotten them through that. My I also give lessons at your home with your own horse that YOU are used to. I can break and train horses in your home, as all animals are more comfortable in their own familar environment. I do groom, bathe, and braid for show. I do not however do body or partial clippings on a horse. If you need to know anything more just contact me!

Once again, there were LOTS of problems in that paragraph... and I'm starting to see a pattern. You really need to read what you wrote before you put it up. From what I've seen, I personally wouldn't hire you.

Dogs may also have an anxiety with and [the remove the the] fear of people, and I have worked with many dogs to help get them through this.

You're talking about dogs, lovely... but then you go back to horses? You need to stick to DOGS in your paragraph about DOGS and HORSES in your paragraph about HORSES.

[My remove the my] I am also willing to give lessons at your home, with your own horse that YOU are used to. I will break and train horses in your home, if that is convenient for you, however a gas charge may be added to original cost.

I do groom, bathe, and braid for shows. I do not, however, do body or partial clippings on a horse. If you would like any more information, please contact me.

Remember to say please and thank you! Being polite is key, and try not to switch between things like 'at your home' and 'in your home' pick at or in and stick with it unless it sounds incredibly awkward.

 

[alexischristina]

Yes, there's more.
I hope I'm not coming on too strong, I'm just trying to help.

My idea for Whiskey River Home Training came when I fell off my first horse, I was scared to death, and I had no one in my family that could help me, and [I had remove this] no money to hire a trainer for myself. Regardless, I got back on and eventually taught myself. And now I want the joy of teaching other children and adults to trust and enjoy their [own remove this] horse.

Once again, some very basic grammar issues. You tend to use periods when you should use commas, and some of your wording is quite redundant.

The top picture is my current horse Whiskey, he is what inspired me. Below is a horse I trained myself, her name is Brandy. The dog is my pride and joy, he is what helps me herd the animals for feeding time, and teaches my boarded animals [remove quotations] to trust dogs.

And now, onto your price list...

Home Lessons-30$ a lesson. Hour long lesson.
Home Training:horse-40$ a hour.
Home Training:dog-25$ a hour.
Grooming: dog-15$ a session
Grooming:Horse-50$ a session
Dog Walking-10$ a hour
Horse Exercise-20$ a hour.

First off, the punctuation here also seems redundant. This is how I would have done it.

Home Lessons $30 per hour
Home Training $40 per hour
Home Dog Training $25 per hour
Dog Grooming $15 per session
Horse Grooming $50 per session
Dog Walking $10 per hour
Horse Exercise $20 per hour

I guess the prices aren't too bad, but around here they are the same as you would find for professional coaches and trainers. You have to keep in mind that you are ONLY 15, and you certainly don't have as much experience as people that have been working with horses for 20, 30, 40 years. Especially considering you have no formal or professional training yourself, I wouldn't expect to get much business at the rates you're charging. I would look at what other professionals around you are charging and knockoff $5-15 depending. And $50 to groom a horse!? That better be some darn good grooming, including mane pulling and tail clipping and hoof shining and shampooing and bathing, because if not you are charging a FORTUNE.

Lastly, how do you plan to travel 'all over texas'? You're only 15... last time I checked you can't drive yourself... your parents must be REALLY supportive, are you going to pay them gas money to drive you back and forth?

 

[vivache]

I have to say it-- I don't see you getting many calls for lessons. Being as young as you are, many adults would feel uncomfortable with going.. or their kids. I'd more advertise as an exerciser/groomer.

 

[alexischristina]

Vivache,
I don't know about that... A lot of people around here have been interested in me teaching their kids BEGINNER lessons, the basic walk/trot/canter at a reasonable price (I do not, however, think hers is reasonable) before passing them off to a higher end trainer, and I'm only 16.
I think if you have the right experience and the right horse it's fine... I didn't see much about her experience, though so... I don't know, but I dont think it's all age.

 

[WSArabians]

O my dog would never get close enough to your horse to nip at her heels, he knows the boundaries, thanks guys! that could really help me! Ill work on it tonight and post when i get it up and running again. Herd was the wrong word lol. but thanks i admire the help.

No problem.
You're right though, herd was definitely the wrong word! I love my dogs, couldn't live without them, but they don't cost me near as much as my horses and should one get excited and chase a foal into the fence and wreck it's leg because it was "herding" I'd be hard pressed to keep it around. Not that it would happen. I always prepare for the worst, though!

As someone else said, I think it'd be best to keep the horses in one section, your dogs in another.
I do dog training as well, actually opening a business this year, doing volunteer work training dogs for the summer to get a good clientele base and references, and then go from there.

As per rates... Well, I can't say much for charges down in Texas, but they're pretty rad for up here.
I've trained with some top notch reining trainers, got my Horsemanship Major from NAIT (College) and am working on my coaching levels and only charge $40 per lesson.
Weighing up the two people (using me and you as an example), there's no way I could see someone choosing you. And, unfortantely, most of it is just because of your age. I will give it to you, horse business is really hard to get into because of the financial cost in maintaining and the education it requires to get titles to your name.

One thing I will suggest you look into is looking around for a good reputable trainer down there and seeing if they will take you under their wing, so to speak. Have a big name reference, learning their skills and techniques is really priceless. I learned a TON working with Brouwer Performance Horses (Arabian Reiners and WP trainers) and are an excellent reference source, and it looks **** fine on a resume.

Travelling as well, I'd be careful as how you advertise that. Are your parents going to be able to drive you all over to different houses to work with dogs/horses for an hour? Fuel isn't cheap these days, and it'd only be responsible to cover their fuel prices, and then you have to figure it out if it's even worth it to travel because there's no sense in driving around to work with animals if it's only putting you, or your family, in debt.

It's a big step, opening a horse business and you really need to make sure you have all your bases covered. I guess I'd say start small, find a trainer to work with, and make sure you get an education!

 

[Honeysuga]

First off congratulations on you e venture, I am glad to see you have the confidence to attempt to capitalize on your talents and dreams.

No real criticism from me, I think "Alexis Christina" did a wonderful job and you would do well to follow her advice.

One BIG piece of advice though, you may want to look into an apprenticeship under or advice from an experienced trainer, one that is well known in your area. This will ensure you are more able to in fact come through and work with the animals in a professional manner as well as put forth a more professional image to your clients.

How nice would it look on your site to be able to say " And I have had (x mo/yrs/ect.) working with(x trainer) to hone and perfect my knowledge and skills."

You want to connect yourself to a professional name.

 

[skittle1120]

Personally, I'd lose the music too... I tend to have multiple pages open at one time and when I hear music on any of them, I close it immediately and never go back to it....

 

[Honeysuga]

Agreed. It is irritating to hear the whole time I am on the site and unprofessional.

 

[WhiskeyGirl]

Okay guys thanks soooo much. I have fixed the website, and im not gonna lie i definately stole some of ur ideas. That really helps!

 

[iridehorses]

I don't see a single difference aside from losing the music and your price list.

 

[alexischristina]

iridehorses: she did most of the grammar edits that I showed her... but


YOU NEED TO FIX THE PICTURES!

 

[WhiskeyGirl]

the pictures will be fixed, but not until our photographer can get out here and take some lol

 

[SeWHC]

Well, if you need website ideas, check out my site.....

Welcome to SE-Wisconsin Horse Care! - SeWHC--- Quality, Affordable Farm Care, Horse Training, Lessons. I haven't updated it recently, but I've put hours of work into it when I was farm sitting/teaching/training full time. Please don't copy it word for word. Just an example.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[iridehorses]

iridehorses: she did most of the grammar edits that I showed her... but

Where? Her very first sentence is a run-on sentence where she uses "I" several times and the word "and" twice. Her next sentence starts with "And". In the second sentence she uses the phrase "other children" without referring to the first child she taught ... unless she means herself - and that would still be incorrect.

That is just to get started.

Try this:

My idea for Whiskey River Home Training came when I fell off my first horse. I was scared to death. I had no one in my family who could help me, and no money to hire a trainer. Regardless, I got back on and eventually taught myself. Now I want the joy of teaching children and adults to trust and enjoy their horse.

What I did was to correct the sentence structure but the whole approach is wrong. The entire premise is that she is 15 or 16, self taught, has no one to point to but herself as a success, and even then, a prospective client has no idea if she can ride - only that she has learned to stay on. She doesn't point to any training method. If her idea is that she developed the method herself, then she needs to explain it.

 

[alexischristina]

We could go over all her grammar all day long, and it will never be perfect. Personally, I still think what you posted sounds awkward as heck (too many fragments and awkward full stops), she used some of what I offered, which was better than she had.

To the op:
Personally, I think it's GREAT that you want to start your own business, but from what I've seen I do believe you're putting yourself and other people's animals in dangerous situations, if you really are lacking ANY training. Before you consider this, perhaps try to get some training through working with others, or just watching...

 

[WhiskeyGirl]

To the op:
Personally, I think it's GREAT that you want to start your own business, but from what I've seen I do believe you're putting yourself and other people's animals in dangerous situations, if you really are lacking ANY training. Before you consider this, perhaps try to get some training through working with others, or just watching...

In dangerous situations? may i ask what the heck these "situations" are?
and hun i do have tons of experience. I started riding at age 4, and took lessons up until now. and now i help with lessons at a local WELL KNOWN boarding and training stable. Live Oak. id really love to know what these dangerous situations are? please tell me!