I've been really struggling with writing about this. I want to write about it because I think it will be cathartic and may be helpful to others who have issues. I don't want to write about it because it's bringing up the severe anxiety all over again.
Some of you may remember when I had the horse blow up in the trailer on me, strike me in the face and head several times, knock me to the floor, kick me in the head several times, trample me, and go down on top of me and, in a nutshell, nearly kill me. It's been several years, probably happened in 2018 or 2019, and I was having flashbacks and PTSD for quite a while after that all happened. I learned some pretty amazing coping skills after, had a great counselor who works with PTSD clients and she was phenomenal.
Fast forward to now and I needed to take Boo in to see the vet for a lameness exam. To do that, I had to get her and her filly on the trailer. Getting Boo to load is never a problem but, of course, the baby has never trailered. I was hopeful that she'd follow her mom right into the trailer but, OH NO! That wasn't about to happen. Boo went in, pretty as you please, but baby wasn't having any of it. She hollered and fussed and ran around like a maniac and every time she got out of sight, Boo got super unhappy. So, here I am, in the trailer with Boo ( this HUGE mare who fills up the 3 horse trailer all by herself or so it seems to me) and she's stomping around and swaying side to side and generally being a handful, and guess who gets triggered and started having a flashback? Oh yeah, ME! I started to sweat, and shake, and get light headed and I'm seeing myself going to the floor and get kicked in the head and trampled and generally just replaying the whole ugly scene.
It got so bad that I cancelled the vet visit and went in the house to try and get it together again. I thought I had put all that stuff in the rear view mirror, but I guess some things just stay with you for life. I knew I wasn't ever real happy about having to get into a trailer with a horse, which is why mine are all self loaders, but I also know that I have to train the filly and I'll have to be in the trailer at least a little bit. I guess the trailer is never going to be my happy place.
And, yes, I did reschedule Boo's appt, and had hubby take off early from work so HE could be the one who went in the trailer. Naturally, since I had gutted it out for 2 hours last time, baby did just hop in and follow momma. No friggin' justice in this world. NONE.