I remember you telling us about that mishap. Scary stuff! No surprise you have PTSD from it and I'm sorry you had to relive it again.
Seems Like Some Things Just Never Leave You
I've been really struggling with writing about this. I want to write about it because I think it will be cathartic and may be helpful to others who have issues. I don't want to write about it because it's bringing up the severe anxiety all over again.
Some of you may remember when I had the horse blow up in the trailer on me, strike me in the face and head several times, knock me to the floor, kick me in the head several times, trample me, and go down on top of me and, in a nutshell, nearly kill me. It's been several years, probably happened in 2018 or 2019, and I was having flashbacks and PTSD for quite a while after that all happened. I learned some pretty amazing coping skills after, had a great counselor who works with PTSD clients and she was phenomenal.
Fast forward to now and I needed to take Boo in to see the vet for a lameness exam. To do that, I had to get her and her filly on the trailer. Getting Boo to load is never a problem but, of course, the baby has never trailered. I was hopeful that she'd follow her mom right into the trailer but, OH NO! That wasn't about to happen. Boo went in, pretty as you please, but baby wasn't having any of it. She hollered and fussed and ran around like a maniac and every time she got out of sight, Boo got super unhappy. So, here I am, in the trailer with Boo ( this HUGE mare who fills up the 3 horse trailer all by herself or so it seems to me) and she's stomping around and swaying side to side and generally being a handful, and guess who gets triggered and started having a flashback? Oh yeah, ME! I started to sweat, and shake, and get light headed and I'm seeing myself going to the floor and get kicked in the head and trampled and generally just replaying the whole ugly scene.
It got so bad that I cancelled the vet visit and went in the house to try and get it together again. I thought I had put all that stuff in the rear view mirror, but I guess some things just stay with you for life. I knew I wasn't ever real happy about having to get into a trailer with a horse, which is why mine are all self loaders, but I also know that I have to train the filly and I'll have to be in the trailer at least a little bit. I guess the trailer is never going to be my happy place.
And, yes, I did reschedule Boo's appt, and had hubby take off early from work so HE could be the one who went in the trailer. Naturally, since I had gutted it out for 2 hours last time, baby did just hop in and follow momma. No friggin' justice in this world. NONE.
Some of you may remember when I had the horse blow up in the trailer on me, strike me in the face and head several times, knock me to the floor, kick me in the head several times, trample me, and go down on top of me and, in a nutshell, nearly kill me. It's been several years, probably happened in 2018 or 2019, and I was having flashbacks and PTSD for quite a while after that all happened. I learned some pretty amazing coping skills after, had a great counselor who works with PTSD clients and she was phenomenal.
Fast forward to now and I needed to take Boo in to see the vet for a lameness exam. To do that, I had to get her and her filly on the trailer. Getting Boo to load is never a problem but, of course, the baby has never trailered. I was hopeful that she'd follow her mom right into the trailer but, OH NO! That wasn't about to happen. Boo went in, pretty as you please, but baby wasn't having any of it. She hollered and fussed and ran around like a maniac and every time she got out of sight, Boo got super unhappy. So, here I am, in the trailer with Boo ( this HUGE mare who fills up the 3 horse trailer all by herself or so it seems to me) and she's stomping around and swaying side to side and generally being a handful, and guess who gets triggered and started having a flashback? Oh yeah, ME! I started to sweat, and shake, and get light headed and I'm seeing myself going to the floor and get kicked in the head and trampled and generally just replaying the whole ugly scene.
It got so bad that I cancelled the vet visit and went in the house to try and get it together again. I thought I had put all that stuff in the rear view mirror, but I guess some things just stay with you for life. I knew I wasn't ever real happy about having to get into a trailer with a horse, which is why mine are all self loaders, but I also know that I have to train the filly and I'll have to be in the trailer at least a little bit. I guess the trailer is never going to be my happy place.
And, yes, I did reschedule Boo's appt, and had hubby take off early from work so HE could be the one who went in the trailer. Naturally, since I had gutted it out for 2 hours last time, baby did just hop in and follow momma. No friggin' justice in this world. NONE.
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I wish there was a "care" reaction here.
I think it's important that you continue to share about your terrible accident and PTSD - I think PTSD is one of those things that still isn't talked about enough, especially with connection to horses. Thank you so much for continuing to share, but I am so sorry that you have a reason to.
I think it's important that you continue to share about your terrible accident and PTSD - I think PTSD is one of those things that still isn't talked about enough, especially with connection to horses. Thank you so much for continuing to share, but I am so sorry that you have a reason to.
HUGE HUGS. I'm a big beliver in therapy in many forms after trauma (or any time really), but I don't think it can/should prevent things from popping back up. It can give us the tools to help us work through when things do trigger us.
What you went through sounds terrifying. Truly. I'm so glad you're ok and I think you're really brave to have attempted what you did with the filly.
What you went through sounds terrifying. Truly. I'm so glad you're ok and I think you're really brave to have attempted what you did with the filly.
When you think about it, it’s totally reasonable for every part of us to panic when we get in a situation that got us badly hurt, it’s our survival mechanism!
Be kind to yourself, and appreciate what you can do, how much worse it could be.
I confess I hate trailers over here, give me a little UK two horse, with a grooms door, or front onload, there is an escape route open for you if you need it.
Be kind to yourself, and appreciate what you can do, how much worse it could be.
I confess I hate trailers over here, give me a little UK two horse, with a grooms door, or front onload, there is an escape route open for you if you need it.
I think it’s our primitive built in preservation instinct kicking in.
I had an accident years ago when leading a horse, I ended up in hospital and still can’t remember what happened for the few minutes leading up to it, until I regained consciousness
I still get a surge of panic if a horse I’m leading acts up and tries to get its shoulder in front of me.
I had an accident years ago when leading a horse, I ended up in hospital and still can’t remember what happened for the few minutes leading up to it, until I regained consciousness
I still get a surge of panic if a horse I’m leading acts up and tries to get its shoulder in front of me.
some terrible things you experience will never leave you, great that you are able to deal with this in the past and trying to now. A similar situation will bring it back.
Fortunately you were able to deal with it in a good way, stopping when it wasn't working and getting help. Best thing you could have done, for you, for the horses too.
Good for you for working through it successfully
Fortunately you were able to deal with it in a good way, stopping when it wasn't working and getting help. Best thing you could have done, for you, for the horses too.
Good for you for working through it successfully
To be fair, this was a scary situation as a mare separated from her baby can be a lot to handle. So totally understandable that you started getting flashbacks.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I dislike trailering myself, and will probably never like it enough to do it with Rusty. I've never had a bad experience, it just seems to me like there are so many ways it can go wrong.
I think we all know that our passion for horses is one that comes with risk. There are some things that are worth a little risk, but it's also ok to want to minimize that risk. I'm just glad your husband is able to help and that everything went well. I appreciate you sharing.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I dislike trailering myself, and will probably never like it enough to do it with Rusty. I've never had a bad experience, it just seems to me like there are so many ways it can go wrong.
I think we all know that our passion for horses is one that comes with risk. There are some things that are worth a little risk, but it's also ok to want to minimize that risk. I'm just glad your husband is able to help and that everything went well. I appreciate you sharing.
@Dreamcatcher Arabians: I feel terrible for you... I give you credit for even attempting to load again. I hope you will be okay.
I’m so sorry. I think things do stick with us, especially if they are not things we do consistently. After Cash ran over me, I still get scared when he is spooky and I am leading him, but not to that extent.
However, I barely drive. Isn’t that a silly problem to have? I have panic attacks, and then I pass out. I can’t do that driving! It happens whenever I think I can’t pull off the road. It started when I was sick, and I was having seizures. I had two separate ones driving, and both times I had my then littles in the car with me. I was able to pull over.
Now, it’s this brick wall. I didn’t make myself drive, because seizures and driving are a big no no. So, then I had to try and start again after I was healthy. I haven’t been able to get ahold of it at all. Phobias are no joke.
However, I barely drive. Isn’t that a silly problem to have? I have panic attacks, and then I pass out. I can’t do that driving! It happens whenever I think I can’t pull off the road. It started when I was sick, and I was having seizures. I had two separate ones driving, and both times I had my then littles in the car with me. I was able to pull over.
Now, it’s this brick wall. I didn’t make myself drive, because seizures and driving are a big no no. So, then I had to try and start again after I was healthy. I haven’t been able to get ahold of it at all. Phobias are no joke.
Thanks everybody, for your kind responses. Just talking about it, writing about it, brought what I can remember back and, of course, triggered me again. The PTSD therapist I went to uses EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocession) therapy. It's been found to be very effective with PTSD, and does it very quickly. I also use tapping to relieve associated anxiety, mostly to good effect.
I'll be ok in the long haul, just having a rough patch to work through right now. If need be, I'll go back to the counselor for a couple more sessions to refresh what she's taught me.
Boo was actually very good about everything. She only got upset when the baby got out of sight and she was a bawlin' and a squallin'. But even when she was upset, she only tried to leave the trailer, didn't try to drag me out face first, wasn't rearing, didn't try to stomp on me, no spinning, no side to side, just shuffling her feet and a lot of unrequested forward motion. Once I was able to get her focused and to stand still unless I asked her to move, and the baby started exploring the ramp and very first part of the inside of the trailer, things were a lot calmer and that helped. I wasn't quite as worried about getting flattened. Once Boo gave me what I was asking for, and once the baby started to actually do a little exploration of the trailer, I called it quits on a good note. It was tough, but I got through it. Not gonna lie, won't be doing that again, anytime soon.
I'll be ok in the long haul, just having a rough patch to work through right now. If need be, I'll go back to the counselor for a couple more sessions to refresh what she's taught me.
Boo was actually very good about everything. She only got upset when the baby got out of sight and she was a bawlin' and a squallin'. But even when she was upset, she only tried to leave the trailer, didn't try to drag me out face first, wasn't rearing, didn't try to stomp on me, no spinning, no side to side, just shuffling her feet and a lot of unrequested forward motion. Once I was able to get her focused and to stand still unless I asked her to move, and the baby started exploring the ramp and very first part of the inside of the trailer, things were a lot calmer and that helped. I wasn't quite as worried about getting flattened. Once Boo gave me what I was asking for, and once the baby started to actually do a little exploration of the trailer, I called it quits on a good note. It was tough, but I got through it. Not gonna lie, won't be doing that again, anytime soon.
@Dreamcatcher Arabians: Well done... Small steps for you. It's excellent you have the tapping as a means of focusing you on something simple/not phyiscally or otherwise demanding to help you mentally move away from the trauma. I think you're very smart to call your therapist to tell them you might need some support. Pretty sure you have the 'tools' & 'skills' (and unfortunately the 'expertise') already, but reassurance and reinforcement could be a plus especially with this recent exposure.
It's kind of funny, almost 30 years with the Sheriff's Dept. couldn't do to me what 1 bad wreck in a horse trailer did. Crazy what unhinges us, isn't it?@Dreamcatcher Arabians: Well done... Small steps for you. It's excellent you have the tapping as a means of focusing you on something simple/not phyiscally or otherwise demanding to help you mentally move away from the trauma. I think you're very smart to call your therapist to tell them you might need some support. Pretty sure you have the 'tools' & 'skills' (and unfortunately the 'expertise') already, but reassurance and reinforcement could be a plus especially with this recent exposure.
@Dreamcatcher Arabians: I would say definitely NOT unhinged! And who knows if some of what you may have internalized (with your decades of work with the SO) might be playing a role in your rx to the horse traumas... Along the lines of like I have to be TOUGH at my SO work & not show any weakness, but at home/with my horses I can be myself. The freakish and scary nature of your precious horse accident (and the recent incident with Boo's filly) could be manifesting itself like THIS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING TO ME DOING SOMETHING I LOVE! Who knows?!
Who knows, indeed!
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