@Dani98: First & foremost, welcome to HF!

Do you own a horse or are you working with a lesson horse?

I think you may hear from more people than you might imagine that will tell you that you are definitely not the only one who loves their horses BUT at sometime or another may have had emotional reactions while working with their trainer.

Personally, my emotions tend to present themselves when I am stressed about something else and not necessarily about what I'm trying to do with or learn about with our horse. For example, and this is only one of quite a few, many years ago one of our dogs was very ill and we were going to have to euthanize him. I actually thought taking a riding lesson during that period would help me take my mind off our upcoming sorrow. My trainer knew our dog was sick and she was actually being very understanding (she was a dog breeder & trainer as well but I definitely wouldn't have described her as a 'warm & fuzzy' type). She was telling me to adjust the placement of my left leg... Something relatively minor & just really in a non confrontational way and I burst into tears. She approached me and suggested I might be better off just hanging out with my horse and not expecting to be able to learn something during that lesson. Obviously, she was right.

The point of my story is that many of us (and so many you would never imagine being able to empathize let alone sympathize with you) have life issues that impact more than just our horse-life.

I would offer that you work with a trainer who presents in a way to not necessarily trigger your anxiety at every turn. You don't necessarily need to tell them EVERYTHING, but it might help to express how you learn best. I also have heard of a number of horse-related riding programs that work with (for example) veterans. That tells me that there might be a program you could research that could be of benefit to you as the people who work in those programs have unique skills beside their horse knowledge that might benefit you in some way. It's just something to think about.

I wish you well!

 

@Dani98: First & foremost, welcome to HF!

Do you own a horse or are you working with a lesson horse?

I think you may hear from more people than you might imagine that will tell you that you are definitely not the only one who loves their horses BUT at sometime or another may have had emotional reactions while working with their trainer.

Personally, my emotions tend to present themselves when I am stressed about something else and not necessarily about what I'm trying to do with or learn about with our horse. For example, and this is only one of quite a few, many years ago one of our dogs was very ill and we were going to have to euthanize him. I actually thought taking a riding lesson during that period would help me take my mind off our upcoming sorrow. My trainer knew our dog was sick and she was actually being very understanding (she was a dog breeder & trainer as well but I definitely wouldn't have described her as a 'warm & fuzzy' type). She was telling me to adjust the placement of my left leg... Something relatively minor & just really in a non confrontational way and I burst into tears. She approached me and suggested I might be better off just hanging out with my horse and not expecting to be able to learn something during that lesson. Obviously, she was right.

The point of my story is that many of us (and so many you would never imagine being able to empathize let alone sympathize with you) have life issues that impact more than just our horse-life.

I would offer that you work with a trainer who presents in a way to not necessarily trigger your anxiety at every turn. You don't necessarily need to tell them EVERYTHING, but it might help to express how you learn best. I also have heard of a number of horse-related riding programs that work with (for example) veterans. That tells me that there might be a program you could research that could be of benefit to you as the people who work in those programs have unique skills beside their horse knowledge that might benefit you in some way. It's just something to think about.

I wish you well!

Thank you for being so understanding and taking the time to reply.
"...not expecting to be able to learn something during that lesson." If we could all take this attitude with us the next time we go to see our horses - not just in tense life situations

I think a lot of the additional stress comes from being in front of the barn owner who lets me ride her horses (yeah, these are mostly lesson horses). She's very different from people in my social circle - confident, socially intelligent, very direct in feedback but at the same time focused on how she words things. Not a typical horse lady by any means. This makes her hard to read and you never know what she's actually thinking. She is great with horses though and most importantly it's not every day she gives lessons to people, that's another reason which makes me want to do well. Maybe I just need to get to know her better and get more comfortable around her. And understand that a meltdown is not the end of the world, perhaps it can even help her to make a clearer picture of what's going on.

 

I was thinking about a couple of things you wrote:

The BO offered you private groundwork lessons. She's confident and direct in her feedback but at the same time focused on how she words things.

Look at it this way, you have an added bonus of not having to compete for her time. It seems like she is more cognizant of your needs than you are giving her credit for. In your head, puff your chest out and do a little strut as this an opportunity that you can definitely learn and build upon.

Sounds like she's trying to build your confidence as well. It's funny that when I tell people that I'm not the most confident rider (I started riding in my early 40s and had only taken a couple of trail rides when I was kid. It took me a year to save money for each experience). One person said to me, and this stuck with me, how could you say you're not confident?! You're on a 1200 pound animal so many feet off the ground and you're making him go where you want. I guess I can see that to a certain degree... I am, still 23+ years later, hyper aware of my own safety. That's okay in my books.

Enjoy your horse experiences. So many people would be thrilled to be in your shoes.

 

I don't have a lot of useful advice for you but I think you would be surprised at the number of people will identify with your problem.
I have been riding, caring for, handling and training horses for about 63 years, all ages and breeds and I also find that I do my best work when it's just me and the horse. For some reason, like you, I am not as relaxed as I need to be when others are watching.
The only thing I can say is try to block the watchers out and think just of you and the horse and what it is you want to do. Really try to focus on the horse as this is what you should be doing anyway, hard I know but try. Turn you back on the watchers as this might help.

For me it's because for the most part I have worked by myself so when others are around I guess I find it distracting.
Practice makes perfect they say so the more experience you get the easier it will be.

 

OMG I thought it was just me! I feel like people think I am lying when I tell them how well my ride went (when alone) and then someone rides with me and my horse and I are less than stellar. For some reason, I feel judged by others that appear to be much better riders than myself. That makes me tense. It's all on me, I know. I have learned not to tell anyone how well I think my alone rides have gone.

 

I get you! I struggled with social anxiety much of my life and really, only started to overcome it 2 years ago at 25. It takes time and it's a work in progress.

I wish I had direct advice I could give, but I really believe everyone's process is different and each person's anxieties come from different places. Mine was certainly the barn politics and yes, mentors who have said things and made me doubt my abilities etc. However, I can share my experience with you in hopes you may relate to some of it.

When I was less confident in my abilities as a rider, I often looked to other people for consolidation in my abilities. This, is actually somewhat harmful. Yes, you absolutely want to be open to your instructor's feedback and instruction, but don't let ANYONE make you feel like you aren't doing the best you can do. Your learning! and we all learned at one point in our lives. Heck, I'm STILL learning almost 20 years later!

Now, barn politics and dealing with exterior judgement. This is something that has taken me eons to get through and is still a work in progress. Barn politics and judgements from others/instructors REALLY hurt, but you need to THINK about them and whether they have any basis. If they do, cool, that is absolutely something you can acknowledge and work on. "Thanks instructor for pointing out I need to be more confident! I'm working on it, but I notice you are quite confident. What tips can you give me to overcome those fears?". However, if you have external judgement that is unbased, that is different. I'm working a green horse at a new barn. I know a few, but not well and WHOO people feel some ENTITLED to give their opinions. At this point of my life, I have the experiences and the training to know my scope and when I am out of my scope, I'll admit it and get exterior help. In this case, I was not out of my scope (horse was spooking in new arena and they were easy spooks to ride through) and a fellow boarder goes "OH, YOU REALLY WORKED HIM TOO HARD ". This lady can't sit out the spooks on her own horse and pays her trainer to do it ****. That just makes her out to be a fool when she's judging someone else, out of her OWN SCOPE.

and here is where I have learned to regulate my anxiety by recognizing conductive criticism from unproductive/unnecessary criticism. Ask yourself, "does this person mean well?", "Does this person have REASON to be saying these things?". Often, when it comes to trainers, they do! But if it hurts you, tell them! " you know, you really are right, but for some reason I feel a lot of pressure when watched and I have difficulty relaxing. Please give me some tips!". Others....usually not and so I try my best to check them where they stand and when all else fails, "M'aam your comments are really unnecessary and you are not my coach. I think we can both agree that unsolicited advice makes for a unwelcoming environment, so let's both be kind to eachother. Alright? "

 

@Jolly101: Excellent insights on unrequested feedback related to horses. For me, I didn't start riding till I was 40 and still have so much to learn now 23 years later.

In my professional lives, I was very confident and some would even say arrogant... But based on what I was expected to do, my responsibilities to my company or my patients or my clients/customers, and the money I was paid it wasn't necessarily a bad trait.

23 years of riding and being around horses now, it still blows me away at how many people will just open mouth and spew @&*$ even though they're not being asked for their input. I know that might sound harsh, but maybe that's my evil twin's arrogance coming back out?!

 

@Jolly101: Excellent insights on unrequested feedback related to horses. For me, I didn't start riding till I was 40 and still have so much to learn now 23 years later.

In my professional lives, I was very confident and some would even say arrogant... But based on what I was expected to do, my responsibilities to my company or my patients or my clients/customers, and the money I was paid it wasn't necessarily a bad trait.

23 years of riding and being around horses now, it still blows me away at how many people will just open mouth and spew @&*$ even though they're not being asked for their input. I know that might sound harsh, but maybe that's my evil twin's arrogance coming back out?!

Oh absolutely! People in the horse community need to learn to hold their tongue unless it is a situation requiring interference, even then (I get how it sucks to watch someone do something unsafe), comments really don't do anything if they are unwanted. Actually, they do quite the opposite psychologically-speaking and often cause individuals to become more stubborn in their choices. I have never once gotten irritated at someone asking me why I am doing something and respecting my decisions, but giving their own experiences. I have gotten very irritated at people who don't know me interjecting their own opinions as if they are gospel and thinking they understand the entire situation. Unfortunately, I more often see the latter.

For OP, I did have a instructor/mentor that has said some really demeaning things to me, in front of others, so I can ABSOLUTELY relate to freezing up and not knowing what to say back. An example was an instructor I had taken lessons with for years and was shadowing for my instructors. She dragged her feet when It came to my riding level and set me up ill-prepared on green horses for jumping courses. After 2 years of that, I had enough. I found another coach who could get me a safe horse and then have me tested in 4 months (or whenever I felt ready). This coach was more politically involved and higher level. I went, succeeded and stopped asking my instructor for help. Instructor took this out on me by telling others in my inner circle that I "couldn't jump if my life depended on it". I had a fear set up by her choices of unsuitable horses and she knew that. I was shocked and today, STILL regret not saying something, but luckily my inner circle knew who I had trained with and knew that was a BS statement coming from someone who was supposedly supposed to be the instructor who taught me to jump 😂 So she really shot herself in the foot there and was never asked back to the barn.

I don't think I've ever had true stage fright as OP is describing, but I definitely have been in lessons before where I am not as firm with a horse due to someone watching (thinking they would misconstrue my actions). For the jumping, it was a different instructor that got me through. The new instructor just clicked with my needs better. For the consciousness, It just took time, lots of reading of theories and posts here, and associated confidence in my learnings to understand that I can explain my actions quite clearly if asked. You'll get there too OP, I PROMISE! Being hesitant when new to working with a horses is THE MOST NORMAL THING EVER! I had a student when shadowing who was always afraid to get bigger aids, refused to use a crop etc. I had other instructors comment on it and always told them to mind their business. That rider ended up doing VERY WELL as a jumper. It just took time for her to come into her own style of riding.

Ultimately, unsolicited and potentially demeaning comments suck and they make the horse community so very unwelcoming; however, it is best to work towards the realization that some people simply have so little joy in their lives that they get that from criticizing others. You can't control them, but you can control how you deal with them.

Always act professional (put yourself in a light that can't be twisted), ask them questions about what they mean by a statement (put THEM on the spot to answer you and watch as they scramble to try and compose themselves or maybe they simply mis phrased something!), state facts and how YOU feel. Never assume how they feel or what they meant, unless it is very obvious. Use silence, when applicable and let them do the talking, while you do the questioning.

 

So, as those who have posted here (as well as those who have posted on other threads related to training issues - their own training or their horse's training or a combination thereof)... I would like to bring this thread back to something positive that's happening to me with a trainer I hired to help me.

To @Dani98: I want to say that if you admire your trainer and feel you are progressing with her and can keep the communication lines open, it'll be worth it!

This is going to be somewhat of a novella, but the key is that I would like to just show that as long as communication is kept open and there's a level of trust with whom you're working with that good things can happen. Also, for me, my horse riding progress isn't always linear and sometimes takes a llloonnggg time.

So as some of you know, I've been riding since my early 40s and now it's 23 years later and I'm ready to address some somewhat recent things happening with our horse that we've had for over 16 years. We have also had our vet out to check our horse over for any obvious physical issues. We also had our horse's teeth and sheath done just to rule out those as being contributing to what we're experiencing. Our vet suggested I connect with a trainer as he felt in part we might be dealing with a behavioral issue. He did recommend a trainer but after doing some research and talking to folks, I did not think necessarily that this person would be the right fit for me for a variety of reasons. I then asked our vet if he felt Trainer X might be able to help me/us. Our vet, and he's a great guy but not pushy at all, got this big grin on his face and said if you want to work with Trainer X that would be perfect. He also works as this trainer's vet when they are here for some months out of each year. They also bought the property next to us about 8 years ago. We are friendly with them. We have a mutual respect for each other and have helped each other out in certain easy to do ways (as neighbors) without being too intrusive in each other's lives.

To say that Trainer X's level experience is so far over my head would be the biggest understatement imaginable. She works with people who ride at the PanAm level. And her significant other has riden at Rolex and has also rode for his country's team. A well-known saddle company is also one of his sponsors.

I initially contacted Trainer X and told them what I was having issues with. I asked if when they got here if I could hire them for up to a few lessons a week. I kept it open ended. They asked me some questions and then agreed to help. WOW... Lucky me... To say I was NERVOUS couldn't even begin to cover my level of emotions... Dang, I am a trail rider and my experience compared to theirs would fit in a thimble! But taking it down to the basics, they're human and ride a horse and I'm human and ride a horse. Nah, who am I kidding?!

So, during our first lesson they did some basic groundwork with my horse and then talked to me about what WE were going to be doing for our first lesson.

As we've gone through each lesson, I've been getting some feedback but basically keeping it very focused on the lesson that day. In between, I sometimes ask questions and/or expressed concerns I have. The next lesson, she sometimes outright addresses my concerns or sometime moves on to something different or makes our lesson a continuation of our previous session. Her teaching style is to teach and observe. During the lesson, she doesn't spend a lot time explaining what/why we're doing (number one I wouldn't be able to hear her and number two I would have to stop and listen to her to process what she was saying cuz that's how my brain works), but she tells me what she would like me to do and then corrects me fairly gently when I need guidance. If I get it, she's not effusive but she'll say well done. If I don't get it, she'll try a different approach if I tell her I don't get it. Believe me, I don't pretend I know something I don't.

FYI: I've not been keeping a hardcopy log about what we're working on, but our messages back and forth to each other are sort of my story about what we're working on and our progress and our next steps. When I first started riding about 23 years ago, I did keep a pretty detailed log about my lessons. It helped me when I was overwhelmed and when I wasn't feeling like I was making progress to go back and read what had been happening. I did realize after reading my logs over time that I really was making progress.

After my most recent lesson on Sunday, I went back to read our messages. After doing so, I was blown away... To that point, I was not fully understanding where the leasons were going. She was having me do some basic stuff that is not in my riding wheelhouse nowadays, but is definitely part of what they do when they first start working with people in their discipline. My epiphany occurred because I asked a question in a message about eventually getting back to trail riding and my concerns about being able to deal with possible behavior issues presented by our horse. Her response was because I've been having you do this, I am hoping that will be one of a number of tools you can use when we start actually hacking. She gave me just one example and I was mentally like wow that could work.

Coming to the end of this novella, I don't know what's going to happen with us when we get back on the trail. I just know that at least at this point, with my trainers help (and I'm still blown away and still overwhelmed at times), I feel there's some hope that things could go better than I've been experiencing recently. That's all I can ask for at this point.

@Dani98: I just want to say that for some of us (ME!) sometimes baby steps are how we roll. That's okay in my books. I'm forever, and I am talking over 23 years of riding, reminding myself to breathe and to not overthink things. Easier said than done sometimes for sure. I hope you take it to heart... Not only by what I have written but by what others have also said, that you are not the only one who has doubts.

Again, wishing you well and hope to hear back from you.

 

This may or may not help, but you are absolutely not the only one who feels this way. I've always said that horses keep me humble, but I'm currently taking a coaching as leadership class, and something has really stuck with me. I've realized that I am far harder on myself than anyone else. So if I imagine that I'm talking to someone else who has the issue I am having, I find myself being far more compassionate and supportive than if I am talking to myself in my head. That sounds weird - let me see if I can explain it.

I just went out after a brutal day at work and had a moment with my horse. I have three, but really he is my whole world. He came to me for rubs and we played a game where I get on him bareback and tackless and he walks around for a bit, then I give him a treat. No saddle, no bridle, nothing really specific in mind either, just a moment when I could sit on his back and be. I came in feeling so good about that connection, and for a split second a dark cloud passed over me when I thought of how the "serious horse people" would laugh at me if they knew. I didn't jump 3 ft or make him do tempi changes. I didn't win any ribbons. And then I told myself: "Hey self! are you kidding me? You look after 3 horses all by yourself in all kinds of weather, when they're hurt, sick, or just in a mood. You stand between two 1200 lb animals and tell them to quit jostling for position at feeding time. You can make them listen when it's time to work, but -- perhaps more importantly -- you listen to them too. You throw hay, break up ice, pick up manure and get up every single day to feed them. If that's not being a serious horse person, I don't know what is."

So that negative little voice in my head telling me I'm not good enough can just go take a hike. Maybe yours should too? Pretend you are giving someone else advice, but they are in a similar position. What would you tell them?

 

@Acadianartist: That was awesome. Thanks... I know I can use that!