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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is not meant to be a dramatic "feel sorry for me and give me all the attention" post. Or at least I don't intend it to be. But I need to rant, and I feel I owe you guys an explanation as to what is going on.

So here's the story.

So I'm recently graduated. My parents dropped a divorce on me right before, during the most stressful preperations of my life.

My dad had been having an affair with my best friends Mom for a year. She is now pregnant with my only sibling, my friend now hates me, and my dad is so obsessed with having this baby it's made him neurotic. And her Mom (Let's call her Dee) is scared of her current husband and wants to put the baby up for adoption. I am terrified of losing my only sibling. Especially like this. I won't lie. I feel betrayed and abandoned by my father. He still talks to me and gives me money and wants me to live with him, but he was been verbally abusive to my mother and me and says disturbing things that aren't healthy. He scares me. I know I should visit him but I don't want to. All we do is fight anyway, and it's always been like that, even before the divorce.

My Mom started dating our farrier. I am so happy about this, because she's happy with him, and he is a wonderful guy. He is sponsoring me and helping us as much as he can. Only now, we are left behind by Dad who took most of the money with him. My Mom is on disability and can't pay the rent for the house, tv, internet, power, horses, etc on that. Boyfriend is helping us out but she is too prideful, and won't admit that we can't even feed ourselves right now. She told me that after all the bills, we only have $50 for the rest.

Now how scary is that?

I'm working now for a cowhorse trainer. He owes me a couple hundred right now and I am working more. I don't know if this is going to work out to help me pay for everything, but I am going to crunch numbers and see. I am also doing odd house sitting for an arabian ranch which pays very well, and working horses in exchange for hay at another ranch. Our horses are all on pasture right now and doing fine, so feed right now isn't going to be an issue. it will be during the winter.

My dad was paying for the internet (by my request, thats all I asked of him when he left) but he just now cancelled it. I asked him to put it back up and let me pay for it (It's super cheap here) but he refuses. Mom can't get it because she doesn't have the income. I can't get it myself because I'm not "technically" working. I'm just getting paid. Plus I'm still under 18 until August.

Now, the internet wouldn't be a big deal, excepttt...I have made myself a problem. I have become the person every single internet person comes to when they are feeling...suicidal. I don't have another word. I have people who literally can only reach me through skype, facebook, etc. I have people who I have spent hours with talking them down and giving them all the hope I can. I have people who openly admit if it wasn't for me they would have offed themselves. I haven't told them any of my problems. I haven't told them the internet is going to go away. I just gave them my phone number, but I have two in australia who I knew personally before they moved there who can't afford to call me, and I obviously can't afford to call them...

I don't know what to do with the horses. Right now, I'm toughing it out and waiting to see what kind of finances I personally have. I am mad at my mother (Without justification, I'm just mad to be mad, even though I shouldn't be) for bringing home April and Bubbles when she knew we were entering a hard time. Now I have an old horse and a horse who would be lucky to be selected for slaughter meat (Sorry but it's true.) and at the moment, I don't have the time to change that because I'm too busy bouncing from ranch to ranch trying to make money to feed the horse. If I could get her broke I could sell her, but I don't have the time. I'm frustrated right now beyond belief.

I will hold onto Selena as long as I can, as she is the only one technically mine. If the money gets too tight, I am going to lease her out. If I sell her, I'm scared I'll go back to being suicidal. I'm scared I'll cut or starve myself again. I'm scared I won't be able to handle it, but I'm even more scared that she will suffer because of me.

That is so jumbled. But that's what's going on.

I am going to try and spend my "me" time on HF and the internet. (Or, whats left of my me time) and just relax. I feel very serene here with all my pixel friends. Even fifteen minutes a night helps. I just don't know how long I'm going to have that luxury.

So that's my rant. Now you know. I hope I can find a way to make everything work...
 
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Wow, what a trooper and strong person you are for going through all of that.
First off I want to send you and your mom a HUGE cyber hug. :hug:

Second. Stop and take a moment. Take a deep breath. Your an amazing young person.

You can only do what you can do realistically. Over working yourself is not the answer, you cant help your mom out if your burn yourself out and don't take care of yourself first.

Self care in times like this may feel very selfish but in the long run are what make things happen. If you need to hop on the internet after a long day of working to help provide for your family and your father agreed to pay for that and nothing more I see no problem with him sticking to his word.

If your talking to people on this site helps clear your mind and give you better perspective on home life problems or horse related and helps you decompress own it and don't think of it as a bad thing.

You are only human. You can only do what any other person can do.

I too have been in the position of caretaker to a single parent and being the one with the only supporting job. It is not an easy task physically or emotionally. Know your such a strong caring person to be able to do this. This day in age so many people would have turned down a wrong path or not helped in the ways you are or altogether split from both parents and said deal with this on your own. But you didn't.

Know your mom is beyond grateful for all that you do even if she doesn't say it. A child's support and love and understand without judgement is more then any parent can ask for and your doing just that for her! Its priceless and so wonderful!

As for your father, I can somewhat relate. I am adopted and found out this year in meeting him for the very first time that I was the result of the divorce of his first wife from my eldest half sibling, that I was the result of the affair my father had.

In time you can only hope your relationship with him will lesson in stress and awkwardness. You can only do your half and have high hopes and low expectations for anyone else.

Again Hugs, Know I one person on this site that has more then enjoyed fallowing your threads, viewing your photos and listening to your successes in life!

I hope you stay with us and that what ever is meant to be is meant to be and works its self out without hurting your anymore!

HUGS!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you girly...It means a lot hearing that coming from you.

I am going to do my best, but I can't help but feel like I shouldn't have to be the strong one here, because I'm just a kid for god's sake. And I'm starting to really feel like one every passing day.

Your hugs are so much appreciated :/ And thank you for your advice too, it means a lot to me.
 

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I didn't want to read and not post - huge hugs! I really hope things work out for you even if they don't seem like they will right now. You can only do your best especially in a situation that isn't your fault.
 

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You are JUST A KID, heck I am 21 and I am still JUST a KID. No one our age should have to deal with the burden you are faced with.

Take it day by day, Be honest with yourself and everyone around you.

When you need a break and to get away, being 10 minutes to a whole day, do it you deserve and will come back feeling better and with a clearer head.

Do things that make you happy too!! Dont over face yourself.

Be a kid, but be the smart hard working happy kid you're allowed to be!
 

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Wow, SH! You have A LOT on your shoulders! I'm so sorry about the whole situation you are in, I wish I could help somehow. :( I hope everything will work out OK (and SOON) for you and your mom! And I also hope that other woman will NOT adopt out a baby! * Hugs *
 

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I am just amazed daily at how mature you guys are. I'm Proud of you for taking all of this in so well and working to make everything you can happen.
Your parents are in the wrong- and it makes me angry. We should not steal our children's childhoods from them, I can't stand to see that.
Praying it keeps working- and you get to keep your girl.
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Sorry that you are facing so much unrest. I hope your Dad will rethink things & pay the internet bill, at least for awhile. As you can see, people care, and many of us hope your life becomes better soon.
 

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Oh dear, you poor thing. Your dad really has messed up big time here, destroying at least five lives here in the process. You are a victim in the train wreck of his life, and it is not fair. :hug:

Now for yourself: YOU are number one and if you look after number one then you will hopefully have the strength to help with your mum's life, and to keep your horse. Do as the other's say, take a deep breath and do this one day at a time.

Now I am going to say something hard. You are not the only one that can help those people out there on the internet that have been relying on you, but they have all chosen to see you as their saviour. This is an unfair and selfish burden that they are each putting on you. Wherever in the world these people are, they have options to turn elsewhere, whether they seek help from the Samaritans, or their church, or their doctor, or local friends.

Now that your life has been derailed by your dad you don't have the capacity to help everyone else - I think that you should turn these people away to other sources of help.

I wish you much luck with the future days and weeks. Tell your dad how you feel, but don't break ties with him; he may be a prize idiot, but he is still part of your family. Best wishes.
 

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I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. Sending lots of hugs and support your way.
 

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It p.o.'s me no end on how selfish some people can be. A grown man, can (Ihate to use the word Ruin, because you will be okay), but totally mess up so many lives and families, for what? To get his jollies, for a midlife crisis, because he wasn't happy. People like that need a special place to go. We need to bring back the scarlet letter, "A"
I am sure sorry!
The library has free internet.
 

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Michaela, I'm so sorry that all of this is happening to you. My parents divorced when I was three after my mom gave up her job in higher administration (was a dean of students with a doctorate at a great college) to raise us, and because she had gotten out of the field for some time, it was very difficult to find another job. There have been times when she has told me to put her horse up for sale, lease out our Paso, etc., because times are tough, but we've gotten through it, and we don't have to worry anymore.

You and your mom can pull through this; stay strong and don't overwork yourself. If you ever need to talk, feel free to send me a PM.

Sage
 

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Have you ever thought about working full service at horse shows? I used to work full service for all the local A and AA rated hunter jumper shows. I charged $50 per horse per day. Most of the shows were at least a week long, if not two weeks long. Often times I brought home $3,000+ in cash at the end of each show. I know this isn't a solution, but it is an idea that might be able to help you out for a while.
 

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Wow, I can't think of anything "inspirational" to say or any suggestions, so I'll just say that I'm praying it all works out for you and I'll offer you some :hug:s
 

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Has you mother seen a lawyer to establish what is legally hers? Or to get either a legal separation or divorce? This offers her legal protection of her assets after her day in court. If your father's world collapses he may try to take everything and basically leave you mother on the street. She needs legal protection.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thank you so, so much for all of your support you guys. It means the world to me.

I worked this morning and am going back to the arab ranch tomorrow evening, and for the evening feeds rest of the week. I should bring home around $150 from that which is going strictly to groceries right now. I am going back up to the other ranch too as much as possible for hay too, and am going to see if my friend Brittney wants to use April on the trails these days.

It's a start...
 
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I am so sorry. Lots of hugs and good thoughts being sent your way. It's not fair at all that your dad decided to think ONLY of himself, and in doing so has damaged several other lives. If you don't feel comfortable seeing him, don't. Don't feel obligated because he's your dad.

As for the people looking to you for support, there are plenty of other resources out there, and if it makes you feel any better, you can research some of them, and let those people know about the other sources, and that you are going through some hard times yourself, and want to make sure that they still get the support they need, but it needs to be from someone else right now. It's hard, but you do really need to focus on YOU.

You need to make sure that you aren't burning yourself out, even if it is only a few hours a week, 30 minutes a day, whatever it takes to just take a breath, so you can still function, and help out where you can. If you burn yourself out, you won't be able to help, and you don't want that.

The library generally does have free internet, and most libraries, it's free to get a card if you don't already have one. You can go for an hour or two, and use their computer, keep in touch with others etc.

I know that at least in Southern CA, people pay good money to get their horses groomed for shows. English shows, manes braided, horses bathed, hooves polished, if you could advertise yourself, and find some shows, it would bring in a decent amount of money. It's not the most glorious job, but its money, you can get more connections in the horse world, etc. If you don't know how to braid, there are plenty of books, or you could even ask someone for help learning. A lot of people would love to give you a little help. And if you have your own horses that stand still well enough, you can get plenty of practice in.

I hope that things start looking up soon! Again, more hugs your way, and by all means don't quit HF, we are all here to give you a listening ear.
 

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:hug:s!!!!

I'm praying for you and don't quit HF! We are all here to listen to you and to help you!

:hug: :hug: :hug:-because one just isn't enough :)
 

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I was going to suggest a library too. We often don't have internet at my home and I use the library for 30 minutes or so every few days.

I really don't know exactly what to say to you, except that I am praying for and thinking of you as you go through this hard time. I know from personal experience how taxing it can be on our hearts and our minds to have adults depending on us...when it should be the other way around. My parents are still together miraculously but only one works and he spends a very large portion of our money on frivolous things for himself that we can't afford and uses our credit cards heavily, so I often am the one paying for our gas, our food, and our water so I can at least partially understand. You are very brave and strong to be willing to step up to the plate since your dad failed to do so and 'dropped the ball' in a sense. Many teenagers would immediately just start hating and blaming, not trying to do something about it.

But don't let it all fall on your shoulders. I don't QUITE practice what I preach when I tell you that, but I'm learning the hard way that mental stress that never ends does terrible, terrible things to you. I for one put a lot of unneeded stress on myself because I'm a fretter. If I have down time, I'm worrying about something, and I'm worrying a lot. I eventually work myself into this zone of 'everything is terrible, theres no way it will end well' and that does NOTHING to help the situation. So my advice to you is yes, be aware of the situation, yes help as much as you can, but also realize that theres only so much that one YOU can do. Your strength is only so great, so don't exhaust it trying to fix everything. Be in control of what you can be in control of, and trust that the rest will fall into place...even if things are hard for a while. Nothing happens without reason.

As for those friends of yours who rely on you, please realize that if you are unable to stand strong for them all of the time you are NOT in ANY WAY a failure, and you are not letting them down. Even if they did decide to do something irrational. They are their own persons, just like you are yours. You have found ways to deal with your stress (Selena, HF, etc) and they need to learn to do that as well. Its something all of us must learn to do at one point or another, and sometimes people just aren't up to owning up to their own shortcomings and emotional baggage. But the fact that they can not deal with their problems without reaching out to you would not be your burden to carry. They have other options, and they will realize that. Maybe before your internet is shut off you can give them a little bit of advice about who to talk to when you're away. Explain to them that you have tough things (you don't have to get into detail) going on at your home also and that your internet is being shut off for now, and tell them that you will be thinking of them. Give them ideas for someone else to go to. Friends, family, journals, stress relieving activities, doctors....and then leave it at that. The cross will be no longer yours because you gave them warning that you would not be there as their emotional stronghold anymore, you will have prepared them, and you will have given them the tools to deal with their problems. What they do with that information and those tools is up to them.

So sorry you have to go through all of this girlie! If I had a perfect solution to give you, I would. Unfortunately though, I'm learning that things just aren't simple. But you will learn from this, and become stronger because of this. Don't give up!
 

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Just a few tidbits of advice...Take it one day at a time! Thinking about all these things at once can, and will, be very overwhelming. You MUST take care of yourself first and not worry about decisions that are out of your hands.

My mom is a thick headed alcoholic and I've learned you can either sink with the ship or keep swimming to keep your head above water!
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