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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
*this is a story I've been working on. I hope you all enjoy it. PLEASE critique me. If you see anything I should improve, or change let me know.:):)*

PROLOGUE
The man smiled as he entered the arena, aware every camera would be trained on his face. He did his best to hide the shame and worry he felt. He silently hopped his wife would be ok... and the delivery would go ok. His horse tossed his beautiful black head. He too was anxious, and wanted this to be over. The crowd cheered as the man trotted to the starting line. He stopped just behide it. The crowd hushed one another. After just a moment, the rider and his horse took off.

They sprited to the first barrel and whipped around it with ease. The annoucer excitedly yelled it looked like a new record. The man smiled again. He forced his mind to concentrate. He couldn't worry about Maggie now. She would be fine. He urged his mount faster.

Then it happend. A young boy of ten, whom had idolized this man for years, was sitting just outside the railing fence which surrounded the arena. The young boy jumped to his feet and screamed along with the crowd. He flew to the railing and pushed against it. Much to his and his parents shock, the section of the railing tipped over. It fell to the ground with a loud, "CLANG!" As it hit against another section.

Maybe if the rider hadn't been so distracted. He would have had time to react. Maybe if the black stallion hadn't been so tense, it wouldn't have startled him. But it did.

The audience watched in horror as the horse reared. His eyes rolled. The rider grasped the saddle horn and tried to calm the frantic beast. It was no use. The horse came down hard and fast. Then once again he reared. This time he lost his balance and fell backwards onto the rider. The man had no time to react. The beast screamed as he fought to get up. He finally managed to stumble to his feet. Only to then fall forward. Once again he let out a panicked noise and rose. Four hired helpers jumped the railing and ran to aid the fallen man. Along with two emergency workers and a vet.

The vet determined the horse's leg to be broken. The audience cried in horror. The news cameras turned to zoom in on the young boy who had caused this. But him and his family had disapperd from the scene.

10 minutes later, the rider the crowd had adored, was pronouced dead.
***​
"It's a girl!" The midwife announced as the new mother gave the final push. The midwife passed the screaming baby to her assistant who promtly wrapped the baby in a blanket. The mother cried as they handed her the newborn. Just wait until Her husband heard. For the millionth time she wished John hadn't gone to that stupid rodeo.
"Mother!" The young women called out. The older gray haired women entered the room with tears in her blue eyes.
"Maggie...."the older women began. Maggie looked up at her mother's pale face
"John is dead."


*that was just the prologue. What do you think? Please let me know :)*
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
That's pretty amazing... And very sad! You meany! Making him and the horse die. Still. Very nice. Keep going with that.
Haha thanks :). I know I know. Don't worry it'll get better!!:wink:
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 · (Edited)
*well I figured I might as well post more. Please correct me if I mess up. I won't be offended!*
CHAPTER 1

15 years later

"Great job Hadley." My trainer, Lauren says as I finish the barrel pattern. " Go untack Blitz and see if Lindsey needs help taking up." I nod and smile as I dismount the 16.2 gelding and lead him out of the arena. It's not uncommon for Lauren to ask me to help the younger riders. I don't really mind. Except Lindsey is a slight but spoiled.

I lead Blitz down the been aisle to a pair of crossties and quickly take off his heavy western saddle and bridle before racking a curry comb through his sweaty bay coat. Blitz isn't mine but I wish he were. If give just about anything to own a horse like him.

My mom refuses to buy me one after what happend to my dad. He died in a bad barrel accident. In fact the only reason my mom lets me the lessons or even be at the barn is because of my step dad. When they first were married I was 5 and hated this man. I didn't want a daddy. I wanted to meet my daddy. Not this tall strong brunette. But after he convinced my mom to let me take lessons when I was 6, I decided he was pretty ok. I even call him dad.

Max, the hired ranch hand takes Blitz to go turn him out. I turn around the corner to find Lindsey. "Haddie Miss won't hold still!" I hear her whine before I even reach the stall. I'm greeted with a nerve racking sight as the tall nine year old is trying to force the bit into the mouth of the mare.
"Lindsey you put the saddle up to high! It needs to be back more. And don't do that with her bit. She's going to bite you or you'll manage her head-shy!" I groan bending down to undo the cinch. After the I finish the saddle. Lindsey hands me the bridle. For about the 100th time I wonder why her parents got her the high strung bay when she can barley saddle a horse by herself.
 

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The storyline is exciting and captivating, but I think some of the sentence structure and grammar needs some work. I notice sometimes your sentences get choppy, especially when you're describing Hadley's father's fall. You could take a few of those sentences and string them together with commas to give the story a better flow. For example,

The rider grasped the saddle horn and tried to calm the frantic beast, but it was no use. The horse came down hard and fast. Then once again he reared, this time losing his balance and falling backwards onto the rider. The man had no time to react. The beast screamed as he fought to get up. He finally managed to stumble to his feet only to then fall forward. Once again, he let out a panicked noise and rose. Four hired helpers jumped the railing and ran to aid the fallen man, along with two emergency workers and a vet.

Just a suggestion. Overall, very good!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
The storyline is exciting and captivating, but I think some of the sentence structure and grammar needs some work. I notice sometimes your sentences get choppy, especially when you're describing Hadley's father's fall. You could take a few of those sentences and string them together with commas to give the story a better flow. For example,

The rider grasped the saddle horn and tried to calm the frantic beast, but it was no use. The horse came down hard and fast. Then once again he reared, this time losing his balance and falling backwards onto the rider. The man had no time to react. The beast screamed as he fought to get up. He finally managed to stumble to his feet only to then fall forward. Once again, he let out a panicked noise and rose. Four hired helpers jumped the railing and ran to aid the fallen man, along with two emergency workers and a vet.

Just a suggestion. Overall, very good!
Ok great! Thank you very much!! I'll try to edit and fix that. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Just realised the name of the trainer was already used in another story on this forum. (Face Palm) the trainers name is now Alyssa.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
After helping the little red head, I set off in search of my best friend.

"Watch where your going!" A voice I know to well snaps at me as I run into a stall door. I look up to see a pair of brown eyes glaring at me.

"Sorry Ashlynn." I sigh not wanting to get in a fight with the barn drama queen. Ashlynn tosses her perfectly straight glowing dark hair, and looks me up and down. It's easy to see she's judging my faded jeans, black sweatshirt, and muddied riding boots. It's true I'm nothing compared to her brand new Forget-me-not jeans, sparkling purple belt, and tucked in plaid shirt.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
110 views! Wow more then I thought I'd get. :) but sadly only two comments? Please comment guys! Even if you hate the story! I really want to know what people think of my writing!
 

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A little rough around the edges, but has the potential to be a great read.

Try taking the time to read over it a few times and if anything sounds rough to read then practice writing it a couple different ways til it sounds better to you.

Some of it has too much description and other parts have to little dialogue. I hope this helps without giving exact examples. I know the character is in a hurry, but the interaction with the Lindsey was almost short enough to not mention.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
A little rough around the edges, but has the potential to be a great read.

Try taking the time to read over it a few times and if anything sounds rough to read then practice writing it a couple different ways til it sounds better to you.

Some of it has too much description and other parts have to little dialogue. I hope this helps without giving exact examples. I know the character is in a hurry, but the interaction with the Lindsey was almost short enough to not mention.
Thank you very much for your feedback!! I'll work on that.
 

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110 views! Wow more then I thought I'd get. :) but sadly only two comments? Please comment guys! Even if you hate the story! I really want to know what people think of my writing!
Okay, if you insist :)

Please double check your spelling. Spelling errors can put a reader off very easily, and there are a few in there.

When describing a characters visual appearance, try to avoid using the colour of their hair - it is way too easy sound clichéd when you do that! Go for other characteristics; body build, face shape, eye shape, clothing, mouth etc. the same goes for the horses. Yes, put the colour of the horse into the story at one point IF it is relevant, but don't introduce every new horse with a "the *insert colour here* gelding" moment.

Keep working at it, creativity is a fine thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Okay, if you insist :)

Please double check your spelling. Spelling errors can put a reader off very easily, and there are a few in there.

When describing a characters visual appearance, try to avoid using the colour of their hair - it is way too easy sound clichéd when you do that! Go for other characteristics; body build, face shape, eye shape, clothing, mouth etc. the same goes for the horses. Yes, put the colour of the horse into the story at one point IF it is relevant, but don't introduce every new horse with a "the *insert colour here* gelding" moment.

Keep working at it, creativity is a fine thing.
Thank you very much. :) I'll work on this tonight.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
*thanks to everyone who commented!! Please continue reading and giving feedback*

"Outta my way." Ashlynn says waving me away with the back of her hand. She slams the stable door shut, hard enough for the latch to catch on. But hard enough to startle her gelding Royal Prise. He snorts and shifts sideways, watching the door. Ashlynn doesn't give him a second glance. I roll my eyes and spot Alley leading her horse Pretty Girl to a pair of cross ties.

"Want some help?" I ask snatching up a curry comb from Alley's tack box. Alley smiles, "of course." I begin to run the brush over her spotted coat.

"Guess what?" Alley says mysteriously. oh dear. "What?" Trying not to sound to curious. "Did you see the new boy? He rides western too! She asks smiling " He's so hot!!"

Alley is my best friend. She has been since 3rd grade. But I don't think she's ever going to understand that I don't really have an interest in boys. I mean of course I've had crushes and all. But nothing I want to act on.

*I feel like it's not intersting:cry: I know I'm not that great of a writer but usually I can find something to keep the story going. But I feel really stuck now. And it's only the beginning :cry: please tell me if you think it's getting borning.
 

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Well, I am now curious about what is going to happen. I expect there to be a problem in Ashlynn's stable because you have laid the groundwork for that one, and I am interested in what will happen with this 'daughter of a barrel runner'.

Interest can come not necessarily from exciting events, but from the reader forming some attachment with the characters in the story and investing emotions in them by reading.

Continue - it's the best way to practise.
 

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Well, I am now curious about what is going to happen. I expect there to be a problem in Ashlynn's stable because you have laid the groundwork for that one, and I am interested in what will happen with this 'daughter of a barrel runner'.

Interest can come not necessarily from exciting events, but from the reader forming some attachment with the characters in the story and investing emotions in them by reading.

Continue - it's the best way to practise.
I agree with this post.. You have the pieces in place to make a great story. You have the drama, mystery and contemplation starting to build up. You just need to write it out for you to read over then play with each section until it leads up to the climax in each character. Watch your spelling and grammar as to keep the focus on the story instead of the writing.

Add dialogue between the characters a little more to create a connection between them for us to make the connection in their relations. What does the main character do away from the barn, what kind of relationship/ interaction does she have with her mother on a daily basis. Any kin she relates with outside of her mother? Maybe a cousin who she connects with on her level. Just a few topics to add in for more depth in the reading..

You have already shown improvement from the OP so continue to build on that... I'm looking forward to watching your growth through this story.
 
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