You definately need to talk to someone about how you feel. Keeping all that confusion, anger, and resentment bottled up inside is NOT good! Although I think you should talk to your mom about it, I understand that may be difficult for your relationship with her and your dad. Do you have a counselor at school? Just being able to get it off your chest and take an outsider's advice may make you feel a little better. Sometimes just feeling like you're under the pressure of keeping a secret makes it that much harder. Just remember that the relationship between your parents has NOTHING to do with their relationship with you. Hugs!!

 

Here's what I would do: 1) Don't ever tell your brother, as you've so far intuited not to 2) Don't ask your mom any more questions, because you already know the truth & don't want to put her on the spot & tempt her to fib. She's still to be honored because she's your mother, so enjoy her positive qualities & know that G-d is the Perfect Judge. I don't know how wise it was for Dad to tell you all this, at your young age, especially.:? Perhaps you have a best friend whom you can confide in? One more thing: this isn't the last time people will disappoint you greatly; it's human nature to be selfish. It makes me scuttle back to G-d! :lol: I send healing vibes your way; it made me sad for you to read your post!

 

It sounds horrible, but you can't let it get to you. My mother cheated on my dad, and I told him and she blamed their divorce on me. At first I felt like crap and believed that it was true, I realized it wasn't true. I suppose you need to accept it and move on.

 

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I went through something similar when my folks split, although I was older than you (18), and it was my Dad who cheated on my Mom.
I think it's unhealthy for you to keep in all these feelings. I agree with PP that it was on the cusp of inappropriate for your dad to tell you the details of the divorce. He may have felt he needed to get it out, but you should not be his sounding board on this issue - he's the adult and your father and should know not to burden you with this info. What did he expect you to do with this new info after he made you say you wouldn't speak to your mom about it - obviously it was going to eat away at you. It's unfair of him to burden you with it as it could create ill feelings towards your mother. About the boob job - those are unrelated things. I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I want a boob job too, after I'm done having my babies and nursing them and it has nothing to do with "flaunting". Realize that what he perceived as flaunting may not have been. Sometimes a woman does these things for herself just to make herself feel better and it has nothing to do with anyone else. I have a feeling this a hard concept for a lot of men to understand - that a woman would want to improve her appearance JUST for herself and NOT for a man!
I'm not trying to excuse your mother for cheating if that is what happened. Cheating in my mind is inexcusable. However there are two sides to every story and after hearing how your dad has been behaving, I would take what he says with a grain of salt. You said he holds grudges - I should hope he wouldn't hold them against his own kids. If he does, it's not your fault.
If you do want to talk about it with your mom and not betray your dad's confidence, maybe go to your mom and say you need to have an honest talk with her about how their divirce came to fruition. Maybe suggest to her that you have a few memories about how things went down that are sketchy, or just say that you always wondered if there was infidelity involved. Again, I will say that there is no excuse for cheating, but there may have been extenuating circumstaces - their marriage may have already been crumbling. Marriage is a tough road, and it's easy to build resentment and distain for your spouse. All I am going to suggest is that your mom may not be the only villain here.
I DO feel that you need to talk to both of your parents. Maybe suggest to your dad that you don't like to hear all the negative stuff about your mom. Obviously you love her and you live with her, right? So how is it beneficial for him to slander her to you? And just have an honest talk with your mom and tell her how important it is to you to know what really happened. That's how the healing started with me and my folks. We had to come completely clean with eachother. The biggest rule we established is that Neither parent was allowed to speak negatively about the other.
Sorry for the novel - I just feel like reaching throught the screen ang giving you a big hug. It is a tough thing you are going through.
Keep me updated!

 

Your dad was out of line by telling you this stuff. But in my experience, that what split-ups do -- one side accuses the other and back. The truth seems to be whatever someone tells, believes or listens to at the moment. What you need to know is that their relationship and subsequent break-up is THEIR story, not yours. Neither one of them should be explaining or accusing to your ears. Your story is the life you have had while you lived with both of them and while you live with one or the other and while you live on your own, etc. etc.

I have spent many hours telling a child recently how she does not need to feel any responsiblity toward her dad's guilt, her mom's depression, the break-up or any of it. You need to be strong to tell both of them to stop any time they start to "explain". They can explain all they want to their peers and their counsellors but not their children. It will be extremely difficult now, but somehow you need to distance yourself from what you've been told and just go with your own relationship with each of them, with both of them. You may need some guidance and I urge you to find a dispassionate counsellor to give you blocks to build upon. DISpassionate, not uncompassionate. There is a difference.

 

It was wrong of your dad to put his burden on you!

Please find yourself a counselor and talk to them. You need to have someone you trust to talk these things out with.

 

Please find yourself a counselor and talk to them. You need to have someone you trust to talk these things out with.

I agree.

There should be someone at school that you can talk to or who can refer you to an appropriate listener.

 

My very honest opinion is that your dad is playing unfair games when he tells all that to you and then, to crown all, makes you promise not to talk with your mom about it. That's not the way that mature parent acts. The divorce was something that happened between your parents and reasons behind it are something that belongs just to them, they shouldn't involve you or your brother in them.

I agree with others, don't let that thing eat you mentally anymore but talk about it with someone. Tips that sheisinthebarn's gave sounds IMO great. Perhaps you can clean the atmoshpere talking about the divorce with you mom, without getting the things that you dad said involved?

 

I agree with Always. No way should your father have told you ANY of this. All he was trying to do was put a rift between you and your mother, which is horribly wrong and terribly immature.

Was your mother right for having an affair? Absolutely not! But since your father appears to be an immature, selfish little boy, I'm beginning to see just why she might have felt the need to have some real adult company in her life.

Plus, what does her having breast augmentation have to do with anything? Many women have the surgery, and it doesn't make them cheating floozies.

Your father deliberately and with malice aforethought decided to tell you, a child, all these horrible things about your mother. He knew exactly what he was doing, and the fact that you're afraid he'll stop talking to you if you confront your mother and she tells him what you said, just shows me that he's a vindictive, whiney little boy.

Please go talk to a counselor or another adult whom you trust. You need to get this off your chest. Your mother isn't necessarily the bad guy here, but your father wants to make sure you think she is, and that's just wrong.

 

Speed covered pretty much everything I was getting ready to post. You have been put in a horrible position - one that you should never have been put in in the first place. I hope you will find yourself someone to talk with about this.

 

Him knowing the truth is not going to change what happened with your parents. Keeping the information from him until he is able to deal with the outcome of him hearing the truth, might be what is best.
Having said that, you are having some difficulties handling the situation(understandable), so I would suggest councilling. How old are you? most schools can help you make an appt with a councillor.

Good luck *hug*

 

First off, don't tell your brother what you know. You don't know if it's true or not, and you don't want to burden him the same way that you are now burdened.

You father sounds incredibly immature. It's understandable that he was hurt from the divorce, but there is no reason he should have told you these things. He could have made up the affair to get you more on "his side". If he wouldn't talk to you because you said something, that just furthers his immaturity.

Please understand that everyone is hurting in this situation... Your parents relationship with each other is not something you can control, just concentrate on keeping up your relationship with both your mother and your father. Be the mature one and don't let them make you hate the other one.

Also, there is nothing wrong with getting a boob job. It might be weird to think about your mother wanting to be attractive, but it is a personal choice. If it made her happy and gave her confidence, you should be proud of her.

I'm sure the reason she didn't talk with you about either the affair or the boob job is because she thinks that you will remain innocent and happy not knowing (which you probably were before your dad meddled...). You could speak with your mom in a non accusing way, asking her to talk about the divorce because you are hurting from it. Don't mention the accusations from your father however. There's no reason to stir that up, that might even be what he hoped you would do.

Also, if your dad tries to bring it up again, tell him you don't want to hear bad things about your mother. Be gentle about it, of course.

I wish you all the best... life can be very rough sometimes, but stay strong.

 

Thanks guys, but some of you were just mean when referring to my dad - especially Speed Racer. I was advice, not to hear you guys talk trash about my dad, whom I love.

 

You came for advice and were given advice. I understand that you love your dad, but he has put you in an incredibly unfair situation and none of the assessments made in this thread were made to be cruel, they were honest assessments of what you posted as having been said.

 

Brianna, I have no respect for your father, none.

No mature, responsible parent would have told you what your father did.

He sounds manipulative, immature, and vindictive.

I can understand that he's your father and you love him, but he deliberately told his own child horrible, awful things about her mother. How does that constitute a loving, caring parent?

Plus, your additional thoughts saying he'd stop talking to you if he found out you'd discussed with your mother what he said, just sealed my conviction of him as a lowlife user.

You don't see it now, but maybe once you're an adult you'll understand what a horrible excuse for a parent your father really is.

I have many friends who were children of divorce. The best parents were the ones who didn't spew noxious poison about the other parent to their children. They may not have loved their exes any longer, but they didn't make their children bear the burden of all the sordid details of their breakup.

I have no respect for people who put their children in the middle of all the hatred, and try to get them to take sides. It's wrong, and it's emotionally stressful beyond belief for the children. No truly loving parent would do such a thing.

Besides, you won't have to tell your brother anything. I'm sure your father is already working on him, too.

Your father should never have placed you in this position. The blame falls squarely on his shoulders.

If that makes me a meanie doodie head in your opinion, so be it. I calls 'em as I sees 'em, and your father is certainly no great prize in the scheme of things.

I'm outraged FOR you, not AT you.

As I said, you need counseling by an outside adult whom you can trust. Good luck.

 

You don't see it now, but maybe once you're an adult you'll understand what a horrible excuse for a parent your father really is.

You are absolutely correct - I don't see it now. So I would appreciate it if you would stop talking about my father that way, because it's quite obvious I'm just going to get more upset!

 

*hugs* for you, Brianna, because I know that this is a very hard situation for you. What might help is to realize that you are emotionally involved in this (of course) and those of us on the forum are not. As such, we are looking at this whole mess from an entirely different perspective than you are. Factor in that we are able to look at it as adults seeing what another adult has inflicted on a child and our reactions are going to be considerably different than your own.

 

Brianna, I agree with SpeedRacer, but I understand that it is not nice to hear people say negative things about an important person in your life. I doubt we can help you much more here -- I hope you talk to a counsellor. I don't know how old you are, but maybe there is someone at school. Or at a community centre. Or a hotline. In Canada we have Kidshelpline which is great and they ONLY talk to kids (ie. someone under 18). Maybe there is something comparable in the US.

Good luck. You have a tough situation on your hands and you need to have YOUR head screwed on straight and solid before the rest of your life hits you.