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I'm going for treatment... Bullying. *Slightly long*

6.8K views 61 replies 36 participants last post by  stephshark  
#1 ·
This coming weekend I will be going to a psychiatric clinic to help me overcome depression, cutting, and an eating disorder. Let me tell you my story...

I am almost 18, my birthday is in May. I am a Matric (senior) at a private school, where I have been all my life. For close on 12 years I have been bullied, constantly about my speech, as I have a stutter, or my weight. When I was young I was quite heavy, now I weigh 53kgs, but I still have a large stomach which I am now teased for. I don't have many friends, because of my stutter, and I am not cool, so if anyone were to be seen with me it would be just awful for their social ratings. I do not do orals in front of my classmates, because there is constant giggling ans mocking when I do, nor do I answer questions in class or read an answer aloud. This was the best solution my teachers could come up with to help me, and while I am very grateful, it added a new problem... I then got accused of having "special treatment", and that made me even more of an outcast. I became very subdued, and only spoke when spoken to, and tried to answer with the least amount of words as possible.

I was constantly told that I am a liar about everything, and that I was fat and ugly. This was repeated so many times that I eventually began to believe it, so one day I went home, and smashed all the mirrors in my house with my bare hands to avoid looking at myself. I had to have 4 stitches. I felt so ashamed of myself, and took to wearing big baggy clothes to hide myself. I had so much emotion built up inside, but I felt as if I couldn't tell anyone, so as an outlet for that emotional pain, I began to cut myself. Over the years I have made 168 cuts on my left arm, and 36 on my right. This helped in a way; my pain was now something I could feel, and if I could feel it, I could handle it. I was diagnosed with severe depression, and was sent to a psychiatrist for two months. It helped a lot, and I began to get better. But then the bullying would begin again. That was when I started my eating disorders.

I first began starving myself, and was diagnosed with anorexia. I wouldn't eat for days, making up excuses and lying to my mom, telling her that I wasn't hungry or had already eaten. I lost a terrible amount of weight, I went from 74kg to 32kg, and had to be hospitalized. I never fully recovered, but was discharged. From then on out my mom would force me to eat, literally keeping me at the table until all my food was gone, watching me to make sure I ate. But that was when I started making myself throw up. I didn't want to pick up weight, I didn't want to be fat... I was constantly pale and sick. My mom was (and still is) so worried about my frame of mind that she took to restraining me to my bed at night, so that I couldn't harm myself. Some nights even now this is still the case.

All of this has been going on since I was 13. I have been suffering at the hands of bullies, mentally, physically and emotionally for close to 5 years. I still have an eating disorder, I still cut myself, and I am still considered to be depressed. But with the help and support of my friends (what few I have left) and family, I am going into rehab. I have made the decision to better my life. I am going to get help, and I am going to be okay. Doing what I did was not the answer to my problems.

That is my story. And I hope that people realize that their words hurt. Words leave scars, and can really hurt someone. I would know. Bullying is not a joke, it is not a funny activity that you can do with your pals to that person sitting over there. It damages a person. I will never be the same. I weigh 46kg, which is still not as healthy as it should be. I take 7 tablets every day to keep myself calm and okay, and I will always be covered in scars. So to every person going through this, believe me when I say that it is not the answer. Go get help, go to someone you trust, it will be worth it in the end.
 
#3 ·
LoveStory.. this is a really personal thing to be posting over the internet...are you sure you want to?

However, know that you aren't alone.

And the psychiatric hospital will help.

Why?

Your post is like reading an extract from my own life book. The scars will fade over time, mental and physical ones. In the end, it made me a better person because I know there is no way I could EVER treat another human being the way I was treated.

Keep your head up, and know its not the be all and end all. The people that are doing this will discover they are in the wrong. It may be in 10 years time, it may be on the death bed, but around 80% of the people that broke me down have apologised sincerely over the last 2 and a bit years.

I'm waving the banner here for you, get yourself better, get your head clear and I hope all goes well for you x
 
#4 ·
Lovestory, you are a brave girl for sharing your story. I've got very close family that has been through what you have, while I've not myself, I certainly understand the anguish that it can cause. Be strong and do what you have to for yourself. You've got my support and prayers!
 
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#5 ·
I am so sorry you are having to go through this nobody should have to go through the things you are. It makes me sick that their are kids out their that are that cruel it makes mad at the parents because it is obvious they are not bringing them kids up right. I was also bullied in school because I was shy and kids thought I was "retarted" I still am shy, but no longer affraid to confront someone. Lovestory PLEASE dont let these kids win and remember YOU are the better person. I have never met you and have never seen you, but from your writing on here I can tell you are a kind and beautiful girl. Dont let anyone make you think differently.
 
#8 ·
Thank you everyone. It's going to take a while before I'm fully healthy again, the doctor wants me to pick up another 6 to 7 kgs before I'll be at a healthier weight.

I know it's very personal, but I am going to get over all of this, even if sometimes while using scissors I get the urge to cut, or feel like purging my dinner. I will be okay. I just hope that my story can help someone else out there that may be going through the same thing.
 
#9 · (Edited)
Girl, you're in the same boat I was in a few years ago, but I never has hospitalized.

I wasn't bullied (except for a few hateful people), but replace that with an alcoholic dad.

My arms are still covered in scars that I'm so ashamed of. I always wear a jacket because when I get cold they glow like light bulbs.

I was bulemic for two years. My teeth show the wear and tear of that.
I have never been big-- not even slightly, which is why everyone that knew thought I was crazy for doing it. But the binge-purge cycle made me feel in control. It was like, "Hey, my dad may never stop drinking, etc, but I can control what goes in my body and what comes out. It's my body, I'm in control." It was a stupid cycle, but it made me feel better....temporarily.

But you're completely right-- none of that helped anything. All it did was make my family and friends scared for my life.

What ended up helping me was meeting someone who loved me unconditionally just the way I was. I met my Tyler (my now-boyfriend of over 3 years), and my problems slowly but surely went away. I'm definitely not saying a man will fix your problems, that's usually the opposite case. :rofl: I'm just saying what helped me was finding someone who loved me for me.

I never have the urge to cut anymore, but the desire to binge-purge can still be pretty strong sometimes. Although I'm happy to say I haven't done it in nearly two years.

So know that you're not alone. Many girls (and boys!) have been in your situation, and they made it. :D

I wish you the best, girl. We're all rooting for you.

ETA: This is a commercial that airs in the U.S., and I just love it.


** Working on a link!
Posted via Mobile Device
 
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#14 ·
I think you are absolutely one of the bravest girls that I've ever heard of. To tell your story so openly in hopes of helping other people and getting people to stop bullying is amazing. I think there are a lot more people out there that do hurt themselves, but are too scared to admit it. There are a lot of people that are dealing with depression and eating disorders and I think that your story will provide them the strength to get better.

You are SUCH a beautiful girl. (I totally stalked your horse Love Story and seen your pictures) There is NO reason for you to feel bad about yourself. Young people can be absolutely cruel! And there is no need what-so-ever for it. The only reason why people like them continue to pick on other people is because they are self conscious about something in their life. No one is perfect in this world. And if someone think's they are perfect, well, that's actually their imperfection. ;-)

There are so many ups and downs in life and I'm so sorry that you had to go through everything that you have gone through the past 5 years. You didn't deserve to be treated so poorly. No one ever does. It's often people that misunderstand or don't try to understand someone's situation that are the first people to judge. It's not fair.

I personally have been depressed, on anti-depressants, used to hurt myself and did the whole "not eating" thing. But I figured out that I was hurting the people that cared about me the most. My parents, my animals. I didn't have very close friends so they never knew, but the ones closest to me were able to help me pull through some of my darkest days. Honestly, the main thing that helped me was my dog. He was always there for me, he dried my tears and made me laugh. He was my shining light in my darkest hours.

You look so happy with your horse. I think if you were to put your energy towards getting better for your horse, you'll realize that the people that pick on you and treat you like your a nobody, won't even matter. Hold your head HIGH because you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to live your life to the fullest. Your horse doesn't care what you look like, he doesn't care what you sound like, he doesn't care about anything except for your kindness and your willingness to accept him for who he is and not judge him. That's true love.

You will get better, and you'll look back and probably be ashamed of the way that you treated yourself. But that is why you need to focus on getting better now, because being horrible to yourself for 5 years, in much better then being horrible to yourself for 25 years. The world is in your hands. So take what is being offered and don't look back.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
 
#15 ·
I'm under care for major depressive disorder myself, so I know at least in part how you feel. My dog and now my horse are two ways I am managing my condition, as the meds will only go so far.

I didn't personally experience the bullying when I was growing up, but my two younger children (ages 10 & 12) have Autism and are at the age when judgment by their peers is beginning to get harsh - so I see it every day. I stress to them, and I offer for your consideration, that the words of others are not actually because of you - they are driven by the speakers' own egos. Don't allow your own mind to define you by their misguided standards.

Depression is painful and it is at least as much - probably more - a symptom of how we think as what we think. There are some readings out there that have helped me with this, and I will share them if you like.
 
#16 ·
Oh lovestory! Im so sorry!

Just remember, I am your friend :) We maybe on other sides of the world, but I will be here to support you!
 
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#17 ·
Thank you guys, I'm going for my first evaluation today... I'm going to be spending a few days there so that they can assess my mental health. I know I'm not crazy, but at the same time I know that I am not 10000000% mentally healthy.

Even though I KNOW it's not good for me. I still get the urge to cut, or purge myself after eating. I've been doing it for so long that I feel as if I physically need to do it or I won't be able to function, and even now I still feel like that. My friend came over yesterday and took away all my razors and scissors, and anything else that could be used to harm myself, and my mom prepared me a very light but sustaining meal. Things went okay... I started out fine, but as the night progressed I suddenly got bad. I started shaking and felt really paranoid. I threw up and I ended up smashing my mirror. My hands and face are at the moment scratched up.

That was when my mom asked for me to go in today. And I want to. If I reacted like that after one night of abstaining, how am I going to handle a lifetime without it?

I am not ashamed to admit this, because I am going to get the help I need, and even with this minor setback, I WILL be okay...

CLaPorte432, thank you for stalking my mare lol ;) I know she appreciates it, and thank you for the words of encouragement.

Hickory67, I would love to see those readings you mentioned, I think it will help :)

And PintoTess, thank you. That really means a lot to me, it really really does!

I'm also not ashamed to admit that I am absolutely terrified. I am so scared at the thought of quitting these habits I've had for so long, but I know that I have to stop it for my own health...
 
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#18 ·
I'm also not ashamed to admit that I am absolutely terrified. I am so scared at the thought of quitting these habits I've had for so long, but I know that I have to stop it for my own health...
Both the self harm and the eating disorder are addictions that are as real as any other addiction. It's going to be scarey, but you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Sending you strength and support.
 
#20 ·
I'm wishing you all the best, but please be aware that you are not alone. Many many people have to deal with these issue, so please please please don't feel like you are a "bad person" for them. I'm delighted you are getting the help you need, and it will make you a stronger person.

My mother was a self harmer and suffered from depression and multiple personalities, I'm aware how difficult these things are but I wish you all the best and please look forward to a healthy future for yourself :)
 
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#21 ·
There are two books I highly recommend: "The Power of Now" and "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I would also recommend going to his website. I have read both books several times and each time something new resonates with me - it has literally changed the way I think, and thus has helped me manage in the worst of times.

Tolle is a spiritual teacher - he does not subscribe to a particular religious sect or denomination, but does draw from the major religions in his talks and writings. He comes from a position of understanding, as he was severely depressed and close to suicide at one point in his life.

I won't preach to you - I could write volumes on it - but it was an immense help to me at a very dark time. Still is.
 
#22 ·
Stay strong. Those bullies have no idea what they are taking about. You are gorgeous. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

Your story made me cry. I am so sorry you have to go through this. You will be able to get through this.

*hugs* feel better ♥
 
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#25 ·
Hickory67, thank you, I will most definitely check those out.

VanillaBean, I'm sorry I made you cry, and thank you so very much.

Sunny, that video is gorgeous, and so inspiring, thank you for sharing it with me.

HorseLovinLady, thank you for your support.

Lately, I have been listening to a lot of music by Demi Lovato, as she went through what I am going through, and she is my ultimate role model right now. Her song "Skyscraper" in particular has been helping me a lot:


Another one is "Fix a heart", but I don't have the video link right now.

Last night I went for my evaluation, and I am going to rehab for two nights to start off with, and they will see how it goes and if the time needs to be increased. They told me that what I am attempting to do will be very difficult, especially quiting the cutting. I'm very shaky, which I was told is normal, it's my desire to cut, but not being able to do is actually having a negative effect on my body, as I have been doing it for so long. I'm restless and can't sit still, and even though I'm trying really hard, I can't make myself eat. They say that this is also normal.

My therapist got me talking about my hobbies and things I like to do, and he was thrilled when I mentioned my horses, and encouraged me to spend as much time as possible with them, as they will most definetely help me, but I must stay away from the fences and other objects that I may cut myself on (I have done that in the past.) My instructors have been informed, and are going to help me through this too, and keep an eye on me when I am at the barn.

I also mentioned to him I like to do photo edits, and listening to Demi Lovato, so he suggested that I use them both to help me, as an outlet for my emotions, which I have done by putting lyrics of her songs onto photos, which are shared at the bottom of this post. I also told him about this Forum, and the support I am getting, which he is also happy about. He was very surprised but thrilled when I told him how I told my story on here. He said that admitting that I have a problem is the first step to overcoming it, which is true, as I have spent the past years in denial that what I was doing was a problem.

I just want to thank everyone so much for supporting me, and I hope you all continue to do so as time goes on, as I will need it so much. I really appreciate it!

Here are the pics, they all belong to me, If you would like to know what song a lyric is from, I will happily tell you:







 
#26 ·
Love Story, you know we're all here for you...

Reading through this thread, you can see that there are others on this forum that have also been through similair things to yourself, myself included, and I turned out all right in the end ;)- well, I'm slighty mad but don't tell anyone!

There is light at the end of the tunnel, and I found the cutting the hardest part to let go. Sometimes I still feel like picking up a pair of scissors and scraping the skin off my arms. But you learn to switch it off and focus on something else- and you have a great network of support around you and the best thing that has happened so far is that you've admitted to yourself that you need help. THAT is the first huge leap you have to make, and you did it!

I'm keeping an eye on you over here ;)

Keep us updated and big hugs being sent your way x
 
#27 ·
Wow, I'm here for ya! Been there, bullied, cutting and eating disorder that I still a and more recently struggle with! Know we are all sending you positive healing thoughts and I am hear if you ever need to vent.
Your very strong for sharing your story, I recently did the same with my adoption situation, it was hard, traumatic and eneded pretty ugly but I'm slowly getting past it and moving on Asa healthier person. I know I would have been 10x worse If it werent for my amazing mother and my horses! Iv never done drugs or had adrinking problem but very much self harmed my body in way I can't always cover up or erase.

You will come out the other side of this knowing so much more of who you are and hold on to your identy and be proud of it, I may not be proud of my past actions to myself but I am proud of who I am today and my values and beliefs in my life. Your a beautiful yung woman!!
 
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